Rise of the Dragonborn
by TheDarkAngel'sShadow
Summary: As the New Kid, Sage Amsel just wants to leave his past behind and live life as a normal kid. But in South Park, "normal" does not exist. Now, Sage must deal with manipulative wizards, marauding drow elves, and possibly the greatest threat he'll ever face: how to deal with having too many friends on Facebook. Rated M, because South Park. May contain yaoi pairings. Just saying.
1. Introduction

Hello.

My name is Sage Amsel.

However, most people refer to me by whatever name I go by on Facebook. I am highly antisocial, but for some reason I'm really good at making friends on social networks. I should probably tell you a bit more about myself. I am a nine-year-old boy with black hair, black eyes, and pale skin. My hair partially covers my right eye, which makes my left eye stand out more. My left eye, though still black like the right, bears a scar from an incident three years ago. I don't really notice it anymore, but others seem disturbed by it. My mother says that it makes me look "tough," but my father still can't look at it without shuddering. Is it wrong that I find satisfaction in that? I don't talk much, either, which doesn't help. I also have a secret that my parents are trying to keep from me (as if I don't already know it). But enough about me. My family and I are moving to a small mountain town in Colorado called South Park. My parents hope for a quiet, peaceful life, but I can feel that my life in South Park will be anything but peaceful.


	2. The New Kid

I sat on my bed, looking around at my new room, which was still not completely unpacked. My parents and I had arrived here late last night and the rest of our stuff was still being unloaded.

I put on my dark blue long-sleeved shirt and jeans, followed by my black-and-blue sneakers (Yea, I'm dark. You got a problem?). Just as I finished getting dressed, I heard a knock at the door.

"Sweetie. Hun, you all dressed?" my mother asked from the other side of the door. I turned to face them, knowing they'd let themselves in. Sure enough, my mom and dad entered my room, smiling pleasantly (or, at least, my mother was).

"Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?" my dad asked me, looking slightly uncomfortable (as he always did when he spoke to me). I looked around the room in response, my signature apathetic look never leaving my face. My father, knowing that I wouldn't verbally respond, continued, "I know it's a big change for us, but…" His expression became cautious as he asked, "Son, do you…remember…why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?" My mother looked worried, although she tried to hide it.

I blinked. Of course I remembered, just like I remembered the reason for every single move we've had to make. I could feel the scar on my left eye burning at the memory. My parents didn't notice.

"He doesn't remember." my father whispered to my mother.

"He doesn't remember at all!" my mother whispered back, the relief in her voice obvious.

"That's good. That's good he doesn't remember." my father looked visibly pleased for a split second.

I just continued to stare at them. _Let them think what they want, I don't care._ My parents turned back to me, seeming to think that their previous conversation had gone unheard, or just not caring.

"Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?" my mother said to me, putting her hands together as if subconsciously pleading with me.

"Right. Get outside and play, son, like…like normal kids!" my dad agreed, putting on another fake smile.

"Thanks, Dad." I thought to myself, continuing to stare at them. I didn't like my parents very much, although my mother was okay. At least she tried to be a good parent. Neither of them were very attentive, and my dad had an attitude.

"Yeah, we love you, too."

Speaking of attitude. My father rolled his eyes and left. My mother followed her husband after glancing worriedly at me. I just blinked, looking around my room once more before heading downstairs, picking up some money that Mom had left for me on the counter (and raiding the drawers in their room and in the kitchen). Satisfied that I had found everything of interest in the house (and after having my father yell at me), I went outside.

After walking down the sidewalk, I heard some sort of fuss going on near the house next to mine. Deciding to check it out, I began listening, still maintaining my distance.

"You shall die by my war hammer, drow elf!" a kid's voice cried out. I looked to see two boys about my age dressed in weird costumes. They appeared to be fighting. One of them was dressed like an elf, wearing an archer's outfit with elf ears and wielding a wooden dagger. I then turned my gaze to the other boy and did a double-take.

The kid had bright golden hair and equally bright sky-blue eyes. He didn't have elf ears, and was dressed more like a warrior than his opponent. He wore a light blue costume with yellow gloves and a dark blue cape. On his head, he wore a headband with a jewel in the center of his forehead, which seemed to shift between red and purple. He was wielding a hammer, yet, somehow, he seemed to be losing.

"Ha ha! You can't hold out much longer!" the "drow elf" yelled triumphantly, hitting the blond kid with his wooden dagger.

"Help! Somebody! I can't hold out much longer! Heeeeelp!" the adorable blond cried, falling to the ground.

Anger briefly flared in my chest (which is rare) at the sight of such an innocent-looking kid being beaten so mercilessly. I calmly approached the quarreling duo and, turning the elf around to face me, punched him square in the face. He staggered backward and stared at me, wide-eyed.

"Hey, no fair! That's cheating!" he yelled at me, backing away when I didn't flinch, "I'm gonna tell my mom!" He then turned tail and ran away, showing me just how much of a little bitch he was.

"Look at all the fucks I give." I replied mentally, turning my attention back to the blond boy, who was just dusting himself off.

"Thanks, kid." he thanked me, smiling gratefully, "I didn't know he had a healing potion."

_Healing potion?_ I arched an eyebrow.

"My name is Butters the Merciful." the boy introduced himself, "I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you. We should be friends!"

_Butters? That's an odd name, and yet, it seems fitting somehow. A paladin? Like a knight? Oh, he's playing some sort of game. Fun. Since I've been moving around so much, I've never actually had time to socialize. Oh well, now I have a friend, and he lives right next to me. And he's adorable. Wait…what?_

The blond kid, Butters, was still talking. "Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King. He's been talking about your arrival." he said, grabbing my hand and leading me away, "The Wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there."

I just blinked, letting him lead me wherever (it's not like I could go home anyway) and trying to ignore the sparks flying through my hand. I didn't know what was causing them, but they were making me uncomfortable. It didn't help that Butters didn't seem to notice them. He tried several times to start conversation with me, asking me where I was from and whether I liked Colorado. When I didn't respond, he stopped and looked at me. I knew he was about to call me out on my silence. However, not for the last time, the friendly blond surprised me.

"You don't talk much, do ya?" he asked me. Taking my lack of a response as a yes, he smiled kindly, reassuring me, "That's okay, I can talk for both of us."

I smiled internally. I think we'll get along very well.

Once we got to the green house, Butters held out his hand, signaling for me to stand back. Making sure that I wasn't going to leave, he then knocked on the door and stood back, waiting expectantly. After about a minute, the door opened, revealing a really fat kid in a wizard's outfit holding a wooden staff. He looked at me, then at Butters expectantly. Butters, sighing quietly, turned to me and proclaimed, "All hail the Grand Wizard!" I just arched my eyebrow, looking at this "Grand Wizard" critically.

"So, you are the New Kid." the Wizard addressed me directly, "Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom." He then walked back inside. Butters followed him, gesturing for me to follow them. As I entered the house, a middle-aged woman, who was apparently the Wizard's mother, greeted us, but the Wizard disregarded her. He and Butters led me into the backyard, where the Wizard stood and held out his arms, declaring proudly, "Welcome. To the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"

I admit, I was impressed. The backyard, as small as it was, really DID look like a kingdom. In the center of the yard was a castle made out of cardboard. The towers surrounded a tent that had a sign that read "**KUPA KEEP**" over it. The Wizard approached a vender to our right that displayed different types of weapons.

"Our weapons shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior." the Wizard said, gesturing toward a brunette with a metal helmet, red jacket with a blue cape and scarf, and a belt that held a pair of scissors.

The Wizard then went over to a pen where a boy in a light green shirt was petting a gray cat. The boy's tongue was hanging out.

"And here you can see our massive stables, overseen by the level 9 ranger, Scott Malckinson, who has the power of diabetes."

_The power of diabetes? What the hell kind of power is that?_

The Wizard then led me over to a kid who was standing next to the castle. The kid was dressed in a pink dress that reminded me of Zelda and a blond wig. I would have thought that the wig was her actual hair if she didn't appear to be wearing an orange parka underneath it. I couldn't see any of her face except her nose and eyes. She was certainly pretty, but there was something not-quite-right about her.

"And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny, the fairest maiden in all the land." the Wizard introduced her. The girl giggled coyly and twirled a golden lock from her wig around her finger. I narrowed my eyes ever-so-slightly. There was still something about her that was bothering me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what. That's when the Wizard came up to me and whispered in my ear, "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now."

"Wait, that's a guy?!" I thought, thankful that my default expression of apathy was so resilient, "I knew something felt off. That parka hides his gender really well, and that dress actually suits him, which makes it even more disturbing." Still, I've seen worse. I was about to turn my attention back to the Wizard when I heard Kenny say something. It was muffled (due to the parka that covered his mouth), but I could make out something about a flower. I looked around and, spotting a dandelion, picked it and gave it to the Princess. He giggled, which made me feel a little awkward, and friended me on Facebook, making him my second friend (Butters was the first).

"Quit fooling around, Kenny." the Wizard scolded the Princess, before calling Butters to his other side and regaining my attention.

"You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you, and in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited." I just stared at him. "It's time for your first quest, but first- please tell us, thy name."

I just stared at them, not really caring what they called me. The Wizard and Butters exchanged looks, and the Wizard smirked, a look that sent a chill down my spine. He leaned close to me, looking thoughtful, and then backed away, nodding as if I had said something.

"You said your name was "Douchebag," is that correct?" he asked, grinning. I raised an eyebrow, glancing between the Wizard and Butters, who had a pitying look on his face. I just looked back at the Wizard apathetically. Not exactly the coolest, or most flattering, name, but I've been called worse, so I left it alone.

The Wizard smirked again. "Are you sure you'd like to keep the name "Douchebag"?" I just continued to stare at him, not letting him get to me. He nodded. "Very well, Douchebag. You must now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."

My eyes widened slightly at the word "thief," and I almost- _almost_\- smirked. I have been known for sneaking around and stealing things, usually money (like this morning, when I raided the drawers). My parents still haven't figured out where the fifty dollars they got from selling my collection of Chinpokomon figurines without my permission disappeared to. What? You think I'm gonna tell you? Hell no!

I selected the Thief costume and put it on, ignoring the Wizard's comment ("A white thief? Never heard of one, but interesting."). It was a simple dark blue hood and cape with a blue jacket and black gloves. It suited me.

Once I had gotten into the thief outfit, the Wizard held out his arms, announcing to the entire yard, "We welcome to the KKK Douchebag the Thief!" which Butters followed with "Hooray!"

_KKK? Oh, Kingdom of Kupa Keep._

The Wizard pointed to the vender Clyde tended. "Now, please go visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight."

I nodded, purchasing a Rogue's Dagger from Clyde, which was a small wooden dagger similar to the one the drow elf used to attack Butters.

"Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice." the Wizard said when I had returned, "It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon and, with the bravery of a noble knight- beat up Clyde."

Clyde jumped back, shocked. The Wizard ignored him. "Kick Clyde's ass, New Kid!"

"What'd I do?" Clyde asked, confused. I felt guilty at the hurt look on the warrior's face, and was irritated by the Wizard's answer.

"I'm the King, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused!" the Wizard yelled before turning to me, "Go on, New Kid. Kick his ass!"

"I oughtta kick YOUR ass." I thought, but I stopped myself, "But I'll save that for when I have a stronger weapon." I then turned to face Clyde, thinking, "Sorry in advance, Clyde."

As Clyde and I took our positions, the Wizard stood in the middle, instructing me on how to attack, defend, and use abilities. Once I got a feel for battle, I easily defeated Clyde, which made him cry. That made me feel guilty, a feeling which got stronger when I noticed that the entire yard had been watching our fight. As Clyde got up and dusted himself off, the Wizard started laughing.

"Ah ha! Aha ha ha ha! Dude, that was awesome! You were all like BAM, and Clyde was all like NO NO! Heh heh heh heh heh!"

I didn't think it was that funny, but I guess that didn't matter. The Wizard grinned victoriously.

"Okay, okay. You've proven yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now come inside the war tent and I'll let you see the relic." He then turned, entering the tent. I followed, interested in what I assumed to be the reason behind such an organized game with such dedicated players. What was in that tent would change my life forever.


	3. The Stick of Truth

The tent contained a chair (no doubt the Grand Wizard's "throne") that was surrounded by buckets of eaten KFC chicken. Several other items also filled the room, including a Tony Banderas Love Doll (my mother got one without telling my father, which was why I recognized it) that was designed to look like a barbaric warrior. The Wizard was standing in front of a pedestal.

"Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic, for which human and elf are willing to die. The Stick of Truth."

I looked at the pedestal. It was sitting under a hole in the tent, allowing the sun to shine into it. And sitting in the light of the sun was…a stick. It looked like a stick that anyone could find in their back yard. I looked at the Wizard oddly, not that he noticed.

"Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives, for whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe." the Wizard said, his voice serious. I just continued to glance between him and the stick, slightly unnerved by the seriousness in the Wizard's voice and expression. He suddenly turned away from the stick, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Don't gaze at it too long, for its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" he said, placing his hand on my back and turning me around, "Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues." _ My dues?_ "Being a member of my kingdom costs $9.95 for the first week, four dollars of which is tax-deductible." _Are you serious?_

Suddenly, we heard someone scream, "Alarm! Alarm!"

The Wizard looked around frantically, tensing. "Someone sounded the alarm!" he exclaimed, right as Butters ran into the tent, his eyes wide and terrified as he continued his "alarmed" chant.

"What is it?" the Wizard demanded.

"The elves are attacking!" Butters replied, trembling.

The Wizard's eyes widened as well. "Oh my god! Defensive positions!" he yelled, running outside.

"Come on, Douchebag! We have to defend the kingdom!" Butters yelled to me before running outside as well. I nodded, glancing once more at the Stick of Truth before leaving to face the elven assault. This was getting good.


	4. Search for the Missing Warriors

"Man the gate! Don't let them through!" the Wizard yelled to the other kids in the yard. Outside of the gate of Kupa Keep, a group of kids dressed similarly to the one that had been attacking Butters were approaching.

"Give us the Stick, humans!" the leader of the group demanded.

"Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!" the Wizard bellowed back, challenging the elven mob. He then turned to Clyde. "Clyde! Guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!"

"Aye aye!" Clyde replied, saluting the Wizard and running into the tent. The Wizard looked at the warrior oddly.

" "Aye aye?" We're not playing pirates, Clyde!" the Wizard scolded, not that Clyde was listening. He then addressed me. "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. Hold off the asshole elves at all costs!"

I nodded, looking around and noticing that Butters was having problems.

The Wizard noticed this, too. "Butters, you're losing! Stop losing!" he commanded, glaring resentfully at the gentle paladin.

"But I don't want to make him feel bad!" Butters replied desperately, backing away from the attacking elf. As I ran to help him, I also noticed that the Wizard and "Princess" Kenny weren't doing anything to stop the elven invasion, other than the Wizard threatening his "subjects" or giving useless advice while Kenny messed with his wig or played with his "boobs."

I lunged at the elf that was attacking Butters, deflecting an attack that would have likely knocked the paladin unconscious. I stood in front of him, barely registering his shaky "thank you" as I faced off against my first real opponent. Noticing that his comrade was in danger, another elf, an archer, joined the fight, firing an arrow at me. Even though it was only a little toy arrow with a suction cup at the end, it still hurt like hell! Now a little irritated, I lunged at the archer, taking him out with one blow. Stealing his bow and arrows (hey, I AM a thief), I fired at the first elf, who had made another attempt to attack Butters, knocking him out, too. Glancing at the other two elves that were attacking (one was after Scott, while the other was attacking the cat), I fired an arrow at each of them. With their attention focused on me, I lunged at one, defeating him. As the final elf charged at me from behind, I spun around, avoiding his strike, and knocked him out with the hilt of my dagger. The battle was over.

"Drow elves! Fall back!" the lead elf called, and the elves retreated. Butters came up to me and patted my back, congratulating me, although he seemed a little nervous (with the amount of ass-kicking I had just dealt, I wasn't surprised). My apathetic look remained, but I couldn't help the feeling of satisfaction that rose in my chest.

The Wizard, naturally, was rejoicing. "YES! Awesome, dude! Take that, ya asshole elves! Better luck next time!" He then started chanting "na na na na na na" and bragging about how we still controlled the universe. As the Wizard was dancing around, Clyde approached us, his face troubled. _Uh oh. Don't tell me._

"It's gone." he said to the Wizard.

The Wizard stopped dancing and looked at Clyde, his expression disbelieving. "What?"

Clyde looked down guiltily. "The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."

All was quiet in Kupa Keep as the Wizard gaped at Clyde. Everyone kept glancing between Clyde and the Wizard, backing away from the duo. Butters "ooo"d and pulled me away from the Wizard, shaking his head when I looked at him for answers. As I watched, I saw the Wizard's face gradually turn as red as a tomato. He started shaking as his anger built, and when the silence became too much to bear, he practically exploded.

"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GODDAMN JOB, CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!" he bellowed, causing Clyde to shrink away from him (and everyone else to shiver). Butters gripped my arm as the Wizard's voice quieted. "Clyde. You are hereby…BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!" he yelled in Clyde's face. The now-banished warrior's eyes widened.

"What?! No!" he yelled back, sounding more angry than scared, "You can't do that!"

"Yeah, I can!" the Wizard barked back, "You're banished, and lost in time and space!"

"Yeah, go home, Clyde!" Butters added pointlessly, glaring at the warrior from his safe place behind me. _Really, Butters?_

Clyde just walked away, glaring at the ground. I felt sorry for him (not that I showed it), but there was nothing I could do. The Wizard took a deep breath, calming himself, and turned to me once again.

"You fight well on the battlefield, Douchebag." he complimented me. Butters nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

"Yeah, this new kid may be a douchebag, but he sure can fight." Scott added. _Gee, thanks._

"Shut up, Scott. Nobody cares what you think." the Wizard said, waving off the ranger's comment, "Right now, we have a bigger problem on our hands. The Stick has been stolen, and we have to get it back!" He slammed his staff on the ground to emphasize his point.

"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!" Butters interjected.

"Our newest member can take care of that." the Wizard replied, making everyone look at me, "Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors: Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now."

I arched an eyebrow at that comment. _When and how did you get my phone number?_

"But beware…" the Wizard warned me, "The lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped." He slammed his staff on the ground again. "Now go, and send my warriors here!" He then turned around, giving one last order before returning to the tent, "Butters, go with him."

Butters nodded in response, coming up to me and smiling. "You just moved here, so you don't know your way around town yet, do ya?" he asked me, before continuing without waiting for a response (he knew by now that I wouldn't give one even if he had), "I'll show you around."

I nodded, allowing the plucky blond to lead me out of the "kingdom". On our way out, we ran into the Wizard's mother.

"You kids be careful now." she said pleasantly, looking outside into the yard, "My Eric has lots of little playmates. He's such a friendly boy." She smiled to herself, turning her attention back to sweeping.

_Eric?_ I looked at Butters for answers.

"Eric Cartman. That's the Grand Wizard's real name. Most of the kids just call him Cartman." Butters explained, rubbing his fists together in a way I'd often seen him doing when he spoke about something that made him nervous. I didn't blame him. That guy had a dangerous aura. I just nodded in response, before nodding to Mrs. Cartman in farewell, noticing that she'd friended me on Facebook as well. _Here we go again._

Once we got outside, I looked at Butters, silently telling him to lead the way. Somehow, he understood me, and led me to a bus stop.

"This is the bus stop where we wait for the school bus." he said, making casual conversation, "I usually wait alone, since I don't have many friends, although I'll sometimes run into Eric's group."

"What? How does someone this kind and friendly not have lots of friends? People like me don't have many friends (except on social networks, apparently), but people like Butters should have more friends than you can count. That's weird." I thought to myself, tuning out the blond's chattering, "Maybe he just talks a lot?"

As we were walking, I suddenly noticed a group of elves hiding behind a bush. As they lunged at us, I pushed Butters out of the way, earning myself a cut on my arm (one of the elves was carrying a real knife).

"You picked the wrong line to cross, human!" the elf that had slashed me growled, brandishing his knife. The other elves laughed.

"Oh no! You're bleeding!" Butters cried, his eyes wide as he looked at the cut on my arm. It wasn't serious, but it still stung a little bit. I shook off the comment, turning my attention to the elves that had attacked us.

_Four against two, huh? My kind of odds._ I took my battle stance, my face as apathetic as always. The group of elves backed off slightly, a bit unnerved by my indifferent expression, despite my injury. Butters stood next to me, gripping his hammer.

"This looks bad." he said, glaring at the elves. I just looked at them, assessing their strengths.

_That archer looks like he could be trouble. I'll take care of him first._ I drew my cloak in front of me, jumping behind the bushes and moving quickly behind my opponents. As they looked around in confusion, I landed silently behind the archer and, taking out a small knife that came with my costume, stabbed him in the side, knocking him unconscious.

"What? Hey! That's cheating!" the lead elf yelled, lunging at me. However, before he could get to me, he was knocked to the side by a hammer.

"I'm sorry." Butters apologized to the unconscious elf, clutching his hammer to his chest. I rolled my eyes at Butters's antics, pulling out my bow and shooting down the last two elves.

"Whoopie! We won!" Butters cheered, jumping around happily. I just watched him, smiling internally. I didn't know why, but he made me happy. Perhaps it's the sharp contrast between our demeanors. As we walked on, Butters placed his hand on my arm in order to "heal" the cut. It actually did start to feel better, but I just chalked it up to psychological manipulation.

Butters continued to lead me around town, introducing me to the town's main police officer, Officer Buttbaby (or Buttbrady, I'm really not sure). He showed me the Church, Police Station, Bank, Post Office, a photo shop, and even clinics for abortions and nose jobs. He then led me to a park and, from there, a movie theater. Next to the theater was a coffee shop called "Tweek Bros. Coffee".

"Tweek should be here, since this is where he usually is when he's not at Kupa Keep." Butters informed me, before adding somewhat-distractedly. "Although he has been spotted at Craig's on occasion." He then shook off whatever was on his mind, changing the subject. "Tweek loves coffee. He drinks it to calm down."

"What?" I thought as we walked in, looking at Butters oddly, "Who drinks coffee to calm down?" Butters, almost reading my mind, just shrugged, turning to greet a man with short, light brown hair who was standing behind the shop's counter. His nametag read "Mr. Tweek".

"Hey there, Mr. Tweek!" Butters greeted, his friendly nature taking over.

"Hello, boys. Welcome to Tweek's coffee." the man replied, his voice calm and gentle, if somewhat apathetic, "It's local coffee, brewed locally." He then turned toward a room in the back of the shop and called "Tweek! Tweeeeek!"

"Gyaah!" a startled voice responded, followed by the sound of something crashing into something else. _So he is here. What's he doing in the back?_

Mr. Tweek, who I assumed to be Tweek's father, didn't acknowledge to crashing sound. "Have you picked up today's delivery?" he asked, calm tone not wavering.

"Arrgh! Not yet, dad! I'm still trying to finish all of my chores!" came the response.

"Well, hurry up, son. The family business is relying on you." Mr. Tweek called, eliciting another scream from behind the door.

"Poor Kid." I thought as I headed for the room and entered, disregarding the sign that read "Employees Only". Butters, after glancing at the sign nervously, followed me.

Inside of the room was a bunch of machinery, presumably for making coffee. There were also various boxes of materials that contained coffee-related items. All of this was being run by a single boy, about my age. He had bright blond hair that stuck up in all directions and his olive-green shirt was buttoned incorrectly (likely due to his constant twitching). His eyes, wild and coincidentally coffee-colored, darted around frantically, as if expecting an attack from anywhere at any time. That's how he spotted me.

"Gyaah! Who are you?!" he screamed, hiding behind some machinery. Butters walked up to the frightened boy, placing a hand on his quivering shoulder.

"Tweek, this is Douchebag, the newest member of Kupa Keep." he explained gently, leading the trembling mess so that he was standing in front of me. As deep brown eyes met mine, they widened as their owner cried out in shock. I just blinked, handing the caffeine addict the note that Cartman had told me to give to him. He shakily took the letter from my hand, took one look at it, and freaked out…again.

"Ah! Now?! The guys need me now?! But there's no way, man! I have WAY too much to do!" he flipped out, grabbing my shirt and shaking me, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?!" I would have smacked him if he weren't so freaked out already. He then looked at me with even wider (if that was possible) eyes, these filled with hope.

"Wait! You!" he yelled, as if he didn't already have my attention. I arched my eyebrow, which is what I usually do to signal that I am listening. Then again, I also do that when I'm curious, so yeah.

"Could you pick up the four o'clock delivery? If you do then I can finish my chores and then I'll still have time to play! Please?!" Tweek begged me. I stared at him for a few seconds before nodding, making him jolt. Once his over-active brain had processed what my sudden movement meant, he nodded gratefully and grabbed an envelope from a nearby table, handing it to me. "It's at Kenny's house, like always. You give them this, they'll give you the delivery."

I nodded again, heading out of the door. _This kid has some serious issues. He smells heavily of coffee, and he twitches constantly._ I smirked as I heard him cry, "Ah! How am I supposed to do all this?! Harbucks has, like, eight employees! Here it's just me! Argh!" _He never changes._

"Kenny's house is south of us, on the bad side of town." Butters said, grabbing my hand and dragging me in that direction. He seemed to enjoy holding my hand, or just holding hands in general. Not that I minded too much. I never cared what other people thought about me, plus his hand was warm. I just let him lead (read:drag) me wherever as I lost myself in thought.

_So this is the quiet little mountain town of South Park. I don't know about the adults here, but the kids all have some issues. I may have never played these types of social games before, but I'm pretty sure you don't ACTUALLY try to hurt people, and I'm pretty sure you don't use REAL weapons. Not that I mind; it's more fun this way, but still…_

"Here we are!" Butters announced, snapping me out of my musings. We were standing at a section of train tracks that, once we crossed them, led into what looked like a completely different town. Garbage was strewn across the ground, with some piles inhabited by wild, feral dogs and equally feral homeless people. The only house there was little more than a slightly sturdier garbage pile itself. It had a single story and a garage, but that was it. It likely didn't have many rooms.

"That's Kenny's house." Butters told me. I inwardly cringed. I'd hate to live there. Getting over my initial revulsion, I walked up to the front door and knocked. A woman with bright red hair answered a few seconds later. She wore a light green shirt with the phrase "I'm with stupid" on the front and an arrow pointing to her right.

"What?" she asked me, her voice scratchy and hoarse. I handed her the envelope, wanting to get away from here as quickly as possible, but it seemed the Fates weren't on my side as she handed the envelope back to me and said, "Oh, this isn't for me. This is for the nice people renting the guest house out the back." Her voice was grating, so I quickly accepted the key she gave me and hurried around the side of the house to the only other building connected to it: the garage.

As I opened the door, I was immediately overwhelmed by the stench coming from within. There was the reek of something burning combined with the smell of sickness and body odor. It took all of my self-control to keep myself from vomiting, and I could hear Butters gagging behind me. There were three people in the garage, all of them with damaged skin, sunken eyes, and missing teeth. I cringed.

"Meth heads." I thought as I reluctantly approached one, "What's a delivery for a coffee shop doing here?"

"Yeah, we got the package for Tweek's Coffee." the man said when he saw me, "You got the envelope?"

I wrinkled my nose at the horrible stench of his breath, handing him the envelope before backing away. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as I could. Unfortunately for me, one of the meth heads had other ideas.

"Wait a minute…" he said, eyeing me suspiciously, "That's not the kid that usually picks up the package." The man who had taken the envelope looked at me more closely, his gaze quickly turning into a glare.

"Oh shit…It's a cop!" he yelled, grabbing a pipe and lunging at me. The other two quickly grabbed a couple of broken bottles and followed suit.

My own gaze hardened as I took my battle stance, wielding the knives that were used for my abilities. I seriously doubted a wooden dagger would do much against these guys. Butters stood bravely next to me, not noticing (or ignoring) my silent pleas for him to run.

"Oh boy! Bad guys!" he yelled, almost happily, swinging his hammer around at the guy in front of the group and causing him to stagger backwards. The second guy came up and swung his broken bottle at Butters, knocking him over. While Butters was down, the third meth head, a woman, came over and tried to kick him. However, before she could, I hit her from behind, knocking her out. The man with the pipe hit me, but I managed to dodge enough of the blow so that I didn't suffer much more than a bruise. As I fell to one knee, the two remaining meth heads ganged up on me, but before they could attack, Butters jumped into their path, shielding me from their onslaught. My eyes widened as he lifted his hammer and spoke.

"Feel my righteous fury!" he yelled, making it sound like a command, and held his hammer up to the sky. My eyes widened further as the sky outside darkened, despite being completely clear not a minute earlier. Thunder boomed from the storm clouds overhead, and much to my complete shock, lightning flashed and then came down onto Butters' hammer. With his hammer electrified, Butters swung it at our attackers, electrocuting them both and rendering them unconscious. To this day, I'm still not entirely sure how he does that.

"Hooray! I did it! I didn't mess it up this time!" the ecstatic paladin cried happily. When he saw my confused look, he explained, "I've never been able to do that perfectly before. I always get the timing wrong. Eric would always yell at me because I would end up shocking him instead of my opponent." He giggled at that, and I allowed myself a small smirk. I was still a little shocked at the power in that attack, but I would leave it be for now, choosing instead to look for the delivery.

Once we found the delivery and took back the envelope (Hey, they attacked us! We have a right to compensation!), we headed back to Tweek's Coffee, giving the delivery to the twitchy blond.

"Hey! You got the pick-up! Ah, thanks, man!" he thanked me, clearly grateful. He then walked over to his father, who was now in the back as well. "Dad! I finished my work! Can I go play?"

"Where's today's delivery?" he asked, his voice as calm as ever, putting it in stark contrast with his son's hyper yell. When Tweek handed him the package, he took some of the grains in it out and tasted it. "Yep. That's good shit." he said, smiling and turning to Tweek, "Alright, Tweek, you can go play, but be back before dark or you'll be grounded." He then turned back to the machinery, adding distantly, "Grounded. Like the fresh grinds of our all-organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local Tweekers." _What?_

Tweek didn't even acknowledge his father's ramblings. "Thanks, kid! I gotta go get changed, and then I'll meet you at the kingdom!" he said happily, leaving the coffee shop. I nodded in response, even though I knew he didn't see me, and followed Butters out.

"The next closest is Token." Butters informed me, "His house is this way." He then started dragging me back past the movie theater and to the west, all the while continuing to chat, "Token's family is really rich, so his house is really big. It's also guarded by a security guard who will hit you with pepper spray the moment you approach the gate." He shivered, as if recalling a bad memory.

I stopped walking, pulling Butters to a stop as well. As he looked at me quizzically, I pondered.

_Pepper spray can be a real problem, but I need to get to Token, if for no other reason than to continue this intriguing game. Hm…a gas mask would protect me against pepper spray, but where can I get a gas mask in this town?_ I turned to Butters, looking at him questioningly.

"Huh? What is it, Douchebag?" he asked. I pulled out my iPhone and typed out the words "gas mask", showing it to my companion. "A gas mask? Ah, gee whiz, I don't know about that. I mean, you could ask Jimbo and Ned. They own a weapon shop just past Token's house."

_A weapon shop?_ I nodded, heading in that direction, Butters following close behind. on the way, we passed Token's community. Sure enough, there was a gate guarded by a policeman with his hand resting on a can of pepper spray. Beyond the gate was a massive mansion that I assumed to be Token's.

"This is a gated community. Move along, sir." the guard said dully, staring me down. I ignored him, walking past without even looking up. Butters waved to him, although he looked nervous.

After passing a mall, a torn down Japanese restaurant (that Butters apparently got a wet-willy near), a Chinese restaurant, and a tower covered in fireworks, we reached Jimbo's Guns. As we entered, we were greeted by a cheerful, "Hey there!"

I looked up to see two middle-aged men standing behind the counter. Both of them wore hunting clothes, and it looked like one of them was missing his right arm. The man with both arms, who was also the man who greeted us, spoke again. "Are you here for business or pleasure?" he asked pleasantly, before adding, somewhat more sadistically, "Or vengeance?"

"Vengeance!" Butters replied happily, his ever-present grin widening. _I guess you could say that._

The man with the missing arm brought a little microphone to his mouth and spoke through it in an electric monotone, "You've come to the right place." He had apparently smoked too much when he was younger.

"So, you must be the New Kid that just moved to town." the first guy said to me. I arched an eyebrow. _It really is a small town._

"Yeah! I'm showing him around!" Butters declared proudly.

"Well, that's swell. And you're into huntin', huh?" the man smiled at me, sounding excited, "Well, you're in luck. South Park's just full of things to shoot that would delight any hunter, taxidermist or weekend animal-death enthusiast." He then scratched the back of his head, looking almost disappointed. "Not much I can sell to a minor, though."

I looked around the small shop. It certainly lived up to its name, as it was FULL of guns. There were knives, too, and even bows (with arrows). Spotting a gas mask, I pointed to it.

"Ah! You have a good eye, son!" Mr. Two-arms declared, "That gas mask will keep even the strongest pepper spray at bay. Also good for surviving a nuclear war (maybe)." I nodded, ignoring the part about the nuclear war (a mask that could hold up against the aftermath of a nuclear explosion wouldn't be in a place like this, and it certainly wouldn't only cost five bucks) and handed him the money for it. I also bought a real bow and a good supply of arrows, along with a sharpened dagger ("It'll be our little secret.").

"Thank you! Come again any time!" the two-armed guy, who I later learned was Jimbo, called after us. His companion, Ned, simply watched us leave, although there was a small smile on his face.

Once Butters and I got back to the gate, I put on the gas mask. Butters said that I looked like a psycho killer (the hair covering my right eye made it look half-closed), but I didn't care. In fact, it actually helped my purposes. With my defense in place, I stood in front of the guard.

"Move along, sir." he said again, his bored monotone still in place. When I just stood there, silent as always, the guard glared at me, pulling out his pepper spray. However, when the pepper spray had no effect, he freaked out.

"What the fuck?! Oh no!" he cried, pulling out his black club and lunging at me. Butters grabbed his hammer, prepared to come to my aid, but I held out my arm, stopping him. I wanted to test out my new weapons. Pulling out my new dagger, I dove to the side, dodging the guard's attack, despite his body's large amount of surface area. Using my smaller size and younger age to my advantage, I turned in place, jumping onto the guard's back and knocking him out with a blow to the back of his head with my dagger's hilt. I sheathed my blade as the man fell, taking off my mask as Butters congratulated me. He almost seemed a little disappointed that he wasn't able to participate in the fight, so I silently reminded him that I was the only one wearing a gas mask, meaning that I was the only one who could resist the chemical's effect. When he nodded in understanding, he went back to laughing at the fallen guard as I entered the community, which only consisted of Token's mansion. _ Vengeance, huh?_

Reaching the mansion, I knocked on the door. Almost immediately, a young African American answered. He was wearing a simple purple jacket with a golden letter "T" on the front. _I'm guessing this is Token._

"Yeah?" he asked when he saw me. I just stood there silently. Butters was still laughing at the guard, who was just picking himself off of the ground, leaving me without a translator. Token tilted his head slightly. "Can I help you?" he asked me, confused. Not one to start unnecessary conversation, I simply handed Token the letter that Cartman had given me. Token accepted the letter and took one look at it before arching an eyebrow.

"Oh, the elves took the Stick again?" he asked casually, not waiting for an answer, "Hang on a second." He then closed the door, opening it again a few minutes later dressed in a purple jacket with white sleeves and orange pants. He also wore a red Nike headband and a red scarf, with plastic knives taped to his belt.

"Thank you for thy message, traveler." he thanked me, getting into character, "I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!" He then ran off somewhere inside the house, calling, "Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?" I just blinked, walking back out of the gate and dragging Butters away from the guard, who looked at me in shame. I smirked at him, making him squirm.

"Craig's house is to the south." Butters told me once he had finally stopped giggling. I nodded to him and held my hand out, offering for him to lead me. He smiled at my gesture, taking my hand in his own and leading me toward Craig's house. _I think the cold might be getting to the poor kid. His cheeks are turning pink._

As we walked, I checked my Facebook page and noticed that Clyde had unfriended me and sent me a message. I rolled my eyes, dismissing it as a temper tantrum, although I don't know why he blamed me for his "banishment". However, before I could finish reading the message, Butters pulled me to a stop.

"This is Craig's house." Butters said, pointing to a grayish-brown house almost exactly halfway between my house and the school (which my parents showed me last night). I walked up to the front door, knocking on it. Soon, a middle-aged man with receding red hair answered. He took one look at me and glared.

"You're looking for Craig?" he asked, not waiting for me to respond before continuing, "Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flipping off the principal." And with that, he closed the door in my face.

"Well, he seems like a nice man." I thought sarcastically. Butters gasped.

"Oh no! Craig's in jail! We gotta go tell the Grand Wizard!" he cried, running back to Cartman's house. I followed at a more leisurely pace. No matter how interesting this game became, I still wasn't as serious about it as the others seemed to be. Besides, there was something else that was bothering me. Why did I get a distinct sense of foreboding when I read Clyde's message to me? Especially when reading the last phrase, which I felt that I had to take very seriously?

**I'm gonna get you back for this, I swear!**


	5. Dragonshout!

When I entered Kupa Keep, all of the kingdom's members were gathered in front of the Wizard's tent.

"All soldiers reporting for duty, Grand Wizard!" Butters declared, standing next to me and saluting. Everyone stood aside as Cartman emerged from the tent.

"Nice work, Douchebag." the Wizard said, nodding to me before addressing the whole group, "Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the-" He stopped suddenly, looking around in confusion. "Wait a minute…Where's Felspar?" He looked at me accusingly, "Where's my level 12 thief?" _Thief, huh?_

"Hey yeah, where's Craig?" Butters asked, looking at Tweek and Token. At first I thought he was simply backing up Cartman like he always did, but then he moved so that he was standing between me and the fat wizard. _I see. He's trying to redirect Cartman's attention to Token and Tweek and away from me. Cute._

Token caught Butters' look and answered, "He's in detention."

"What?" Cartman practically growled. Tweek answered this time.

"H-He flipped off the principal, s-so he's in detention again!" he stuttered/screamed.

"Oh my god." Cartman muttered, staring angrily at the ground, "If they've locked up our thief in detention, we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!"

Tweek freaked out. "Agh! No way, man! Last time we broke Craig out of detention, we all got in trouble!" he yelled, pulling on his hair. Yet, despite his words, one look at his eyes told me that he really wanted to free Craig. I then saw Token hide a small smile. _Interesting._

Cartman, pretending to consider Tweek's "objection", replied, "Getting into trouble is a risk that Douchebag is willing to take." _Huh?_

Cartman walked up to me, the seriousness on his face unnerving me slightly, although I was starting to get used to it. "You have to break out our thief, Douchebag. But don't worry, I will not let you go unprepared. I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training grounds. It is time for you to learn…Dragonshout." the Wizard said, speaking the last word with a quiet emphasis, as if he were speaking of some forbidden power. Then, he walked over to an area in the right-hand side of the kingdom, where three training dummies were placed.

_Dragonshout? The fart technique? I learned almost all of the fart techniques a while ago out of boredom (there's not much one can do when trying to keep a low profile). Dragonshout is the most simple of the techniques, since all you have to do is suck in air and then blow it out. I've learned three of them, but there is rumored to be a fourth technique that only the elite can learn, one that I aspire to learn someday, but I seriously doubt this fat little bastard is among that elite. I guess I'll just play along for now._ I followed the Wizard to the training grounds as everyone else returned to their duties.

"You fight well, Douchebag." Cartman addressed me as I approached, "But to be truly successful in combat, you must learn to harness the power…of your farts." He said the last part dramatically. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Cartman then continued to explain the importance of farting on an opponent, before making me swear the "Gentlemen's Oath", which makes you swear to never fart on a man's balls. I had learned that before I had learned any of the techniques. He then explained how to use Dragonshout, which I just tuned out.

After demonstrating Dragonshout (he had decent power, making the dummy move slightly), he stepped back and turned to me. "Okay, now it's your turn. Dragonshout!"

I stepped up to the training dummy, a look of apathetic boredom on my face, and prepared Dragonshout. I let the air remain within me for a while longer than usual, making it more powerful, and then unleashed it on the poor training dummy, knocking the flimsy cardboard over completely. Cartman's jaw dropped.

"My god…" the Wizard muttered, looking genuinely speechless, "That was…incredible…" His eyes never left the fallen dummy. "A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so…boisterous." He then turned to me, his eyes wide and, dare I say it, admiring. "Could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last?"

My eyes widened slightly (and luckily, unnoticeably). _Dragonborn?_

Cartman then recovered from his state of awe (he was clearly unused to it) and was now trying to hide a grin. "Now let us try your skill on a real opponent."

Cartman turned to the crowd of kids that had gathered when I unleashed my attack and searched for a worthy "opponent" (read: target).

"Hey! Hey, Princess Kenny! Could you come here a second?" Cartman called, shushing me (not that I had said anything). _Oh no._ "Could you stand over here for a second, Douchebag's gonna try a new move."

Kenny, blissfully ignorant of what he-she was facing, stood in front of me and took up a defensive stance. All of the other boys gathered at the edge of the training grounds. They hadn't witnessed my first attack, so they were interested. I looked at him-her apologetically (or, at least, I wanted to, but my apathetic look was known for its persistence) before stepping up to him-her and unleashing the Dragonshout (not as powerful as the one I had used on the training dummy) onto his-her entire body. He-She jumped backward, flailing his-her arms as the whole kingdom erupted in laughter. The loudest, of course, was Cartman.

"HA HA HA HA HA! THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA! DUDE, THAT WAS AWESOME! HA HA! Ah…Good work, Douchebag. That was sweet!" he praised me, wiping joyful tears from his eyes, "Heh heh. Thanks, Princess Kenny."

Kenny stormed off with a muffled "Fuck you, asshole!" though I couldn't tell if the swearing was directed at me or Cartman.

The Wizard, clearly used to being cursed out, ignored Kenny and placed a hand on my shoulder, his tone becoming serious. "Okay, dude, but seriously, never do that on anyone's balls." I nodded. I knew the Gentlemen's Code. He nodded in return, continuing, "You have mastered Dragonshout! Now go! Use what I taught you to rescue our other thief from detention. Butters and Kenny will accompany you while I lounge upon my throne."

I rolled my eyes. _I had already mastered Dragonshout. You didn't teach me anything._ I just walked out of Cartman's house and headed toward the school, with the Princess and the Paladin in tow.


	6. Friends and a translator

_I swear to all that is holy, South Park has got to be the only place in the WORLD where children actually play near the school after it lets out._

When Butters, Kenny, and I got to the school, we saw several groups of kids hanging out outside of the building. Some of them were just sitting on the ground playing in the snow, while others were chasing each other around in a friendly game of tag. I saw a window close to the ground (right at eye level) that allowed me to look inside without being seen.

"That's the cafeteria." Butters whispered in my ear, "That's where the warden Mr. Mackey imprisons those he captures." His eyes were wide with horror. I resisted the urge to roll my own eyes (soon I'm gonna become immune to the urge and consequently never be able to roll my eyes again) and looked in. The room was large, like most cafeterias, and there were a few kids seated randomly. No one was sitting near each other, probably because they weren't allowed to talk. I looked around and noticed a kid who was dressed differently from the others. He was wearing a dark blue hat with a yellow poofball on top, and a brown scarf and cape. Over his light gray-brown jacket was a belt that was being worn like a sash, which held two light-brown patches. He was looking at his watch, as if waiting for something. _Let me guess…_

"Craig! Craig, this is detention, m'kay?" a voice bellowed from the front of the room. I looked to see a middle-aged man with a head that looked like it had been blown up like a balloon. He was glaring at the kid who was looking at his watch. _Thought so._

"That's the warden, Mr. Mackey." Butters quietly informed me, shuddering. Kenny rolled his eyes at Butters. I went back to spying.

"Stop looking at your watch!" Mr. Mackey was saying/yelling, with Craig totally ignoring him, "You're here for three hours, buddy, m'kay?"

"Whatever." Craig replied, his voice a dull, uninterested monotone. He was still looking at his watch.

"Don't think your friends are gonna bust you out this time, Craig!" Mr. Mackey yelled, crossing his arms angrily and glaring at the rebellious boy. Craig wasn't fazed.

"My name is Felspar. I am a level 6 thief and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower." he said, wearing the exact same blank expression that I always wore. _I think Craig and I are gonna get along just fine._

Mr. Mackey, meanwhile, was starting to lose his patience. "No, your name is fucking Craig Tucker and you're in detention, m'kay, so start doing your homework! M'kay, I've got all the doors sealed, and I've got hall monitors working overtime! Nobody's gonna save your ass today, Craig! M'kay?"

"We'll just see about that." I thought, turning back to my companions, who had both lost interest in the conversation and were now discussing something that I could not discern. "That's okay. Let them enjoy their time away from the Wizard. I'm used to working on my own, anyway." I turned back toward the school's entrance. "Sealed doors and hallway monitors? Well, the front door isn't sealed. I can see that from here. Now all I need to figure out is how to deal with the hall monitors." I looked back at Kenny and Butters, who were laughing at whatever they were talking about (something about big boobs and cat piss, I don't even wanna know). "I should probably leave those two out of this. They always have to follow Cartman's rules; they deserve to have some free time. Besides, I doubt Kenny will want to follow me after the Dragonshout incident." I walked up to the doors, preparing myself for whatever was waiting inside. Suddenly, I heard a familiar yell behind me.

"Hey! Douchebag! Wait for us!" I turned to see Kenny and Butters running up to me. I looked at them in confusion as they both stopped to catch their breath. However, my expressions are not that readable (read: not readable AT ALL), so I wasn't surprised when Kenny scolded me for leaving them behind. I looked at Butters, my expression unchanging, expecting him to scold me, too. What he actually said, however, shocked me.

"Why do you look so confused, Douchebag?" he asked, smiling at me, "We're here to help you."

Kenny's expression changed from irritated to incredulous, looking between me and Butters as he uttered a muffled "He looks confused?"

My eyes widened slightly (read: unnoticeably) as I stared at Butters. I then subconsciously glanced back in the direction we came, thinking again about Cartman and the Dragonshout incident. When I turned back to Butters a second later, I was shocked (even more) to find that he had an understanding look on his face.

"Let me guess." he started, placing a hand on his chin as he looked at me, "You thought that Kenny was still mad at you for using Dragonshout on her, and that we wouldn't want to follow you because we always have to follow Eric?" He nodded knowingly as my jaw dropped (just a little). Kenny looked at me with even wider eyes, as if looking for whatever it was that led Butters to that conclusion. Butters just laughed. "Well, that's just silly." he said, patting my back in much the same way he did when he was "healing" me, "I mean, gee whiz, Douchebag, we're your friends. We don't mind following you. We're all in this together."

Kenny nodded in agreement, assuring me that the Dragonshout attack "was the fatass's fault, not mine."

Butters then looked at me seriously with a semi-glare. "And by the way, don't you EVER compare yourself to Eric, Douchebag. You're not nearly as bad as he is."

I looked from Butters to Kenny, who nodded again, adding, "It's nice to follow someone who isn't a total asshole for a change."

I looked at both of them before nodding, hiding a small smile, before turning back toward the school once more. I pushed the front doors open and walked in, with my companions- my friends- by my side.


	7. Jailbreak!

The moment we entered the school, we were confronted by a hall monitor. He was obviously ginger, with pale skin, bright red hair, and freckles. As soon as he noticed us, he glared, holding up a bat.

"Excuse me, but school is out. No students are allowed on the premises until tomorrow at 7:30 a.m." He glared at Kenny and Butters, well aware of why _they_ were there. However, his expression became friendlier as he looked at me. "You must be the New Kid. Don't follow the examples these guys set." he told me, gesturing to my friends, "They are constant troublemakers."

Kenny and Butters both protested the ginger's words, but I ignored them, approaching the hall monitor and pulling out my dagger, a sinister smirk on my face. "So am I." I thought, slamming my dagger's hilt into the side of the ginger's head, practically throwing him to the ground. The ginger stared at me with terrified eyes, pulling out a walkie-talkie.

"Officer down! Officer down!" he yelled, "I repeat, officer down! All hall monitors to the right hallway!" I took the walkie-talkie from the "fallen officer", kicking him away before he could say anymore. On the other end, I heard Mr. Mackey's response.

"Oh, goddammit!" he growled, frustration evident in his voice, even through the speakers. Kenny and Butters crowded around me as we heard Craig's response.

"Heeeere they come." he said in his usual monotone.

"They aren't gonna get you, Craig!" Mr. Mackey yelled defiantly, "You're not getting out of detention!"

"I'll be outta here in 10 minutes." came Craig's usual response.

"Oh golly." Butters mumbled, beginning to freak out, "Mr. Mackey knows we're here." Kenny patted Butters' back, attempting to reassure him. I just looked toward the hallway to the right.

_10 minutes, huh? Let's see if we can meet that expectation. _I signaled for the two blonds to follow me. Butters clung to my arm as we headed in. He seemed to have a fear of getting into trouble. Kenny checked his manicured nails. He was clearly used to getting into trouble. We only got a short way into the hallway before we were stopped by a large pile of chairs.

_Well, this proves that the cafeteria is this way. Now how are we going to get past this?_ Suddenly, I heard laughter.

"Let's see you get past the blockade, intruder!" one of the gingers yelled, while the other one lit a rolled up piece of paper and threw it at us. We all jumped back, and the paper bounced back toward the blockade. That gave me an idea. I signaled for my companions to get back (Kenny didn't understand me, but Butters did, and he pulled Kenny back), and then I approached the burning piece of paper, preparing Dragonshout.

"Bring it on, New Kid!" one of the hall monitors challenged me, laughing at my apparent inferiority. That's when I turned around and unleashed Dragonshout on the open flame, blowing up the blockade and sending the hall monitors guarding it flying.

"Woohoo! Way to go, Douchebag!" Butters cheered at Kenny burst out laughing. I simply signaled for them to follow me as I made my way past the destroyed barrier. We soon came up to the cafeteria, and I listened as I heard Mr. Mackey yell from the other side, "You're not getting in here, m'kay? I've hidden the key somewhere, and you'll never find it in my office!" I smirked as I heard snickering on the other side of the door, followed by a frustrated. "Oh, damn it!"

"His office, huh?" I thought, turning to Kenny and Butters. They led me to Mr. Mackey's office, but it was locked. I growled, making both Kenny and Butters back away from me, eyeing my movements warily (they had both seen me in battle, so they knew I was dangerous), and leading Butters to suggest that we check some other rooms. We ventured further into the school, knocking out more ginger hall monitors (it would seem that ALL of the hall monitors were ginger). As we continued walking, Kenny and Butters began discussing another event in their past, this time making fun of Cartman. I heard something about Cartman joining NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association) and nearly getting several boys raped before I tuned them out, cringing at the thought.

As we kept walking, with Kenny and Butters a short distance ahead of me, I noticed something they didn't. Around the corner, a group of ginger hall monitors were waiting in ambush. I stopped, readying the bow that I had gotten from Jimbo and Ned. As the gingers moved in, I kicked a locker, gaining my companions' attention. As they stopped, the gingers charged, but before they could get to my friends, I shot one of the fluorescent lights hanging from the ceiling, taking down all of the attackers at once. Kenny and Butters stared at me, mouths open in awe. I gave them both a scolding look, and although Butters was the only one who understood me enough to bow his head in apology, Kenny soon followed the other blond's example, bowing his head and apologizing as well. I just nodded in acceptance, continuing my journey through the school, with Kenny and Butters both following close behind me, weapons out and alert.

As I turned the corner, I heard a kid screaming behind another locked door. I also noticed that there was another blockade on the other side of the hallway. Knowing that I would need a key to get into the room, I headed for the blockade. There were several gingers on the other side of the blockade, guarding it. They mocked me, challenging me to get through. The leader approached me, waving a key in my face.

"You can pry this brass key from my cold, dead hands." he gloated, moving to the back of the hallway behind the blockade, practically oozing confidence. I stepped back, examining the barrier, looking for a way in. This barrier was more sophisticated than the last one I had to deal with. Instead of just a pile of chairs, it was a fence on wheels, which many buildings tended to have.

_Hm. No open flames, so Dragonshout won't do much. Neither my dagger, nor my bow can get through it. _ That's when Kenny stepped up to me, snapping me out of my thoughts. As I looked at him, he kneeled in front of me, bowing his head and saying, "Your word is my command, my lord."

I looked at Kenny questioningly, not quite sure what he was asking. He looked up at me, as if waiting for me to do something, so I just pointed to one of the ginger kids. Kenny nodded in response, and I'm sure he was smirking as he approached the blockade, calling out to the ginger I had indicated and…wait a minute…is he showing off his nipples?! What's that going to do?! He doesn't even have breasts!

However, it would seem that I was the ONLY one not affected. Butters had turned away in embarrassment while the ginger I had pointed to was approaching the gate, drooling.

"Whoa, what have we got here?" he said, dazed, "Ooh, boobies!" He rushed over, removing the blockade so he could get to Kenny, chanting "Must touch. Must touch." Kenny just giggled, taking out a mirror and hitting the ginger over the head, knocking him out. I shook my head slightly as the princess bowed to me, entering the previously-blockaded area. I looked at Butters, who just shrugged, before returning to the task at hand. _The lead hall monitor has a brass key, which I must need to get into the cafeteria, which means that I must get that key at all costs._

I looked at the barricade that lay past the gate. There were four gingers behind it, but they didn't seem to want to chase me, preferring for me to come to them. I held my arm out, telling my companions to stand back. I spotted a bulletin board near two of the gingers. My arrows took care of the bulletin board, bringing the gingers down with it. That left only two opponents, who I just left to Kenny and Butters (they were getting restless). When the leader fell, I took the brass key from him, glaring at him as he pulled out his walkie-talkie.

"More officers down! We're taking heavy casualties out here!" he cried into the speaker. Mr. Mackey's voice could be heard on the other end.

"Damn it! You hall monitors need to stop playing around!" he yelled. The ginger looked frantic.

"He's got the brass key! He's some kind of Dragonborn!"

I flinched. _That name again…_ With that, I snatched the walkie-talkie from his hands, just in time to hear Mr. Mackey say, "Now look, this is detention time, not time to play Dungeons &amp; Dragons! And besides, he's never gonna get inside here because to open the door you need to gold key, and the only way to get the gold key is by getting the silver key, m'kay, and even if he has the brass key, he still hasn't made it past the boss level! M'kay?"

_M'kay._ I turned off the walkie-talkie, the shadow of my hood covering my eyes as a grin pulled at my lips. The ginger shuddered at the sight. _Thanks for the info, Mackey._

I looked at my companions, my expression showing no signs of the sadistic pleasure displayed not a second before, and pointed my finger toward the room that the screams were coming from. They both nodded, following me as I headed in that direction. From behind me, I heard Butters whisper to Kenny, "I think Douchebag doesn't like being called "Dragonborn"."

"Really?" Kenny asked, surprised.

"Well, yeah." Butters replied, "I mean, gee whiz, Kenny, didn't you see that dark aura that surrounded him when that ginger kid called him "some sort of Dragonborn"? And when Eric called him a Dragonborn, I swear I saw him shudder." Kenny was astonished. And so was I.

_I can't believe he can really see so far into my emotions. No one's ever been able to tell what I was feeling before, much less so accurately. I should probably keep him around as much as possible, at least while interacting with others. Still, how does he do it?_

Choosing to focus on the mission, I unlocked the door and entered the other room. Once inside, we were greeted by several more gingers, blockades, and in the back, a kid crying, several suction-cup arrows stuck to his back.

"Great. More people in trouble." I thought sarcastically, "And look, another barricade. Are those fireworks?"

I blinked a couple of times, wondering why there were fireworks just lying around in an elementary school, before shrugging and setting them off with one of my arrows. One of them hit a ginger, who stood behind a barricade made from two tables, breaking it. Another firework hit one of the gingers that was attacking the kid, knocking him out, and the last one set the last barricade on fire, allowing me to blow it apart with Dragonshout. I then shot a pile of books, wiping out the last ginger kid and allowing my group to approach to kid. His injuries weren't serious, a few little scrapes, but his crying still looked pathetic, so I commanded Butters to "heal" him.

"Thanks. I thought I was a goner." the kid said to me and my companions, "There were too many of them. They were too strong. Their hair, too red." He then took a silver key from his pocket and handed it to me. "Maybe you can take this silver key and find the gold key. You can succeed where I have failed! Free Mackey's prisoners!" he yelled as he ran out the door. I just nodded, looking to my friends.

"Hey, uh, that's the silver key, right, fellas?" Butters asked us. Kenny nodded.

"Yeah. That key unlocks Mackey's lair." he told us. I found that hanging around Kenny for an extended period of time makes him easier to understand. I turned around, heading back to Mr. Mackey's office.

After unlocking the door, I entered a room that was filled with cabinets and drawers. There was a desk in the middle of the room with two chairs in front of it. And on a shelf above the desk was the gold key. I arched an eyebrow, shooting down the key and catching it. _That was easy._

"The gold key!" Butters gasped in wonder, "No human has ever laid hands on it before."

I arched my eyebrow again, this time at Butters. "Then how did you guys break Craig out of detention last time?" Not that I really bothered to ask, since, by the look on Kenny's face, I could surmise that Butters was exaggerating.

Now, with the gold key in my possession, I headed for the cafeteria. It'd been about 8 minutes since we first showed up, and I intended to stay on the schedule that Craig had set for us. However, before I could open the door, an older hall monitor stopped me.

"Hey!" he called out, making me turn to face him. He looked to be in fifth or sixth grade. His bright red hair was in a buzz-cut style and he was wearing dark brown armor with a silver badge on his left shoulder. The sash that read "hall monitor" was gray, rather than white like the others, indicating how long it had been in use. His face was covered with freckles.

"Where's your hall pass?" he asked, the unspoken challenge not lost one me, "No hall pass, huh? Then it's time to give you a referral!" He then pulled out a stick with a dodgeball attached to it by a string.

"Oh yeah! That's the boss! Good luck fightin' the boss! You still think this is a game, young man!" Mr. Mackey yelled through the door, before having to silence the cheers from the students in detention, who were supporting me.

I took out my dagger, always preferring close combat. The boss summoned two other hall monitors, but Kenny and Butters intercepted them, forcing him to face me alone. I lunged, striking him with a full-force attack and knocking him back. He glared at me, swinging the dodgeball, which I blocked. After checking to make sure my friends were okay, I pulled out another knife, which I had upgraded to a scythe-like dagger, and snuck around the older ginger, inflicting a deep wound in his side. He cringed and fell to one knee, before pulling out his phone and threatening to call my parents. I narrowed my eyes and Dragonshouted in his face, making him drop the phone, which I then crushed under my foot. The boss swore at me and swung the dodgeball again, but I jumped out of the way, stunning him with a kick to the head before slashing him again with my dagger. With that final attack, the boss collapsed, succumbing to the bleeding. Once the boss fell, I looked to my companions, only to see them applauding me, the two other gingers lying defeated at their feet. I smirked, opening the door and freeing the students. They all cheered and took off, with me, Kenny, Butters, and Craig close behind them. Behind us, I could hear Mr. Mackey yelling in frustrated defeat.

"Damn you, Craig!"


	8. Raid on the Giggling Donkey

When we returned to Kupa Keep, Craig was greeted enthusiastically by the rest of the warriors, who were rejoicing at the news of his release. Craig just nodded, looking at each of them emotionlessly. That is, until he noticed Tweek hanging back, looking at the ground guiltily. Craig smiled slightly, walking over to the twitchy blond and putting a hand on his trembling shoulder, eliciting a small spasm, followed by a flurry of apologies. Craig gently shook the smaller boy, assuring him that he wasn't mad. Although the thief didn't actually speak, Tweek seemed to understand him and smiled, following Craig as they joined the rest of the group. I hid a smile of my own, standing at the center of the group next to Butters as we all faced the Grand Wizard.

"Gentlemen." the Grand Wizard began, "Thanks to the New Kid, our entire army is assembled. It is my belief that the New Kid deserves to rank up in level." Everyone turned to me as I just looked at the fat wizard, my blank poker face ever-present. _Oh really? Yay._ "To honor his efforts, he will no longer be called "Douchebag"." _Oh goodie._ "New Kid, I hereby dub thee…Sir Douchebag! Congratulations." _What? Really?_

Apparently, my new title came with a new outfit. My hood was now black instead of blue. Everyone applauded me, until Cartman continued the meeting.

"Now it is time to take back that which is rightfully ours!" he announced, slamming his staff on the ground for emphasis, "A carrier raven has just come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven Forest. It is in possession of…the Bard."

At the mention of "the Bard", everyone in the kingdom gasped in horror.

"The Bard?" Scott asked, terrified.

"Oh god! N-Not the Bard!" Tweek shrieked, hiding behind Craig.

_The Bard?_ I looked at Butters for answers, only to find him trembling too.

"The Bard is a level 10 drow elf who can use magic to enchant and destroy his enemies!" he explained to me, the fear evident in his voice. I patted his shoulder, unfazed by his claims. From what I'd heard at the school, Butters could read my emotions in the aura I give off, so hopefully some of my confidence would rub off on him. It seemed to work when I saw him smile, hugging me before pulling away quickly, rubbing his knuckles together sheepishly. Before I could respond, Cartman called me to him.

"Are you ready to continue your training?" he asked, not waiting for an answer, "Then make haste to the training grounds."

I looked at Butters and, seeing him tending to the shop, headed toward the training grounds. His face was red again. Maybe he should see a doctor.

Before talking to Cartman, I walked up to Craig, who was sparring with Tweek. As a fellow thief, I felt that I should at least learn more about this "Felspar".

"The Bard has no honor." Craig growled, a distinct anger hidden underneath his monotone. I looked at Tweek, who was catching his breath, before turning back to Craig and pointing to the spazzy warrior (making sure he couldn't see me pointing). Craig nodded, lowering his voice. "The Bard, along with several other elves, attacked Tweek while he was patrolling a few days ago. He hadn't been injured that badly, but the experience still left him traumatized. I'll never forgive that damn elf." Craig clenched his fists, his entire body shaking with rage (of course, only someone who was used to suppressing their emotions would have noticed). I nodded, silently promising to give the Bard what was coming to him, and Craig nodded in return, silently thanking me. I then looked over at Tweek again, who was now repeatedly striking a training dummy while chanting a mantra of "Need to practice…" with the occasional "Agh!", before turning back to Craig and, making sure Tweek didn't see me, I made a small heart with my hand, winking at my fellow thief as I pointed (again unseen) at the little spaz. Craig, seeing this, turned bright red and grabbed me by my collar, pulling me closer as he whispered dangerously, "Tell no one." I just gave him a thumbs up, which, being a fellow "man of few words", he understood as meaning "Good luck." I then went over to Cartman as Craig returned to helping Tweek train. Luckily for both of us, my "conversation" with Craig had gone more or less unnoticed.

"You've done well, Douchebag." Cartman said as I approached, "But now, I will teach you how to use a ranged magic attack. It's not easy, but being able to Cup-a-Spell from a distance can save you in battle. Allow me to demonstrate." He then proceeded to perform Cup-a-Spell twice. I watched him, skillfully feigning interest. He definitely knew how to perform the two fart techniques, but they're both pathetically weak. He can barely even move that light-weight dummy.

When it came to be my turn, I stood in place (further back than Cartman stood) and farted into my hand, using a weak form of telekinesis to hold it together (yes, that's the key to this technique), and then threw it at the dummy, almost knocking it to the ground.

"YES! YES!" Cartman yelled happily at my success, before stating, as I knew he would, "But now, let's see how you fare against a real opponent." He then turned to the audience (yes, I had an audience) and selecting one poor bastard to be my "foe". "Hey! Hey Butters! Come here a minute!" _Oh HELL NO!_

Butters' eyes widened in fear and he gulped, reluctantly stepping up in front of me and taking a wary battle stance. My eyes temporarily lit up in rage. _I am NOT attacking Butters, I don't care WHAT this wizard says!_ Why the thought of attacking Butters angered me so, I had no idea, but I knew that it did, and I was not going to blindly follow the wizard's orders this time. I prepared Cup-a-Spell again, readying the attack as Butters closed his eyes, waiting. Then, smirking, I turned on my heel, tossing the enclosed fart full-force into the face of the Grand Wizard himself. As the fatass fell backwards, partly from the force of the fart and partly from shock, the entire yard erupted into a chorus of laughter. Many of the warriors fell to the ground, clutching at their aching sides. Craig and Tweek had to lean on each other for support and Kenny almost died (he looked dead for a second). I also saw that Token had his phone out, recording the entire thing. I motioned for Craig to tell Token to send me the video later, turning my attention back to Cartman as he staggered to his feet, murder in his eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL, DOUCHEBAG!" he bellowed, stomping up to me, "I TOLD YOU TO ATTACK BUTTERS, NOT ME!"

"Not so funny now, is it?" Kenny muttered angrily as Butters placed himself between me and the fuming wizard.

"Don't blame Douchebag!" the paladin begged, holding his arms out, "He just slipped! I saw it! He slipped on the snow!"

The infuriated fatass narrowed his eyes, not quite buying the paladin's words. Still, after seeing me grip my dagger, he backed down, giving me and Butters the "I-won't-forget-this" look. "Very well, Douchebag. Just remember; never do that on a man's balls." He then called everyone to assemble.

"Attention!" Cartman yelled, ignoring the snickers that still filled the kingdom, "If the carrier ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick back to the Elven Forest."

"Let us find the Bard and bring him to justice!" Butters yelled, holding his hammer in the air.

"Make haste to the Giggling Donkey!" the Wizard commanded as he led the rest of us out of the kingdom.

As we made our way through the neighborhood, Butters stayed at the back of the group, pulling me aside.

"What did you think you were doing?" he asked me, his voice a hoarse whisper, "Eric's gonna kill you now."

I gave Butters a "look-at-all-the-fucks-I-give" look, patting him reassuringly on the back as we caught up with the rest of the group. He still looked worried, but I wasn't.

"There it is." the Wizard said gravely as we hid behind some bushes, "The Inn of the Giggling Donkey."

I was slightly confused. The building in front of us looked like an ordinary blue-violet house, the same building structure as most of the houses in South Park. Although, I had to admit, it was a very pretty color.

Cartman, unfazed by the house's ordinary appearance, turned to Butters. "Paladin, are you sure the Bard is hiding out in there?"

"That's what Twitter says." Butters replied.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Carrier raven, Butters!"

Butters flinched. "Sorry, that's what the carrier raven says."

_Ah. So the "carrier raven" is Twitter. Cool._

Cartman then turned to the rest of us. "Craig, Tweek, and Token, guard to back door. Butters, Kenny, Sir Douchebag, let's go inside." he commanded, leading us inside while the other three went around the back.

Inside, the Giggling Donkey was nothing like the normal-looking outside, but could only be described as an old-school bar, like one would see in the movies. Kids dressed in criminal outfits sat at tables, with one kid standing behind a longer table dressed as a bartender, with several barrels of Gatorade behind him. All eyes fell on us as we entered.

Cartman came up beside me, muttering into my ear, "Stay close, Sir Douchebag. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron."

My eyebrows came together. I had sensed that already. Butters grabbed my hand, looking nervous, and held it, which I had no objections to.

Cartman leaned on the bartender's table, speaking to him casually, "A glass of meedlewine, please."

"No meedlewine today. Only fairy ale." The bartender replied monotonously, sounding slightly bored.

"A pint of fairy ale, then." Cartman said, shrugging. As the bartender handed him a cup of green Gatorade, Cartman looked around and asked as nonchalantly as he could, "So, has anyone seen the Bard lately?"

At that moment, the music that had been playing in the background stopped, and every pair of eyes in the bar turned toward us, glaring menacingly. Someone coughed as Cartman looked around, slightly nervous.

"A cup of fairy ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs." he said, trying to maintain a casual air. I stepped forward, letting go of Butters' hand (much to his displeasure) as I silently challenged anyone to fight me. Nobody moved.

"Sure, he's here, alright." the bartender said, breaking the silence, "He's got a room down in the cellar."

Hearing this, I turned back to the bartender, eyeing him suspiciously. _The cellar? Why the cellar? If this Bard is a performer, as he has been made out to be, wouldn't he be staying somewhere a little bit more, I don't know, public? Smells like a trap._

Cartman didn't seem to notice. "Then I shall pay handsomely for his services." he said, finishing off the "fairy ale" and throwing some coins on the table. "Sir Douchebag." he addressed me, telling me to follow, which I did after motioning for Kenny and Butters to follow me.

When we got to the cellar, Cartman, once again, began giving orders. "Butters, Douchebag, go down and flush him out. Princess Kenny and I will be waiting up here to murder him. Remember, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you."

Butters and I both nodded, heading down into the cellar. As the door closed behind us, plunging us into nearly-total darkness, Butters grabbed onto my arm, whispering fearfully, "Do you think the Bard is really down here?"

I looked at my companion. Even though I couldn't see any of the details of his face, I knew that his light-blue eyes were wide and terrified. I growled suddenly, turning toward the back corner of the room. I had seen a shadow move in that direction, with several others doing the same. I pulled Butters close to my side, silently telling him to be quiet, which he understood.

_I knew it. This was a trap. My guess is that the Bard is waiting for us in that back corner, with several other elves to back him up._ I sighed. _I was really hoping that I could get by without using this, at least for a little while, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let these bastards hurt Butters._

I closed my eyes, feeling Butters shiver against my side as the aura I was giving off changed from wary to deadly. I could feel him turn so that we were facing each other, his hands gripping my arms tightly.

"Douchebag?" Butters asked uncertainly, shaking me gently. I growled again, not at him, but at the shadows, letting them know that I knew they were there. I then hissed, this time in pain, as a stronger presence made itself known.

"Oh Jesus! It's the Bard!" Butters cried in terror, shaking me in an attempt to regain my attention.

I heard the sound of crutches on the ground as a voice proclaimed challengingly, "Prepare for battle, we-we-weaklings! Elves, fall in!"

I raised my head, sensing the shadows gather around us. I knew it was still dark, since Butters was still looking around frantically for the unseen enemies. Butters shook me, begging me to open my eyes, and, unable to stand the burning sensation any longer, I obliged, causing Butters to fall back in shock.

My eyes were no longer pitch black like usual, but were instead glowing red. I growled again, causing the shadows to back down temporarily. I then turned back to Butters, fully expecting him to make a bee-line for the door, but he shocked me, as he often did. Rather than running, he simply stepped back to my side, still gripping my arm, and asked, "Where are they?"

I looked around, glaring at the elves, who were now frozen in terror. Now that my eyes were no longer hindered by darkness, I could also make out a clear image of the Bard. He was a cripple, as I had already surmised from the sound of crutches, with his legs twisted and useless for walking. His crutches were attached to his arms and his eyes were turned permanently upward. He was also holding a lute.

The Bard's eyes widened as he looked at me, shuddering as my eyes bore into him. Still, the elves had quite a lot of pride, so he ordered his men to attack. I also heard Cartman cry out, "Douchebag! It's a trap!" as he and Kenny were dragged away.

"You should not have come here, h-humans." the Bard stated, trying to hide his fear as I stared at him, my blood-red eyes showing no mercy, "I am a level 10 bard, and with my lute, I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of ench- With magical songs of encha-" he then began to stutter, which continued as we all waited patiently for him to finally say, "With magical songs of enchantment!"

Despite the Bard's attempts at intimidation, the room was still dark, so the elves were at the same disadvantage as Butters. However, with my vision heightened, I could now see perfectly. After making sure that Butters was out of harm's way (he couldn't fight in the dark, either), I lunged at the elves. They could see me well enough, courtesy of my glowing red eyes, but the superiority radiating from those eyes froze my enemies in their tracks, allowing me to take them all out at once.

With his guards defeated, the Bard fled muttering, "Wow. W-What a butt-kicking…"

With the elves defeated, my eyes returned to normal, plunging me back into darkness. I put my hand on my left eye, where I could feel my scar burning in agony. I also felt a familiar warm liquid oozing from it and I knew that the activation of the sight had reopened it, just like it always did. I'll never forgive that bastard.

With my energy drained, I fell to my knees, leaning against another body as a pair of arms encircled me. I looked up, my obsidian eye (the one that didn't have blood in it) locking with the pair of sky blue ones that were gleaming with tears. I patted his shoulder, letting him know that I was okay, and tried to get up, only to have the little paladin pull me closer, his body quivering with a mixture of fear and relief.

"Douchebag! You're okay! Thank God! Please don't scare me like that again!" he sobbed, rocking back and forth as he held me close, using one of his "healing cloths" to wipe the blood from my left eye. My mind swarmed with guilt as I leaned against my friend. I hadn't meant to scare him. However, before Butters could say anything else, we heard someone clear their throat.

"Hey, lovebirds! Hate to break up the lovefest, but we ARE in the middle of a game here!" an elf growled. Looking up, I only just noticed that the lights had been turned on and there was another group of elves in the room. Butters turned red as I narrowed my eyes (now that both could actually open). After shooting down a lamp and setting some of the boxes on fire, I used Cup-a-Spell to blow them up, knocking out all of the elves (except one, who I let go after he begged for mercy)

"That's what you get for being mean to people!" Butters said to the remaining elf, a victorious smile on his face. I allowed a small smile of approval as I made my way to the door, only to find it locked.

"Ah, hamburgers! What are we gonna do now?" Butters asked, frustrated. I was about to shrug when I heard someone call me.

"Hey! Douchebag! Up here!" I looked up to see my thief-brother Craig standing at a window that led outside. An arrow was all it took to get Craig inside. The taller boy then climbed in and walked up to the door, stating in his characteristic monotone, "I'll handle this." With the door open, Butters rushed off, spouting a bunch of battle cries, but I hung back. I could tell that Craig wanted to speak to me. Token and Tweek were nowhere in sight.

As silently as ever, Craig looked in the direction that Butters had just run off in, then looked at me, making several familiar gestures to me. My eyes widened and I blushed slightly, looking in the same direction. I then looked back at Craig, closing my eyes and nodding before placing my middle finger over my lips, glaring at the other thief. Craig nodded, a sly smile on his face. A sly look of my own reminded him that he wasn't one to talk, for which he glared at me and climbed back out the window. As I followed after my companion, I felt my face heat up again, not even trying to deny the truth in what Craig had just said.

_I'm falling for Butters._


	9. Attack on Elf!

Once I managed to stagger back into the living room (using the sight tends to leave me drained, especially with this bloody scar), I saw Butters waiting patiently for me. He caught me as I staggered forward, eyes filled with concern.

"Aaaah! Someone, help!" I heard Cartman yell from the kitchen.

"They're beating up the Grand Wizard in the kitchen." Butters informed me, not sounding too concerned. If anything, he seemed much more worried about me. "Are you okay, Douchebag?"

I just nodded, entering the kitchen. Butters stuck close to my side, keeping a firm grip on my arm in case I were to collapse again. There were two elves kicking Cartman, who was lying on the floor, helpless. His staff lay at his side. A third elf "stood guard" nearby (he was actually playing with his phone). I took him out by shooting a light that hung overhead, and Butters defeated the other two in combat. He's gotten much better at fighting since we teamed up.

With the elves out of the way, Butters kneeled at my side, saying, "Your word is my command, my lord. Shall I heal the King, my lord?" He then added hopefully, "Or maybe let him suffer just a little more?"

I smiled at his innocently evil nature (he seems to have a gift of making me smile), raiding the cabinets and fridge before looking around to see if I'd missed anything. When Cartman cleared his throat, reminding us that he was still there, I went over to him and reached for one of his coat pockets.

"Hey! I'm not dead, you can't loot me yet!" he growled at me. I sighed in disappointment, reluctantly commanding Butters to heal the fallen wizard. As Butters held up Cartman's head, the wizard coughed up a red substance. It wasn't blood, but it did leave me wondering just what it was.

"His powers were…too strong…" he wheezed (fake), "The Bard…he's up in one of the rooms." He then poured a packet of ketchup into his mouth, spitting it back up as he coughed again. _Oh_. "They took Princess Kenny! They took her upstairs, I'm sure they're gonna rape her! Don't let them rape Princess Kenny!" Cartman then collapsed to the ground again with a soft "Meh."

Butters turned to me, the worried look reappearing on his face. I nodded, heading out of the kitchen. Butters, still worried about my physical condition, reclaimed my arm, not letting go except to battle or to let me use my arrows. As much as I wanted to assure the little paladin that I was alright, I was still weak and the precaution was probably necessary (he wouldn't even let me fight, which was probably wise).

In the living room, we heard the Bard yell, "The Wizard King is done for! Take out the New Kid while I make contact with the King of Elves!" The other elves cheered with enthusiasm.

Butters looked at me fearfully, gripping my arm more tightly. I placed my hand over his briefly before blowing up the barricades (they should really know better than to leave open flames lying around). The explosions also knocked out some of the elves, which was beneficial.

"Hey! Open the door!" I suddenly heard Tweek yell from outside. There was a barricade in front of the front door, but a Cup-a-Spell on a lamp took care of it. As Token, Tweek, and Craig barged in, destroying the other barriers, we faced off against a powerful elf with a gas mask.

"I'm gonna mess you up, dude." he said, his voice artificially deepened by his gas mask.

"Not if I can help it!" Butters growled, charging at the elf. However, he was intercepted by another elf, who kept him away from the leader. The same thing happened to Craig's group, leaving me to face the lead elf on my own. I growled, taking out my dagger as I prepared for battle.

"That gas mask means that my fart techniques won't work, and an enemy this strong cannot be stunned. At least I can make him bleed." I thought as I lunged at the elf, slashing his side as he tried to dodge. His eyes narrowed as he struck me with his wooden sword, knocking me to the ground. I heard Butters scream my nickname, the distress in his voice evident (an odd combination, someone screaming "Douchebag!" with a distressed tone), but I ignored him, focusing on the battle. I crouched low to the ground, slicing the elf's knees. However, due to my weakened state, I couldn't make the gash deep enough to bring my opponent down. As the elf kicked me down and raised his sword, I held my arm in front of my face, waiting for the finishing blow. But the blow never came. I chanced a glance from behind my arm and saw my opponent lying in front of me, unconscious. Looking up, I saw Butters standing over the fallen elf, his hammer at his side, the look on his face unreadable. I smiled up at him gratefully, trying to stand up, only to fall into his arms again. Knowing that I didn't have the strength to stand, I leaned against him for a minute, not really caring what anyone thought. I felt Butters gulp at the contact, but he didn't pull away. Instead, he pulled me closer and stroked my back, whispering gently, "I got your back, yo."

I opened my eyes again, remembering that I still had a mission to finish (I hate leaving unfinished business), and reluctantly pulled away, shaking as I struggled to get to my feet. Butters had his arm around my waist, trying to support me as best he could. I glanced up the stairs, knowing that I still had to save Kenny. I seriously doubted they'd rape him, but I still didn't like leaving my friends in enemy hands. That's when Token, Tweek, and Craig came running up to us. Their concern was almost as apparent as Butters'. Craig was the first one to speak.

"Oh my god! Are you alright?!" he asked, a worried tone piercing through the usual apathy.

"Oh S-Sweet Jesus! He isn't dying, is he?!" Tweek shrieked, clinging to Craig as he looked at Butters.

"Oh golly, I sure hope not!" Butters replied, sounding close to tears.

Token, being the more mature member of the group, came up to me, his expression one of disciplined calm. He placed his hand on my head, which helped. My head was killing me.

"He hasn't been seriously injured, maybe a bruise or two, but I can tell he's in pain."

I cringed. "He's right." I thought as I tried to regain normal breathing, "The pain in my head and the weakness in my body are normal after-effects of using the sight. Still, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep fighting in this state."

My expression became determined as I stood up on my own (although Butters still wouldn't let go of my arm) and looked at the others. Craig and Butters were the only ones who could read my expression, but they'd translate it for the others. I was going to see this through to the end. _Him_, on the other hand…

"Oh yeah! The Grand Wizard is in the kitchen. He's hurt pretty bad." Butters translated as I pointed to the kitchen.

"Well, my medicine skills are +4, but shouldn't we help you first?" Token asked, still concerned for my safety (and not so concerned about Cartman's). The other three agreed whole-heartedly.

I shook my head, standing up straight and, managing to fight the pain and fatigue, headed upstairs. The healing abilities in this game wouldn't do much for me, not in that condition. Even Butters' assistance earlier was more psychological than actual healing. Cartman wasn't really hurt, so they'd actually be able to do something for him.

Everyone looked on worriedly, but knew better than to argue further. They last thing I needed was to have to fight my own comrades. Craig nodded.

"Very well." he said, sighing in defeat, "Token, Tweek, and I will help the Wizard. You two save the Princess." And with that, he headed for the kitchen, with Tweek and Token close behind. Butters, still unsure of my ability to fight, returned to his place beside me, keeping a steady grip on my arm, which God knows I needed.

Heading upstairs, we heard Kenny's muffled screams, accompanied by the sound of bouncing mattress springs. Butters gasped.

"Listen! They're raping the Princess right now! We have to bust in there!" he yelled, rushing toward the door that the noises were coming from. I followed more slowly, partially because I was still weak, but also because that did not sound like rape. Granted, I'd never heard a rape before, but I had heard my parents having sex before, so I could tell that was not what was going on in that room.

Butters and I finally got the door open and barged in (well, Butters did) to see Kenny tied up and the elven captor…jumping on the bed.

_Rape, huh? _ I looked over at Butters, who was scratching the back of his head, laughing nervously. I rolled my eyes, shooting the leg of a table that was against the wall of the bedroom. Bringing down a light and some shelves as well, I created a path that allowed me to swing onto the bed (being weakened, I couldn't just jump up there, and Butters had to deal with the elf), breaking the bed in the process. Kenny thanked me gratefully (and a bit flirtatiously) as I freed him, leaving the room. As I jumped from the broken bed, I stumbled, causing Butters to grab my arm again.

"Good thing Jimmy's parents are out of town." Butters mumbled as he looked at the damage I had done. When I looked at him oddly, he explained, "Jimmy is the Bard's real name." I nodded in acknowledgement.

As Butters led me out of the room, I saw Cartman at the top of the stairs, along with Craig's gang. Cartman, spotting Kenny, ran over to us after commanding Craig to open the other door, which was where Jimmy was hiding.

"Princess Kenny! How badly did they rape you?" he asked the moment he got to us.

"Oh, they didn't rape me." Kenny replied, shrugging.

"Oh." Cartman said, sounding disappointed. This earned him a glare from Kenny, Butters, and myself. However, before that could escalate, Craig cut in.

"I can't get through! The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob!" he reported, returning to his place at the front of his group. Cartman approached the door and, when he couldn't turn the knob either, banged on the door with his staff.

"You can't hold the doorknob, Bard! That's cheating!" he yelled.

"Yeah I can. I have the Stick of Truth, which means I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay." Jimmy replied from the other side of the door, sounding triumphant.

"Ah! Can he do that?" Cartman cried indignantly.

"He has the Stick of Truth. He can do what he wants." Craig replied matter-of-factly.

"Dammit!" Cartman cried in frustration, trying to turn the doorknob again, "There's got to be another way into this room!"

From my place against Butters, I looked up and noticed an elf hiding in the attic. I smirked and tapped Kenny's shoulder, gaining his attention, and pointed to the elf, activating the Buddy Command.

"Your word is my command, my lord." he said all-too-happily, walking into the elf's sight and pulling down his shirt, showing off his "boobs".

"Oh yeah! Let's see what we got here!" the elf whistled, lowering the ladder he had with him and climbing down, "I'm coming for ya, baby! Oh yeah! Ooooh, those are some big ol' bitties. Man, oh man."

Kenny giggled, just like he did with the ginger hall monitor, and knocked the elf out with his mirror. _How does that keep working?_

Cartman laughed. "Good job. Princess gone wild. Double D buddy power." he said, eating a bag of Cheesy Poofs. I ignored him, nodding my thanks to Kenny and slowly climbing the ladder. Kenny stayed down with the others, seeming to prefer seduction to battle, but Butters insisted on coming with me, earning some mocks from Cartman ("Oooo. Looks like Butters has a new boyfriend. Maybe he'll be the bottom bitch this time."), who was then smacked by Kenny, Token, Tweek, and Craig. I rolled my eyes, not really caring, but I did take note of the fact that Butters, in his embarrassed response to Cartman, was blushing.

The attic was dark, so it was difficult to see, but I knew that there were elves hiding up there. Not wanting a repeat of the last ambush, I prepared to reactivate the sight, just long enough to get a clear image of my surroundings. However, just as my eyes began heating up, Butters slapped me, sending me to the floor. I looked up at him, astonished and a little hurt, but before I could stand up, he pulled me to his chest, tears forming in his eyes.

"Please don't do that again, Douchebag." he whispered, his voice cracking, "I know what you were doing. You were going to do that weird thing with your eyes again! You can't! You still haven't recovered from the last time you did that!" The desperation in his voice was almost overpowering. I nodded, not wanting to upset the distressed blond further. When he was sure that I wasn't going to try to use the sight again, he helped me back to my feet. "I'm sorry, Douchebag. I just don't want you to suffer anymore." he whimpered, looking at me apologetically. I just nodded, letting him know that I understood why he hit me. He smiled and looked at my hand, which I let him hold. Then, once I was sure the matter was settled, I turned back to the task at hand.

Using the light from the candles in the room, I saw that there were two elves in the attic. Due to my weakened state, Butters insisted that I avoid unnecessary battles, so I looked around for another way to defeat them. When I noticed that both elves were standing near a candle (open to the air), I used Cup-a-Spell on it, the blast knocking out the two elves. I leaned on Butters, feeling tired and a little dizzy.

"Golly! Are you okay, Douchebag?" Butters gasped, concerned. I could feel heat radiating from his face and neck. _He's blushing again. I wonder why._ I nodded, my head still on his shoulder. I was getting really dizzy. Another after-effect. Damn that bastard.

After the world stopped doing somersaults, I opened my eyes and looked around, noticing, with the light from the remaining lamp, that there was a heavy-looking suitcase perched precariously on a shelf. Taking out my arrows, I shot a joint in the shelf, causing the suitcase to fall…straight through the floor. Butters gasped, looking around nervously. I just smirked at how well my plan worked.

Jumping down from the ceiling (I would have fallen if it weren't for Butters), I saw Jimmy holding the Stick, gaping at the destruction I had caused. Ignoring him, I ordered Butters to open the door, letting the group waiting outside enter. As they filed in, the Wizard and the Bard faced off…

"You have nowhere to run, Bard! Give us the Stick of Truth!"

"Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King! Step forward now and fulfill your d-d-d-destiny!"

"You are no match for a Grand Wizard!"

"The Stick belongs with us, and I shall use every bardic power in my class to keep it from you!"

"Fine! You wanna throw down, brah?"

…or so I thought.

"Kick his ass, Douchebag!" Cartman commanded me. _What?_

"Who is Douchebag?" Jimmy asked, having never heard my nickname before.

"That's SIR Douchebag to you! And he's about to teach you some manners, Bard!" Cartman replied confidently, stepping aside.

"Why me?" I thought, not looking forward to another battle, "Do I look like a Grand Wizard?" My dizziness was getting worse, too.

"You can't do that, Eric!" Butters cried, standing in front of me protectively, "Douchebag is hurt! He's in no condition to fight!"

"Silence, Paladin! Who are you to question the Grand Wizard?!" Cartman barked back, adding with a smirk, "You're just pissy because you don't want to see your little boyfriend get hurt."

Butters began stammering, his face bright red. I looked at him, wondering if the fatass really spoke the truth. Our eyes met, and he looked away quickly, his eyes shining as he backed away. Surprisingly, before Cartman could continue, Craig came to Butters' rescue.

"He's right, Cartman. Sir Douchebag has been weakened by his previous battles." he said in Butters' defense, as well as my own.

"Y-Yeah! Sir Douchebag has fought almost all the elves here! He deserves a rest! And coffee! Gah!" Tweek added, much to my (and everyone else's) surprise.

"The New Kid can't fight all of your battles, Cartman." Token addressed the Wizard directly (he refuses to use my given nickname), causing Catman to go on an indignant rant that included plenty of swearing and name-calling.

While this was going on, I staggered over to Jimmy and held out my dagger, challenging him myself. No one else noticed, as they were too busy arguing with Cartman (except Butters, who was strangely absent). I remembered what Craig had told me happened to Tweek, courtesy of the Bard, and I was going to make him pay for that.

"So, you challenge me yourself?" Jimmy asked, seeming unsure as to whether or not he should really fight me. Then, remembering what I had done to his comrades in the cellar, he took out his lute, preparing a spell, "Very well. T-Take the Stick from me, if you can!"

"Forgive me, Butters." I thought as I closed my eyes again. It was clear that the only way to defeat the Bard was to use the sight again. Hissing against the agony that accompanied its activation, I opened my eyes, freezing the Bard mid-note.

Taking advantage of the Bard's vulnerability, I lunged at him, slashing his arms. Kneeling, he attempted to play a lullaby to slow me down, but it had no effect. My rage would not be pacified. Narrowing my eyes, I lunged again, knocking him back. Unable to get back up, the Bard held up the Stick in surrender.

"A-Alright! You win! T-Take the Stick!" he cried in defeat. That, everyone heard.

"Alright! Way to go, Douchebag!" Cartman cheered, while everyone else just stared at me in shock and awe. They hadn't seen my eyes glowing red, so they didn't know how I defeated the Bard, just that I had, even in my weakened state.

As Cartman took the Stick back, I staggered backward, swaying back and forth before collapsing as the pain completely overwhelmed me. I barely even noticed that my scar had started bleeding again. Craig and Token caught me, and I vaguely heard Craig order Tweek to find Butters before I passed out, one final thought entering my mind before I blacked out completely.

_I'm sorry._


	10. Butters' Very Own Chapter

"What am I gonna do? Douchebag probably hates me now!" I thought as I lay curled up in the corner of the bathroom. Tears were streaming down my face and I felt like a knife had been driven through my chest. I felt so lost and alone. "Why me? Why does this shit always happen to me?"

My name is Leopold Stotch, but everyone calls me Butters. I'm a paladin who fights alongside the humans to protect the Stick of Truth, which controls the universe. Lately (since today), I've been partnered with a kid who just moved to town. Most people call him Douchebag, which is what the Grand Wizard, Eric, decided to call him. No one knows his real name. He's a thief who was recently recruited to Kupa Keep, and now he's the best warrior we've got. Douchebag and I have gotten really close, even though he's only been here a day, to the point where I can tell what he's thinking just by the energy he gives off (which is convenient, since he never talks). But that's where the problem lies, and it's why I'm in the state I'm in now.

I haven't told anyone this, but I'm actually gay. I try to cover it up by pretending to have interest in girls (I was even a pimp for a time), but I can't deny it. Especially now that I've developed strong romantic feelings for my new comrade.

I've tried to rationalize how I feel. I've told myself that I'm just interested in him because he's new, and that my feelings will fade once I get to know him better. But I know that's a lie. I always want to be with him. I can't keep my hands off him. He hasn't complained yet, at least not out loud, but that's probably because he never talks at all. But now that Eric has started teasing us, I'm sure the New Kid wants nothing to do with me. I know he doesn't like me, nobody does. And that thought is what has me sobbing uncontrollably on the floor.

I stood at the sink, washing my reddened face and eyes. As I was drying off my face with a towel, I heard footsteps outside the door, along with a frantic voice calling my name. A voice I recognized instantly.

"Tweek! What's the matter?" I asked as I opened the door, grabbing the frantic blond as I did so. Tweek and I had always been good friends, since both of us are rejects of Eric's group and we're both sort of outcasts of society. He seemed really upset, but Tweek was really paranoid, especially when Craig wasn't around, so he was probably freaking out over nothing. Still, I needed to calm him down.

"Butters! There you are! Oh, thank god!" Tweek cried once he noticed who had his arm. He then started freaking out again when he saw my face. "Oh my god! A-Are you c-crying?!"

"Oh." I muttered, wiping my eyes, "Yeah, but it's okay. I'm okay. What's got you so freaked out?"

Tweek's eyes widened again. "Oh yeah! You've got to come to Jimmy's room! Now!"

I looked at him oddly. "Why?"

Tweek spazzed. "W-Well, Craig, Token, and I were arguing with Cartman, so we didn't actually see it, but we heard Jimmy yelling, and when we looked, we saw him on the ground, bleeding! And Sir Douchebag was standing over him and he had the Stick!"

I was shocked._ Douchebag actually managed to defeat Jimmy, even in his weakened state?_ "That's amazing." I muttered. _He's amazing._

Tweek spazzed again. "Yeah, that was a good thing, but then…" He trailed off. I got worried.

"What is it? What's wrong?" I asked him. When he remained silent, I grabbed his shoulders, "What happened? Is Douchebag okay?"

Tweek looked around frantically. "Well, we all went to congratulate him, but then he started shaking, and his eyes were losing focus, and then…" He stopped again. Now I was scared.

"What?! Spit it out already!" I was starting to panic.

Tweek finally snapped. "He passed out!"

I froze, searching my friend's face for any signs of deceit. I found none. _Passed out? Why? Did Jimmy injure him that badly? But that's not Jimmy's style. Unless…_ My breath caught in my throat as I looked at Tweek again, asking the question before I choked on it.

"Tweek…" I began, my voice terrifyingly low, "Was the scar on Douchebag's eye bleeding?"

Tweek's eyes widened even further (if that was possible) as he spazzed again. "Gah! Yeah! How'd you know?! Oh god! What if you're psychic?! How am I supposed to deal with a psychic friend?! Oh Jesus!"

My heart almost stopped as I came to a horrible realization. _No…_

Feeling sick to my stomach, I ran to Jimmy's room, Tweek right behind me.

The first thing I saw when we got there was Eric bragging to Jimmy about getting the Stick back. Then I looked to the right and my concern turned to ice-cold fear.

Douchebag was lying on the floor, completely unconscious. Token and Kenny were kneeling at his side, doing everything they could to wake him up. Craig was standing at his head, comforting Tweek, who was freaking out over how "dead" Douchebag looked. And for once, his fears were justified.

Douchebag's face was white as a sheet and his breathing was weak and labored. Other than the slight rise and fall of his chest, he wasn't moving, and he did look dead at a first glance. I walked over to the group, unable to keep myself from trembling.

"Butters! You're back!" Token said when he saw me, sounding relieved, "I need your help. Nothing I do seems to work!" He looked down at the fallen Douchebag, his equipment spread out around him.

I kneeled by my comrade's other side, lifting him so that he was leaning against me. I sent all of the healing energy I had to him, stroking my hand over his scarred left eye, which was still bleeding. "Walk it off, buddy." I whispered, placing a cloth over his eye, "Come on, Douchebag. Wake up. Please?" I whimpered as I started to beg. He wasn't responding. I could feel fresh tears forming at the corners of my eyes again.

"Don't worry, Butters. I'm sure he's gonna be okay." Token tried to assure me. Kenny nodded in agreement. I looked up at them.

"What happened during the battle?" I asked.

Token and Kenny looked at each other guiltily. "Well, we were still arguing with Cartman, and the battle was so quick that it was over before we even realized what had happened. By the time we started paying attention, Jimmy was down, and Douchebag had the Stick of Truth. We all got to him just as he collapsed." Token explained, ashamed that he didn't help Douchebag fight. Kenny kept his eyes on the floor, not willing to look at either Douchebag or myself.

I looked at Jimmy, who was now arguing with Eric. He was covered with cuts and bruises, with two especially deep gashes on his arms. I reluctantly lay Douchebag back on the floor and walked over to them.

"Well, well. Sup, fag?" Eric sneered when he saw me, laughing. I ignored him, turning to Jimmy.

"What happened to Douchebag?" I asked him, ignoring Eric's continued taunts.

Jimmy shuddered. "I-I don't know what happened to him. I couldn't even touch him. One moment he was in f-front of m-me, barely standing, the next he was lunging at me, faster than my eyes could f-f-follow. I don't know why he collapsed, I swear!" he explained, not wanting another fight.

"His eyes." I said softly, "What color were his eyes?"

Jimmy's eyes widened as he thought about my question. "T-They were b-black before we started f-fighting, but then they turned r-r-red, and that's when he attacked!"

My eyes must have looked like dinner plates. _I knew it! He DID use those eyes to fight! _I fought back my tears as I ran back over to Douchebag's side. _Why did he have to use those eyes again? Is this stupid game really that important?!_

"Token, help me lift Douchebag onto my back. I'll carry him back to his house. He won't wake up for a while." I commanded the Healer. He nodded, not really understanding the situation, but not questioning me. I never gave orders to anyone, so the fact that I was ordering him around now meant that this was important. Once my friend was on my back, I headed out of the Inn. Eric tried to order me to return to Kupa Keep, but I just flipped him off, not really caring what he said.

Douchebag broke his promise to not use that weird eye power, and he probably hates me, but that doesn't change that fact that I love him, and I will do everything I can to help him.


	11. Thief and Paladin Unite

"Ugh. My head is pounding." were the first words that entered my head, quickly followed by "Where am I?"

I slowly opened my eyes, shutting them again as I was temporarily blinded by the lights in my room. _Wait, my room?!_

I sat up suddenly, trying to see what was going on, only to collapse onto my bed again, gasping as the pain in my head overwhelmed me.

"Please don't move so suddenly, Douchebag. You're still weak." a familiar voice said softly. My eyes opened again, wider this time. _Butters!_

I looked to my right and, sure enough, there was Butters sitting on the bed next to me. He was wearing a light blue shirt and dark green pants. His paladin outfit was lying in a corner of the room, with my thief outfit next to it. I was in my usual outfit, too. I took another good look at Butters and noticed that he'd been crying.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, placing a hand on my forehead. I grunted, trying to sit up again. Butters helped me, placing some pillows against my back. When I looked up again, I saw that he was glaring at me. I gulped.

"What were you thinking?" he asked me, his expression hurt. I could tell he wanted to yell, but didn't because of my head. "You promised you wouldn't do that eye thing again!"

I looked down, no longer able to look at him. I knew he wouldn't forgive me, but I had no choice. If I hadn't gotten the Stick back, Cartman would not have let it slide. Plus, someone had to put the Bard back in his place. Even though I wasn't looking at Butters, I could feel that he was shaking. I chanced another look at him and instantly regretted it.

He was no longer glaring at me, but instead was staring at his hands, tears falling from his eyes. "You promised." he whimpered, sending a wave of guilt over my being, "Is this game really that important to you?"

I continued to look at my friend, feeling horrible. Then, not knowing what else to do, I reached forward and pulled him into a hug, just like he did after he slapped me. Butters tensed as he fell against my chest, but he didn't struggle and soon relaxed, returning the embrace as he cried into my shoulder.

After a while, just as Butters was starting to calm down, the doorbell rang, and I heard an unfamiliar male voice talking to my dad. I felt Butters stiffen as his arms tightened around me.

"S-Sounds like my dad's here." he muttered, his words muffled in the fabric of my shirt. I growled. I didn't want Butters to leave. Narrowing my eyes, I pulled out my phone and quickly sent out a text message, just as my door flew open to admit my father, followed immediately by a man I didn't recognize, who I assumed to be Butters' father.

"Butters! What do you think you're doing?" the unfamiliar man bellowed. Butters flinched.

"Uh…" he began, but I typed a message and showed it to him.

**Do you like hot chocolate?**

"Uh, yeah?" he whispered, confused. I nodded, holding him tighter as I looked his father directly in the eye, challenging him to take Butters away from me. He was getting nervous, as most people do when I stare at them.

"Butters! I'm talking to you! You've got some explaining to do, young man!" he yelled, trying desperately to regain control of the situation, "Let go of that boy right now! That is not appropriate behavior!"

Butters shuddered, reluctantly pulling away. "Yes sir." he said sadly.

"Don't you "yes sir" me! You are grounded, mister!" Mr. Stotch barked back, "Come on. We're going home. You've caused the Amsels enough trouble."

"Amsel?" Butters asked, turning back to me, "Your last name is Amsel?" I nodded in confirmation.

Butters sighed, moving to get off the bed. I glared at the two men and, in defiance, grabbed Butters and wrapped my arms around him again, making him shiver.

"Uh, Douchebag?" Butters asked me quietly (not doubt he'd be in even bigger trouble if his father heard my nickname).

Both Butters' father and my own looked like they were about to explode. However, before either one could open his mouth, my mother came in, carrying two cups of hot chocolate.

"Hello there. You must be Butters' father. Pleased to meet you." she said pleasantly, as she always did when talking to strangers.

"What are you doing, dear?" my father asked her, "Who is the hot chocolate for?"

"Oh, it's for Sage and Butters." my mom replied, "I got a text from Sage telling me that he and Butters were cold and wanted some hot chocolate." She handed the cups to me and Butters, who was looking at me, his eyes seeming to sparkle.

"That would explain the cuddling." my father mumbled, glaring at the floor. He didn't like it when I out-witted him. My mother then turned to Butters' father.

"Mr. Stotch, I am very grateful to your son." she began, startling him, "My son had gotten hurt while playing, and your son carried him all the way back here. I can't thank him enough." Butters' father was taken aback, not entirely sure how to handle someone praising his son. However, before he, or my father, could respond, she continued, "However, I do have another request." She then turned back to us, speaking to Butters directly, "Sage is still getting used to this town, and he sometimes has trouble sleeping the first night in a new place." Butters looked at me and I nodded, ignoring my father's comment ("cough*bullshit*cough"). She continued, "If you don't mind, I think it would help if you slept over here tonight."

Everyone in the room, minus my mother and I, went wide-eyed at that request. Butters was speechless. He looked at me and I nodded again, looking at him with pleading eyes. He blinked, then turned back to my mom.

"Sure thing, Mrs. Amsel." he said, much to my relief, before addressing his father, "Please, dad?"

Mr. Stotch seemed to think about it before caving. "Alright, fine, Butters. But make sure you don't cause any trouble or you're grounded."

Butters and I smiled happily at each other and went back to drinking the hot chocolate my mom made. After Butters' father left and we finished our drinks, Butters addressed me.

"So your name is Sage Amsel." he said, and I nodded. "So, can I call you Sage instead of Douchebag?" he asked. I nodded again. He smiled again. Then his expression became serious.

"What is that thing you do with your eyes, anyway?" he asked me, looking at me with a strange intensity.

I flinched, staring down at the covers of my bed. _I want to tell him. I really do. But it is forbidden. And even if it weren't, there's no way I could tell him everything. It's too much to type, even on the computer, and writing is out of the question. Unless…_

Butters, taking my silence as a refusal, looked down as well and began stammering, "I-I'm sorry, Sage. I j-just wanted to know. You become really strong whenever you use those eyes, but they hurt you, too. I just want to know if there's something I can do to help you if you ever use them again. I mean, when I saw you lying unconscious after your battle with the Bard, I was so scared. I didn't know what to do. I should have been there to help you. Then maybe you wouldn't have had to use those eyes, and then maybe you wouldn't have passed out, and then maybe-"

"I'm sorry."

Butters looked up suddenly, his eyes like dinner plates and his rambling apology stopping completely. At first, I thought he had stopped breathing, but then he managed to stutter, "W-W-What did you say, Sage?"

I looked up at my friend. My precious friend. The little blond who I loved with all my heart. The friend that I loved enough to let him hear my voice. My real voice.

"I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain." I said, the sincerity in my voice scaring even me.

Butters continued to stare at me, speechless. I looked at him, concerned.

"Butters?" I asked uncertainly, waving my hand in front of his face. Suddenly, he pounced on me, strangling me in his excitement.

"You talked! You really talked! You even said my name!" he cried happily, grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Butters…" I gasped, "Can't…breathe…"

He let go, sitting back and letting me up. "Oh gosh. Sorry, Sage. I just thought I'd never hear you talk." He rubbed his knuckles together nervously.

I nodded in understanding. "I don't usually like to show my voice to people. I have to trust someone completely in order for me to speak with them directly. I haven't even spoken to my dad in years."

Butters' eyes began to shine, and I thought he was going to start crying again.

"Butters? Are you okay?" I asked. I did not want to upset him again. Butters looked up at me and smiled, even as tears streamed down his face.

"You…trust me? You really trust me?" When I nodded, he asked, "So you…don't…hate me?"

I looked at him incredulously. "Hate you? Why on earth would I hate you?"

Butters looked down again, shivering as he whimpered, "Well…everyone hates me. Even my parents. Nobody likes me." His shoulders shook with the cries he was desperately trying to hold in.

Unable to take it anymore, I grabbed the blond's shoulders, forcing him to look at me.

"I don't hate you." I told him, putting all the sincerity I had into those words, "You don't deserve hatred. You have shown me nothing but kindness. I have no reason to hate you." As Butters stared at me in shock, I looked down at the bed, my eyes darkening as my voice lowered. "If anything, you're the one who should hate me."

"What?!" Butters cried, looking at me with wide, disbelieving eyes, "Why would I hate you? You let me hang out with you without bossing me around, you put up with my…inappropriate tendencies, and you let me fight by your side, even though I'm not that good of a fighter."

"You're an excellent fighter, Butters." I said, letting go of his arms so I could cross mine, "Recall how many times you've saved my ass."

"Only because you weakened them, first." he replied.

"So I guess that means we make a good team, each of us needing the other." I concluded.

Butters blinked in temporary confusion. "Uh…yeah, I guess we are!" he said, laughing. I smiled, glad to hear some happiness in my friend's voice again. Once his laughter had subsided, Butters looked at me nervously again.

"But…What about what Eric was saying? All the teasing…"

"Means nothing to me." I replied, leaning closer as I whispered in his ear, "Besides, I think he's just jealous."

As expected, Butters turned bright red, stuttering incoherently. I just smirked at his reaction, finding it cute. After a few moments, he finally managed to say something.

"So, uh…you…don't mind?"

"The teasing? Hell no." I replied dismissively.

"No, not that." Butters said, shaking his head, "You don't mind being called my…my..." he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence.

"Boyfriend?" I finished for him. He nodded, turning red again. _I knew it._

I leaned forward, looking directly into Butters' eyes. "Do YOU mind me being called your boyfriend?" I asked, never breaking eye contact.

Butters turned a shade that was slightly reminiscent of a tomato, and I felt my face heating up slightly as his eyes darted around the room. He stayed like that for a few minutes, so I let go of him, sitting back against the pillows (I still hadn't fully recovered from the day's events). I was about to apologize when I heard Butters mutter under his breath.

"No…"

I looked at him. "What?"

Butters looked up at me, scooting a little bit closer. "I don't mind you being called my boyfriend." he said quietly, "Actually, I wouldn't mind if…if you…"

"Yes?" I asked, urging him to continue.

He swallowed. "I…I wouldn't mind…if…if you were…" he trailed off again, turning a bright scarlet. I looked like he was going to start crying again, so I finished for him.

"If I really was your boyfriend?" I said, guessing.

Butters looked at me with wide eyes, then nodded as he looked back at the bed, tears flowing freely from his sky-colored eyes. I felt like I was having trouble breathing.

"Does that mean you…like me?" I asked, still not entirely willing to believe it. Butters shook his head.

"I-I don't l-like you, S-Sage…" he whimpered. I felt my heart starting to break, until I heard him say the words I had been wanting to hear from him since the battle at the Giggling Donkey.

"I love you!"

I stared at the little blond in complete astonishment. He buried his face in the covers of my bed, openly sobbing with fear of rejection. I smiled with pure joy.

"I'm sorry, Sage! Please don't hate me!" Butters sobbed, curling up on my bed. I crawled over to him and pulled him up by the arms, making him face me.

"Butters." I said gently, calling his attention back to me.

"Y-Yeah?" he sniffled.

"Well, here goes nothing." I thought, placing my hand behind Butters' head. Then, I pulled him forward, kissing him gently on the lips.

Butters' eyes widened, but he didn't pull away. After a few moments, he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around my neck, deepening the kiss. I ran my tongue along his bottom lip, requesting entrance, which he happily granted. As our tongues met, I felt Butters moan into the kiss, pressing himself against me as our tongues danced together. I closed my eyes, feeling, for the first time in my life, complete bliss. However, oxygen deprivation meant that the moment couldn't last forever, and we separated, pressing our foreheads together as we caught our breath.

"I love you too, Butters." I said once I had enough air to form words. Butters looked up at me, his expression so loving that my face turned red just by looking at it. He wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder as he closed his eyes, a contented smile on his face. I returned the loving embrace, leaning back as I rested my head against his.

"So…does this make us a couple now?" Butters asked, looking up at me.

"Only if you want to be." I replied, meeting his gaze, "Do you want us to be a couple?"

"Oh yes!" Butters replied quickly, "By golly, of course I do!" He then let go of me and sat up so that he was facing me. "But first, can I ask you something?" When I nodded, he continued, "Could you tell me what that weird thing you do with your eyes is?"

I looked up at the ceiling, resting my head on the back of my bed. "I wish I could, Butters. I really do. But I can't. It's complicated, but I'm not allowed to reveal where the sight comes from." Butters nodded in understanding, although he looked disappointed, so I continued, "However, I can tell you this."

That caught his attention. "I have always had the sight, ever since I was born, but it didn't always weaken me the way it does now. The cause of that disadvantage…" I pointed to my left eye. "…lies in this scar. And that's a story I can tell you."

Butters leaned forward, showing that I had his full attention.

"It's not a very pleasant story, but it's one I am free to tell whomever I choose."

_And this is how it goes_


	12. Story of the Scar

_Four years ago, when I was only five years old, I was being tracked by the government. Because of a strange ability that I had, one separate from the sight, the government wanted to use me for its own gain. My parents feared for my life, so they kept me in hiding, moving from place to place every few weeks. This went on for roughly a year before _they_ found me. They were part of a government group that specialized in investigating the supernatural. They were charged with searching for me and bringing me to the White House for investigation once I was found. They ambushed me at the hotel that my parents and I were staying at. My parents were out for a quiet evening by themselves, something they didn't get to do very often, and had therefore left me alone. The agents snuck into our hotel room later in the evening, passed my bed time, in hopes of taking me while I was sleeping without making a fuss. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I never slept when there wasn't someone else around, so I was awake when they attacked. I ran out of the room in terror, however, they cornered me at the end of a hallway. The man leading the search approached me, holding a knife in his hand. I didn't understand why they wanted me. All I knew was that these people wanted to take me away and that their leader was threatening me with a knife. He tried to grab me, but I dodged him and ran between his legs, tripping him. I tried to get to the lobby, where there would hopefully be someone who could help me, but I was grabbed by the group's leader before I could reach the stairs. The hotel guards, who had been told by my parents that this could happen, confronted the kidnappers, and the leader put the knife to my throat, threatening to kill me as he made his way to the window they had come in through. As the leader tried to escape, a shootout began. In the commotion, I grabbed a pencil on a table we had passed and thrust it over my right shoulder, driving it through my captor's right eye. It didn't go deep enough to kill him, but it was enough to make him let go. The guards kept me from being taken away, but the lead agent, in his anger, used his knife to slash my left eye, leaving this scar. The hotel guards took me to the hospital and called my parents to let them know what had happened. _

_After the incident, my mother didn't let me out of her sight for six months, and never let me get too far from her for another six months, something my father still hasn't forgiven me for. The scar healed, but it became a hindrance to the sight. For one thing, every time I activate the sight, the scar reopens, which causes blood to get into my eye. Luckily, that usually only happens once I deactivate the sight. However, it also prevents me from controlling my energy as efficiently as I used to, which means that I have to use a lot more energy to maintain the sight. The lack of energy control also means that my body takes a lot more damage than it would otherwise, making the sight much more dangerous to use. Because of this, only use it as a last resort. I've never told anyone about this ability, since it would draw even more attention to myself, and I've definitely never told anyone about this weakness._

_Until now._


	13. Abduction!

As I finished the story of my past, I looked back to Butters. He was looking at me with wide eyes filled with fear, sympathy, astonishment, and rage. I waved my hand in front of his face for the second time that night in an attempt to elicit a reaction.

"Yoo-hoo. Earth to Butters."

Butters continued to stare at me, his eyes shining once more. "All of that…happened to you…and you were only FIVE?!" he asked/exclaimed, his voice cracking at the end. I just nodded. Butters' breath caught in his throat. He reached out hesitantly, toward the left side of my face, unsure of what I would allow. When his hand didn't move, I took hold of his wrist, guiding it to the scar on my eye. Seeming surprised, he gently ran his thumb across the area above my eye, as if trying not to hurt me. He cupped my face in his hands and I leaned into it, closing my eyes, appreciating the gentle touch.

"I-I'm sorry, Sage." Butters said, moving his thumb to the area below my eye. I looked at him in confusion.

"What are you sorry for, Butters?" I asked him, "None of this is your fault."

A tear ran down his face as he scooted closer to me. "I'm sorry…that you had to go through all that. And that I made you relive it." His breath caught again and he had to stop talking. His hand fell from my face and I caught it, pulling him into an embrace.

"I relive those memories every time I see this scar, every time the sight activates, and every time I go to sleep. Telling you of my past has not increased my pain. In fact, it has lessened it." I told him.

Butters looked up at me, wiping the tears from his eyes. "R-Really?" he asked, sniffling. I smiled, gently pressing my lips to his.

"Would I lie to you?" I asked when we separated.

Butters laughed. "That's so cliché."

"There's a reason people use them so much." I replied, "They work."

Butters nodded happily, resting his forehead against mine.

"So…are we a couple now?" I asked him, slightly nervous.

Butters opened his eyes and looked around, humming to himself in feigned contemplation, before reconnecting our lips.

"What do you think?" he whispered into the kiss. I smiled.

"I think I'm not the only one using clichés." I muttered in reply. He just laughed, kissing me again.

As we pulled away, I collapsed onto the bed, breathing hard.

"Are you okay, Sage?" Butters asked, suddenly concerned.

"I'm fine. Just tired." I replied, yawning, "Today's been strenuous, and I haven't spoken this much in years."

Butters smiled and nodded, curling up next to me and pulling the covers over both of us. He also turned off the lamp that had been the only source of light for much of the conversation (we'd changed into our pajamas while I recounted my past).

"Goodnight, Sage." Butters said happily, draping an arm over my waist and resting his head against my chest.

"Goodnight, Butters." I whispered, wrapping my arms around my new boyfriend and holding him close, my nose buried in his soft golden hair, inhaling his scent with every breath. Happier than I had been in years, I drifted off into a peaceful sleep, looking forward to another day in South Park. Unfortunately, the peace didn't last long.

Somewhere around one in the morning, a bright blue light filled my room, waking me instantly. I looked at Butters. He was still asleep. I then looked around, trying to find the source of the blue light. Suddenly, my bedroom door began to open and a skinny gray figure appeared in the doorway.

I leaned over Butters, making it clear to the figure that I wasn't going to let it take him. However, it made no move to take Butters. Instead, it grabbed me by the arm and lifted me, along with itself, with a beam of light, leaving Butters undisturbed. The gray figure and I were beamed up to…a spaceship?! _Holy shit! I'm being abducted by aliens!_

As I was being brought on board the ship, we passed by several tables where different men were having metal things shoved up their butts in a way that seemed to mimic anal sex (one of the men seemed to be enjoying it). The gray figures dragged me to an empty table and strapped me to it, pulling my pajama bottoms down. _Oh, come on. I'm REALLY not in the mood._

As they inserted one of the metal things into my ass, I clenched my sphincter tightly, unleashing a powerful Dragonshout that destroyed the metal thing. The aliens, seeming frustrated, summoned a large black metal thing to replace the one I had destroyed. This one was much stronger, and as it began to slip in, I panicked and unleashed an even more powerful Dragonshout that destroyed not only the metal thing, but the whole machine. The aliens fled, and the portion of the metal thing that wasn't destroyed implanted itself in my anus, out of the way of the main passage. After a little test, I realized that I could control it using my sphincter muscles.

"Is this your first time getting probed?" a voice said from beside me. I looked to see a middle-aged man with black hair and a mustache. He was strapped to a table as well, with a small metal thing (a probe) behind him, although it was currently inactive.

"Yeah, it's a pain. But this is the kind of stuff you put up with living in a remote little mountain town. At least we don't have to deal with traffic!" he said, smiling. _Every cloud has a silver lining, I suppose._

He then took another look at me and his eyes widened. "Hey, you broke free! Kid, you must have incredible control over your asshole! Get me loose, too!" he cried, struggling half-heartedly against his bonds.

I jumped off the table, only to find that it was surrounded by a barrier. I looked around and noticed a metal rod with a blue antennae sticking out of it. I could feel the alien probe in my ass reacting to it, so I activated the probe, using my sphincter muscles to make the small satellite dish (the probe) react with the antennae. Next thing I knew, I was on the other side of the barrier.

"Hey, look at that!" the man cried, "Looks like you've broken off part of the probe and now you can control it with your sphincter muscles!" The man looked around him. "I'm surrounded by some kind of force field. Go find a way to shut it off!" I looked at him and nodded in acknowledgement before walking out into the hallway. After knocking out several aliens with an alien gun I stole, I found the Control room, where I battled against the head of alien security. After defeating him, I deactivated the force field and freed the man (I soon learned that his name was "Randy"). He offered to show me how to get back to Earth, but I declined, telling him (via typing) to free the other captives and then leave.

I may have neglected to mention this, but I have a very vengeful nature. I was going to make these aliens pay for interrupting my much-needed sleep (and for sodomizing me, can't forget that). Making my way to the cockpit, I knocked out the two pilots and set the ship on a collision course with Earth. I aimed for the shopping center in South Park, since there was a large uninhabited area right around it, so no one would get hurt. I then found a button that would beam me back down to Earth and, after checking the cameras to make sure everyone had gotten off safely, I was enveloped in a bright blue light, just like the one that had brought me up to the ship. When the light faded, I was back in my room.

Butters was still asleep, but he looked like he was reaching for something, and was upset when he couldn't find it. I smiled. I knew what he was looking for. I yawned, stashing the alien gun that I had stolen in my toy chest, and crawled back into bed next to Butters, who wrapped his arms around me the moment I got settled. I looked at the clock. 2:00a.m. _Good, I can still get a few good hours of sleep._ I looked at Butters. He seemed much happier now. I gently stroked his hair, placing a kiss on his forehead, which elicited a soft moan from the boy as he snuggled closer to me. I smiled and relaxed, closing my eyes and drifting off into a peaceful slumber once more.


	14. Meeting with the King of Elves

I woke to a bright light hitting my eyelids. My first thought was that the aliens were trying to take me again, but when I opened my eyes they were met with sunlight. I looked at the clock. 9:00a.m. That created some confusion.

_Isn't it a weekday? Shouldn't there be school today?_ I looked at my phone to see a text from my mom.

**No school today due to earthquakes. Butters' parents brought over his clothes. I'm glad you finally found someone to talk to.**

I smiled. _Figures my mom would notice my talking. She really is too good for my dad._ My mother is the only other person I can talk to. I have a very close bond with her.

I looked down at Butters, who was still sleeping peacefully next to me. I closed my eyes, trying to gauge how much I had recovered from using the sight yesterday.

_Hm. My head doesn't hurt anymore, and I don't feel weak. My vision isn't blurry, and I can move my body and focus my eyes with no trouble._ I smiled to myself. _This is good. Despite the alien abduction, I still managed to recover almost completely. I should still be careful, though._ My train of thought was suddenly derailed when I heard a tired mumble from the little blond next to me.

"Sage…" I opened my eyes to see Butters staring at me with half-closed eyes, just waking up. When our eyes met, he smiled and pressed his forehead to mine. "How are you feeling?"

I smiled back. "I feel much better. Thank you for everything." I said, placing my lips to his forehead. Butters turned bright red at the affectionate gesture, but there was a happy smile on his face.

"I'm glad, Sage. So, do you want to play with us after school?" he asked me hopefully.

"No school today. There was an earthquake last night and school's been cancelled until further notice because of it." I replied.

Butters' eyes widened. "E-E-Earthquake?!" he cried.

"Yes, but don't worry. No one got hurt." I assured him, already knowing what his fear was. He sighed with relief, resting his head against mine once more.

"So, shall we join the other humans?" I asked the blond, removing the covers from both of us. Butters grumbled, hugging me tighter and burying his face in the crook of my neck, mumbling something about "cold" and "bright". At my urging, he finally let go, and I jumped off the bed, with Butters crawling after me.

Just as my mother had said, Butters' clothes were sitting outside my door. After we got changed and put our costumes on, we prepared to head out. However, before that…

"Butters." I said, catching the paladin's attention, "Around the others, I must ask that you refer to me by my designated nickname."

Butters looked at me, confused. "You…want me to call you Douchebag?" he asked. I nodded. "Why?"

"Like my voice, my name is only revealed to people I trust. Of course, I can't keep it hidden once school starts back, but until then…"

"…okay…" Butters mumbled, clearly not fond of the idea, "But when we're alone…?"

"You may call me whatever you want while we're alone. Also, I won't be talking like this in public, so you're going to have to translate for me again." I smiled at that last part. Butters smiled, too.

"Oh gosh, Sage. I'd love to!" he said before clearing his throat, "I mean." He knelt in front of me. "Your word is my command, my lord."

I nodded, walking to the front door, with Butters right behind me. However, right as I opened the door, who else would come barging in but Mr. Grand Wizard himself.

"Oh…my god!" he cried, not even waiting for permission to enter, "They came out of nowhere! There was a huge earthquake and then, and then there was burning in my yard!"

"Woah! Calm down, Eric!" Butters said to the rambling fatass.

"But didn't you guys hear about it?" Cartman continued, "It's all over the news! Here, look!" he said, grabbing the remote from my table and turning on the television. Immediately, images of burning fields appeared on the screen.

"…and that a large earthquake and several fires in the South Park area last night woke many from their sleep. Here with a report is a midget in a bikini." the news anchor said before the screen cut to a midget wearing a pink bikini and holding a microphone.

"Tom, government workers here are assuring everyone nothing out of the ordinary has happened. They claim that the only reason huge tents have gone up to cover this area is to mask the construction of a new Taco Bell, which will open sometime later this month." All the while, in the background, was the UFO I had crashed last night. I had known that the government was going to try to cover it up, but I had thought they'd try a little bit harder to do so. The tactic they were using, however, seemed to be working.

"Thanks, midget. I do love me some Taco Bell." the news anchor, Tom, said, "The mayor of South Park states that last night's tremors and fires are under control and that hopefully schools and businesses can open again soon."

I couldn't help but stare in awe at the stupidity of the news people in this town. Those tents didn't even come close to covering the UFO. It could still clearly be seen by anyone. I was snapped out of my thoughts when Cartman spoke again.

"It's horrible! You don't understand! The elves…they took the Stick!" he cried, slamming his staff on the floor, "And it's bullshit, because that's totally cheating! We specifically said no trying to take the Stick at night! Elves are dirty little liars, and we have to lay waste to their entire base!"

"Hey, calm down, Eric." Butters said again, "Are you sure the elves-"

"Not now, Butters." Cartman cut him off, before doing a double-take, "Butters? What are you doing here?"

Butters drew back. "Well S- I mean, Douchebag was hurt bad during the raid yesterday, so his parents asked me to stay here to help him." Butters stuttered, turning red at almost giving away my name. Cartman, however, didn't notice, and thought the blush meant something else entirely.

"Oooooh. I see. You "helped" him, huh? Heh heh heh." He laughed, grinning knowingly, "I guess the elves aren't the only ones with a pair of Super Best Butt-Buddies anymore." He then addressed me again before Butters could respond.

"You have an incredible ability to make friends quickly, Sir Douchebag. I'm sending you out into the lands of Zaron to recruit a whole other faction to Kupa Keep. Find the Goth Kids, and give them this letter. Get them to join our kingdom and we shall lay waste to the drow elves once and for all!" he commanded me, walking back out the door while muttering, "Fucking cheaters."

"Goodbye, fatass" I thought as I closed the door and turned to Butters. My eyes widened when I saw him sitting on the couch, crying.

"What's wrong, Butters?" I asked him quietly, standing in front of him. He looked at me, his eyes clouded by tears.

"I-I'm sorry, S-Sage." he sobbed.

I tilted my head. "No need to apologize. I expected you to accidentally call me by my name at least a few times. You can't get it right all the time." I assured him.

"Not about that!" Butters yelled, causing me to step back, "Because I was here, everyone's gonna think we're having sex! And then, you're gonna hate me, and then-"

I pressed my lips to his, cutting off his paranoid rant and silencing his cries. He closed his eyes and pulled me closer in response. Once I felt his sobs fade, I released his mouth, although I didn't pull away completely.

"I already told you, teasing doesn't bother me." I told him, looking straight into his shimmering eyes, "Besides, once they find out we're dating, or perhaps even before, they're gonna start spreading those kinds of rumors anyway. Don't let them get to you."

Butters nodded and wiped his eyes, sniffling.

"And by the way, I know you and Tweek are really good friends, which is good, but you really shouldn't follow his example that much." I added, winking. When Butters looked at me in confusion, I explained, "That rant sounded a lot like something Tweek would come up with."

Butters thought for a moment, then his eyes widened in realization and he burst out laughing. I smiled, glad that I got him to smile. Wiping away the last of his tears, I offered him my hand, which he gladly took.

"Now, let's go find these "Goth Kids" and take back the Stick of Truth." I said, leading Butters to the door.

Butters nodded, although he didn't seem to like the idea of finding the Goths. "The Goth Kids usually hang out behind the school." he told me, "They just sit there all day, smoking and drinking coffee and just being miserable."

"Greeeeeeat." I thought sarcastically as Butters and I headed for the school. Once we got there, Butters directed me to a gate to the right of the school that led to the back. There, I came across four kids, three of them around my age and one that appeared to be a few years younger. They were dressed completely in black, and one of them had red dye in his hair. They were all wearing black eyeliner and were smoking cigarettes. _So these are the Goth Kids._

"Who's that?" the guy with the red in his hair asked when I approached. Butters stayed back at the front of the school, not wanting to be anywhere near the Goth group.

"I think it's that new kid people are talking about." a girl, the only girl in the group, replied.

"Beat it, New Kid. This area is strictly for Goth Kids." The tallest, and oldest, member of the group commanded me. He was likely the leader.

I took out the letter that Cartman had given me to give to the Goth Kids and handed it to the kid nearest to me. He took a look at it before passing it around to the others, ending with the tallest member, who looked at it more closely.

"What's this?" he asked, looking at the letter and reading it aloud, "Join the Kingdom of Kupa Keep to battle the wicked elves. All recruits welcome." He then crumpled it up and threw it away, addressing me in a bored drawl, "Sorry, Frodo. We don't play Dungeons &amp; Douchebags."

"Yeah, beat it, New Kid." the guy nearest to me added, flipping his dyed hair out of his eyes. _Yep. Definitely the leader._

The youngest member then spoke up. "Aw, come on! Let's do it! We never do anything!"

"No way!" the leader exclaimed, "We can't do what this kid asks us to. He's a conformist. Look at his clothes and his hair!"

I raised an eyebrow, although not enough for them to see. _My hair looks more like yours than most people's, and I'm walking around in a thief costume. That doesn't seem very conformist to me._

The guy with the red in his hair addressed me again. "Yeah, tell you what, New Kid. Get the right clothes and some cigarettes and coffee and then talk to us again."

"Yeah, if you want to prove that you aren't a conformist, then you have to look EXACTLY like we do. Then, maybe, we'll consider hanging out with you." the leader added, shooing me away.

_But then wouldn't I be conforming to YOUR ideals?_ I glared at them, again unseen, before turning around and returning to the front of the school, where Butters was waiting for me.

"So? How'd it go?" he asked me. I pointed to my clothes, then in the direction of the Goth Kids' hangout. Butters' eyes widened. "Y-You have to dress like a Goth Kid?!" I nodded, before acting like I was holding a mug while I put my middle and index finger to my lips. Butters gasped. "AND you have to get cigarettes and coffee?!" he finished, looking horrified. I nodded again, then patted his shoulder, assuring him that I wouldn't actually turn into a Goth Kid. He sighed with relief.

According to Butters, I could get cigarettes from a group of sixth graders next to Jimbo's Guns. After that, we bought Goth clothes from a homeless guy (I didn't ask) and black eyeliner from Tom's Rhinoplasty. Since my hair already looked like a Goth's, all I had to do was re-style it slightly (Butters had fun with that). We then headed for Tweeks Bros, chatting briefly with Tweek and Craig, who were working in the back (or, rather, Tweek and Butters chatted while Craig and I silently communicated with one another). Butters, after checking briefly with me, confessed to the other two that he and I were together, to which both of the other boys were happy (and more than a little bit envious) to hear. After they left, we bought some coffee from Tweek's father and headed back out, only to find ourselves surrounded by elves.

"There he is!" one of the elves called as the group gathered around us.

"New Kid!" another elf approached me cautiously, holding a hammer out in front of him, "The Elf King has requested your presence. You can either come quietly, or you can fight, but I'm warning you, fighting this battle at this point in the game is a complete waste of time, and you might as well skip it and just come with us."

I glared at the elves, taking my battle stance. I recognized many of these elves; I had faced them in battle before, and won easily. The lead elf narrowed his eyes in annoyance.

"We thought you might try that." he said, snapping his fingers. At that signal, two of the elves grabbed Butters, one of them holding a knife to his throat. My eyes widened. _Butters!_

"Now, I'll say this one more time." the lead elf said again, more confidently this time, "Either you can come quietly, or you can fight. But if you choose to fight, you'll be alone, and I can't guarantee the paladin's safety."

"Don't do it, Douchebag!" Butters yelled. I looked at him sadly. _I can't let you get hurt._ I put my dagger away and held up my now-empty hands.

"You chose wisely, New Kid." one of the elves said as he tied my hands behind my back, "Now come with us!"

I didn't move, glaring at the two elves that were holding Butters. The lead elf sighed.

"Let him go." he commanded, and the other two elves obeyed, releasing Butters. Butters attempted to grab his hammer, but I stepped forward, shaking my head.

"D-Douchebag…" Butters whimpered, looking at me worriedly. I smiled reassuringly, although only Butters could tell, and then turned back to the elves, allowing myself to be led away. Behind me, I could hear Butters running in the opposite direction, towards Kupa Keep.

After about 10 minutes of walking, we entered a greenish-gray house that was surprisingly near Catman's. In fact, it was only one house away. As I entered the backyard, I was immediately surrounded by a line of elves on both sides. They were all glaring at me, which I didn't find surprising at all. One of my captors held a spear to my back, forcing me to walk down the aisle that the elves had created. One of the elves was playing a marching band beat as I approached a platform at the end of the aisle. There were three elves on the platform. One of them was sitting on a throne, a crown of twigs attached to a green hat on his head and a red robe with golden patterns covering an orange jacket. To his side stood two other elves. One of the elves had poofy blond hair and a brown scarf. He didn't interest me. I then looked to my left and my eyes narrowed. That elf was wearing a blue armored helmet with a brownish-gray diamond in the middle of his forehead and a red feather at the top. He also wore a dark green cape and had a metallic broadsword at his side. Our eyes locked for a moment and flashed briefly in recognition. I then turned my attention back to the elf who was sitting on the throne, whom was undoubtedly the King of Elves.

"So, you're the New Kid everyone is talking about." he said, addressing me, "What's your name?" I remained silent.

The elf behind me spoke up. "He doesn't talk, Elf King. He thinks he's hot shit or something." I smirked. _I AM hot shit._

The Elf King and the elf with the blue helmet exchanged glances. Then, the Elf King got up and walked down the platform's steps to face me. The elf with the blue helmet stiffened.

"You're playing for the wrong side, dude!" he yelled in my face before walking past me, his hands behind his back, "What did Wizard Fatass tell you? That we broke the rules last night and took the Stick? He's lying!" The Elf King's hatred for Cartman was obvious.

"Cartman is the one you should be fighting against!" the elf with the blue helmet added, although he was being far more cautious with his tone, "He's hiding the Stick-which is cheating- and is acting all sad and betrayed so that you will recruit more people for him."

The Elf King turned back to me. "We tracked a Twitter raven who says you are currently trying to recruit the Goths for the Wizard." he said, "Go recruit them, but bring them to us! Then we can ransack Cartman's stupid kingdom and get the Stick back once and for all!" He then untied me and turned to the elf with the blue helmet (who I'm certain is his right-hand man).

"Ranger! Give the New Kid his weapons!" he commanded.

The Ranger looked unsure about his King's orders, but he nodded anyway, saluting, "As you wish, Elf King!" He brought me my daggers and bow, and as he handed them to me, we locked gazes again. Our eyes flashed again, unnoticed by the other elves, and we both nodded slightly in agreement. We both knew what had to be done.

The Ranger then returned to the Elf King's side, and the Elf King growled viciously, "And kid. If you betray us, we'll tell everyone you're a butthole!"

I narrowed my eyes, readying my dagger. Then, when the Elf King's back was turned and the elves started to disperse, I lunged.

"Kyle! Look out!" the Ranger yelled, jumping in front of him and blocking my strike.

"Stan!" the Elf King cried in shock, pulling out a golf club and commanding, "Elves! Attack!"

The elves gathered around us, but they didn't attack for fear of accidentally attacking the King's second-in-command. The Ranger glared at me, his right arm straining against my attack. He then raised his left arm, holding out his middle and index finger, and I did the same. We glared at each other, our eyes changing color faster than the elves could see.

_Dragonborn._ The Ranger's voice echoed in my head as a pair of bright violet eyes stared into mine.

_Prophet Hubbarb._ I thought back, my crimson eyes glowing brightly as we both thrust our arms forward, pressing our fingers to the each other's foreheads. As we flew backward from the simultaneous blows, both losing consciousness, we thought, in unison.

_See you on the other side._


	15. Meeting of Messengers

As I opened my eyes, the first things I saw were stars. I sat up and looked around. I was surrounded by stars, planets, and even galaxies on all sides. I stood up and noticed that I was standing on a rocky platform. I closed my eyes, knowing instantly where I was. _The Intermediate Realm._

The Intermediate Realm is a dimension in between the Mortal Realm and the various spirit realms. It is a place where beings with powerful spirits come to converse in secret. Most of the time, this occurs when prophets (also known as messengers) of different religions or beliefs meet to discuss the actions of their followers. This is one such meeting.

Summoning a mirror, I saw that my Elven Ranger outfit was gone. Instead, I was wearing a crown of yellow flowers and a white toga with a golden rope acting as a belt. I sighed. This outfit did not hold good memories for me, but I guess it can't be helped.

**Stanley Marsh.**

I heard a powerful voice echo in my head, calling my name. I spoke back, knowing exactly who it was.

"Hello, Sage Amsel." I said calmly, turning to the source of the voice. _How typical of him. Even in this realm, he still doesn't speak out loud._

Across from me, on another floating platform, sat a dragon. He was a typical European dragon, with four legs and two wings. His scales were jet black, the color of obsidian, and he was staring at me with a pair of glowing crimson eyes. He was sitting in a crouched position with his spade-shaped head lowered over his chest. His tail was curled around him so that the arrowhead tip was pointed at me and his wings were held above him, extended halfway. The long, dark blue talons on his paws were kneading the platform underneath him, crumbling the rock, although it just kept reforming. I never thought I would have the privilege of meeting such a powerful being in this life. This was the rarest of messengers. The Spirit of a Dragonborn.

Dragonborns are one of the most misunderstood of all the spiritual beings. Even though they look like demons that would serve the devil, they are actually a rare group of angels. They are sent to the Mortal Realm once every thousand years or so to watch over the creatures that inhabit it. Dragonborns have several defining characteristics. First of all, they always desire to help others, and they don't like keeping people as enemies. They also don't usually reveal much about themselves, preferring to stay out of the spotlight. However, they also have the ability to make friends quickly and easily, drawing them into the very spotlight they despise. That ability does, however, make them an effective tool of unification. Having a Dragonborn as an enemy is very dangerous, since you might as well have the whole world as an enemy, but having one as an ally can make almost anything possible, since it would mean having the whole world as an ally.

**What is funny?**

"Oh nothing." I replied, laughing, "Just that you look like a cat."

It was true. The way he was sitting, the way his tail twitched slightly, even the way his claws dug into the platform he sat on. All of it made him look like a cat. He snorted.

**Now is not the time to be fooling around, L. Ron Hubbarb.**

That stopped my laughter immediately. I did NOT like being called by the name of my former incarnation. I may not have mentioned this, but those Scientologist guys were right. I really am the founder and prophet of Scientology. That's why I have the power to come to this realm.

"You are right, Dragonborn." I agreed, emphasizing his title. I knew he didn't like it any more than I liked mine. His title carried horrible memories. I felt a little bad for using it, knowing what it carried. Then again, I still haven't gotten Tom Cruise out of my closet, so I guess we're even.

**Your King was speaking the truth.**

I looked up, startled. That had come out of nowhere. "What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

**I cannot sense anything suggesting a lie in your spirit, and your bond with Kyle makes it so that I can see parts of his soul through yours. You do not have the Stick.**

"What are you talking about?" I asked, slightly offended, "Of course we don't have the Stick. I already told you that Cartman-"

**Doesn't have it, either.**

I looked at Sage with a mixture of shock and confusion. "What? How do you know?" I demanded.

**It's obvious when he lies. He can't keep a grin off his face.**

I was taken aback. _Woah. He's really observant. Then again, I guess I shouldn't expect anything less from a Dragonborn. _

"Ok, then. If neither the elves nor the humans have the Stick, then who does?" I asked, getting frustrated.

**I don't know. But I do know how to find out.**

"Really?"

**Yes. A Twitter message will be sent stating that both kings have hidden the Stick in their desks. The message will be sent anonymously in such a way that it will be easy for both kingdoms to see it. An immense battle will take place at the school. I believe all will be made clear then.**

"I see." I muttered after hearing Sage's explanation, looking into the river that represented time (which we were out of) and seeing it for myself. The result of the battle, however, was unclear. "And who will you fight for?"

**Both.**

"That's not possible. You have to pick a side." I informed him.

**Yes, it is, and no, I don't. I know what I will do, and I am willing to tell you as well.**

"Alrighty then. Spill." I said impatiently. Time does not exist in the Intermediate Realm, so no matter how long we stay here, it'll only seem like a few minutes to the Mortal Realm (which was how long we planned to leave our physical bodies unconscious), but I still wanted to see Kyle again. He was probably worrying himself sick.

**When are you going to tell people about your relationship?**

I looked up at the glowing red eyes that were looking down at me curiously. I smiled knowingly. "I don't know. When are you going to tell people about yours?" I asked. He just snorted again.

**Whenever my partner is ready. Tweek and Craig already know.**

"Your answer is as good as mine." I stated, looking at him and raising an eyebrow, "Damn, you work fast."

**A Dragonborn's life has never been slow.**

My gaze softened at the sorrow in the angel's mental voice, jumping over to his platform and placing a hand on his side in an offer of friendship, which I felt him accept. "Now come on. Tell me. What's your plan?"

**It's quite simple, actually. Here's what we're going to do…**


	16. Nazi Zombies

As I returned to my body, the first thing my mind registered was shouting. I also heard the sound of weapons colliding and the pained grunts as bodies hit the ground. As I opened my eyes, I saw four elves standing around me, as if to protect me, although I seriously doubted that. I recognized several of the voices as belonging to human warriors.

_Sounds like the rescue team's here._

I tried to sit up, but two of the elves turned their weapons on me, glaring at me with an intensely vengeful ferocity. I was expecting that, however, and lay my weapons, which were still with me for some reason, at my side and lifted my hands, looking over at the Elf King's platform.

The Elf King, Kyle, was alternating commanding his army and trying to wake up Stan. He looked genuinely concerned for the Ranger's well-being, and was genuinely furious with me for harming his precious partner. I then looked around the rest of the kingdom, trying to assess the situation as best I could. I saw Craig, Tweek, and Token trying to fend off the elves, trying to clear a path to where I was. Kenny and Scott were doing the same thing at the other end of the yard. Although I couldn't see him, I heard Cartman giving orders from the back. Then, above all of the rest of the commotion, I heard an enraged scream cut through the chaos.

_Butters!_

I looked toward the source of the scream and, sure enough, there was Butters, charging through the opposing army, knocking out anyone who got in his way. When he spotted me, his eyes widened, then narrowed in anger. He charged toward the group surrounding me, knocking out the two that were facing him. With the other two guards distracted by Butters' attack, I grabbed their heads and knocked them together, bringing both of them down. I picked up my weapons as Butters took out the last of the elves.

"Sage! You're alright!" he cried, hugging me. I hugged back, and when we separated, he grabbed my arm, pulling me toward the door. "Come on! We have to get out of here!"

I nodded, following Butters and the other humans as we fled the Elven Forest. Before I could get out, however, I felt two elves grab me.

"You're not going anywhere, New Kid!" they growled, pulling me back into the yard. As the humans prepared to fight back, another voice commanded.

"Let him go!"

The yard went silent as everyone, human and elf, turned to the Elf King's platform, where Stan Marsh was sitting against the King's throne. He was looking directly at me with a determined glare.

"Let him go!" the Ranger repeated, scanning the kingdom before his gaze settled on Kyle, "There's nothing more we can do with him. We'd only be putting ourselves at risk by trying to keep him longer."

Kyle looked at Stan, obviously not wanting to let me go so easily, but he understood that the Ranger spoke the truth and nodded, turning back to his army.

"Release him!" he commanded, holding out his golf club staff. The elves, still glaring at me, reluctantly let go, and I took off with the humans. Stan would take care of his part of the plan.

Meanwhile, the humans returned to Kupa Keep. Everyone gathered around me, asking me if I was alright. Tweek was imagining all of the horrible things the elves might have done to me, which eventually ended with him freaking out about how badly I was gang-raped and what would have happened if the humans hadn't rescued me before my execution. At that point, Craig put his arm around Tweek, assuring him that I wasn't gang-raped and that I wasn't going to be executed, before turning to me and asking for confirmation. Token checked for and treated any injuries that I had sustained while Scott congratulated me on holding my own against the entire elf army, especially the King. Kenny complimented me on my "bravery" while batting his eyelashes at me in a playfully flirtatious manner. Butters hadn't let go of my arm since we escaped, and was now clinging to it as if I would be taken the moment he let go.

"Okay, okay, that's enough!" Cartman yelled impatiently, waving everyone away from me (except Butters, who wouldn't have moved if a sword were driven between us), "Sir Douchebag, did you learn anything about the location of the Stick?"

I pulled out my phone, typing out what I had been told while I was still conscious, and handed it to Butters, who proceeded to read it out loud to the others.

"The elves claim that the Grand Wizard is hiding the Stick and is pretending that it's been stolen so that I will recruit more people for him." he read, eyes widening with every word, "They attempted to recruit me to their side so that I would bring the Goth Kids to them. They have threatened my social standing if I refuse." He then looked at me, eyes wide with a mixture of fear and awe, fear that I would join the elves and awe that I could stand up to that kind of information without backing down. Everyone else looked at me in concern. Cartman, the only one who wasn't staring at me, was instead glaring at the ground. He was fuming.

"THOSE DIRTY LYING CHEATERS!" he screamed, turning red with rage, "So, they think they can hide the Stick AND steal one of the members of MY kingdom, do they? Well, fine! We'll just have to destroy their entire base until we have the Stick. We'll bring it to the ground."

"But we just attacked their base." Craig interjected, "And we just barely lasted long enough to rescue one of our own warriors. And he came with us willingly."

Cartman paused in his rant and looked at Craig with an "are-you-fucking-kidding-me" look on his face. "Craig, don't be such a Negative Nancy." he said. He then turned to me, ignoring Craig's glare, and commanded, "Hurry up and get the Goth Kids to join us so we can get the Stick back from those bastard elves!"

I nodded, heading for the door. However, I stopped when I realized that Butters wasn't following me. I looked back at him. He was keeping his gaze fixed on the ground, kicking at the grass. The guilt on his face was unmistakable. I sighed, walking over to him. As I stepped in front of him, he flinched, looking at me with sad puppy-dog eyes. _Damn he's cute._ I jerked my thumb in the direction of the door, telling him to come with me. He looked up at me, shocked.

"You…you want me to fight with you?" he asked, "Even though I'm the reason you were captured in the first place?" I glared at him when he placed the blame for my capture on himself, but I nodded in response to the question. Butters smiled. "Well okay! This Paladin is ready to kick some ass!" I allowed a small smile at the return of his usual spirit and headed for the door again, with my boyfriend at my side once more. Once we got to the school, I began putting on the Goth clothes.

"Do we really need the Goth Kids to join us?" Butters asked, still not keen on the idea. I simply nodded, silently asking him if I looked okay. "You look like a Goth." he replied with a disgusted growl. When I looked at him sadly, he relented, "But I guess it doesn't look too bad on you." I smiled slightly, squeezing his hand before heading back to the Goth's hangout.

"Oh look. It's Butthole the Barbarian from the Dungeons of Dumbass." the leader said when he saw me.

"You gotta admit that he looks better." the guy with the red hair said approvingly.

"Yeah. He's almost a Goth." the girl agreed.

"Being a Goth isn't just how you dress." the leader said matter-of-factly, "It's a frame of mind. It's time for you to prove that you go against society's rules."

_And walking around dressed like a thief beating people up and taking their stuff doesn't go against society's rules? Oh, and I'm nine and have a boyfriend. I don't think society is still entirely cool with gays yet, especially young ones."_

"There's a big PTA meeting happening right now at the Community Center." the leader was explaining, "You need to walk right into the middle of that meeting and tape this sign to their table." He then handed me a sign had "Fuck the Conformists" written on it in big black letters.

"Yeah, that will prove your individuality." the guy with the red in his hair stated.

"Right. How original." I thought sarcastically.

"Go on, beat it." the leader said, dismissing me again, "And don't come back until you have a picture of that sign taped to the PTA table."

I rolled me eyes, leaving their hangout once more.

"Well? Are they going to join us now?" Butters asked me the moment I returned to him. I shook my head, sighing in exasperation, and showed him the sign while pointing to the Community Center, which was right next to the school.

"WHAT?!" Butters shrieked, making me recoil, "They want you to put that sign in the PTA meeting?!" When I nodded, he immediately protested, "But if you do that, why, you'd be grounded for sure!" He seemed really worried. I patted his back, telling him to wait outside while I went in. I doubted that I would get grounded, but I KNEW that he would.

The Community Center was filled with adults, all of whom were rambling all at once. I walked down the center of the aisle, holding the sign at my side. At the front of the meeting was the PTA table. Sitting behind the table were several adults, among whom were Randy (the guy from the spaceship) and Mr. Mackey (the detention warden). I didn't recognize the others. What I did recognize, however, was that the discussion was getting heated.

"It isn't right, I tell you!" one of the adults, a Jewish man, shouted, "Out of NOWHERE a HUGE Taco Bell is being built, and now our children are missing precious school time!"

A woman with really poofy blond hair who was sitting at the table stood up and addressed the restless group. "Parents, we've been assured by the builders that they are working to fix whatever problems they've encountered and school should be able to resume soon."

"Resume SOON?!" a man who I recognized as Butters' father exclaimed, "Who do they think they are? They think we're gonna see a Taco Bell as more important than our kids' educations?!"

"What if it's not really a Taco Bell we're dealing with here?" Randy stated suddenly. Everyone got quiet.

"Thanks for coming, New Kid." Randy said to me. I just stood there, expression as apathetic as always. Randy then addressed the rest of the adults in the room. "Everyone, this is the kid whose family just moved to town. We've become very close friends. His name is…" he paused and asked me, "What's your name?"

"Sir Douchebag." I thought blankly. Butters' father spoke up.

"I think his name is Sage." he said. Then, when everyone looked at him, he explained further, "He moved into the house next to ours, so I met his parents yesterday, and that's what they called him."

_Oh great. Now everyone here knows my name. Oh well, it was going to get out once school started anyway._

Randy nodded, continuing his explanation. "Anyway, this child and I witnessed something last night, and I'd like you to hear his story. Go ahead, kid." I just stood there. Randy tried to get me to speak again. "Tell them. About the…you know. Go on, tell them that stuff."

"You tell them." I thought, leaning on the sign. After a few moments of silence, the other adults in the room grew impatient.

"This is a waste of everyone's time!" Butters' father shouted, glaring down at me. He clearly didn't like me, probably because of the defiance I had shown him last night. "If the PTA isn't going to do something about Taco Bell taking over, then the rest of us parents will!" He then ran out of the building, with the rest of the adults following, all of them chanting "Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!" I just rolled my eyes. Adults in this town are so stupid. I made my way to the PTA table, eager to get this little mission over with. School could stay closed for months for all I care. However, before I could put the sign on the table, Randy took it from my hands.

"Look, I know how you're feeling, ok?" he whispered harshly to me, looking at the sign with disapproval, "But _this_ isn't going to solve anything." He kneeled down beside me, keeping his voice low. "We've got to get inside that "Taco Bell" and find out what's really going on. Help me with that, and I'll help you with this." He then placed a hand on my shoulder. "I saw you on the ship. You have pretty good control over your farts." He then stood up. "Meet me in the bathroom." he said, looking around nervously, "It's time for you to learn some REAL power." He then went into the bathroom.

_O…k… Now I'M the nervous one. But he took my sign, so I guess I have no choice._

I walked into the bathroom, prepared for anything, and was faced with Randy, who was dressed in an outfit that reminded me of a martial arts teacher.

"I can tell you have potential, but you are…undisciplined." Randy said once the door was closed, "Let me show you what I mean." He then turned to me, taking a fighting stance. "Come at me. Try to fart on me, come on!"

I looked at him oddly before shrugging and using Dragonshout on him. However, he managed to take my fart and throw it behind him. _Ok, so he does have some skill._

"Hai-CHAA! See that? Your fart's over there somewhere. Didn't come close. So, what do you do when someone can block your farts."

_Easy. Detonate it somewhere he can't block._ I prepared the third fart technique I had taught myself: the Sneaky Squeaker. With it, a higher level of telekinesis is used to direct a fart behind the opponent before detonating it. I used it on Randy, then, when he was distracted, I ran up and punched him.

"WOAH!" he cried, falling backward, "You can use the Sneaky Squeaker! Excellent!" Although he sounded disappointed that I hadn't needed him to show it to me, he continued, "But now let's see if you can use it against a real opponent." _I thought I just did._ Right as he said that, Mr. Mackey walked in.

"Oh, hey guys." He said, heading for the urinal.

"Mr. Mackey." Randy greeted before whispering to me, "Use Sneaky Squeaker to distract Mr. Mackey over to the corner there." I complied, releasing my fart and detonating it in the specified corner.

"Hey, did you guys hear that?" Mr. Mackey asked, zipping his pants and walking over to the corner, "Sounded like a chipmunk…" As Mr. Mackey looked around for the "chipmunk", Randy ran up behind him and high-jump kicked him, knocking him out.

"That's revenge for detention. And those pain-in-the-ass hall monitors." I thought, laughing internally, although my external expression remained the same.

"Very, very good." Randy praised me, "Now use that technique to sneak into the Taco Bell and find out what they're really up to. When you're done, report back here. And remember; never fart on anyone's balls. Alright? Now go." I gave him a (still blank-faced) thumbs-up and left.

Outside of the Community Center, I met up with Butters, who had hidden when the parents had stormed out. After assuring him that I hadn't been grounded, we called Timmy, a handicapped kid who runs a "business" of carrying people across town on a wagon that was attached to his chair, to take us to the place where the mall used to be. There was a large group of people gathered in front of the crashed UFO, listening to a government agent as he tried to convince them that this was simply a Taco Bell being built. I still don't know how ANYONE believed that, but they did.

"Folks, there's nothing to be concerned with here." the agent was saying, "Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary going on. We're simply getting ready for the grand opening of a new Taco Bell." As he was saying this, military guards and people in radioactive-resistant suits were walking around behind him. Disregarding this, he continued, "New Taco Bell opening soon. Very big Taco Bell. It's going to open in a few weeks. Thank you."

A guy who was standing in the crowd raised his hand. "Uh, will this Taco Bell be serving enchiritos?"

"What?" the agent asked, obviously caught off-guard by the question.

The guy continued, "Well, is it gonna be a FULL MENU Taco Bell, or is it gonna be one of those Taco Bell/KFC combos?" _Oooh. Bad move, bro._

The agent turned around and spoke into his earpiece, saying something about "asking a lot of questions". A few moments later he nodded, muttering a "Yes sir" before turning back around. Shortly afterward, as the townsperson continued asking about enchiritos, he was shot through the head. His girlfriend, who was standing right next to him, screamed and fell to her knees beside him, crying. I felt Butters grip my arm.

"Folks, we know you're all very excited, but for your _safety_ we ask that you please stay clear of the construction site." the agent said, emphasizing the word "safety". The crowd dispersed, not wanting to be shot, although the woman stayed beside her dead boyfriend, grieving.

"Gee whiz, Sage. Don'tcha think we should leave, too? I mean, they've already shot someone." Butters suggested anxiously, pulling on my arm, his gaze resting on the woman, who was sobbing loudly over her boyfriend's body. I looked at him and shook my head, resting my hand over his. I had to do this, and not just for the game. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else going on, something I needed to know about.

I approached the gate, Butters keeping a tight grip on my arm (he refused to let me go in alone), using Sneaky Squeaker to distract the guards before they saw us. After luring another soldier into a puddle of water and electrocuting him, I tried to open the doors to the government building, only to find them locked. Looking around, I saw a familiar antennae sticking out of the building. I turned to Butters, unsure about how I was going to explain what I was about to do.

"Ah, Christ. What a pickle. Now how are we gonna get in?" Butters wondered aloud. I tapped his shoulder, pointing at the antennae. "Yeah, I've seen those before. So?"

I held out my hand, which he gladly took. Then, I activated the probe in my anus and teleported both of us onto the roof. It took Butters a few seconds to process what had happened.

"Wait a minute! What just happened? And what is that thing that came out of your ass?" Butters exclaimed. I pointed to the UFO.

"The Taco Bell?" he asked, confused. I shook my head, taking out my phone and typing out the word "aliens", showing it to Butters. His eyes widened.

"Wait! You were abducted by aliens?! And they put that thing in your butt?!" he exclaimed.

I nodded, pointing to the UFO again. Butters' eyes widened even more.

"This is the alien ship that you were brought on?!" I nodded again, pointing to myself, then to the ship. Then I pointed downward.

"WHAT?! YOU brought down this UFO?!" I was beginning to think that Butters' eyes were going to pop out of his head. Nevertheless, I nodded again, a little nervous about what he would think of me now (I know I'm starting to sound like a self-conscious pre-teen girl. Don't rub it in.). Butters blinked a couple of times, processing what I had just told him, before looking directly at me.

"Sage…" he muttered, and I tilted my head, "You are…AMAZING!" He practically jumped on me, looking at me with big, admiring eyes. "Those aliens have been a problem in this town for years, and you've taken out one of their ships! You're a hero!" Butters then grabbed my arms and pulled me into a quick, yet passionate kiss. Before I could even react, he broke the kiss and hugged me tightly, whispering into my ear, "But please be careful. If you had still been on the ship when it crashed…" he trailed off, and I felt a drop of liquid on my neck, followed by a sniffle.

I wrapped my arms around him in turn, patting his back as I tried to calm him down. It continued to amaze me how protective Butters had become. Ever since I passed out from overusing my Dragonborn power, he was constantly worrying about me, since I was always doing something dangerous. What amazed me more is the fact that I didn't mind in the least. I guess it's because the only other person to ever genuinely care about me was my mother. I've been longing for this kind of loving affection, and I would gladly enjoy it, if it weren't for the fact that we were trying to sneak into a government building.

After Butters had calmed down, we snuck in through an open air vent. As we crawled through the vent, we stopped at an opening, beneath which a meeting was taking place. Eight government agents were sitting around a table, all with folders in front of them. They were all facing the end of the table. And there, at the end of the table, was the one person I had hoped never to see again in this lifetime. The one person I was actually capable of hating.

"…but so far, we've been unable to stop the UFO from leaking the toxic waste. We've contained all we can, but there are no guarantees that an outbreak will not occur." one of the agents was reporting.

_Toxic waste?_ I looked at the hated man.

"And does the alien liquid appear to have the same effect as…last time?" he asked.

"I'm afraid so." The agent replied, "When the alien waste comes into contact with organic material on Earth, it turns things into...Nazi Zombies."

"Nazi Zombies?" I thought, trying to decide whether to be scared or incredulous. Beside me, Butters gasped.

The government agent pressed a button on a remote, revealing a containment room where a man wearing a tourist shirt was pacing back and forth. He had pale green skin and was wearing a swastika on his arm. As he paced around the room, he held up his arm in a Nazi salute and shouted something in German.

_So much for being a hero._ I glared down at the meeting, feelings of guilt and rage overwhelming me.

"Sage!" A harsh whisper startled me from my thoughts. I looked at Butters, only just now realizing that he had been calling my name. I tilted my head questioningly.

"You were shaking." he whispered, the worry in his eyes almost painful. I looked back at the meeting. Because of the talking, combined with the yelling of the Nazi Zombie, they couldn't hear us, which I was thankful for.

"You're thinking that this is your fault, aren't you?" he said quietly, once again guessing my thoughts. I nodded sadly, then hissed in pain when Butters dug his fingernails into my arm.

"Stop." he commanded, glaring at me. I looked at him, confused and a little hurt. "Stop thinking this is your fault. It's not. You were protecting yourself and the other people who were abducted. You even crashed this thing in a place that didn't have any people near it so no one got hurt. You didn't know this was gonna happen. You were willing to protect others, even though you yourself were still weak. That's something only a hero would do. You _are_ a hero."

By the time Butters had finished his speech, he was no longer glaring at me, but was instead looking at me with a look of kindness and understanding. I smiled gently, grabbing his hand and turning back to the meeting. My gaze settled once again on the hated man.

"Sage." Butters whispered, drawing my attention back to him, "You're still upset. What's wrong?"

I sighed, mentally cursing how well Butters could see right through me (before immediately taking it back) and pointed to the hated guy.

"What, you mean the guy with the eyepatch?" he asked. I nodded, glaring at him, "He's the leader, isn't he? Why are you so…" He stopped suddenly, looking at me as his eyes widened in realization. A realization that was confirmed when I nodded and pointed to my left eye.

"You mean…that's the guy that tried to kidnap you three years ago?!" he exclaimed, struggling to keep his voice low. I nodded again, and he turned back to the meeting. _Oh, if looks could kill…_

"Ooh, if I ever get my hands on that bastard…" Butters growled menacingly, shaking with rage. I put an arm around him, trying to keep him quiet. My attention returned to the meeting as people began to leave. One of the men placed a tape recorder on the table.

"Everything we've just talked about has been recorder onto this tape. I'm going to leave it alone for a few minutes, then come back later and have it encrypted and locked away so that no one ever hears what was said in this meeting." he stated out loud, as if trying to tell us what they were doing and that they were going to give us a chance to steal the information. I smirked at their stupidity and looked over at Butters, who was trying desperately not to burst out laughing.

Once all of the agents had left, Butters and I opened the vent and jumped to the floor. Two soldiers were guarding the door, but they were facing away from us, so we attempted to sneak into the room. However, just as we were about to open the door, I heard a crash from the other side of the door, followed by something being shouted in German. My eyes widened and I jumped back, pushing Butters to the floor as the Nazi Zombie burst through the door.

"Oh shit! It's broken free!" one of the soldiers exclaimed, firing at it with his machine gun. However, although both soldiers were firing at it, neither actually managed to hit it. It tore off one of the soldiers' head and punched a hole in the other one's stomach. Then it turned to us.

"Jesus Christ! It's spotted us!" Butters cried, backing away.

I growled, taking out my dagger and driving it through the zombie's head, splitting it clean in half. I then jumped backward as the zombie collapsed, motionless. I turned back to the door, cleaning off my dagger, and grabbed the tape. I then left, pulling a stunned Butters with me. As we exited through the front door, I noticed a soldier walking out of the gate. The soldier had pale green skin and a swastika on his arm. _So the goo has made it out here. That's not good._

After killing the zombified soldiers and one zombified civilian, Butters and I returned to the Community Center. I handed the tape to Randy (I still had Butters remain outside, in case I was grounded for this).

"What's this?" he asked, taking the tape, "It's a recording!" He examined it further. "There's data on here!" _No shit, Sherlock._

"Did they say anything?" a woman with a red turban asked.

"What kind of Taco Bell is it going to be?" the woman with the poofy hair added.

"When are they going to be finished building it?" Mr. Mackey asked impatiently.

Randy shushed them, rewinding part of the tape and playing it back.

"Alright. We're going to have to completely obliterate EVERYTHING within a three-block radius. Set charges underground to blow up the area and bury it all, then make up a fake story about an earthquake." my captor's voice said from the tape. Randy stopped it there. Everyone was shocked beyond words. Finally, the poofy-haired woman spoke up.

"They're gonna just…blow up three blocks?" she asked, hardly able to believe what she had just heard.

"Sons of bitches…" Randy muttered, before yelling, "YOU SONS OF BITCHES!"

"What gives them the right?" a man with glasses, a green shirt, and a receding hairline asked, panicked.

"I knew there was more to this." Randy said in a low voice, "It's not just a simple Taco Bell we're dealing with. It's the most massive Taco Bell EVER BUILT. You see, ever since the whole Doritos Locos Taco thing, Taco Bell thinks they can just do whatever they want!"

_Yeah, OR it isn't really a Taco Bell at all, and they're just using Taco Bell as a cover for what they're really doing, which you'd know if you LISTENED TO THE REST OF THE DAMN TAPE!_

Randy handed me my sign. "You've done well, New Kid." he said, "We're not going to let Taco Bell win. I'll take that picture you wanted of you with the PTA." He then stood back, taking the picture with his phone and sending it to me (yet another person who got my phone number by unknown means). After that, I left, meeting with Butters outside and returning to the Goth Kids once more.

I walked up to them and held out my phone, showing them the picture.

"Woah. He did it." the guy with the red in his hair said, clearly surprised that I had actually gone through with their request.

"Nice." the girl said, impressed.

The leader, who had stood up to look at the picture, sat back down. "Yeah, but he's still not Goth. He'll have to pass the final test." _Oh, come on!_ "You may LOOK Goth, Frodo, but can you DANCE Goth?" he asked, handing me some coffee and a cigarette before turning on some music depressing music.

_Dance Goth? You mean when they just step around in place while sipping coffee and taking a drag from a cigarette every few steps?_ I had to refrain from rolling my eyes, instead focusing my gaze on the ground, taking a few steps in either direction while occasionally drinking the coffee (which was really bitter) and taking a drag from the cigarette (I had to struggle to keep myself from choking). I nodded my head slightly to the beat of the music, showing as much emotion as I normally did, but slouching a little so that I looked less "enthusiastic". The Goths commented, cynically at first, but became more impressed as the song progressed. By the time the song had finished, they looked almost eager.

"What do you think?" red-in-hair asked the others expectantly.

"He's pretty goth!" the leader said, impressed.

"He's pretty goth, right?" red-in-hair agreed (almost) eagerly.

"Yeah. That was pretty good." the girl conceded.

"I felt his pain." the young one added.

Red-in-hair turned back to me. "Alright, New Kid. You've officially proven yourself."

"Yeah, just tell us where you want us, and we'll be there." the leader sighed.

_About fucking time._ I nodded in acknowledgement, walking out to meet Butters once again.

"Well?" he asked. I just grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to the Timmy Fast Travel, where he took us to my house. No one was there, but I had a key, so I let us in. Then, I went straight to the bathroom, where I grabbed a toothbrush and some mouthwash. I then proceeded to brush my teeth (and tongue) and washed my mouth out five times. Once I was sure that I had finally gotten the taste of coffee and cigarettes out of my mouth, I came out of the bathroom to the eagerly-waiting Butters.

"Sage?" he asked uncertainly, "Are you…okay?" I sighed, causing him to recoil. "And why does your breath smell like mint?"

I didn't respond. Instead, I pulled Butters forward, placing a kiss on his lips. His eyes widened in surprise, but he kissed me back regardless.

"What do you taste?" I asked when I pulled back.

"Uh…" Butters mumbled, confused, "Mint?"

"That it?" I asked him. When he nodded, I sighed.

"Sage? What's wrong?" he asked me worriedly, "Do the Goths still refuse to join us?"

"Oh, they agreed to join us. I just wanted to get the taste of coffee and cigarettes out of my mouth." I replied, gagging slightly at the memory, "I don't know how they stand it."

Butters looked like he was ready to explode. "They made you drink coffee and smoke?!" he practically shouted at me.

"They wanted me to show that I could dance like they did. Part of "goth dancing" is drinking coffee and smoking." I explained tiredly. All this running around had me worn out.

"Those bastards…" Butters muttered, clenching his fists so hard they turned white and shook, "Don't they know how bad smoking is for you? Not to mention if your parents found out you were smoking, well they'd ground you for sure!" He sounded scared at that last part.

I kissed Butters again, softer this time, and held him close to me in a hug. "Don't worry, Butters." I said when he separated, "My parents aren't gonna find out. It was a one-time thing. Trust me."

Butters sniffled, hugging me back. "Promise?" he asked, looking at me with large puppy eyes.

"Promise." I replied, returning his gaze. He nodded, satisfied.

"Well, come on then!" he said enthusiastically, "You've managed to recruit the Goth Kids! Let's go report back to Kupa Keep!"

I nodded, following my boyfriend out the door. The Twitter message I had predicted was going to be sent soon. It was time to put my plan into action.


	17. A Ranger's Duty

"Division 9! Guard the cafeteria! The humans will come through there first! Divisions 3 and 4! Guard the front door! Don't let them through!"

I sat in the fourth grade classroom, listening to Kyle give orders to the other elves, who were preparing for the final battle with the humans. I just hoped that Sage's plan was going to work. I know that Dragonborns are known for their incredible ability to get the truth out of people, but I was still unsure whether or not he really could find the Stick. I mean, if neither the elves nor the humans had it, then who did? The Twitter raven had said that Cartman was hiding it in his desk, but the humans had gotten a similar message about Kyle. Either way, this was not going to be a simple fight.

"I'm going to guard the front entrance, too." I told Kyle once the other elves had left. He turned to me and glared.

"Oh no you don't, Stan! You haven't recovered from your fight with the New Kid!" he said angrily, placing himself firmly in my path.

I sighed. I knew he wasn't going to let me leave easily. Ever since we secretly started dating after the Black Friday incident, Kyle has been very protective over me. He is almost always by my side during battle and we've been having sleepovers at least once a week (just to hang out, and maybe a few make-out sessions, you perverts). I don't mind spending more time with him. I had really missed him when our friendship was being tested. But still…

"Do you really think they can hold back the New Kid?" I asked my king, "He's wiped out most of our warriors, and now's he's managed to get the Goth Kids to join his side."

"He knocked you out, too!" Kyle reminded me, poking my chest to emphasize his point as he continued to glare at me.

"Actually, we knocked EACH OTHER out." I corrected him, crossing my arms and puffing out my chest (hey, it's a pretty damn good accomplishment, even if it was planned), "Even if he defeats me, I'll still weaken him. More so than the other elven warriors, anyway."

"No! I forbid it!" Kyle shouted at me, his adamant personality coming into play, "If it comes down to that, I'll fight him myself! I'm not letting you get hurt like that again!"

I sighed, knowing that he wasn't going to give in easily, and grabbed his arms.

"Stan? What are you-" Kyle began, but was cut off as I closed what little distance there was between us, trapping his lips with my own. I could practically feel him melting into my arms. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, but the passion behind it could be felt for minutes afterward. I gazed into his emerald eyes as he gazed into my sapphire ones.

"Kyle, you are the King of the Elves." I said gently, tightening my arms as I pulled him close, "And I am the Ranger Champion. It is my duty to protect you with my life, and I will gladly give it for you. Therefore, I have to get out there and fight, or I don't deserve to be a Ranger."

Kyle blinked at me a few times, processing all that I said, before resting his head on my shoulder.

"I hear you, Stan." he said, his voice almost a whisper, "…Very well. You may guard the front door. But don't take any unnecessary risks. That wouldn't help anybody."

I smiled and stepped back, kneeling before my king. I took his hand and brought it to my lips.

"As you wish, my Lord." I said, rising and walking out the door, heading for the front of the school. As I left, I heard the Elf King's last wish.

"Be safe, my love."


	18. Humans vs Elves: the Final Battle

"Ah! You have returned!" Cartman exclaimed when Butters and I returned to Kupa Keep. As Butters went over to talk with Tweek and Craig, Cartman called me over. "Come, Sir Douchebag. It is time to summon our forces! Simply call them here, and your dedication to Kupa Keep will be complete!"

I nodded, climbing up to the top of the watchtower. There, I pulled out my phone and sent a Facebook message to the Goth Kids, telling them to meet us at the school. Once I had climbed back down, Cartman called the other warriors to order.

"Everyone, gather around!" he called, standing beside me, "While the rest of you have been picking your respective arses, Sir Douchebag has gone and brought help to our kingdom." He then turned to me. "Sir Douchebag, it is time to give you a title worthy of your deeds." he said, raising his staff and proclaiming dramatically, "By the power of Mandaloth, third born of the Redguard, and by the glory of Christ, I hereby anoint thee- Commander Douchebag! With all the rights and privileges accompanied therein!" He placed his staff on either side of my head, as if he were knighting me. My new outfit consisted of a leather pouch-covered sash and a silver headband under my hood, of which only the silver circle on my forehead could be seen, along with a gold coin amulet on a red string around my neck. The rest of my outfit stayed the same.

As the applause subsided, Butters ran up to us.

"Eric! Eric!" he called to the Wizard, out of breath, "We know where the elves are hiding the Stick!"

"What? REALLY?!" Cartman exclaimed excitedly.

"We just intercepted their messages on Twitter!" Butters replied.

"You mean you shot down their message raven?" Cartman growled, not so much asking as telling.

"R-Right, w-we shot down their raven." Butters corrected himself nervously, "And the evil Elf King has hidden the Stick inside his desk at school!"

_There it is._

Cartman's eyes widened at the news, then narrowed in a glare. "Of course! Kyle hid it in his desk!" He then addressed the rest of the warriors, "Citizens of Kupa Keep! We know where the elves are hiding the Stick! I told you they were cheating! Now we shall march on the school and make the hallways drip with elven blood!"

"HUZZAH!" everyone cheered, making their way to the school. We met with the Goths, who were dressed as Vikings, and faced the front door.

The sun was setting, bathing the world in an eerie red light. The birds of the night were already beginning their wake-up songs, while the air became chilled with the loss of the sun's light.

Cartman stood in front of the group. "Defenders of Freedom! I thank you for your courage and your audacities in joining our fight! Tonight, we are not the humans or the Goths! Tonight, we fight as ONE!"

"I feel like such a homo sapien right now." Michael, the leader of the Goths, droned.

Suddenly, an elf appeared in the window.

"THE HUMANS ARE HEEEEEEERE!" he called, and another elf blew a horn.

"Ooh, they blew their horn!" Cartman exclaimed, "Blow ours, Butters!"

Butters did as instructed, and the battle began.

"Guys! Flank left! Goth Kids! Prepare to attack from behind!" Cartman commanded, and everyone split up. Cartman turned to me. "They've barricaded the entrance! The elves are up to their old Jew tricks again! Find another way in! Take out the barricade from behind!" he commanded. I saluted and went around the back, signaling for Butters to follow me.

The back area of the school was full of knocked-out elves and humans. Near the back door, Pete (the red-in-hair goth) on the ground, clutching his ankle.

"Ow! I hurt my fucking ankle!" he groaned in pain, "Oh, man. It hurts like shit!" Michael was kneeling beside him, keeping him from collapsing completely. At my command, Butters healed his ankle (I still didn't know what psychological technique he used to make people feel better). Once Butters had "healed" him, the Goth got up, stating happily (almost), "Hey, I'm healed. Except for on the inside." He then opened the back door and returned to his usual place with the other Goths. I sighed, knowing that I wasn't going to get them to do anything else, and went inside.

Inside, the kitchen was a wreck. The elves had trashed EVERYTHING. The cafeteria was the same way. Kids from both sides were on the ground, crying that they didn't want to play anymore. _This is getting serious._

We found Tweek, who was freaking out about how all his friends were "dead" and decided to let him travel with us. As we met up with Kenny, Kyle's voice could be heard over the intercom, commanding/begging me to switch sides. He also laid out terms of surrender, which included being the elves personal slave for a month and Cartman jumping up and down for three days straight. I smirked at that last part, moving to the basement.

In the basement, we found Cartman, who was staring at one of the ginger hall monitors. The ginger was lying on the floor, a green liquid flowing from his mouth. _Oh no._

"Stay back, you guys!" Cartman yelled when he saw us, "Something is seriously wrong with the hallway monitors!"

The ginger was begging for help. Butters, in all his adorable good nature, ran to him, exclaiming, "That's Gary Nelson!"

He lifted the ginger's head as Kenny and I looked over his shoulder. Tweek was hiding in the back corner. Cartman told us not to touch the kid (due to him being ginger).

"We came to school the morning after the earthquake to report for duty." Gary coughed weakly, due to the goo's effect, "We didn't know school had been cancelled." He coughed again. "We heard a sound from down here, found this green goo. It was everywhere! It…changed the other hall monitors." He then got up, trying to walk away.

"Serves you right for being a patsy ass hall monitor in the first place." Cartman said unsympathetically. Gary started twitching.

"Something in the goo…it…it…" he stuttered, trying to say something. Then his skin started turning a familiar pale green color. Butters started to approach him, wanting to help. I leapt forward, grabbing my boyfriend and jumping back right as the hall monitor turned around and shouted in German, giving the Nazi salute.

"Oh Jesus!" Tweek screamed, hiding behind Kenny, who was paralyzed with fear.

"Woah! Somehow that green goo makes ginger hallway monitors cool!" Cartman gasped in awe. I turned to glare at him, and he took the hint, running back up the stairs. _So it's me and the trio of blonds. Cool._

Butters and I, having already faced Nazi Zombies before, fought against the zombified hall monitors, taking them out with ease. We didn't kill them, since they were people my companions knew. Once they were gone, we somehow managed to convince Tweek to follow me, Butters, and Kenny deeper into the basement. There were other zombie hall monitors down there, but I managed to knock them out using magic, fire, electrical currents, and Kenny's boobs.

Once we got upstairs, we finally made it to the lobby, where several elves had barricaded the door. They attacked us on sight, under the command of Stan Marshwalker himself.

"We're breached! Battle stations!" he commanded, standing behind a catapult. "Hey, Douchebag, let's see how you like some flaming dog shit!" he called to me, using his rage at my attack on Kyle to fuel his will to fight. I ducked behind a shield, my companions following suit.

"Ew, sick, Stan!" Butters called out, not pleased with the method of attack Stan was using.

I looked around and, spotting an antennae, signaled for everyone to link hands, teleporting all of us to the second floor.

"You can't hide, Douchebag!" Stan called, unable to see that I had teleported. Ignoring Kenny and Tweek's gawking stares, I walked over to a rope on the other side, an idea forming in my head. Telling my companions to stay put (I'm a commander now, they have to obey me), I slid down the rope, catching Stan's attention, and he began firing flaming dog shit at ready again. As my companions watched on, terrified (especially Butters, who Kenny and Tweek had to restrain so he didn't disobey my orders), I danced around the edge of the right barricade, taunting my adversary. Stan growled, firing again. However, in his anger, he missed, hitting the barricade and setting it on fire. Then, using my magic, I blew it up, knocking out all the elves in the process.

"You son of a bitch! This isn't over!" Stan swore, fleeing into the next room. I waved my companions down from the second floor (Tweek and Kenny were gawking at me again, while Butters looked at me with pride) right as Cartman came in through one of the side doors. He had been hiding back there the entire time.

"Good work! Douchebag, man the catapult and let our guys in through the front door." Cartman commanded, "Everyone, fall in!"

I got behind the catapult, firing at the barricade that was blocking the door. All it took was a Cup-a-Spell to blow the thing to smithereens. Token, Craig, and Scott came in, Craig heading immediately for the door leading further into the school. Once he had opened that, he looked around, and I pointed toward the right barricade (the one I had destroyed) where Token and Kenny could be seen comforting Tweek. They seemed to be helping, but having Craig there would be even better, especially since my little "fire dance" stunt had him freaked out. As Craig went to take care of Tweek, Token checked all of us for injuries, and Scott ate some food to regain his strength ("The power of diabetes is both a gift and a curse. But mostly a curse."). Cartman stood off to the side.

"Lead the way, Douchebag! I must save my strength for the final battle!" he commanded, earning some skeptical looks from the rest of the humans. I just nodded, hiding a sadistic grin beneath my hood. _If only you knew._

We all entered the next room, where Stan was waiting.

"This ends here, New Kid!" he states, twirling his sword in a display of power and determination. Butters prepared to fight, but I put my arm in front of him, making it clear to everyone that this was my fight, and mine alone.

Stan and I circled each other as I drew my sword. I had bought a katana from Jimbo before this fight began and named it Dragonfang, because every good weapon has a name. We both mock-lunged, looking for breaks in the other's defense. Stan summoned his dog, Sparky, to attack Butters in an attempt to distract me, but I was not concerned. Butters is a lot stronger than he looks and acts.

As Stan and I lunged, our blades colliding, I heard his voice in my head.

_Kyle is in the fourth grade classroom. We remember that our desks don't have insides. He waits for a confrontation with Cartman._

We jumped backward, glaring at each other, before colliding again. I thought back to him.

**Cartman will not fight. He will pass it off to me.**

Stan growled and slashed at my side.

_I will never let you hurt Kyle. I will kill you if you try._

I snorted in response to the prophet's threat, slashing at his chest in order to drive him back.

**I have no intention of harming your boyfriend, any more than your canine companion has of hurting mine.**

We both spared a glance over to see Butters petting Sparky, who seemed to be enjoying himself. Stan chuckled.

_I knew Sparky wouldn't hurt him. More importantly, where's the Stick?_

We both slashed at each other.

**I don't know, but I think we will find a clue to that in the classroom. I have no doubt that whoever sent those Twitter messages to the humans and elves also took the Stick.**

Stan leapt up, trying to slash me from above, but I dodged.

_How do we know YOU didn't take the Stick?_

I teleported behind my opponent using my anal probe, attempting to slash him with one of my daggers, but he blocked.

**Because I was busy being abducted by aliens. **

We exchanged a few more blows, matching each other's speed and strength, but we couldn't last forever.

_Kyle tells me everything. I'd know if he took the Stick. I shall tell him to look for the clue when this battle ends._

I darted around him, slashing at him from all sides. By now, Butters, along with every other human and elf in the room and surrounding hallways, had begun to watch the fight. Stan slashed at me as I came at him again, making a deep gash in my side that froze on contact. I hissed.

**No. Kyle will want to focus on treating your injuries. Let him. Butters will not let me continue fighting until my wounds have been treated, and Cartman won't continue the attack unless he has SOMEONE to fight for him. None of the others will leave me, so you will have some time to recover. Leave finding the Stick to me, as I am not on either side.**

I slashed at Stan's chest, causing a wound that automatically blackened from the fire that surrounded my blade. Stan cringed in pain, weakened by the wound, especially after such a long, drawn-out fight, and collapsed, falling to the ground with a final trusting nod to me.

"S-Stan's down!" Jimmy, who had been watching the fight, cried, "Elves, grab him! W-We must g-get him to Kyle!"

The elves obeyed, picking up Stan and carrying him to the fourth grade classroom, where the King of Elves was waiting. Sparky followed close behind, worried for his fallen master.

Meanwhile, I had fallen to one knee, also weakened from my battle with the Ranger. Butters wrapped his arms around me, tears in his eyes.

"Douchebag! You're hurt!" he cried, his tone making it clear that he did NOT like using my given nickname right now. The other humans gathered around me.

"Holy shit! Are you alright?!" Craig said, a tiny amount of concern seeping into his otherwise-emotionless voice.

"Jesus, dude! Is he gonna die?!" Tweek screamed, clinging to Craig, very clearly NOT wanting me to die.

"Don't worry. My medicine skill is +7." Token said, trying to reassure everyone as he knelt by my wounded side. "Butters and I can take care of him. Right, Butters?"

I hid a smile._ Token's maturity continues to impress me. While everyone else is flipping out, he tries to reassure them by getting them to focus on something productive._

Butters nodded, tears streaming down his face as he supported my head. Kenny and Scott kept me distracted while Token and Butters treated the frozen gash on my side.

"Oh, come on! Hurry up! He's fine!" Cartman whined impatiently. Everyone glared at him, which he seemed used to. However, he did back down when faced with the death glare Butters sent his way.

Once the ice around my wound had thawed and the gash had stopped bleeding, I was allowed to move, although Butters remained glued to my right side while Craig guarded my left.

When we got to the stairs, several elves charged at Craig, who wasn't prepared for the attack. However, before the elves could get to him, Tweek jumped out in front and spun in a circle, swinging his spear around and throwing back all of the elves, knocking them out in the process. Craig smiled in appreciation, and Tweek grinned triumphantly, falling into line beside Craig. Kenny walked beside Butters, with Scott and Token behind Kenny and Tweek, respectively. With me walking behind Cartman, my friends formed a wall around me, protecting me from the elves as we made our way to the fourth grade classroom, where the final battle would take place.


	19. Stick Thief Revealed

As the group of humans entered the fourth grade classroom, they faced the King of Elves himself. He glared at the humans, focusing his gaze on the New Kid. Behind him, several other elven warriors, including the Bard, watched the New Kid with a mixture of anger and fear. All of them had faced him at some point in the game, and all of them had been brutally beaten. The only elf who wasn't displaying any animosity toward the New Kid was the defeated Ranger, who was being supported by the other elves. The only emotions in his eyes were curiosity and anticipation.

"Back away from the desks, Jew King!" the Grand Wizard, Cartman, commanded.

"The Stick doesn't belong with a FAT, RACIST LIAR!" the Elf King, Kyle, replied, his hatred for the Wizard overpowering even his anger toward the New Kid.

"Okay, Kyle, you fucking asked for it!" Cartman growled, his hatred for the Elf King showing strong as he stood face-to-face with the other boy, before commanding, "Go ahead and kick his ass, Douchebag!"

"WHAT?!" several of the humans cried in disbelief.

"You said you would fight the final battle!" the golden-haired paladin, Butters, cried, desperate to protect his boyfriend, who was still hurt from his battle with the Ranger.

"Yeah! You even avoided fighting any battles on the way here so you could "save your strength" for this battle!" the level 12 thief, Craig, added, also wanting to protect his friend and fellow thief.

"How many times do we have to tell you, Cartman? You have to fight your own battles." the Healer, Token, snarled at the Wizard.

"I'm the King of the Humans! I can do whatever I want! Kick Kyle's ass, Douchebag!" Cartman barked back, disregarding all protests. That's when Cartman, along with everyone else in the room, noticed something.

"Where's Douchebag?"

Sure enough, while everyone had been focused on the argument between the Wizard and his followers, the strongest warrior in the entire game had vanished. Everyone, human and elf alike, started looking around the room, searching for the missing warrior.

"That bastard! He ditched us!" Cartman cried indignantly, stamping his feet. That's when everyone heard a sinister chuckle from a darkened corner of the room. Everyone turned toward the sound, Butters and Stan recognizing it instantly.

At first, all anyone could see was a dark silhouette standing in the corner. Then, a pair of glowing red eyes appeared, illuminating the hateful smirk on the thief's face as he stared at the Wizard. He was radiating power and defiance, and he seemed to be hovering over a specific desk. However, everyone seemed to miss that last fact, so caught were they by the glowing eyes.

"AGH! W-W-What's wrong with his eyes?!" Tweek, the first warrior to regain his voice, shrieked in terror as he hid behind Craig. Craig, the normally-stoic boy, was actually shaking at the sight of his friend, although he tried desperately to hide it. Everyone else could do nothing except stare at the New Kid, who narrowed his eyes at the Wizard. Well, everyone except Butters.

"Sa- Douchebag! What are you doing?! You're not strong enough to be using that!" he cried, fear dominating his voice. The Ranger, Stan, watched on in interest, although he stood up next to Kyle and gripped his sword in case the Dragonborn made a move toward his precious king. The powerful angel ignored all of them, heading straight for the Grand Wizard.

"W-What are you doing, Douchebag?! I told you to attack KYLE! Do as I say or you can't play anymore!" Cartman attempted to command his commander, backing up as he approached. Commander Douchebag ignored him, pulling out his sword, which ignited the moment it was unsheathed. He slashed at the fat wizard, causing a burn.

"Godamn it! I KNEW you were a fucking Douchebag!" Cartman bellowed, enraged.

"Agh! Is Douchebag betraying us?!" Tweek cried fearfully, clinging to Craig's arm.

"Maybe he's possessed." Craig replied, sounding vaguely hopeful, "Look at his eyes. Maybe the elves did this."

"No." Butters said, making the humans turn to him, "This is Douchebag's doing. This is the technique he used to defeat the Bard." Sure enough, the Bard, Jimmy, was trembling at the familiar sight. "He has complete control over himself."

"That doesn't mean he's betraying us." Token interjected, gaining the others' attention.

"What do you mean?" Craig asked as Tweek, Kenny, Scott, and Butters looked at him hopefully.

"Well, think about it." Token said, "Cartman's been using the New Kid as a shield ever since he first joined our kingdom. To be honest, I knew it was only a matter of time before he lashed out. Although, I didn't expect _this_."

The human warriors turned back to the battle between the Wizard and the Commander. By now, Cartman was getting desperate. He couldn't even lay a finger on the rebelling warrior. Panicking, he took out a lighter and farted on the flame, sending a powerful cone of fire at the New Kid. However, the rebel thief just smirked, the exact same expression he was wearing at the start of the battle, and summoned a powerful Dragonshout that overpowered the Wizard's flames instantly, taking the Wizard out with them.

As Cartman collapsed, the New Kid typed out a message and handed it to Kyle, who read it aloud.

**Be careful how you use your weapons, or you may one day find them turned against you.**

"Told you." Token said.

Sage then took his phone back, nodding slightly to Stan and sending a look of apology to Butters. Then, he walked over to the same desk that he was hovering over before the fight began.

"What is he doing?" Kyle wondered out loud.

"I think there's something on that desk." Stan suggested, "Let's go see."

The group of kids, both human and elf, gathered around the Dragonborn, his glowing eyes revealing writing on the bottom of one of the desks.

**Check my locker.**

"Whose desk is that?" Kyle asked.

Cartman, who was still lying on the floor, raised his head. "That's…that's Clyde's desk."

With that realization, Stan and Kyle ran out of the classroom, with Cartman and Sage, who had deactivated the sight, close behind. Kyle supported Stan, who was still weak, while Butters supported Sage once he had caught up, placing a cloth to the scar on his boyfriend's left eye as the bleeding started again. Everyone else followed behind the group as they arrived at Clyde's locker. Inside, they found a laptop, which they opened to reveal a video of Clyde. He was dressed in black armor, with a purple crown with four silver spikes and a rodent skull on his head. He was holding the Stick triumphantly.

"Greetings, humans and drow elves of Zaron!" he said as Stan started the video.

"Clyde!" Stan gasped, sounding betrayed and hurt. Butters gasped as well, clinging to Sage's arm.

"HE took the Stick!" Cartman growled angrily. Sage's expression, as difficult as it was to read, told that he'd had a feeling this was going to happen and sighed, placing a hand over his boyfriend's in an attempt to calm him.

Clyde turned his back to the camera. "While you all have been busy fighting amongst yourselves, I have built a kingdom beyond your comprehension! I prayed for a way to destroy you all and the solution came crashing down from the heavens!" he announced, walking over to a barrel with a "toxic waste" label on it. Familiar green goo was dripping from it. Sage growled, clenching his fists, a look of anger and guilt on his face. Butters grabbed one of Sage's hands and unclenched it, intertwining their fingers and pressing their palms together, their calming roles reversed.

"Oh no, it's more of that green stuff!" Kyle exclaimed.

Clyde walked over to the body of a cat, which was lying next to the barrel. "With what I've found, I shall raise an army of the dead!" he declared, pouring some of the green goo into a ladle and then sprinkling it over the cat's body, causing it to twitch and turn pale green before getting up and shouting in German, a swastika on its foreleg. As the cat ran away, Clyde ran up to the camera, a triumphant smile on his face. "I shall raise an entire army of darkness, and kill the Earth!" he proclaimed, laughing manically.

"Clyde…but why?" Stan asked, leaning against Kyle.

"I banished him to be lost in time and space and now he's all pissed off." Cartman admitted as Clyde continued to overreact.

"So you see, FOOLS, I control the Stick, and the future of the Earth!" he yelled, an evilly victorious grin spreading across his face.

"Clyde? Do you want a sandwich?" an older male voice called from somewhere off-screen.

"Not now, Dad! I'm making a Ruler of Darkness video!" Clyde called back, before turning back to the camera once more, "Whoever controls the Stick controls the universe- and my first deed is that I hereby DENOUNCE the human and the elf kingdoms, and strip both kings of all their power!" he declared, bursting into another fit of laughter as the video ended. Everyone just stared at the blank screen for a few moments, absolutely speechless, before Cartman broke the silence.

"Motherfucker!"

Cartman then headed for the school's exit, with Stan, Kyle, Sage, Butters, Kenny, Jimmy, and Tweek following behind. Everyone else dispersed, except Craig, who had disappeared shortly after the video had begun playing. Approaching Clyde's house, Cartman banged on the door.

"Oh, hello, boys." Clyde's father said when he answered.

"Can we speak to Clyde, PLEASE?" Cartman snarled angrily, obviously forcing the "please".

"Oh, Clyde's in the backyard playing with his little friends." Clyde's father replied. The group just filed in one-by-one, heading past Clyde's father to the backyard. None of them expected what they found.

A massive treehouse that towered over the house itself stood in the center of the yard, surrounded by motes. Several red-roofed buildings made up the different levels of the castle. Banners bearing skulls were placed on either side of the opening near the top of the fortress. And there, standing in that opening, was Clyde.

"Come and get it, losers!" he called down to the intruders, holding up the Stick in a taunting manner.

Cartman looked around nervously before yelling back, "You can't do that, Clyde! You're lost in time and space!"

"No I'm not!" Clyde called back childishly.

"Yeah you are, asshole!" Cartman continued to argue.

"Army of Darkness! Defend the Fortress!" Clyde commanded. At his word, the fortress was suddenly COVERED with kids from all cliques, from emos and vampires to nerds and athletes. Suddenly, Craig showed up beside Clyde. Tweek's eyes widened.

"C-Craig?!" he cried, the pain in his voice at the betrayal filling the yard.

"Craig?! Craig, you're on my side!" Cartman yelled.

"You don't have authority anymore, the Keeper of the Stick said so." Craig replied, his voice as emotionless as always, although guilt flashed through his eyes briefly when he looked at Tweek, who was about to cry.

"This can't be happening." Kyle whispered, almost collapsing against Stan, who wrapped an arm around his waist to support him.

"GOD DAMNIT! I HAVE FUCKING AUTHORITAH!" Cartman screamed, furious.

Clyde smirked. "Sorry, warriors and wizards! I'd love to invite you all into my Fortress of Darkness, but I'm afraid you're TOO LATE!"

The boys looked at each other in confusion. "Too late? Whaddya mean we're too late?" Stan wondered out loud. At that moment, Butters' parents showed up.

"There you are, Butters!" his father yelled, "Do you know what time it is, mister? It is WAY past your bedtime!" Butters' eyes widened in horror as he was dragged away. Sage looked on worriedly.

"Oh shit, it's past our bedtimes?!" Cartman exclaimed as everyone else took off.

"Dude, I'm gonna get it!" Kyle cried fearfully.

Tweek, meanwhile, didn't seem to notice the exchange. He just stood in place, staring up at Craig as tears flowed from his eyes, the betrayal in them heartbreaking. Sage gently grabbed Tweek's arm, leading him out the door. He knew he wouldn't be grounded; his parents couldn't stand up to the power of the Dragonborn eyes. As he accompanied Tweek back to the caffeine addict's house and texted his mother, telling her to call Butters' parents to explain that it was Sage's fault that Butters stayed out too late, only one thought echoed through the Dragonborn's mind.

**I'm gonna get you back for this, I swear!**


	20. A Little Gnome Hunt (and more scars)

After I dropped Tweek off by his house (I would've stayed, but he seemed to want to be alone, which I understood completely), I went back to my own house, expecting my father to try to ground me. He didn't, however, with my mother informing me that Tweek's parents had called to tell them that their son was really upset and that I was helping him. After that, I went upstairs and changed into my pajamas, falling asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. After using more of my Dragonborn powers, I had hoped for a good night's sleep, since tomorrow was going to be another busy day, but, as usual, the Fates were against me. Around 3:30 in the morning, I woke up, this time to singing.

_"__Time to go to work. Work all night. Search for underpants, hey! We won't stop 'til we have underpants! Yum tum yummy tum tey!"_ the voices sang. I looked up to see what appeared to be living garden gnomes opening my underwear drawer and stealing my underwear. I got out of bed, facing the gnomes.

"Oh shit! He's awake!" one of the gnomes cried, cutting off the song, "This kid is awake!" The gnomes, who had been standing on each other's heads, got into a row and faced me.

"What the fuck do we do?" another gnome asked.

The lead gnome sighed. "Well, fuck. I guess we gotta kill him." he said, and the group of gnomes lunged at me. I looked at them oddly, smacking them away with my hand.

"He's too big! We can't beat him!" one of the gnomes cried, getting up. As the gnomes huddled to discuss how to deal with me, I walked over to my toy chest and pulled out my Dragonfang and crossbow. When I went back to my previous place, the gnomes were still discussing how to deal with me.

"Well," one of the gnomes began, "If you can't beat 'em, SHRINK 'em!" he exclaimed, pointing to me, "Get him, Warlock!"

At that command, a fatter gnome with a beard wearing a bird's skull on his head approached. He had red writing all over his body. He was holding a pencil with a small bone and feather stuck to it. He took out a pouch and threw some dust on me, reducing me to the gnomes' size.

Now, with the odds in their favor (since they out-numbered me), the gnomes attacked me again. They lunged at me, telling me how "fucked" I was. However, despite my smaller size, I was not to be underestimated. I held out my Dragonfang, the flames covering the blade filling the otherwise-dark room with a haunted glow. With one slash, I knocked out two of the four gnomes, the burns overwhelming them. The other two, realizing they were in trouble, leapt backward, preparing a blizzard spell that would've frozen me in my tracks, had my Dragonfang's flame not been stronger. Narrowing my eyes, I lunged at the other two gnomes, knocking them out the same way.

"Run away!" the gnomes cried, escaping into a mouse-hole in my room.

"God dammit! Get back here and change me back!" I mentally screamed as I ran in after them.

Inside the walls of my house, I was amazed by the number of rats living there. _This house was supposed to be new, right?_ All of the rats looked at me with red, hungry eyes. One of them charged at me, but I hid behind a mouse trap, killing the rat and showering myself in blood. I managed to use the sparks from a few exposed wires to kill the others by burning them. I also blew a few up with magic, because fuck rats.

As I headed after the gnomes, I reached an air vent that led to my parents' room. They were talking about me.

"Maybe we should tell him the truth." my mother was saying.

"Why? So he can relive it all in his head?" my father asked incredulously, "It's better if he can't remember."

"But if he really has this…gift, then he's gonna discover it on his own anyway." my mother argued.

"And then they'll try to use his power and he'll become a weapon." my father replied, "No. It's better to just keep everything a secret, even from him."

_Are my parents completely stupid?! What makes them think that I could ever forget about something as traumatic as the event my "power" brought me? I mean, Jesus Christ, man! I'm reminded of my power every time I look in the mirror and see the scar on my eye!_

"I'm just so confused!" my mother sighed, her head in her hands, "Will you just…make love to me?"

"Of course, honey." my father replied all-too-willingly.

_Oh god. I don't need to see that._ I turned away, continuing to chase the gnomes. Still, even as I made my way through the walls of my house, I could hear my parents going at it. I shuddered.

I eventually caught up with the gnomes, who were now stealing my parents' underwear.

"Damn! This kid is STILL following us!" one of the gnomes cried.

"He won't stop until he finds a way to return to normal size!" another stated.

"That means he's coming after you, Warlock!" the third warned the fatter one, who swore and ran. I made to follow, but the other three gnomes blocked my path. I growled, getting sick of these pointless battles, and used my blade to slash all three of them at once. With them out of the way, I ran after the warlock.

"Shit! Stop following me!" he yelled, running over to my parents' bed, where my parents were doing it doggy-style.

"You've got to be kidding me." I thought as I followed him.

"Fine!" the warlock yelled when he saw that I had followed him, "You asked for it! Now feel the wrath of a High Gnome Warlock!"

I held out Dragonfang, wondering how my parents didn't notice us DIRECTLY UNDERNEATH THEM. The warlock and I collided, our weapons clashing. He tried to use magic to shrink my underwear, but I countered with Dragonshout. Stunned, the warlock staggered backward, allowing me to strike him with my blade, creating painful burns. As he cringed in pain, he glanced behind him and suddenly dove to the side, crying, "It's coming right for us!"

I looked up to see something that was even more scarring than the kidnapping incident. My father's balls were swinging low, heading directly for me. I jumped up, back-flipping out of harm's way. _That's gonna give me nightmares for a long time._

When I could be sure that I was no longer in danger, I looked to see the warlock standing shakily across from me, holding out his pencil-staff. I readied my sword, but then my eyes widened as I dove toward the gnome.

"Hey, what are you-?" he asked before I pushed him off the bed, right as my parents collapsed, panting.

"Wow! Thanks, kid!" the warlock thanked me gratefully, "Maybe you're not the heartless monster we thought you were."

I blinked, looking at the pouch that had shrunk me. The warlock followed my gaze and sighed.

"Well, I guess I owe ya one, kid." he said as he handed me the punch, "Now you can turn yourself big or small whenever you want."

I nodded in thanks before gesturing to the underpants, silently asking him why they were stealing people's underwear in the first place.

"Oh, we need the underpants in order to keep the green goo out of our underground world." the warlock explained, "You see, the green goo is actually…"

I held up my hand, indicating that I already knew what the green goo was. Once I led the gnome back to my room, I retrieved my phone and typed out a message, showing it to the warlock.

"W-What?!" he exclaimed, not entirely believing what he was reading, "Would you really be willing to help us?" I nodded, typing out another message. "Y-You were the one who brought down the alien spaceship?!" When I nodded, the warlock crossed his arms. "Alright. We need five more pairs of underpants in order to meet our quota. Here's the list of houses we need them from."

I looked at the list, sighing. Kevin and Stan's house would be no problem (Kevin's not a threat and Stan's at Kyle's house). Cartman's house wouldn't be a problem either, since I could sneak past his mother in the same way I got past my parents. The only problem was the pair I needed from Kyle's house. However, I'm sure Stan would be willing to cooperate if I informed him of the situation, which I could do easily with telepathy. I turned to the warlock and nodded, perching myself on my windowsill and signaling for the gnome to ride on my shoulder. With the gnome situated, I jumped out of the window, moving silently through the night as I headed to the specified houses.

After sneaking through Kevin, Stan, and Cartman's houses, I approached Kyle's house. And there, at the door, was Stan, in his pajamas, holding a pair of Kyle's underwear, just as I had requested.

"Do you ever rest, Sage?" he asked me as the gnome took the underpants. The gnome then returned to his underground world, his job complete. I sighed, placing my hand on my head, directly over my scarred eye. Stan walked up to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"You need to rest." he told me, "Kyle and I have researched Clyde's fortress, and it's gonna require reinforcements. I have a feeling that your ability to make friends and earn people's trust is gonna be needed in this venture."

I nodded, sighing again as I prepared to return home. However, before I could, Stan stopped me.

"Sage." he said, his voice wary, "If you don't mind me asking, why are you covered in blood?"

I looked at myself. I had forgotten about that rat I had killed. Rubbing my temple, I place my hand on Stan's forehead and activated second-stage telepathy; memory sharing. Stan's eyes widened at all that had happened to me that night.

"Wow." was all he said, shuddering at the mental images, "I don't envy you, dude."

I rolled my eyes, reminding my friend and fellow messenger that his boyfriend was waking up, and that he'd be wondering where he was. Stan nodded, going back inside.

I turned back toward my house, making a quick stop to see someone I hadn't seen for many years first. By the time I had returned home, it was already 6:30. I only had about 2 ½ more hours to sleep, so I took a shower and climbed back into bed, gathering all of my strength for the final battle with Clyde.


	21. The Girls

I woke up to the sun shining in my eyes again. My room must be facing the east. I opened my eyes and looked at my phone. 9:30. I got up and changed back into my thief costume, equipping my Dragonfang and crossbow. As I headed downstairs, I received a message on my Facebook page. It was from Stan, who was informing me of a meeting in the Elven Forest. Every human and elf was required to attend. I blinked, heading out and making my way to Kyle's house. Butters met me outside, wanting to know how I was feeling, since I had used the sight in my battle against Cartman. After assuring him that I was fine, and that I had not betrayed the humans as a whole, we headed to the Elven Forest together.

When we got there, we saw that all of the humans and elves (minus Craig) were sitting in rows in front of Kyle's platform, with Kyle standing in front with a projector and a smart board.

"I see Butters and Commander Douchebag have decided to grace us with their presence." Kyle announced when he noticed us, sounding vaguely annoyed at our tardiness. As we took our seats, he turned on the projector.

"Humans and Elves of Zaron, a great evil has descended upon us. After researching last night, I believe we are facing a threat to our entire world."

The slide turned, displaying a picture of Clyde's fortress.

"Clyde's Fortress of Darkness is over four stories tall. So far, he has recruited at least 50 warriors to be on his team, including one of the humans." Kyle explained, going over the threat of Clyde's new army. Tweek looked dead on the inside. Butters patted his friend's shoulder, trying to comfort him.

Suddenly, Cartman started chuckling to himself, making Kyle stop his presentation.

"You have something to say, Wizard?" Kyle barked irritably. Cartman just laughed again.

"Uh, nothing! Just think it's funny how drow elves in the Middle Ages can use Powerpoint." he said, snickering.

Kyle was beginning to lose patience (admittedly, he didn't have much to begin with). "Guys, this is serious! Clyde is attempting to raise an army of darkness. I believe he is messing with something he cannot control. He has recruited many of our friends, and so, our only hope is for our two factions…to join forces." he said gravely.

Immediately, the whole yard erupted in chaos.

"What?! Team up with elves?!"

"I'd rather die than ally myself with some disgusting humans!"

"I dare you to say that again!"

"FUCK THAT!" Cartman bellowed above the other voices, "We do not team up with fucking elves!"

"You got a better idea, Wizard Fatass?" Stan challenged the Wizard in his boyfriend's defense.

"After what you elves did to us at the Battle of Wormsly Woods?! You think we'll ever trust you again?!" Butters called out angrily. I remember him telling me something about that. Something about a "brown note".

"That was Jimmy's fault, and he apologized." Stan replied.

"Oh-Oh, we're apologizing now?!" Cartman retorted angrily, "How about we apologize for breaking the rule about using arcane fire magic?!"

"Yeah!" Token agreed.

"Hey! That was the humans' rule, not ours!" the Elf King's other guard defended.

"Join forces my paladin ass!" Butters yelled, crossing his arms and looking at the ground, "Only good elf is a dead elf!"

"Why don't you s-s-suck my elven d-dick, Butters?" Jimmy responded, although he looked slightly nervous (probably because of me. Wonder why.)

Butters turned back to the Bard angrily, about to retort, but I placed my hand on his shoulder. I knew that the Battle of Wormsly Wood incident really upset him, but fighting wasn't going to solve anything. Kyle seemed to be of the same mindset.

"Enough!" he yelled, slamming his golf club on the platform and calling everyone's attention back to him, "Whether we are human or elf isn't going to matter ONE BIT if all of Zaron is taken over by German zombies! We saw what that green stuff does." I felt a twinge of guilt as Kyle continued, "We BETTER find a way to stop Clyde or there won't be a world to fight in!"

Stan looked at the ground. "Even if we join forces, we don't have enough warriors." he said cynically.

"So we recruit more factions." the Elf King replied, used to dealing with Stan's cynicism (he had apparently been diagnosed with the "Cynical Asshole" syndrome when he turned ten, although he seemed to be able to keep it at bay with a little bit of whiskey), "The Pirates, the Federation, and-" Kyle paused, looking around, with an apologetic look at his boyfriend. "The Girls."

Everyone's jaws dropped.

"The GIRLS?!" Butters exclaimed disbelievingly.

"Kyle, the Girls aren't going to fucking play with us!" Cartman stated, as if it were the dumbest suggestion in the world.

"Yeah, dude, we can't convince Girls to do this." Stan agreed, as if half-heartedly trying to get his boyfriend to reconsider. No doubt he already knew about this plan, and that his objections had already been shut down. _Wonder why he's so against playing with girls._

"No, but maybe the New Kid can." Kyle replied to the objection. Everyone in the yard turned to me. "The New Kid has a power we have yet to understand. He makes friends on Facebook faster than any we have seen."

I looked down, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Butters noticed this, and discreetly put his hand on my arm.

"He is really good at getting Facebook friends, I'll give him that." Cartman admitted, not liking to give me credit for anything (not surprising, considering all of the times I had blatantly disobeyed him).

"Find a way to get the Girls to side with us, Commander Douchebag." Kyle ordered me, his expression serious, "I'll deal with the other factions." He then turned to the rest of the kids. "The rest of you, return to your stations and prepare for war!"

"HUZZAH!" everyone cried in unison before getting up and taking their chairs back inside. I followed suit before heading out the door, trying to think of a way to get the girls to join the army. Butters, as always, accompanied me.

I wandered around town, trying to figure out how to FIND the girls (I almost never see them around). As Butters and I walked past City Hall, I noticed some girls who looked a bit older than me picking on a girl who was about my age.

"Hey! Give that back!" the younger girl cried, reaching for a Justin Bieber doll that the bullies were throwing around.

"Why don't you make us?" one of the bullies challenged.

"That's my Justin Bieber toy!" the girl cried, tears appearing in her eyes.

"Not anymore, it's not." another bully replied. That's when the girls noticed me and Butters.

"Who's this?" the third bully asked, her voice hostile.

"This is Commander Douchebag!" Butters "introduced" me, "And he's gonna teach you what happens when you're mean to people!"

The bullies smirked, punching the palms of their hands. "We'll see about that." the leader said, approaching us. I sighed, drawing my sword and slashing at the three, just barely missing them.

"What the-!" one of the girls gasped, eyes widening at the sight of my blade, "This kid has a sword!"

"Shit! He means business!" another one yelled.

"Screw this!" the leader yelled, clearly fearing for her life. I didn't blame her. If there's one thing in this world I can't stand, it's a bully. She dropped the toy and took off, the other two following after her. The fourth grade girl picked up the toy, making sure it worked.

"Oh, I hope they didn't break it." she said as she pulled a string on its back. When the song "Baby" started playing (and my ears started bleeding), the girl sighed with relief. "Whew. Thanks. I owe you one, kid." She smiled at me. Butters stepped a bit closer, giving off a slightly intimidating aura. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and just handed the girl the note that Kyle had given me.

"What's this?" she asked as she looked at the piece of paper, "The boys want us to play with them?" She thought about this for a second, then said hesitantly, "Well, I do owe you one. I'll take you to the girls, but I don't think they'll be too willing to play with boys."

I nodded, looking at Butters.

"I'm sorry. He can't come." the girl (Annie, according to the new friend request on Facebook) said.

"But-" Butters began to object, but I stopped him. He looked at me in hurt and confusion, but I placed a hand on his shoulder, assuring him that I'd be fine and that, as the New Kid, I'd be interesting to the girls, making them more likely to listen to the request. He still looked a little bit upset, so I squeezed his hand, assuring him that I wasn't into girls. He finally relented, nodding in understanding and agreeing to wait there. With that issue settled, I turned back to Annie, who, unable to understand my special method of communication, was looking at us in confusion.

"Are you ready to go?" she asked. When I nodded, she pulled out a strip of purple cloth, using it to blindfold me. I heard a low growl, which likely came from Butters, but if Annie had heard it too, she ignored it, leading me away.

After about ten minutes, in which Annie chatted about random girls stuff and I tuned her out and tried (unsuccessfully) to figure where we were going, I heard a door open, and I was led into a room. Once the door was closed, Annie removed the blindfold, revealing an almost-completely pink room that was set up somewhat like a court room, with rows of desks on both sides of the room and three desks at the front, one of them above the other two. At every desk sat a fourth grade girl. They were having a meeting of sorts, which they apparently did a lot, since there were various lists like "10 least favorite girls" and "10 cutest boys (revised)", covering the walls. From the looks of things, I had been brought in right as the meeting was getting underway.

"The 412th meeting of the girls is hereby called to order." a girl with long black hair and a purple hat who was sitting at the top front desk announced. She then said, "Sparkle sparkle!" while slamming her gavel on the desk. All of the other girls yelled "Sunshine!" in response. A girl sitting at one of the lower front desks stood up.

"Sunshine! Sparkle! Millie Larson has the floor!" she called, sitting back down. A girl in one of the rows that I recognized as the girl who had friended me on Facebook the second she had seen me spoke.

"If it pleases and sparkles, I move that we vote _immediately_ on the urgent matter involving Monica Ryland." Millie said to the group, who had yet to acknowledge my presence. All of the girls agreed. That's when Annie spoke up.

"Excuse me." she said, gaining the other girls' attention, "I'm sorry, but I have an urgent matter that I believe needs to be addressed first."

"The chair acknowledges Annie." the girls with the long black hair stated, with the girl below her following with, "Sunshine! Sparkle! Annie Knitts has the floor."

"If it pleases and sparkles, a messenger comes with a request from the boys." Annie announced, gesturing to me. _Pleases and sparkles?_

Several of the girls reacted with immediate disgust at the mention "boys". The chair, however, seemed unaffected by the disgust, and addressed me directly.

"What request do the boys ask of us?" she asked. I remained silent, trying to figure out why, although she wasn't disgusted at the idea of playing with boys, she seemed to be hiding some sort of…sorrow, maybe?

After a few moments of the girls staring at me expectantly, Annie spoke up. "He…doesn't really talk."

There was another moment of silence as the girls pondered this, before a girl with a red shirt and poofy blond hair stated, "That's hot."

"The boys are playing some new role-playing game, and the New Kid wants us to join his team." Annie answered for me.

"What?!" Millie exclaimed, "We don't have time for that! Something VERY big happened, and we MUST do something!"

"I know, I thought maybe he could help." Annie replied, earning a sideways glance from me. The room got quiet.

"Oh, that's not a bad idea." the blond said, "I glitter Annie's idea!" _Glitter?_

The girl below the chair stood up, announcing, "Sunshine! Sparkle! A motion has been glittered to have the New Kid help with Monica Ryland." The chair then addressed me directly.

"Alright, New Kid, look- there are terrible rumors going around that our good friend Allie Nelson was spotted at the abortion clinic."

"I've never been to the abortion clinic!" a girl with shoulder-length brown hair, presumably Allie, cried in defensive distress, "I'm not a whore!"

The chair, ignoring the interruption, continued, "We aren't sure, but we think the girl spreading the rumors about Allie is Monica Ryland."

"And then she has the gall to act all nice to me!" Allie growled angrily.

"We have to know for sure if Monica Ryland is a two-faced bitch or not." the chair said, "So, we're gonna send Monica a Facebook page with your picture and tell her that your Bebe's boyfriend from Lakewood and you want to meet her and ask what the best thing to get Bebe for her birthday would be and see of Monica tries to hit on you at all because that way, we can see if Monica is a manipulative bitch."

"Right!" the blond girl (Bebe, according to Facebook) agreed.

"Do this task for us, and the girls will _consider_ your request." the chair said, banging her gavel, "Sparkle!"

"Sunshine!" the girls chorused back, and Annie blindfolded me and led me out of the room.

I cringed. _So I have to pose as a girl's boyfriend, huh? Butters is not going to like this one bit. He's gotten very possessive ever since we started dating, and he's already shown distrust in the girls. I'd better explain this to him right away. At least a know how to discreetly check my phone quickly, so I know that the message wasn't public._

Once we returned to City Hall and the blindfold was removed, Butters ran up to me, babbling anxiously.

"Douchebag! Are you okay? What was their secret base like?" he asked me. I placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him down as Annie came up to us, giving me further instruction.

"Monica is waiting for you at the park." she told me, and I felt Butters tense, "All you have to do is pretend to be Bebe's long-distance boyfriend." And with that, she went back to playing with here Justin Bieber toy.

"Bebe's long-distance boyfriend?" Butters asked me as we began walking toward the park, jealousy coloring his voice bright green. I looked at him with a look that said, "It's just pretend. Chill."

When we got to the park (with Butters muttering something about how girls couldn't be trusted), there was a girl with dark brown hair in pigtails and freckles sitting on a bench. She waved when she saw me. _Show time._

"Oh hi. You must be Mike." she greeted me, patting the spot next to her. As I sat down, I was fully aware of Butters, who was hiding in the playground behind us, gritting his teeth.

"So…you wanna talk about Bebe, huh?" Monica asked, more than willing to talk about the other girl, "Well, look, Bebe's my friend. I think she's great. I don't know if she's the end-all, be-all of girls- I mean, she's a little two-faced if you ask me." Monica rambled, although I was only half-listening, focusing the rest of my attention on trying not to yawn. This is why I don't like hanging out with girls. All they do is talk smack about each other behind their backs. I started paying attention, however, when her tone became slightly flirtatious.

"But hey, I read a lot of your Facebook page, and I think you're a really interesting boy." she said, smiling and batting her eyelashes at me.

"Uh oh." I thought as I heard Butters growl from the playground. Luckily, before this conversation could continue, the leader of the girls, along with Bebe and another girl, showed up.

"Aha!" Bebe called out, "We knew it! You two-faced, manipulative whore!"

"What the heck?!" Monica exclaimed, frightened and confused.

"Thank God we sent the New Kid to spy on you, huh girls?" the leader said.

"Yeah!" the third girl, who had long red hair, yelled in agreement, "Now we KNOW you're a two-faced bitch!"

"Whaddya mean?!" Monica cried, her distress showing, "You guys are my best friends!"

"Then why are you hitting on MY Facebook boyfriend?" Bebe asked accusingly. _I'm not your Facebook boyfriend._ "We brought someone else who might be interested." She grinned maliciously. Right as she said that, a fifth-grade boy in a light blue sports shirt showed up.

"Monica, what the fuck are you doin'?" he asked angrily with a slight redneck accent.

"Uh oh." Monica muttered, waving at him guiltily, "Hey, Jake."

"Have fun, you two-faced skank." the leader almost sang, walking off with the other girls. Monica chased after them.

_Another reason I hate girls. They're so quick to turn on their friends._

Monica's boyfriend, Jake, then turned to me, growling, "What's the big idea trying to fuck my girlfriend?" He cracked his knuckles, looming over me. When I didn't answer, his hostility increased. "Nothing to say, huh? Well, maybe you'll understand THIS!" He pulled back his fist, preparing to punch me.

_Typical jock._ I reached behind me, grabbing the hilt of my sword. However, before I could, I heard a loud thud, and Jake collapsed. I looked up to see Butters standing behind him, gripping his hammer so tightly that his knuckles turned white.

"What's the big idea trying to hurt my boyfriend?" Butters snarled, his voice dripping with murderous intent. I smiled at him. I didn't really need the help, but I definitely appreciated it. My smile faded, however, when he looked at me sadly.

"I-I'm sorry." Butters said, looking at Jake on the ground, "I know you can handle yourself." There seemed to be something else bothering him, so I tilted my head in question.

"I know you said you love me, and that we could start dating, but…" Butters mumbled, his voice low and tears in his eyes, "You've only been here a couple of days, and now that all the girls are after you…" He trailed off and went silent, before saying in a voice that was practically a whimper, "I won't stand in your way."

_Oh, for the love of…!_ I growled at Butters, startling him, and grabbed his hand, roughly dragging him into the woods outside of South Park. It was called the Lost Forest, and no one entered because it was rumored that there was no way out. The kids, however, knew the tricks to the Forest. Despite that, even they rarely ventured very far into it.

"S-Sage! What are you doing?! If our parents find us here, we'd be grounded for sure!" Butters cried, struggling to get out of my grip.

Once we were deep enough into the Forest that I felt confident no one would see us, I stopped and turned to Butters, pinning him to a tree.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry I upset y-y-you! P-Please don't h-hurt me!" Butters sobbed, still struggling against my grip as he continued to ramble on about how sorry he was. His rant was cut short, however, when I roughly slammed my mouth against his, forcing my tongue into his mouth. His eyes widened in shock, and I looked into them, daring him to doubt my love for him again. After a moment, his eyes closed as he wrapped his arms around my neck, moaning into the kiss. I pressed him against the tree, emphasizing my possessive desire, and he held onto me tighter in response. After a furious make-out session, I released his mouth, but I didn't let him off the tree. Instead, I rested my forehead against his, staring fiercely into his sky-blue eyes again, which were clouded by the intensity of our passion.

"NEVER doubt me again." I growled, my voice rough with anger and lust. Butters just nodded, still in a daze. I nodded in acceptance. "Good. Now that that's taken care of, let's go report to the girls so they'll join our fight."

I finally let go of Butters and began to head south, toward South Park. However, before I could get far, Butters pulled me back, capturing my mouth once more.

"Thank you, Sage." he whispered, embracing me and burying his face in my neck, "I love you."

"I love you too, Butters." I whispered back, holding him more gently this time, "And I promise, I won't let anyone else seduce me." I then muttered under my breath, "Like that bitch ever could've to begin with." Butters, his ear being right next to my mouth, heard this, and laughed softly.

"You better." he muttered into my neck. He then let me go, stating cheerfully, "Well, come on then, Sage! We have to convince the girls to play with us so we can get the Stick back from Clyde!"

I nodded, glad that Butters was back to his optimistic self. However, as we headed back out of the Forest, hand-in-hand, I couldn't shake the feeling that the trials the girls had in store for me were only just beginning.


	22. Cross Dressing (taken WAY too far)

Once we returned to Annie, she thanked me for my help and, after a brief comment about how disheveled Butters and I looked (Butters turned bright red and began stuttering, although my expression never changed), she blindfolded me again, taking me back to the secret base.

"New Kid, we want to thank you for helping us determine whether or not Monica was a two-faced bitch." the chair thanked me, before explaining, "She really made us mad, but it turns out she couldn't have been the one spreading rumors about Allie Nelson going to the abortion clinic."

"Yeah, so we made up!" the redhead said.

"You guys are the best!" Monica said happily. I had to resist facepalming.

The chair continued her explanation. "You see, the thing is, Heidi Turner was SUPPOSED to put on the Facebook page that you were Bebe's boyfriend, but she didn't!"

"Because Heidi Turner is a two-faced bitch who says she likes me, then tries to stab me in the back!" Monica said angrily.

"Right!" the chair agreed, "So we need to know if Heidi Turner is the two-faced bitch who's spreading rumors about Allie being spotted at the abortion clinic. But in order to do that…" She paused, looking around at all the other girls, who nodded, "We need people to think you're a girl."

"WHAT?!" I mentally screamed as the girls cried, "Makeover!"

As they dragged me to the very back of their base, I managed to text Butters to warn him that his boyfriend was about to temporarily become his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to read his reply, however, because shortly after my message was sent, the girls started putting some super-slutty clothes on me (REALLY short shorts and a tank top that covered my chest and not much else) and topped it off with a red ponytail wig with a blue-green ribbon and pink high heels.

"You look gorgeous!" the chair said, smiling at me.

"I'll have to borrow that later!" the redhead giggled.

"Here, just one more touch…" Bebe hummed as she put some light blue eyeshadow on me, "Aaaaaaannnnnnd….Perfect!" She stood back, admiring her handiwork.

"Whaddya think girls?" the chair asked, "Is he ready?"

"Yeah!" the other girls cried excitedly, leading me out of the base, not even bothering to blindfold me this time (turns out their base is actually where the girls' bathroom in the park is supposed to be).

"I just hope no one recognizes me." I thought as we made our way to the abortion clinic, where I had told Butters to wait for us. When he first saw us, he didn't recognize me. However, my signature look of apathy, combined with the fact that I was the only "girl" he didn't recognize, gave me away, and he turned red, covering his mouth in a desperate attempt to contain his laughter. _I'll make him pay for that later._

"Alright, New Kid." the chair told me, "Get inside the clinic and find the records room. Take a picture of all the records for the past week and text them to us. That will help us find out who the two-faced bitch is. I'm sure you can appreciate why none of us can do this." _Sadly, I can. It's the only reason I'm putting up with this humiliation._

"If any of us are spotted in there, people will think we're sluts like Jessica Rodriguez." Bebe said. Right as she said that, a Hispanic girl in a red dress came up to us.

"Hi guys." she said, her tone friendly.

"Hey, Jessie!" the other girls said in greeting, putting on their friendly faces.

"What are you up to?" Jessica asked curiously.

"Oh, nothing." Bebe replied, "Just trying to find out which of our friends is a two-faced bitch!"

"Cool!" Jessica replied, "Well, see you around!" She then walked off, although I did notice that she added me as a friend on Facebook.

"Awesome!" the chair called, before muttering under her breath, "Skank."

_Right. Because that's not two-faced at all._

"Alright, now go in there and get into the records room." Bebe said seriously. I nodded, turning to the clinic.

"Wow." Butters said when the girls had left, "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Next to a real girl, that is." he added, laughing. I just glared at him, dragging him in with me. "Wait a minute, why do I have to go in?"

I looked at him. _Because you're my boyfriend._ I smirked, grabbing his hand and holding it. I kept it there as we went up to the reception desk.

"Oh, are you here for an abortion?" the nice woman behind the counter asked me. I nodded, gripping Butters' hand and looking nervous. The woman smiled at me. "Don't worry, the first one is always the scariest. Take room A, second door to your left." she said, nodding her head toward the door. When I didn't let go of Butters' hand, she added, "I'm sorry, your lover will have to wait out here."

"L-Lover?" Butters stuttered, gulping, his face turning bright red. I turned to him, grabbing his hands, a look of feigned nervousness on my face. Butters, finally catching what I was doing, wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close.

"Don't worry, babe." he said gently, looking into my eyes as he rested his forehead against mine, "I'll be waiting right here." I smiled, kissing him gently, and he responded in kind, both of us ignoring the "Aww" that came from the reception desk. We separated and I went in, heading for room A. When I got there, the doctor was waiting for me.

"Hi, I'm Doctor Poonlover." the doctor introduced himself, "Get up in the chair and this won't take long at all."

As I walked up to the chair, the doctor looked at me more closely. "Hey…little young to be having an abortion, aren't we?" he asked, and I gulped, worrying the plan would fail. Fortunately, he just shrugged. "It's okay, we have a booster seat." he said, placing a pink, flowery seat onto the chair. I climbed onto it, wondering why an ABORTION CLINIC would have a BOOSTER SEAT handy.

The doctor pulled down my pants and held the vacuum to my anus.

"Alright, just sit back and we'll get that fuck-trash taken right out." He said, attempting to vacuum my asshole. Not wanting him to discover my anal probe (and because that vacuum HURT), I clenched my sphincter, just like I had done on the alien space ship. After a struggle, the vacuum couldn't hold out anymore and broke.

"What the…?" Dr. Poonlover muttered in shock, "…wow. Never seen THAT before. You burned out the vacuum. I'm gonna have to get this thing fixed. Be back in a minute." He then left the room, muttering something about imagining "a dick that could get into that tight pussy".

I got off the chair and, looking around the room, noticed a doctor's clothing. The Records Room is guarded by a camera that recognizes doctors by their clothing. As I prepared to enter Phase 2 of the girl's new plan for finding the two-faced bitch, I headed out of the room, taking off my slutty clothes and make-up. As I stood in front of the Records Room, there was one thought that continues to plague my mind, even to this day.

"How do you mistake a nine-year-old boy's asshole for a vagina?"


	23. As if regular zombies weren't bad enough

After putting on the doctor outfit (which was WAY too big for me), the camera allowed me access into the Records Room. Once inside, I found the records for this year, pulled out the ones for this week, and took a picture of them. I noticed that they were written in French, but that didn't concern me. My job was to get the records to the girls, nothing more. Once I put the records back, I suddenly heard movement coming from the back of the room. I looked up in time to see Randy Marsh falling from behind some shelves. _What's HE doing here?_

"Huh…it's YOU! Oh, thank God!"

_And, more importantly, HOW did he recognize me?_

Randy walked over to me. "Something STRANGE is going on here!" _No shit._ "The PTA reviewed that tape you gave us. The Taco Bell has something called a "Plan B". They've been looking through these records. But why would they be interested in the gynecological files of the women in South Park?" he wondered out loud.

_I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the green goo that turns people into Nazi Zombies, or did the PTA not "review" that much of the tape?_

Before Randy could continue, two government agents appeared in the doorway. One of them was pointing a gun at us..

"I'm afraid now you know too much." one of them said dangerously, bringing a radio to his mouth and speaking into it, "We've got two more asking a lot of questions."

The voice on the other end of the line replied, "Deal with them _quietly_. We can't let anyone know what we were doing there."

The agent did not verbally reply, merely lowering the radio and raising his gun toward us, preparing to fire. Randy held up his hands.

"Before you kill us, tell us why! Why is Taco Bell taking records of women's vaginas in South Park?" he asked desperately.

Suddenly, a device that the second agent was holding started beeping.

"I'm picking up some hot readings on the PEGI." he said as the first agent looked at him worriedly.

"Tell us!" Randy persisted, "What do women's vaginas and Doritos Locos Tacos have in common?!" I snickered.

The government agents continued to ignore us. "The PEGI is going crazy!" the agent holding "Peggy" cried in alarm. The other agent looked around frantically.

"Oh SHIT! There's an outbreak here!" he cried, yelling commands into his radio, "We have contamination in Sector 7. All units to Sector 7 NOW!"

"Well, isn't this just SUPER." I thought sarcastically, crossing my arms and tapping my foot, "More zombies and moronic government agents to deal with. The Fates must have some serious grudge against me."

The agent that had been holding Peggy pulled out a gun as more agents and military soldiers filed in.

"Secure the entire building!" he yelled, "Put that woman in restraints!"

As a nurse was restrained (unnecessarily), Dr. Poonlover came running in. "What's going on?!" he cried.

"Taco Bell security." one of the agents, who was holding a machine gun, answered, "Your clinic is infected with the Nazi Zombie virus."

"Nazi zombies? That's ridiculous!" Dr. Poonlover cried, before adding in an offended tone, "AND bigoted! I happen to BE German!" _Bad move, pal._

"He's one of them!" the agent cried, turning his gun on the doctor and mowing him down. The nurse screamed before fainting.

The doctor turned to me and Randy and managed to choke out, "Tell people…what you saw here today." Before dying in a pool of his own blood. Randy gulped, sneaking past the agents and into another room. I looked around and, noticing a mouse hole, shrank myself and climbed through it. Before continuing, I noticed a message on my Facebook wall. It was from Stan.

**Watch out, dude. A bunch of soldiers just blocked off the clinic. We'll find some other way to get to you.**

I smiled. _Butters. He must have gone to get help the moment the soldiers took the clinic. I knew I could count on him._

The moment I entered the mouse hole, I was faced with several rats and gnomes. All of them had been zombified. _Super._ As I tried to figure out how to get past the mini zombies, I heard a bunch of soldiers marching above me. I grinned, an idea forming in my head. Pulling out my arrows, I shot one of the pipes in the floor. The soldiers, predictably, shot madly into the floor, killing all of the rats and gnomes. I smirked triumphantly, making my way through the air vent. I'm such a genius.

Crawling out of an outlet, I came into a room where a woman was sitting in a chair, waiting for a doctor. No, scratch that. I came into a room where _Randy_, who was dressed like a woman, was sitting in a chair, waiting, most likely, for me. I resumed normal size, wondering what he had planned.

"Shhhh!" he shushed me (not that I had said anything) as two government agents entered the room, ordering us not to move as they held us at gunpoint.

"Oh!" Randy cried in a high-pitch voice, "What's going on? I-I'm just here for an abortion." He then pretended to just notice me there. "Oh, there you are, doctor! I'm ready when you are!" _What?_ The government agents looked at each other as Randy continued his act. "Is this gonna hurt, doctor? Tee hee."

"There's something fishy going on here." one of the agents whispered to the other, "I think they might be Nazi Zombies…"

"Yeah, because we're total wearing swastikas and shouting at you in German as our skin turns green." I thought sarcastically as the agents challenged me.

"We'll SEE if you're a real doctor. Give her an abortion. Do it!" the agent ordered. Randy looked at me as I climbed onto a nearby stool.

"Oh, goodness!" he cried, sounding unsure all of a sudden. _Hey, don't look at me. You're the one who dressed up like a woman in an abortion clinic. Oh wait…_

I looked at the tray next to me. There was a syringe containing a green fluid that I assumed was anesthetic (Dr. Poonlover had contemplated using it when he tried to give me an abortion before muttering that it would be over before I could feel a thing), a metal rod used for dilation (the doctor hadn't used that on me because he was "afraid of tearing me apart"), and the vacuum was next to the tray. I pulled on some gloves. This could get messy.

First, I took the syringe and injected the green fluid into Randy's balls (which I was pretty sure he'd want numbed for this).

"Ow! My balls!" he cried, before remembering the government agents in the doorway, "M-Malls…my malls…my favorite shopping malls all close at five, doctor, can we please hurry this up?"

Ignoring his comments, I took the metal rod and dilated Randy's anus, which made him shudder, although it was hard to tell if it was out of discomfort or, dare I say it, excitement. I shuddered (not visibly), before returning to the unpleasant task at hand. _Now, the fun part…_

I picked up the vacuum, Randy encouraging me as I did so. I have to admire his brave (or stupid) amount of trust in me. After all, he was willing to let a NINE-YEAR-OLD KID perform an abortion on him, and he wasn't even the appropriate gender for it. Placing the vacuum around his crotch area, I pretended to suck out a fetus, occasionally having to stop suction when the vacuum snagged Randy's balls. After a little while, I stopped suction completely, glancing toward the government agents, who were still watching.

"He did it!" one of them exclaimed. The other one nodded in acceptance.

"Alright, so he IS a real doctor." I had to suppress a WTF look.

Suddenly, the lights began flickering. The agents, along with Randy and I, looked around.

"What the hell?" one of the agents said, running into the hallway before exclaiming, "Oh shit! Clear the building! This area has been compromised!" The other agent ordered Randy and I to get out of the building before running off as well. I got off of the stool and looked at Randy, but he told me that it would be a while before he could walk again, so I should go on without him. I just shrugged.

As I stood in the doorway, just out of sight, the agents looked around frantically as they heard one of the nurses scream. The lead agent turned to one of his men, asking, "Matthews…where did you find the alien goo?"

"Broken vials were in the trash cans, sir." another agent answered, looking concerned. The leader stood still, pondering the report.

"What could have come into contact with it in the trash cans of an abortion clinic?" he asked, right as a high-pitched voice shouted in German.

_Oh no… Please God, no…_

Suddenly, a small, pale green fetus broke through a nearby door, several others behind it. They all had swastikas on their arms. _Super._ I ducked behind the wall as the soldiers began firing wildly. When the gunshots stopped, I looked to see all of the agents and soldiers dead, with the zombified fetuses sucking blood from their necks. I thought I was about to throw up (which is saying something, especially coming from a kid who just faked an abortion on a middle-aged man), when, suddenly, the ceiling around an air vent above me caved in and a welcome voice called out, "Sage!"

"Butters!" I thought, never happier to see my boyfriend.

Sure enough, Butters' head appeared in the air vent. "I'm here for ya, buddy!" he called to me, before his hand started to slip. "God dammit!" he yelled as he fell. Luckily, I caught him, pulling him into a hug. After all the crap I'd had to go through in that clinic, it was good to see someone so comfortingly familiar, not to mention beautiful. Once I released him, Butters looked around, confused.

"Look at that little fella!" Butters said when he saw a zombified fetus, "Are those little babies sucking blood?"

I grabbed Butters' hand, ignoring his question, and pulled him toward the exit. However, it was blocked by a pile of rubble and bodies.

"Dammit!" I thought, looking around for another way out. Unfortunately, the only path I could see required whoever was taking it to be the size of a mouse. _Or an underpants gnome._

I pulled out the pouch containing the gnome powder, showing it to Butters.

"Hm? What is that, Sage?' he asked me.

I said nothing, as usual, grabbing some of the seemingly-limitless supply of dust and throwing it over Butters and myself.

"Woah!" Butters cried in amazement, "Neato!" He started examining himself. "I'm smaller than Eric's brain!" he laughed. I allowed myself a chuckle, which made Butters grin at me.

Looking around, I noticed that, to my smaller perspective, the objects in an open fridge formed a ladder that we could use to get to an air vent. Reaching the air vent, I shot an arrow to kill some zombified rats that were in front of it. I walked along the pipe line, killing some baby Nazi Zombie rats as I went (they didn't even put up a fight). Through the gaps in the pipe, I could see the soldiers firing wildly at the zombified fetuses that were attacking them.

"Ahhh! Babies are eating my brain!" one of the agents screamed, collapsing as a fetus chewed on his head.

"Man, it's like a holocaust out there." Butters said, looking out at the death and destruction. He didn't seem too bothered by it, but I pulled him along, not letting him look at it for too long. Soon, we reached an opening and climbed out.

Back on the floor, we looked to see an automatic machine gun, which was focused on a glowing red circle on the floor. Two zombified fetuses dropped from the ceiling and crawled into the circle, where they were immediately mowed down.

"Well, that was a lovely demonstration." I thought, looking for another way through.

"I'll take a bullet for you, Sage!" Butters declared bravely. I glared at him, and he grinned sheepishly. "I guess that wouldn't stop all the other bullets, huh?"

I just rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand. It had become clear to me that we were going to have to shut off and destroy the gun. Looking around, I noticed a dead soldier holding a grenade, which I used my arrows to detonate, clearing a pile of flesh and rubble around an alien antenna.

"Damn!" I thought as I tried to teleport to the area behind the turret, "Out of range. We've gotta find another way."

Much of the path was blocked by water flowing from a broken pipe, and the zombified fetuses patrolled much of the area.

"We've got to shut off that water." I thought, tapping my chin as I looked at the mini-waterfall. I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked at Butters, who was looking at a hole in the wall. Through the hole was a gauge. Teleporting to the gauge (which my smaller size allowed me to do), I noticed that it controlled the water pressure. I smiled at Butters, who was grinning proudly, and turned off the water.

With the pipe clear, I figured out that I could teleport into it, which led me to a weakness in the ceiling above the turret. One shot from my arrow and the ceiling collapsed onto the turret, destroying it. A Cup-a-Spell from me destroyed the barrier along with the gun, clearing the path.

After passing through the blockade (and the fetuses waiting behind it), we reached the lobby. It was covered in blood and dead bodies. Two soldiers stood in the middle of the room, looking around.

"That's it! That's it!" one of them called, "The area is secure! Code Green!"

"It's not secure!" a weak voice rasped. I looked to see Dr. Poonlover, who was now leaning against the wall. Apparently, he still had some life left in him. The soldiers didn't hear him.

"The outbreak is contained!" the other called into a radio.

"It's not contained!" the doctor, the last of his strength fading, cried out desperately. The soldiers looked at him in confusion.

"What the hell are you talking about?" one of them asked, sounding vaguely annoyed that the doctor wasn't dead yet.

"It's not contained!" the doctor repeated, coughing up blood, "Y-You don't understand! Khloe Kardashian was here this morning." He coughed again, clutching his stomach, "She had…the biggest abortion I've ever seen…" he coughed again, and this time, when his eyes rolled back into his head, I knew that he was gone. Plus the fact that he shit his pants.

As the doctor slumped against the wall, the building began shaking. Suddenly, as the soldiers, plus Butters and myself, looked around frantically, a massive pale green fetus, larger than either of the soldiers, burst into the room. The soldiers attempted to kill it, but everyone knows that the government specifically selects people with horrible aim, so they missed every shot. The massive fetus tore both soldiers apart before turning to me and Butters.

"Oh hamburgers…" Butters muttered, grabbing his hammer. I tore off my doctor outfit, revealing my thief costume underneath (Hooray for anime logic!), and pulled out my sword.

El Feto Grande reared its head, blasting a stream of vomit at us. _That's nasty._ I raised my sword, preparing to strike, when a blinding pain shot through my back, causing me to fall to my knees, coughing up blood. _Is it scary that I'm beginning to get used to that metallic flavor?_ I looked back to see what had struck me and saw…the umbilical cord?! _As if fighting the baby wasn't bad enough, I have to worry about the umbilical cord too?!_

"Sage!" Butters cried, bringing his hammer down on the cord and driving it back, "You're hurt!"

I smiled (as best I could, considering the blood still trickling from my mouth), and signaled for him to take out the umbilical cord. He looked at me with concern, but obeyed, focusing his anger on the thing that had wounded me. With the cord out of the way, I focused on the main body.

El Feto Grande turned to me, screaming in anger and shooting another stream of vomit at me. I jumped above the attack, bringing my flaming blade down on its head. The fetus shrieked, the fire causing serious damage. I jumped back, firing an electrified arrow, which caused the fetus to convulse wildly. I leapt up again, bringing out several knives and tossing them into my opponent before using my Morning Star (a spiked ball on a chain) to drive the knives deep into the flesh, causing major internal damage. Unable to bear the double assault, El Feto Grande collapsed, green goo seeping from its multiple wounds as its movements ceased.

As the adrenaline left my system, likely with the blood (which I just realized was flowing unhindered from the hole in my stomach), I collapsed, my fading mind wondering how that hole got there in the first place. As I closed my eyes, barely able to hear Butters screaming my name, barely registering his arms around me, the last thought to flash through my mind was that the girls better join this damn game now.


	24. Journey to the Kingdom to the North

_Ugh. Where am I?_

I felt myself lying on a cold floor, at least the bottom half of me was. The upper half of my body was being lifted off the floor, and I felt a liquid of some kind falling on my face.

_Is it raining? But I thought I was indoors. It doesn't rain indoors…does it?_

I remembered defeating El Feto Grande before collapsing from the hole in my stomach. _Wait…the hole in my stomach?! I should be dead! Am I dead? Is this indoor rain a part of the dying process? I don't remember anything like this._ It was then that my hearing recovered and I heard a despairing voice whimper.

"Sage? Wake up. Please wake up."

I opened my eyes, groaning as the bright light of the abortion clinic hit them head-on. Trying again, I focused on an area that wasn't so brightly lit. That's when obsidian met the sky.

"Sage?" Butters whimpered again, hope peeking out from behind the dark wall of despair. His eyes were red, creating a stark contrast with his light blue iris, and tears were flowing like a river down his cheeks, falling onto my face. _Hm. Rain._ I tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace, so I simply placed a hand on his cheek, wiping away his tears with my thumb. He sniffled.

"H-How are you f-feeling?" he stuttered, still recovering from the sobs that shook his frame.

I didn't answer, placing a hand on my stomach in search for the wound that brought me down. I was shocked when I didn't find it.

"I healed you." Butters said when he noticed what I was looking for. I looked up at him in astonishment. He continued proudly, "I'm a paladin. I have healing abilities that surpass even Token's!"

I blinked. _But…paladins are knights. How can a knight have healing abilities that surpass a healer?_ I didn't have enough energy to question him, so I decided to just let it go.

"That son of a bitch stabbed you from behind." Butters growled, catching my attention, "He was trying to drain your energy. I made sure that thing would never hurt you again." My eyes widened at the ferocity in my boyfriend's voice, and I looked over to see a line of green goo next to the main body.

Suddenly, my phone vibrated. _A text? From the girls?_

**We've got the records, but there's a problem. Please get back to us right away. –Wendy**

"What?! They're STILL not satisfied?!" Butters, who had been reading over my shoulder, exclaimed.

"Who's Wendy?" I thought, still too weak to feel anger, "And how did she get my number? Does this town have a number-exchange system that I'm not aware of?" I tried to stand up, only to collapse, coughing up blood.

"Don't move! You haven't healed yet!" Butters scolded as he caught me, laying me back on the floor. He then placed his hands on my stomach, where the pain was coming from. My eyes widened as his hands lit up with a golden light and a soothing warmth spread throughout my body. I smiled (successfully this time) as the pain began to fade. _Well I'll be damned. He really IS a healer._

I closed my eyes, relishing in the ability to breathe easily without bringing blood to my throat. Butters' eyebrows came together in concentration. He was clearly getting tired. I placed my hand over his, stopping the flow of energy. He looked at me, confused, and I just smiled gratefully, actually managing to stand up this time. I headed out the front door of the clinic, the scent of blood and goo becoming nauseating. Butters wrapped an arm around my waist to support me, and I guided him the girls' hideout.

As we reached the door, Butters gawking, two girls met us, narrowing their eyes at Butters.

"What is _he _doing here?" one of them asked, stepping forward aggressively.

"_Boys_ aren't allowed here." the other snarled, disgust coloring her voice.

"Oh, gee whiz…I-I don't mean no harm." Butters stuttered, flinching at the girls' hostile tones, "Sa-Douchebag was hurt, so I helped him here."

The girls looked like they were about to protest, but before they could, I tried to stand up straight (knowing full well I wouldn't be able to) and collapsed into Butters' arms. I spat blood at the two girls, showing them the extent of my injuries. They both recoiled, a mixture of worry and disgust on their faces.

"Let me in." Butters said, the sudden command surprising me as well as the girls, "I'm not leaving Douchebag when he's hurt this bad."

The girls glanced at one another, looking conflicted, before turning their gazes back to us.

"Wait here." one of them ordered as they returned to the base. I leaned against Butters, the effects of my little "stunt" making me tremble as I fell to my knees. Butters kneeled beside me. He didn't have enough energy left to heal me, but he could provide support. After a few minutes, the girls reappeared, with the chair herself in front.

"Wendy…" Butters whispered nervously.

_I see. So the chair of the girls' group was that one who sent me the text earlier. Makes sense._

"Hello, Butters." Wendy said, as polite as ever. She then addressed me. "The girls have decided to allow your boyfriend to accompany you into our base, just this once. It is clear that you have been badly injured. However…" She turned to Butters again. "…you must swear to not tell ANYONE about what you have seen here." she said, her tone threatening.

Butters eyes widened. "Th-Thank you…wait…" He then turned red as he asked, "How…How did you know we were…?"

"Oh please!" Wendy cut him off, sounding exasperated, "You can't seriously think your relationship is a secret? I mean, for God's sake, have you SEEN how you two act around each other? We've only seen you two from a distance, and even WE know what's going on!"

Butters turned even redder than he already was as he hid his face in my neck. Due to my status as an angel, I did not have the same kind of embarrassment that mortals had when having others first recognize their mates, so I just leaned against Butters, snapping him out of his stupor as his desire to help me overpowered his embarrassment. He looked at me in concern, but I just squeezed his arm, guiding him into the base.

Inside, we saw a number of the girls gathered around the front desk. They were looking at a sheet of paper, likely the records I had sent them, and muttering amongst themselves. They all got quiet as Wendy took her seat, with me and Butters standing at the base of the stand.

"New Kid, the girls are very thankful for you texting us the abortion records." Wendy said sincerely.

"We are only one step away from finding out which girl among us is a two-faced bitch." Bebe added happily.

I nodded absently, wishing they'd just get to the point. Butters didn't notice, too busy looking around the base in awe, as if to absorb EVERY detail. Wendy frowned.

"Unfortunately, the records keeper at the abortion clinic is from Paris, and so everything is written in French." she said, looking at me apologetically. I just nodded again, having already made a note of that.

"Whoever this two-faced skank is thinks she can outsmart us!" Millie growled angrily, starting several other murmurs. Wendy banged her gavel, quieting the girls once again.

"We want to help you and the boys play your game, but we just can't have a two-faced bitch out there on the loose." Wendy said regretfully, and I could tell she meant it, "Just get these documents translated, and we PROMISE we'll join your army." She then called off the meeting, and Butters and I were released.

"Well gee whiz, now what are we gonna do?" Butters asked me once we got back to my house, "We don't speak French, and Google Translate isn't working for some reason."

I just lay on the bed, trying to regain my strength. Although the coffee we got from Tweek was helping, I still needed rest. The wound in my stomach still hurt, although the pain had dulled considerably.

"We should probably discuss this with the rest of the guys." I said, pushing myself off the bed.

"Sage!" Butters cried, holding onto my shoulders as I swayed slightly. I shook off my dizziness and looked straight ahead, composing myself.

"After all…" I said, smiling bitterly at the memory of the fight that dealt me such serious wounds, "…they assigned me the task of recruiting the girls. It's only natural that they should help me when I need it."

Butters blinked at me, a blank look on his face. He followed me closely, in case I were to fall again, but he didn't try to stop me. Once we reached the Elven Kingdom, everyone immediately gathered around us.

"What's this?" Kyle asked us as I handed him the abortion clinic records. He looked over it for a second. "This must be something the New Kid needs our help with." he said as he handed the paper to Stan, who attempted to read it.

"Cinq femmes ont subi un avortement..." he tried to sound out before giving up, "What language is that?" I sweatdropped. _Do these people really not recognize French when they see it?_

"It's some kind of strange Orcish." Cartman stated matter-of-factly. I mentally facepalmed. "I've seen this language before." he said, looking at Stan and Kyle, "In the Kingdom to the North."

_The Kingdom to the North? Is that some part of town I haven't seen yet?_

"Oooh, the Kingdom to the North…" Butters whispered, his voice filled with awe.

"Whatever is written on these documents is somehow the key to us recruiting the girls to our army-" Stan surmised, turning to me, "-is that what you're trying to tell us, New Kid?"

I nodded in confirmation. However, only Stan and Butters could read me well enough to notice.

"Come on. S-Spit it out." Jimmy urged, although moved back several steps when I looked at him. Cartman, growing impatient, walked over to a toy chest.

"Getting that document translated isn't going to be easy…" he said, pulling out what looked like a…passport? "To breach the Kingdom to the North, you will have to assume another identity." He gave me the passport, telling me dramatically, "Your name is no longer Commander Douchebag." _My name isn't Commander Douchebag anyway._ "It is now…Larry Bobinsky, from Cleveland."

I looked at the forged passport, wondering why I needed one just to get to another part of town. Maybe it was another town that I needed to get to? I also wondered how a fake passport got into a toy chest in Kyle's backyard. No one else seemed surprised.

"The quickest way to the Kingdom to the North is through the Lost Forest." Kyle told me, "Head north, then north again. North…and then north."

_Well, those are the simplest directions I've ever heard._

As the council disbanded, Stan approached me while Butters went to greet Kenny, Tweek, and Token.

"You better get a real passport photo first." he told me. When I asked why I needed a passport, he snickered, "Oh, you'll find out soon enough." He then put a hand on my shoulder. "And no matter what, don't let your guard down. You may be a good fighter, and you have the best healer in the entire game, but even so…" He turned toward the north, his eyes clouded by many painful memories, "Be careful, Dragonborn."

I glared at him, still not fond of the open use of my title, but then I smirked, placing my hand on his shoulder as well.

"You as well, Hubbard." I snarled, my voice so low that only Stan could hear me. He glared back at me, but then smirked as well. He squeezed my shoulder, and I mirrored him, both of us nodding in a silent oath that we would meet again once my mission was complete. As Messengers of the Heavens, we have a strong connection with one another, so much so that I am certain he felt my pain when I was stabbed through the stomach, hence the need for the oath.

We then turned away from each other, our exchange noticed by no one. I tapped Butters' shoulder and signaled for him to follow me, nodding in acknowledgement to the human warriors he had been talking to and sharing a sympathetic look with Tweek, who was still very upset. Butters and I then headed to the Photo Dojo.

"Hi. Here to get your passport photo taken?" a young man asked me. He looked to be about early- to mid-20s. "Just head on into the room there and we'll get started." he said, walking into a room in the back.

"I've got a bad feeling about this." I thought as I looked at Butters. He was apparently thinking the same thing. Still, we apparently needed this picture, so we headed back, although I noticed that Butters was keeping a hand on his hammer.

"Step between the lights, please." the man said professionally, though I didn't miss the lustful gleam in his eyes. He began messing with the camera.

"That's great. Ok, smile!" he said pleasantly, before frowning, "Um…do you have something else you can wear? Could you try something else on?"

I thought for a moment, before shrugging and taking off my thief outfit. It was a reasonable request; the black hood did make me look suspicious. In my usual dark blue shirt and jeans, I just looked like a semi-goth-punk.

"Um…no..." the man muttered, hiding a small smile, "Tell you what, how about just no shirt at all. Let's try that."

I narrowed my eyes. _That cannot be appropriate protocol._ Still, I took off my shirt, taking some pleasure in the fact that Butters was staring at me, his mouth hanging open slightly. _I wonder why his nose_ _is bleeding?_

"Yeah, that's gonna work better. Here we go!" the cameraman said, preparing to take the picture. _Finally._ "Oh, wait." _Aw, now what?!_ "Those pants don't work with the lighting." he said, rubbing his chin in thought, "Could you just roll up your pants, or…just take-take the pants off, too." He added the last part quickly, licking his lips in the process.

"Really?" I thought, looking at him defiantly, "Don't you just need a picture of my head and shoulders?" At his persistence, I took off my pants, signaling Butters to attack at the first sign of an assault.

"Ok, that's good. Really nice." he practically purred, making me shudder, "Yes, very nice. How about we lose the underwear?"

I snarled. _He's not even giving a reason this time! He's just a pedophile!_ Right as I thought that, another man, covered in blood and bruises, jumped out from behind some boxes.

"You sick son of a bitch!" he yelled, confronting the pedophile, "Stop him!"

"You'll never take me alive!" the pedophile yelled in return.

"Fine by me." another voice said in a tone of controlled anger. All of us turned to see Butters, who had been hiding in the shadows ever since I gave him the signal, raising his hammer. "I'd just as soon have you dead!" he growled, bringing his Hammer of Justice down on the pedophile's head, cracking his skull. The man twitched and raised his head weakly as Butters stepped in front of me protectively.

"Tell…my wife…" he muttered, coughing, "…I wasn't…that…into her…" Then he collapsed, slipping into unconsciousness.

"That was pretty impressive, kid." the real cameraman said to Butters, who blushed with pride. "Now let's get your picture taken." The cameraman turned to me, since I had just put my pants back on. He offered to wait until I had my shirt back on too, but I just shook my head, winking at Butters, who turned bright red and looked away. The cameraman, not understanding the exchange, just shrugged and took my picture.

After a minute, the cameraman gave me a small picture of myself. "Congrats, kid. You have your first passport photo." he said before walking into the bathroom to clean himself up. Butters and I left the Photo Dojo (I had finally put my full costume back on) and headed for the Lost Forest.

"Hey, Butters." I said when we had been in the forest for about 20 minutes. Butters, who had his fingers intertwined with mine, hummed absently in acknowledgement.

"What is the Kingdom to the North?" I asked him.

"Canada." he replied nonchalantly. He was then snapped out of his thoughts when he felt a tug on his hand. Turning back, he saw me just standing there, an unreadable look on my face.

"Sage?" he asked worriedly. I just stared at him for a good 30 seconds before screaming louder than I ever had.

"WE'RE GOING TO CANADA?!"


	25. Welcome, Friends, to Canada!

After I finally calmed down (which took a LOT of affection and puppy-dog eyes on Butters' part), we continued our trek up north towards Canada. After a few hours of walking (luckily, Butters brought snacks), we reached a strange split in the land. Even though there was snow on the ground where we were walking, there wasn't any just a few feet away. Sitting on that split was a small shack next to a red-and-white rail across the road.

"There's the Border." Butters whispered from his spot tucked under my arm. My eyes narrowed slightly. _How troublesome._

As we approached the border, a Canadian mounty appeared at the gate.

"Nope. You see? No matter which way you go, I block you." the mounty gloated, looking down at us with a smug look on his face. I held up my passport, not in the mood for his antics.

"Ah! I see you have…a passport!" the mounty sounded surprised, "Alright, hand it over." He took the passport, glancing over it briefly before handing it back to me. "Papers seem to be in order." he said, sounding slightly disappointed. _Must be pretty boring here._ "Very well. I hereby grant thee access to the great nation of Canada!" He then turned to the shack and called out, "Open the gate!"

Butters and I looked at him expectantly. He looked around as well, before muttering, "Oh, I'll get it. Hold on…" He then went into his post and opened the gate. I nodded in thanks before moving down the path. We needed to get somewhere heated; Butters was shivering. I wrapped my cloak around him, holding him closer to me. Before long, we reached the Canadian capital Ottawa. I sighed with relief, but then looked at Butters worriedly when he sneezed violently.

"Hey, buddy. Is your friend okay?" a Canadian man asked me. I looked at Butters, who nodded.

"I-I-I'm f-fine, s-s-sir." Butters stuttered, shivering violently. The cold weather of Colorado was nothing compared to the chill here. I've been in temperatures like this before, so I was used to it, plus I have a high tolerance for cold. Butters, on the other hand, seemed to be unable to handle temperatures below those of Colorado winters, at least not for long.

"Why don't you stay with me for a while?" the Canadian suggested, "My wife'll make you some hot chocolate."

Butters brightened at the mention of hot chocolate, so we followed him to his home, which was nearby. A Canadian woman, who I assumed to be his wife, greeted us.

"Welcome home, dear." she said to her husband, hugging him before turning to us, "And who are these two?"

"These boys come from the United States." her husband replied, "They are very cold, could you fix them some hot chocolate?"

"Oh, yes, right away!" she said happily, heading to the kitchen. Within minutes, Butters and I were sitting on the couch across from the Canadian couple, sipping hot chocolate.

"So tell me, boys." the husband began, "Where are you from?"

"South Park, Colorado." Butters replied pleasantly. I nodded, happy that my boyfriend was no longer shivering. The couple gasped.

"Did you say…South Park?" the man asked, a little breathless. I nodded as Butters gave them a confused look.

"Yeah, why?" Butters asked.

The couple looked at each other.

"Harry, do you think they know Peter?" the woman asked her husband hopefully.

"Peter?" Butters asked, completely perplexed. I just tilted my head slightly.

"He was our son, who was adopted by a couple in South Park. I think they call him…Ike?"

I looked at Butters, whose eyes lit up in realization.

"Oh! You mean Kyle's little brother!" he said in sudden understanding. I arched an eyebrow. _Kyle has a little brother?_

"Yes! Yes! The Broflovskis adopted Peter…I mean, Ike, and have been taking care of him. His brother and his brother's friends even came here to Canada during Christmas one year to get Ike back when we foolishly took him away." the woman said guiltily, "Is he doing okay?"

Butters looked about to reply when I got up and took my cup to the kitchen. I pointed out the window at a large palace at the center of the city.

"Oh, yes. That is the palace where the Prince and Princess of Canada live." the man informed me. I nodded, heading for the door. Butters got ready to follow me, but I held up my hand to stop him.

"Sage?" he asked me, a slight whimper in his voice. I walked up to him and placed a hand on his forehead, indicating that he hadn't recovered and needed to rest. I then pointed my thumb at the Canadian couple, reminding him that they wanted to hear about their son, which I could understand. He looked at me like he was going to argue, so I gave him a quick peck on the lips, shutting him up. I heard the couple "aww"ing at us, but I ignored them. I squeezed his shoulders to snap him out of his daze, and he nodded in understanding.

"Okay, I'll stay here." he consented, "But please be careful."

I nodded, walking out and heading to the palace. It looked like a massive brown mansion, but there was a royal energy about it. It was surrounded by a moat, with only a small bridge leading into the palace. Inside, the floor was covered with gray tiles. The walls were covered with framed pictures of Canadians, who I assumed were previous rulers, and there were mounties posted everywhere. Two of them, dressed similarly to British guards, stood on either side of a red-and-white rug, which led to two thrones, where the Prince and Princess sat.

"Well, well, what have we here?" the Prince said when he saw me, "A hero from the south? Not just anyone can pass the guard at the great border. You must have beaten the odds and obtained…a passport." _What's so hard about getting a passport?_ "I am the Prince of Canada, and this is my lovely wife." he said, gesturing to the Princess, who proceeded to queef. _Lovely._ "How can I help you?"

I handed him the abortion records, expertly hiding my embarrassment. The Prince glanced over it, the Princess looking on as well.

"What's this? Hmm…" the Prince hummed in thought, "Sorry, but I don't know what this says. I've seen this language, but I believe it's only spoken in a specific part of Canada." He walked over to the window, staring out over his country, before turning back to me. "I suggest you travel west of here and seek out the Earl of Winnipeg. He can tell you where in Canada they speak this freakish tongue." _Even the Prince of Canada doesn't recognize French? Seriously?_

"But I warn you." the Prince said, sitting back on his throne, "The wilderness of Canada is filled with Dire Wolves!" _Dire Wolves?_ I stared at him blankly, which led him to continue, "You know what Dire Wolves are, right? They're like wolves…but they're DIRE." I mentally facepalmed. The Princess just queefed again.

Refraining from rolling my eyes, I left through the side entrance. One of the guards told me that the Princess queefing twice when meeting me was a great honor, while another one offered photos of my visit with the Prince and Princess. Given the choice between two 8x10s and six 5x7s, I took the 8x10s, since I really only needed two (one for me and one for Butters, although I don't really NEED one of me).

After a quick glance in the window of the house, where Butters seemed deep into an interesting story, I headed west down the road (the only road). It only took about an hour to reach Winnipeg.

"Welcome to Winnipeg." a mounty greeted me, "This is a conservative township, so mind your P's and Q's." He then shrugged as he added, "Do whatever you want with your T's and M's, however." I nodded slightly in acknowledgement, not that he noticed. I headed for the center of the town, where everything of importance is. There, I found the Earl of Winnipeg.

"Hm. What's this? A foreigner?" the nearly-bald Canadian said, sounding a little shocked, "How can I help you, buddy?"

I handed him the document, and his eyes lit up when he saw the writing.

"Ah, yes. This writing is definitely Canadian." He then looked at me critically. "But why should I help a foreigner when Winnipeg is completely overrun with Dire Bears?" he asked himself.

"Dire Bears?" I thought to myself. Then, an idea forming in my head, I faded from sight, moving faster than the eye could see. Before the Canadian even knew what was happening, I was on his desk, my Dragonfang pressed against his neck. He turned to me, still not entirely processing the situation, but when I grinned psychotically, my eyes gleaming with a predatory thrill that even he understood, he got my message.

"Say, buddy, you're pretty good! Tell you what. Kill off all the Dire Bears in the north part of town, and I'll help you however I can!" he said, sounding nervous. I just nodded, sheathing my sword and heading toward the northern part of Winnipeg. I saw a group of Canadians gathered around one of their own. He was lying dead, a huge gash in his stomach spilling his intestines.

"This man was killed by a Dire Bear." one of the Canadians told me, "You know what Dire Bears are, right? They're like bears, but they're dire." I nodded absently, heading north. A mounty stood in my path.

"This is the entrance to the Dire Bear den." he said. His eyes widened when he noticed my Dragonfang, which I had unsheathed and was now holding. "Well…at least it's you and not me." he shrugged, already giving me up for dead. I simply walked by.

As I entered the den, I was faced with three large bears. They, like the Dire Wolves I had run into on the way to Winnipeg, were much larger than their American counterparts. They also had strange abilities, which I found out when one of the bears shot lasers from its eyes. I narrowed my eyes before summoning three clones of myself (a thief ability). As the three clones wounded the bears, I appeared in front of them and, as my clones disappeared, I slashed all three of the bears' necks at once, mimicking the injury that killed the Canadian. As the bears collapsed in a pool of their own blood, I heard a chorus of astonished murmurs. I turned to see a group of Canadians standing at the den's entrance. Several of them were holding up their phones.

"That was amazing, buddy!" one of them cried happily, "This is going on every social network!"

I just shrugged, pointing my bloody Dragonfang at the three bears. The mounties seemed to understand.

"Come on, guys! Let's skin these bastards!" one of them yelled to the others.

As I stood by the den's entrance, getting congratulated by several Canadians (who insisted on having their pictures taken with me), only one thought crossed my mind.

"I am understood by Canadians. Is that good or bad?"


	26. Canadian Politics: Handled by Children

"By jove, you've done it!" the Earl of Winnipeg exclaimed when I brought him the pelts that the mounties had given me, "Look at all these Dire Bear pelts! Now I can finally make a Dire Robe!" _Dire Robe…_

He then looked up, as if only just remembering that I was there. "Alright, give me the document." I did as he instructed, and he looked over it for a minute.

"Hmm…yes. This is actually written in the language of EASTERN Canada. The Minister of Montreal can translate it." _Great._ "But I'm afraid the Prince has imprisoned the Minister of Montreal in the Catacombs of Quebec." _Of course._ "I will speak with the Prince. Return to him, and he should let you speak with the Minister." _Terrific._ I nodded and left, hearing the Earl mutter happily to himself, "Boy, oh boy. I will have the most dire robe in all of Canada."

I made my way back to Ottawa. On the way, I got a call from Butters, asking me if I was alright after my fight with the Dire Bears (which he had seen on Youtube). He sounded like he was panicking, so I spoke to him for a while (there was no one on the road anyway). After we hung up, with Butters promising to meet me outside of Ike's birth parents' house, I headed for the Prince's palace. I was not looking forward to the scolding I was undoubtedly going to get from Butters when I saw him again. He really is my boyfriend.

"There you are!" the Prince cried when he saw me, "I understand that you wish me to release the Minister of Montreal." _No, I wish to SPEAK with the Minister of Montreal._ "I'd like to help you, but I think this might be another ploy by the Bishop of Banff to have Montreal allowed back into the Kingdom!" the Prince snarled resentfully.

"Some Canadians think our nation should be united again, my Lord." one of the guards that stood beside the throne interjected. The Prince glared at him before knocking him to the ground.

"SHUT UP! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" the Prince yelled. Regaining his composure, he turned back to me. "Listen, it's all because the Bishop of Banff is a liberal. He does these things just to make life difficult for ME." he said irritably. He then looked me over, his eyes lingering on my Dragonfang. "I ask you to perform another noble quest." he told me, a twisted smile on his face, "Go to Banff and kill the Bishop!"

Everyone in the room gasped.

"Kill the Bishop of Banff?!" the Princess exclaimed in horror. The two guards looked at each other nervously. I just watched them blankly. The Prince shushed his wife before addressing me again.

"Kill the Bishop of Banff for me, and bring me his balls as proof. Do this, and I shall allow you into the Catacombs of Quebec. Make haste!" he ordered, returning to his throne.

"Why his balls?" I thought as I left, "Canadians are weird."

I met up with Butters, who practically tackled me to the ground the moment he saw me. Even as we began our journey to Banff, he didn't let go of my arm. I think he was worried about me. As we walked, I explained to him what my orders were, which he wasn't too fond of. I wasn't pleased with them either, but I needed to get this document translated. You see, when I make a promise to someone, I keep it. It's an honor thing.

After about two hours of walking (I had finally gotten Butters off my arm, although he still insisted on holding my hand, "just in case"), we reached Banff. It was a small town, even smaller than Winnipeg, with a large church in the center. Entering the church, I approached a Canadian who was wearing a white robe with a golden cape and a tall golden hat with a white cross on it.

"The Prince thinks that Canada is a monarchy, but there're other people with opinions, by God!" the Bishop said to no one in particular, before mumbling, "Sorry, God."

_Well, looks like it's now or never._

I held out my hand, telling Butters to stay back. Then, I walked up to the Bishop and knocked him back with the hilt of my sword.

"What's this? Who the fuck hits a Bishop?!" the Bishop cried indignantly. I held up the letter that the Prince gave me ordering the Bishop's death, before jumping up and pinning him to the floor, my sword at his throat.

"Okay! Okay! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Please! You don't have to kill me!" the Bishop cried desperately. I arched an eyebrow. "I'll go away; the Prince will never know I'm alive!"

The Bishop, apparently predicting this attack, reached into his robe and pulled out a pair of testicles. "Please! Take these Dire Pig testicles, and tell the Prince they're mine!"

I looked at the testicles he held, giving him a questioning look. I then nodded, taking the Dire testicles and slashing the air in front of the Bishop, telling him to leave before the Prince found him.

"Bless you, my son!" the Bishop thanked me, his eyes overflowing with gratitude, "It'll be our little secret."

I nodded, heading back to where Butters was hiding. He smiled at me, the love and pride in his eyes almost making me blush. We both headed out of Banff, the Bishop's signature chant following us in a final farewell.

"Praise God. Praise Christ. Praise God and Christ."


	27. Monks of Vancouver

The journey back was quite eventful. We ran into some Dire Snakes (they're like snakes, but they're dire) and I was bitten by one while shielding Butters. After brutally crushing the skull of the snake that bit me, Butters rushed me to the hospital in Ottawa, where they diagnosed me with Dire Aids. Luckily, they also cured me, so everything was fine.

When I returned to the Prince (Butters, once again, staying outside), I handed him the Dire balls, which he took and examined before laughing.

"Yay! The Bishop's balls!" he cried happily, before adding, much to the Princess' surprise (the guards were suspiciously absent), "Now religion won't interfere with government!" He returned to his throne, asking me, "How can we repay you?"

I raised my eyebrow questioningly as the Princess piped up, "You said you would free the Minister of Montreal, my Lord."

The Prince glanced at his wife, a thoughtful look on his face, before turning back to me with a hasty, "Sorry, no can do."

_What?_ I looked at him incredulously, as did the Princess.

"With both the Bishop and the Minister taken care of, my throne is secure." the Prince continued, shushing his wife as she begged him to reconsider. When he left, the Princess kneeled next to me, handing me an envelope.

"Quickly. You must speak with the Duke of Vancouver. He can help you get into the Catacombs of Quebec." she told me, returning to her throne, "Give the Duke this. Hurry now!" She then queefed, signaling that the conversation was over.

I just sighed internally, leaving the palace, Butters right behind me. As we headed to Vancouver, I told him the situation.

"What?!" he cried disbelievingly, "Why that no good fibber!" I just put a hand on his shoulder, calming him as we continued.

Entering Vancouver, we headed for the Duke's office, barely even acknowledging the Canadian citizens. The Duke was inside, talking on the phone. Two other Canadians stood at his side.

"Yes, yes, I know." the Duke was saying into the phone, "But Ottawa is on the other side of Canada! How are we supposed to get there?"

"Well, we walked." I thought as I approached the table, putting the Princess' letter in front of the Canadians to get their attention.

"A letter from the Princess?" the Duke asked me, somewhat irritated at being interrupted. His expression and tone changed, however, when he actually read the letter's contents.

"What the-why, according to this, the Prince had something to do with the Bishop's murder and has imprisoned the Minister unjustly!" the Duke exclaimed, briefly taking off his glasses in shock. I withheld a sigh of relief that the Princess didn't say anything about _my_ involvement in the Bishop's "murder". The Canadians behind the Duke began muttering anxiously to one another.

The Duke, ignoring his associates, turned to me, a serious look on his face.

"Young man, if you wish to brave the Catacombs of Quebec, you have to speak with the monks who live in the southeast of town. Only they can train you in such sorcery." he told me, pointing toward the southeast section of Vancouver.

"Monks?" Butters asked when we got back outside. I nodded. I had a pretty good idea just who these "monks" were. This was Canada, after all. Getting to the island, Butters' jaw hit the floor. I was right.

"By golly…it's Terrance and Phillip…" Butters whispered in awe. I simply approached them, unfazed by their celebrity status.

"Who are you?" the black-haired Canadian in the red shirt, Terrance, asked me.

"Perhaps he is the American everyone is talking aboot, Terrance." the blond in the light blue shirt, Phillip, answered for me.

"They know who you are." Butters whispered to me, his eyes shining. Terrance just shook his head.

"Nah, can't be. He can't be a master of spellcraft." he said, making me raise an eyebrow, "He doesn't even know magic."

I narrowed my eyes, immediately sensing the challenge. I stood defiantly in front of the two Canadian stars, unleashing a powerful Dragonshout that knocked them both backward. Phillip laughed happily.

"He knows Dragonshout!" he exclaimed, impressed.

Terrance snorted, dismissing the technique like it was nothing. "Any magician's apprentice can Dragonshout. It's not like he farted into his hand and hit you in the face with it, Phillip." he said, glancing sideways at me. I smirked. _Looks like they've got this "good cop, bad cop" thing going on._ I used Cup-a-Spell on Terrance's face, since he was the one who challenged me. Both Canadians started laughing even harder.

"My god! He can Cup-a-Spell!" Terrance cried, looking at me seriously now. Phillip grinned at me.

"If he's really good, how come he can't sneak a fart behind your face?" he asked, winking at me. I nodded, using Sneaky Squeaker to make them both fall forward. They both looked at me in surprise.

"The Sneaky Squeaker!" Phillip laughed, clapping his hands, "Very impressive. He is worthy of our training after all." He looked at Terrance for confirmation.

"Yes." Terrance agreed, nodding approvingly, "Prepare thyself, child. It is time for you to learn some TRUE magic…"

Then, after telling Butters to stay back, they both farted on me, and I felt my vision fade as I heard Butters screaming my name. Then everything went black.


	28. The Canadian Matrix

As I opened my eyes, I found myself in a completely white realm. I got up, looking around.

"Where am I?" I thought, instinctively looking for my boyfriend, but he was nowhere in sight.

"Your magic is impressive, young American." a voice said behind me. I turned to see Terrance and Phillip. They were both wearing black trench coats and sunglasses. I mentally facepalmed. _The Matrix._

"Not since Eric Von Thunderpants of Nova Scotia have we seen such prowess." Phillip said, his hands behind his back.

"But now, you must learn to control your anus muscles in just the right way to change a spell's _frequency_." Terrance told me as he and Phillip approached.

_Frequency? Wait a minute…_

Suddenly, a stone wall appeared in the otherwise-empty whiteness.

"Some objects seem too large to be damaged by magic." Phillip continued, "But now, I will break through it with…" He walked in front of the wall and knelt with his ass facing it, unleashing a powerful fart while shouting, "NAGASAKI!" The wall was blown away completely, the shattered pieces flying out of sight.

My eyes widened. _This is it. The legendary fourth fart technique that I had only heard rumors about. Figures these two would know it._

Phillip walked back over to stand next to Terrance, who was smiling proudly at him.

"Now you try." he told me, with Terrance adding an inspiring, "Believe in yourself!"

I gulped, walking in front of the wall, which had reappeared after Phillip had destroyed it. Kneeling, as Phillip had, I felt my power building inside me. As my power grew, I felt the air around the wall resisting. I shifted my anus muscles, similarly to the way I control my anal probe. After a few seconds, I suddenly felt the resistance disappear and, taking the opportunity, unleashed my magic, shattering the wall just as Phillip had done.

"That's it!" Terrance exclaimed excitedly, although his outside appearance was calm, "Now let's see how Nagasaki works in battle!"

As he said that, three grown Canadian men appeared before me, their eyes filled with a perverted lust that was not unlike the look I had seen in the eyes of the man who had attempted to pose as a cameraman.

"These pedophiles from Alberta will have their way with you unless you damage them all with one move." Phillip said, watching me expectantly.

"Nagasaki!" Terrance added, observing me as well.

I turned back to the pedophiles. Their eyes were wandering over my body as they licked their lips. I narrowed my eyes into a glare, turning my ass to them and, as they lunged at me, found the frequency and unleashed Nagasaki, blowing them all out of sight and mind. Terrance and Phillip cheered.

"That's it! You have the POWER!" Phillip yelled happily. Terrance nodded in agreement. They both then became serious.

"We know of the corruption that has taken over our beloved Canada." Terrance said, surprising me, "We humbly ask you to please free the Minister of Montreal." I nodded in response.

"We also know that you spared the Bishop's life." Phillip added, "For that, we thank you." I could tell that he meant it.

"Thank you for working so hard to save our beloved Canada." they both said in unison.

I simply nodded again. I mean, even if I was willing to speak to them, who was I to tell them that I was just trying to get some abortion clinic records translated?

"We must be heading back now." Phillip told me as the area around me began to darken once more, "Your boyfriend is very worried about you." He and Terrance smiled knowingly. I blushed slightly, although I doubt either one of them could see it. As I passed out again, my lingering spirit saw Terrance put his arm around Phillip's shoulders.

"He seems familiar somehow." Terrance said, gazing into the distance as the area around them faded to black.

"Of course he does." Phillip replied, leaning into Terrance's side, "He's just like you when you were younger. He's a little quieter, though…"

"Quieter?! He's dead silent!" Terrance exclaimed, looking at Phillip in exasperation. Phillip just laughed. Terrance sighed, looking upward. "He really does remind me of me, though. He even has a somewhat-familiar blond boyfriend." he said, grinning at Phillip.

"We may both be blond, but that is the ONLY similarity." Phillip growled, glaring at Terrance.

"Blond hair, light blue shirts, dating guys with black hair…" Terrance said in a sing-song voice, laughing when Phillip crossed his arms, pouting. But there was a ghost of a smile on his face, his joy at my success as obvious as his boyfriend's.


	29. The Army Gathers

Once I finally came to, the first thing I saw was Butters leaning over me, his concern as evident as the tears in his eyes. _Man, this kid cries easily._

When Butters noticed that my eyes were open, he couldn't hold his tears back anymore and wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my shoulder. I patted his back comfortingly, looking up at Terrance and Phillip, who were sitting on the bed chatting with one another. I heard something about "queef bitches" before they turned to us.

"Well, you did it." Terrance said, smiling at me, "Now go and use your anus for the good of mankind"

Butters looked from me to the Canadian celebrities in confusion. I simply nodded, walking out of the cottage.

"And remember." Phillip added, "Never, ever fart on a man's balls."

I nodded again, this time bowing in gratitude. Butters followed my lead, and we both left Vancouver, heading for the Catacombs of Quebec just northeast of Ottawa. On the way, Butters bugged me about what his (and every other young boy in South Park's) idols taught me, but I just shook my head, telling him that he'd see for himself soon enough.

Almost as soon as we entered the Catacombs, we were faced with a stone wall that blocked our path.

"Aw, hamburgers." Butters muttered, looking up at the wall, which rose all the way to the ceiling, "How're we gonna get through that?"

I looked up at the wall as well. I could tell that Butters couldn't see them, but I could. The glowing green cracks running up the wall, a sign of its weakness to the power of Nagasaki. I held out my hand, signaling for Butters to stand back. Then, I knelt in front of the wall, my ass pointed at it like a cannon. Finding the right frequency, I quickly stored the magic in my body and unleashed it, completely demolishing the wall. I brushed my hands over my cloak to remove the dirt and turned back to Butters. He was staring at me with eyes the size of dinner plates, his jaw hitting the floor. I arched an eyebrow at him.

"S-Sage…" he muttered, confusion in his voice giving way to awe, "…that…was…AWESOME!" He then glomped me, nearly knocking me to the ground. "Is that the technique Terrance and Phillip taught you?" When I nodded, he practically squealed, "That's amazing! When this war is over, you've GOT to use that on the Grand Wizard's castle! That'd be hilarious!"

I walked down the corridor, dragging the still-rambling Butters along with me. As we approached the entrance to a wider area of the Catacombs, we were met with a large group of Dire Animals (four Dire Snakes, three Dire Wolves, and two Dire Bears).

"Oh Christ, what a pickle!" Butters cried, staring at the large group of animals as they prepared to attack.

"Oh Christ indeed." I thought, telling Butters to get back as I pulled out a strand of beads. Their purpose was clear.

Remember when I said that I had visited an old friend that I had not seen in many years after helping the underpants gnome collect underpants? He gave me these beads so that I could summon him if I needed help. I couldn't count on him for really tough fights, but he could handle a battle like this with ease. I held up the rosary beads, the cross gleaming in the darkness of the cave.

Suddenly, the roof of the cave seemed to split open as the sun shined down upon us. Then, from the clouds, flew none other than Jesus Christ himself. The Messenger of Christianity landed heavily on the ground, putting on a pair of sunglasses and pulling out a machine gun, mowing down the group of animals that opposed us. They didn't stand a chance.

"Oh Lord Jesus…" Butters mumbled. He clearly had not been expecting this, although I can hardly blame him.

"You are safe now, my son." Jesus replied, smiling at us as he took off his sunglasses. In my mind, I heard his voice ring out loud and clear.

_I am glad that you summoned me, Dragonborn. This land is indeed in great peril. I shall see what I can do about the corruption that has taken hold of this great nation._

I smiled.

**Please do. I may be able to unite people, but I cannot turn them back from their harmful ways on my own. The Canadians need your guidance more than my power.**

_You are as wise as ever, my brother. I shall do what I can for Canada. I trust you to stop the evil gathering in South Park. Also, give my regards to L. Ron Hubbarb._

I nodded to my fellow messenger, and he nodded in return, replacing his sunglasses over his eyes and leaping back into the sky, the cave ceiling closing behind him.

"He always did know how to make an entrance." I thought, smiling in amusement as I turned back to Butters, who was still gawking at the ceiling. At my urging, he followed me deeper into the cave, gradually shaking off his shock and awe.

"Gee whiz…" he panted, the adrenaline from his divine encounter starting to wear off. I put my hand on his back to steady him as we entered the dark chamber. I activated the sight, although I kept it weak so that I didn't startle the Minister, who I knew was in there. Underneath my hand, Butters flinched. He was still a little bit sensitive to it.

Looking back into the darkness, I saw a Canadian chained to the wall by his wrists. He was squinting at me, as if trying to figure out what the little red lights in the entrance to his prison cell were. I pulled my hood further over my eyes, dulling the glow. Even though I couldn't see as clearly, I could see well enough to cut the chains that bound the Minister's wrists.

"Qui êtes-vous?" he asked me. I didn't speak French, but I got the feeling he was asking who I was.

"Uh…Hello, sir." Butters mumbled cautiously, still not really able to see the Minister, "We're here to release you, but we need you to translate something."

The Minister squinted at us, seeming to ponder a) Why two children were releasing him and b) Should he trust us. He then nodded, seeing as he didn't really have any other options.

Since the Minister (obviously) couldn't see the abortion records in the pitch-black darkness, we led him to the entrance. Steering clear of Ottawa (for fear of the Prince finding out about the Minister's escape), we found a clearing in the wilderness. After offing a few Dire Animals, we handed him the records, along with a pencil and a blank sheet of paper that we brought with us. The Minister looked at the document, then at the paper and pencil, then at us like we were insane.

"Qu'est-ce que c'est?" he asked us. I just gestured to a relatively flat log as Butters explained.

"We need you to translate this for us." he said slowly, hoping the Minister would understand. The Minister eyed us curiously before shrugging and writing down the English translation on the other piece of paper.

"Okay!" he said happily, handing us the finished translation and walking away, waving and smiling happily, "Merci beaucoup!" We just waved back, heading for the US-Canadian border. On the way, we stopped by Ike's parent's house to thank them for their hospitality.

"Take care, you two!" the couple called after us. We smiled at them (well, Butters did) and headed out of Ottawa. Before we got too far, we heard Ike's mother call, "And please look after Pe…Ike…please look after Ike for us!" We nodded.

When we reached the border, the mounty guarding it opened the gate. "Had enough of Canada, eh? Can't say I blame you." he said as we passed through. Butters waved at him cheerfully. I just nodded, my trademark apathetic look once again in place.

Once we finally made it back to South Park, it was nearly sunset. Knowing that we didn't have much time before we had to return home (so Butters' parents wouldn't ground him again), we made our way to the girls' base.

"Butters! New Kid! You're back!" Wendy exclaimed when she saw us enter. All of the girls turned to look at us. "Did you get the document translated?"

I nodded, handing her the translated document. As she looked over it, the rest of the girls crowded around us.

"You have the Prince AND Princess of Canada as your friends on Facebook!?" one of the girls squealed excitedly.

"Terrance and Phillip, too!" another added, looking at me with admiration, and I could've sworn she was blushing. I just kept a blank poker face, expertly hiding my annoyance at the high-pitched squealing, although I could sense Butters getting nervous. I doubt he'll ever get over his jealousy, not that I'm complaining.

"Hey, girls! Check this out!" Wendy called, summoning the other girls back to her. I sighed internally. I could swear that foam was starting to form at the corners of their mouths.

"See? Right here it says that five women were in the clinic that day-" Wendy began, pointing to a section of the paper.

"And right there it says Nancy Turner, 3:30 pm!" a girl with a purple jacket exclaimed, looking around at the other girls for confirmation.

"That's Heidi's mom!" Red gasped, eyes wide, "So Heidi Turner was the two-faced bitch!" The other girls nodded in agreement.

"The evidence is irrefutable." Wendy said calmly, gaining everyone's attention once more, "It was Heidi Turner who was spreading the rumors all along."

"Freaking whore!" one of the girls yelled angrily.

"Two-faced butt rag!" another growled.

"Fuck Heidi Turner and her fucking two-faced ass!" Bebe snarled, her tone especially brutal.

I noticed Butters looking off to the side, so I followed his gaze to find a girl with long gray-brown hair and a light green jacket with red gloves. She looked like she was about to burst into tears. Butters looked like he felt sorry for her. I felt a twinge of jealousy in my core, but I kept a straight face, reminding myself that sympathy was a major part of Butters' personality. _That must be Heidi._

As the chorus of insults died down, Wendy spoke again. "But Heidi's really sorry, so we're deciding to forgive her." _Really? Wow, that was quick…_

"I love you guys so much!" Heidi cried happily, tears falling down her face.

"We love you too, Heidi!" Bebe said, her friendly tone back again. I sweatdropped. _You're all a bunch of two-faced bitches, if you ask me._ Butters just smiled.

"You have served us well, New Kid, so you have our services." Wendy told me. The other girls nodded in agreement. "Tell the boys we will play their game." She then banged her gavel on her desk. "Sparkle!"

"Sunshine!" the girls all chorused in response. I nodded in thanks, my poker face still in place. Butters grinned happily.

"Aw, thanks girls. We'll let the kings know." he said, grabbing my hand and walking out the door, stopping only to call back, "Make sure to get cool costumes in preparation for the final battle!"

"Will do!" Wendy replied, and we left, heading back to the Elven Forest. As soon as we came through the door to the backyard, we were immediately surrounded by humans and elves alike.

"You're back!" one of the elves exclaimed.

"Are you guys okay?" Token asked, glancing at the scar on my eye as he remembered my fight with the Bard. I saw Tweek standing close behind him, still unusually quiet and looking depressed. I signaled Butters to comfort the coffee addict while I spoke with the leaders.

"Well, look who's back." a familiar voice spoke to me. I turned to see Stan approaching me. "You finally get the girls on our side?"

I nodded, not failing to notice the hint of nervousness in his voice at the mention of the girls.

He looked at me, noticing the odd look I was giving him, and sighed. "The girls' leader, Wendy, was my off-and-on girlfriend for a time. I don't think she's forgiven me for breaking up with her. None of them have, actually."

I nodded in understanding, turning to look at Stan's secret boyfriend, who was, at that moment, arguing with the Grand Wizard. Stan and I walked over to them, gaining their attention.

"Commander Douchebag! You have returned!" Kyle exclaimed when he saw me.

"Where are the girls, Commander Douchebag?" Cartman asked, getting straight to the point.

Being a man (boy) and few (no) words, I simply pulled up my Facebook page, where the girls could be seen discussing the battle (or, rather, what to wear to the battle). The two kings smiled at my success. The Elven King went over to the base of his throne, his loyal warrior guard at his side.

"Everyone, listen up!" he called, slamming his staff on the first step of the platform. Everyone in the kingdom turned toward him. "The girls have agreed to fight by our side!" he announced, raising his arms. The kingdom erupted in cheers, accompanied by several awed gasps at my accomplishment. They clearly didn't think I could do it, as determined by some frustrated groans and mumbles of "There goes my allowance for the week…"

"The Pirates and the Federation factions are standing by to fight as well, my Lord." Stan informed his King, looking at his iPhone.

"Then the time for talk is over!" Cartman yelled, "Let us make haste to Clyde's House!"

"I don't think so." I thought, looking at the rapidly-darkening sky. As if on cue, Kyle's mother appeared in the doorway.

"It's time for bed, Bubbala." she called, eliciting laughs form several of the boys in the yard.

"Mom!" Kyle yelled, embarrassed.

"You boys better get home, too. Your parents are worried sick." Kyle's mother addressed the rest of us.

At her command, everyone dispersed, seeming to know better that to argue with the hot-headed Jewish woman, whom I had heard rumors about. Stan headed inside with Kyle in order to "discuss the battle plans" for tomorrow. I hid a knowing smile, looking around for Butters, only to find him still comforting Tweek. Nodding to myself, I messaged Butters' parents, asking them to let Butters stay at Tweek's for the night.

As we were all walking back home, I saw Butters check his phone out of the corner of my eye, his eyes widening at the message he had received. I knew it was his parents giving him permission to have a sleepover with Tweek when he turned to look at me with an odd mixture of shock and appreciation. Tweek, reading the message over Butters' shoulder, also looked at me, smiling in gratitude. He knew I was responsible. I simply pretended not to notice, although they both caught the sideways glance I sent their way.

After I got back to my house, I was greeted by my parents, my dad scolding me for not answering as usual. Making my way up to my room, I checked my phone to see a message from Butters thanking me for arranging the sleepover with Tweek. I told him to take care of the caffeine addict, and after he texted me goodnight, I typed a message to someone who really needed to be snapped back to his senses.


	30. Meeting of Thieves

I sat at the top of the play structure at the park, awaiting the person I had called out. With the lowest level of my Dragonborn sight active, it was impossible for any mortal to sneak up on me, even a high-level thief like him.

As I sat there, I sensed a presence behind me. I turned to face the fellow of my class, silently greeting Craig Tucker as he approached me. He nodded in return, looking slightly uncomfortable (meaning, of course, that he was VERY uncomfortable).

"You summoned me, Commander Douchebag?" he asked, his monotonous voice hiding his inner anxiety.

I nodded, allowing my eyes to glow as I glared at him. He recoiled, feeling the heat of my gaze. He knew precisely what this was about.

"Tweek…isn't doing well, is he?" Craig practically whispered, his voice cracking with guilt. I simply shook my head, my glare not wavering.

"…look…I'm only on Clyde's side because he's my friend…and he has the Stick." he said quickly, trying to justify his decision. I crossed my arms, raising an eyebrow at him.

"What's that look for? Of course I care about Tweek!" Craig yelled indignantly at my expression's implied accusation. His voice softened as he asked, "Where is he now?"

I held up my phone, showing him the message I had sent to Butters' dad arranging his sleepover with Tweek. Craig sighed with relief.

"He's in good hands." the thief said, leaning against the railing on the outside of the play structure. He tensed up again when he saw that my eyes were still glowing. He sighed. "Okay, what do you want from me?"

"Answers." I replied, letting him hear the venom in my icy voice.

Craig shuddered at my ferocity. "I already told you, Clyde's my friend. He's been my friend ever since we were in kindergarten. We're always on the same team."

"And Tweek?" I asked, causing him to shudder again.

"I love Tweek. More than anything." Craig replied, tears forming at the corners of his eyes, "I tried to get him to join us, but the thought of being a traitor scared him. It's not like I WANTED to leave him!"

"Then why did you betray us at all?" I asked, my own monotonous voice chilling the already-frozen air around us.

"Because Clyde has the Stick! So he controls the universe!" Craig yelled at me, his guilt overwhelming him, "He actually gives me a title worthy of my skills!"

"A title?!" I asked incredulously, "You abandoned Tweek for a title?!" I had finally snapped.

"I didn't abandon him!" Craig barked back, "Once the Dark Army prevails, I will make sure he gets a good position! I would never let anyone hurt him!"

"You don't get it, do you?" I growled dangerously, "You've hurt him more than any opponent ever could. Even the underpants gnomes haven't scarred him as much as you have."

Craig almost fell off the play structure, my comment burning him to the very core. His voice trembled as tears streamed down his face.

"You don't know what you're talking about!" he cried in a half-hearted attempt to retort, "This conversation is over! Once you see the true power of the Dark Side, you'll have no choice but to bow down before us!"

"I'd sooner die." I said as the traitorous thief disappeared. I took a deep breath, calming myself as the glowing of my eyes dimmed. With their heat gone, the chill from the air sent shivers throughout my entire being. I looked around at all of the buildings around the park, their windows dark and absent. I then took in the sight of the deserted park, an aura of loneliness darkening the dimly-lit area.

Raising my head to gaze at the stars, I inhaled deeply the nighttime mountain air, closing my eyes as the icy wind blew through my hair. Losing myself in the frozen air, I cooled my heated spirit, knowing that I would need my strength for the upcoming battle. Then, with my spirit settled, I, too, disappeared from the silent park. However, rather than return home, I headed into another part of town, where another meeting was set to take place.


	31. An Unexpected Alliance

The night was dark and moonless as I strolled through the deserted town. After my talk with Craig, I had to let myself cool down, although my earlier meditation did help. Still, despite my leisurely pace, I soon arrived at my destination: the South Park movie theater.

Due to the darkness that covered the town (they didn't have many street lights, and the ones they did have were _mysteriously_ off), the movie theater looked haunted. Being an angel, the darkness didn't bother me, although it did remind me why I was there. As I entered the theater (which was already unlocked), I saw a movie playing soundlessly on the screen. It was a stupid movie starring Rob Schneider as a stapler. I stood there in the aisle, staring blankly at the screen. That's when a childish voice spoke from one of the seats next to me.

"Never have I seen anything as vile and repulsive as the one the mortals call Rob Schneider." it said, the fire it held burning through the darkness.

"And you would know." I replied, my icy voice unwavering.

I turned to the other boy, who just stood up from his seat. He had pale skin, even paler than mine, but his hair and clothes were completely black. The only parts of his body that had any color were his eyes, which glowed a bright, fiery yellow.

"I am Damien, the Antichrist! Son of Satan!" he said, facing me, "Why did you summon me, Dragonborn?"

I stood unflinching in front of the high-level demon, completely unfazed by the evil oozing from every pore in his human body.

"There's a battle fast approaching, one you might take interest in." I replied, my eyes glowing red as my Dragonborn powers activated, "Against a mortal calling himself the Dark Lord."

At the mention of Clyde's self-given title, Damien's eyes lit up with rage, just as I had predicted.

"What?" he growled, "Some mortal dares to carry my father's title?!"

"Indeed." I replied, "He commands an army of Nazi Zombies, so he thinks he controls the world."

"That fool!" Damien snarled, his anger rising, "Who does he think he is? He'll pay for this!"

"I thought you might say that." I said, keeping my voice calm so that I could counter the demon's energy if it got out of control.

"I'll join this fight." Damien said, his voice low with rage. His tone then became sadistic as he smirked at me. "Besides, I owe you one. That little "alien shipwreck" stunt has made things quite eventful around here. I was getting bored until you showed up again."

I smirked back, although mine was far more bitter. "I'm glad someone's enjoying that total fuck-up."

At my comment, Damien burst out laughing. "I'm the Son of Satan! I LIVE for fuck-ups!"

"So I recall." I said in agreement, before remembering something, "By the way, are you going to bring your mate with you?"

Damien paused, his rage temporarily gone from his eyes as he smiled, a rare sight.

"Perhaps. He likes to act gentle, but he can be vicious when he gets angry." He gazed at the theater's exit, clearly thinking of his beloved.

"So I've heard." I said, subconsciously looking in the same direction, "My mate told me a story of how your mate broke a boy's nose with a dodgeball when he was still alive."

Damien laughed, clearly recalling the same thing. "Of course! I remember he knocked out entire teams with one dodgeball! All you have to do is call him French."

I chuckled. "Typical of the Brits. They're always fighting with the French."

Damien was nodding, still recovering from his laughter, when he suddenly perked up. "Wait. Your mate? Since when did you have a mate?"

"Since about two nights ago." I said, looking in the general direction of Butters' house, "A rather recent development, although the mortals would still call us boyfriends."

"Mortals are stupid." Damien snorted, "Anyway, who is he?"

I chuckled. "You'll see." I said, my expression something between a smile and a smirk, "If you join the fight. He'll be there."

Damien's eyes narrowed, not pleased with my lack of straight answers. "I'll know him when I see him?"

My eyes met his narrowed gaze. "You will."

Damien sighed, although he didn't sound too disappointed. "Fine. I'll be there. I'll even convince my mate to join the fun as well. You've gained my curiosity."

I smirked. "That's my job, isn't it? In order to unite people, you've gotta draw them in."

"Is that why you don't talk to mortals?" Damien asked me.

"Nah." I replied, "I just can't stand small talk."

Damien snorted in agreement, his fiery yellow eyes fading to a dull brown. My eyes returned to their usual obsidian shade, the scar on my left eye burning as blood ran down my face. Damien noticed this.

"That scar still giving you trouble?" he asked.

"Yeah." I replied, "I doubt its effects will ever completely fade."

"Have you found _him_ yet?" the demon asked knowingly. I smiled bitterly.

"Yeah. _He's_ here."

"You really should let me handle _him_." Damien told me, looking serious, "You know it's a serious crime to-"

"I know the severity of what _he's_ done." I interrupted, returning his serious gaze, "Which is why I should be the one to handle him. How can a leader protect his followers when he can't even protect himself?"

Damien still looked unsure, but he nodded in understanding, turning to leave the theater, with me following behind. Out there, we were met by a group of animals wearing various winter accessories.

"Prince Damien!" a chickadee chirped happily, "We're heading to a blood orgy in the Lost Forest! Wanna come?"

I recoiled slightly at the thought of a "blood orgy". Luckily, the animals had yet to notice me, so I remained in the shadows.

"Not tonight, Chickadee-y." Damien answered, "I've got a battle to prepare for." _Chickadee-y?_

"Oooh! A battle? Sounds like fun!" a little bear purred, clearly liking the idea of a battle.

"Oh, it will be, Beary." Damien grinned, purring in excitement as well. _Beary?_

"Who will you be facing?" a gray rabbit asked.

"A mortal who has dared to claim my father's title." Damien growled, eyes flashing yellow in rage. The animals started.

"WHAT?!" a skunk screamed in a mix of anger and fear.

"How dare a mere mortal claim the title of the great Lord Satan?!" a fox barked, furious.

"We'll tear 'em to shreds!" a beaver declared, snapping its jaws shut as its sharpened teeth glistened.

"Hey." a more gentle voice belonging to a female porcupine piped up, "Who's that?"

At her question, all of the animals turned to look at me. I tensed, readying for a fight as my eyes glowed red. These animals were radical Devil-worshipers. They could be very dangerous, especially to angels in mortal forms. Damien stepped forward, yellow eyes on the animals.

"That…" he said, "…is the rarest type of angel in existence: the Dragonborn."

The entire group of animals looked at me with wide, terrified eyes as they scurried backward.

"The Dragonborn?!" a squirrel chittered nervously.

"I-Impossible…" a baby deer whimpered, "The Dragonborn is one of the most powerful angels ever…"

"What's the Dragonborn doing here with the great Antichrist?" the chickadee (Chickadee-y) chirped, just barely brave enough to face me, "What's a pure being like you doing here?" The word "pure" was spoken with immeasurable disgust.

"Oh no!" the bear gasped, "Porcupiney just fainted!" _Porcupiney?_

"You bastard!" the fox roared.

The group of animals turned toward me, this time in anger, and charged, sharpened teeth and claws bared. Knowing that I wasn't going to get any help from Damien, I activated my spirit manifest.

Spirit manifestation is a technique through which a spiritual being can materialize their souls in the physical world. The degrees of materialization can range from merely gaining an intimidating aura that is more felt than seen to actually turning into a physical incarnation of one's spirit. To face the little woodland critters, who were attacking out of fear, I activated the first stage.

The animals, as they got close, suddenly froze in their tracks as an unearthly chill consumed them. Although nothing could be seen, they sensed a dark presence looming over them, ready to send them to an early grave, its blood-red eyes filled with murderous intent.

Damien, who was watching this spectacle in amusement, grinned, standing next to me as I released the animals.

"Calm down, guys." he said, "The Dragonborn is the one who told me about the mortal who is attempting to steal my father's title."

The animals, now once again at a safe distance, looked at me again, a sense of grudging respect in their gazes.

"Furthermore," Damien continued, "This angel is the one who crashed the ship that released the Nazi Zombie goo, which I know you've been having fun with."

The animals stared at me again, this time in awe, as I hid my eyes behind my hair, still not proud of what I'd done. At least the Devil-worshiping creatures had stopped attacking me.

"…alright." the fox relented as the rest of the group settled down, "I guess, as angels go, he isn't all that good." The others muttered various agreements. I sweatdropped.

"But of course." Damien said, grinning again, "Do you honestly believe I'd tolerate the presence of such a pure being if he didn't have some bad in him, Foxy?" _I give up._

"Come one, guys." the beaver (Beavery, I'm guessing) called to the others, "Let's get to the Lost Forest and start the blood orgy! There's no way Porcupiney would ever sleep through a blood orgy!"

"Yeah!" the other animals yelled cheerfully as they carried the still-unconscious porcupine into the forest. Once they were out of sight, Damien turned back to me, chuckling.

"Adorable, aren't they?"

"That's one word for them." I muttered, looking in the direction they had gone, "They're certainly very loyal to your father."

"They'll be loyal to you too." Damien said as I got twelve new friend requests on Facebook, "Your power has impressed them."

"Probably because it's dark and demonic." I growled, remembering how often I've been mistaken for a demon.

Damien laughed again. "More like because you froze them in their tracks without even moving. Devil-worshipers may be evil, but they do respect power."

I huffed in grudging acceptance, turning to walk back toward my house. "Speaking of power, I need to save the amount I have left for the battle tomorrow. I suggest you do the same."

Damien just continued laughing. Demons always became happier at the thought of violence. "Please! I've got energy to BURN! You'd just better hope I don't scorch the entire battlefield!"

I nodded, starting to walk away, before stopping and calling, "Just leave some fun for the rest of us! I won't be the only other spirit there!"

"If you insist! You're the host, after all!" he called back, and I could hear the grin in his voice. I allowed a small smirk in return as I headed back to my house, ready to get some rest in preparation for tomorrow (although it was technically morning already).

Despite being opposing entities, angel and demon, I actually get along rather well with the Antichrist. Part of it has to do with the fact that Dragonborns are frequently mistaken for demons. Also, despite the amount of hatred, fear, and blame they get from the mortals, demons are not entirely bad. As Damien's father once said so eloquently, "Without evil, there can be no good, so it must be good to be evil sometimes."

I passed by Tweek's house, exchanging a glance and a nod with the caffeine addict, who was sitting next to the sleeping Butters with his ever-present coffee mug on his bedside table, before finally returning home.

I looked up at the darkened sky as I reached my house, withdrawing my wings as I climbed back into my still-open window, bathing the sleeping town in a gentle silver light as I released the moon from the clouds that had bound it.


	32. The March of War

It was 5:00 pm in South Park, Colorado. The sun was already beginning to set behind the mountains, its orange glow covering the little mountain town, giving it a fiery look that contradicted its icy temperatures.

In that fiery glow, in front of an innocent-looking brown house, stood an army of children, ranging in age from four to twelve years, all of them wearing costumes. Some of them were dressed in clothing that resembled Lord of the Rings, while others were dressed as pirates and Vikings. Some were even dressed as characters from Star Trek. All of them stood together, ready for battle, staring in anticipation at the dark castle set in a tree that was four stories high. I, the Dragonborn, stood among them, near the front of the pack.

At the front of the group, leading the attack, were the Grand Wizard and the Elf King. As the Wizard stared angrily at the castle, the King turned to the gathered army.

"Tonight, we are not elves and humans!" he yelled, looking at the army, "Tonight…we fight as ONE!"

"Huzzah!" the army cheered.

"What we do here now…" the Wizard added, unwilling to let his rival get all of the attention, "…will be sung about on Youtube for days to come!'

"KRAAAH!" The army was getting pumped.

"Let us besiege the army of darkness with the courage of dragons!" the Wizard yelled, raising his staff, "Let us delve their dungeon with swords and sorcery!" The Elf King stood at the side, gripping his staff as he briefly brushed shoulders with the warrior who stood beside him.

"Let us charge our shields and use photon torpedoes to vaporize the Klingons!" a boy dressed in a Star Trek outfit suddenly blurted out beside me. Everyone turned to look at him, sweatdropping. The Grand Wizard pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Kevin…God dammit. Every. Fucking. Time, Kevin. God-fucking-dammit seriously." Kevin looked at the warriors around him, who were now all glaring, and looked down sadly. I patted his shoulder comfortingly, although my facial expression remained apathetic.

"ARMY OF JUSTICE!" the Grand Wizard bellowed, rallying the army, "PREPARE!"

At that command, everyone raised their weapons.

"READY!"

The tension was suffocating.

"AND!"

The paladin to my right gripped my hand, which I squeezed in return.

"LET'S BEAT UP CLYDE!"

The moment those words left Cartman's mouth, the entire army charged at the house, cramming themselves through the doorway as Clyde's father looked on in astonished confusion.

As our army entered Clyde's backyard, the warriors of the Dark Army charged out to meet us. The two groups collided, the clang of steel filling the darkening sky.

"We're coming for you, Clyde!" Cartman called to the Dark Lord, who stood at the top of the Dark Castle.

"Just try it, losers!" Clyde retorted, disappearing into the castle.

"Ow! I'm hit!" a female voice cried out. I looked to see Wendy kneeling on the ground. There was a bruise on her leg, but that didn't seem to be her main concern. "They tore my costume! I worked really hard on it!"

I refrained from rolling my eyes, signaling for Butters to heal Wendy while I used Nagasaki to break down the gate that blocked the moat.

"Commander Douchebag!" I heard Stan call, "You take the tower from the inside! Me and the pirates are gonna scale it from the outside!" I nodded as Stan and the army of pirates he was leading flanked the castle. I noticed Kyle's adopted Canadian brother, Ike, was leading the group alongside the warrior, forcing me to hide a knowing grin.

I headed into the castle. Noticing that my paladin companion was busy healing injured warriors, I headed in alone, knowing exactly who I was going to be facing.


	33. Clash of Thieves

I climbed up the levels of the castle's interior as instructed. Because everyone was busy fighting outside, I was alone. It was alright, though. I was used to fighting on my own.

As I plowed through the Dark Lord's foot soldiers, I glanced out the window and noticed a pair of glowing yellow eyes. I turned to see Damien sitting on the roof of Clyde's house, grinning. There was a little blond kid sitting next to him, looking politely amused, a sharp contrast to the demon's face-splitting grin. I smirked. _So you managed to convince him to show up after all._

Knowing Damien, he wouldn't do much more than observe the carnage around him (casting an occasional fire ball or two) until the battle with the Dark Lord himself began, so I simply continued my solo assault on the castle's interior.

As I made my way through the castle's levels, I ran into a group of "mighty Cyclops" that weren't so mighty by the time I was through with them. However, once I got past them, I was faced with a large group of Nazi Zombies, which were much tougher, partially due to the sheer number of them, but also because the group included adults and animals as well as kids. _Terrific._

As I slashed the last of the Zombies with my flaming Dragonfang, I looked to see the ladder leading up to the next level had collapsed after receiving a blow from a fallen Nazi Zombie. _Now what?_

"Douchebag!" I heard someone call. _Stan!_

I turned to see Stan and his group of pirates outside the window, climbing up ropes. "We've got your back! Pirates, help the Commander!" he commanded. A moment later, a rope ladder dropped down from the next level, accompanied by an excited, "Avast, Douchebag!" from one of the pirates. I smiled internally. _I guess I'm not alone._

Climbing the ladder brought me to a platform with a gate that led into the higher level of the castle. The pirates were fighting against a group of cyclops who were guarding the gate. I saw Ike sitting on the platform, crying as one of the cyclops laughed at him. My eyes flashed red.

"What kind of asshole picks on a little kid?" I thought angrily, knocking the cyclops off of the platform with the hilt of my sword, sending him crashing into the roof of the level I had just come from. _Serves him right._

"Yay!" Ike yelled happily, hugging me tightly in joy. I patted his head, looking at the object the cyclops was guarding. _Fireworks._

I tapped the younger boy's shoulder, making him look up at me, although his arms remained latched around my waist. I pointed to the fireworks, winking at the young Canadian. He looked at the fireworks, then grinned at me psychotically and, pulling out a match, lit them, nearly blowing up the whole level.

As everyone took cover, with me shielding Ike, the gate leading into the heart of the castle disintegrated, leaving the entrance wide open. Ike cheered again when the boards we were standing on stabilized, and I patted his head in praise.

"Let's go kick some ass!" Stan yelled, with the pirates cheering in agreement. However, before we could advance, a large group of cyclops, alerted by the loud explosion, surrounded our level, preparing to attack.

"Oh, that's just great." Stan snarled, irritated, "Go on ahead, Douchebag! We'll take care of these assholes!" I nodded, heading through the exposed entrance.

Inside, the room was dark, and it was eerily silent. I felt a chill in the air, and I knew who I was about to face.

"Douchebag." a voice sounded from the darkness.

"Craig." I answered, my icy voice adding to the chilled tension between us.

"I knew you'd make it here." Craig said, his voice so monotonous that he actually sounded dead, "But this is as far as you go."

I did not respond, simply drawing my Dragonfang, the flame from its blade illuminating the room in an angry glow. Craig jumped down from the platform that he'd been standing on and drew his sword, which glowed red with the power of vampires. One slash from that blade could drain my life energy through my blood, making it very dangerous. I intensified my blade's flames, preparing for a difficult battle.

"Now let's see how you fare against the Dark Lord's chief assassin!" Craig challenged me, although even that sounded hollow. As our blades collided, our strength evenly matched, we both heard Stan and the pirates enter the room.

"There they are!" Stan yelled, glaring at Craig, "Pirates! Get the traitor!"

"I don't have time for you." Craig growled, jumping back to a lever, "Cows! Keep them busy!" He then pulled the lever, releasing seven Nazi Zombie cows to attack the warrior and his pirates, earning a frustrated "God dammit, Craig!" from Stan.

With his attention back to me, Craig lunged again, which I barely managed to block. We went back and forth, each of us exchanging blows. As Craig began to weaken, he pulled out a smoke bomb, smirking at me.

"Why fight one Craig when you can fight five?" he asked, his monotone remaining, igniting the smoke bomb. When the smoke cleared, five Craigs stood facing me, swords raised.

"How's that fair?" I thought, which was quickly followed by another question, "And why are two of the Craigs different ethnicities?"

The five Craigs lunged at me, swinging their swords wildly. I jumped above the horde, bringing the hilt of my sword down on the back of one of the Craigs (an Asian one). To my surprise, he went down immediately. The same thing happened with the other three clones (one of them was black, and another was fat, not that it has anything to do with it) until only the real Craig was left.

Craig growled wordlessly, frustrated that his secret technique failed. However, the distraction the clones provided did give him a chance to heal, leaving him with the advantage. I narrowed my eyes, unwilling to use my Dragonborn powers against a non-spiritual being.

Craig lunged, slashing my chest, his sword draining my life's blood as it spilled from the wound. I coughed, blood from my insides rising in my throat. I glared at my opponent, spitting the blood in his face, forcing him back.

"Sick!" he cried, trying to get the metallic liquid off his eyelids. Using the distraction, I slashed his left side, putting my Dragonfang's secondary ability into effect.

"Ah!" Craig gasped in pain, beginning to shiver as frost covered his body.

That's right. My Dragonfang's secondary ability is ice. Most opponents are distracted by the fire that cloaks the outside of the blade, so they don't notice the icy mist that lies underneath. The fact that I can cause freeze my enemies while simultaneously setting them on fire only adds to their confusion (and my amusement).

With my opponent slowed, I had once again gained the upper hand. As I charged again, Craig raised his sword in an attempt to counter. However, due to the ice slowing him down, I easily side-stepped him, slashing his other side. He cringed as ice crystals formed in the wound, jumping back and grabbing another smoke bomb.

"You're going down, bastard!" he gasped, summoning four more clones. As the clones attacked, Craig pulled out a throwing knife. While I was fending off the clones, he threw it, the small blade sinking into my right leg. I inhaled sharply, the pain excruciating.

I fell to one knee, unable to keep the clones at bay. I looked at Stan and the pirates, but the zombified cows kept them from assisting me. I closed my eyes, preparing to take the attack head-on, when a voice cried from the room's entrance, a mixture of fear and rage giving it a vicious quality that froze the clones, along with everyone else in the room.

"Sage!" I turned to see none other than the faithful paladin Butters standing in the destroyed doorway, a horrified look on his face. His gaze then hardened into the most ferocious glare I've ever seen as his focus shifted to Craig. Oh, if looks could kill…

Butters charged forward, knocking a Nazi Zombie cow out of his way like it was nothing. He swung his hammer in a wide half-circle, driving the clones back as he stood in front of me.

"Stay back, Sage!" Butters commanded, not even looking at me. I tried to get up, not wanting him to fight alone, but I just collapsed again, coughing up more blood. Butters looked back at me, his gaze softening as concern temporarily showed through his rage.

"Don't move, Sage." he commanded again, more gently this time, "You're hurt." My eyes widened as his filled with tears. "You've always protected me." the paladin said sadly, his guilt obvious "Now it's my turn to protect you." He then turned back to Craig and his clones, fire filling his eyes so that they seemed to glow, not unlike my own.

"Now…" Butters growled, his voice taking a dark and…chaotic tone. I stared at my boyfriend in shock as he began laughing maniacally, "Let's see how you like dealing with me!"

Suddenly, from the dark clouds circling the castle, a bright flash filled the room as a lightning bolt struck the paladin.

"Butters!" I mentally screamed, although it only came out of my mouth as a whisper. I was rendered speechless (more so than usual), however, when, standing in place of the little paladin, was a muscled giant. He looked like a demigod version of Butters, with silver armor covering his usual paladin outfit. A dark green cape flowed around him, the power he radiated moving the cloak. In the center of his forehead was a red gem with a yellow center, and there was a silver chain around his neck.

"Prepare, fools, to face the wrath of…Professor Chaos!" Butters- no, Professor Chaos- roared, bringing his now-massive hammer down on the clones, driving them all straight through the floor. With them taken care of, he turned to Craig, who was staring at the former pushover with wide, terrified eyes. Chaos brought his hands together, creating an orb of violent white light that he shot at Craig, seeming to destroy him.

"Damn, Butters. Overkill, much?" I thought, actually worried for Craig's safety. I then looked at the giant again, a thoughtful look on my face. "So that's Professor Chaos…" Butters/Chaos smirked at his victory before transforming back to his normal adorable form. His eyes then widened and he rushed over to me, ignoring Stan and the pirates, who were all staring at him with wide eyes and mouths (the cows had been destroyed by the paladin's chaotic aura).

"Sage! Are you alright?! You're hurt bad!" he cried, distressed. I continued to stare at him wordlessly.

"What's wrong, Sage?" the paladin asked me as he began healing my wounds. I pointed at Craig, or rather, the dust cloud that was where Craig once stood. "Oh, him. He got what he deserved." Butters answered my unspoken question, his gaze hardening. I recoiled slightly at his harsh words, which in turn made him look at me apologetically.

"Why did you fight Craig on your own?" Butters asked me, his protective side taking over, "You know I would've come if you'd called."

I looked at the dust cloud, which was lingering much longer than usual.

"Personal reasons." I replied emotionlessly, "Thieves handle other thieves." Butters nodded in understanding as Stan, who had just recovered from his shock at Butters' power, walked over.

"Not bad, Butters." he said, nodding to the paladin, though Butters himself barely acknowledged the compliment in favor of focusing on healing me. He did look up in acknowledgement, however, in response to Stan's next comment, "You never change, do ya, Sage?"

Butters looked between me and Stan, his eyes wide at the fact that Stan knew my name. I simply snorted.

"Neither do you, Stan." I growled, hissing as the words aggravated the wound on my chest.

"Stan…" Butters muttered as he turned his attention to said wound, "How do you know Sage's name?"

Stan looked at the paladin, then looked at me, as if for permission. I just shrugged, or at least attempted to from my current position on my back.

"You might say we're…old friends." Stan replied, trying to figure out how to word our previous associations without giving away too much.

"_Very_ old friends." I added, smirking at the glare I got from Stan and the confused look I got from Butters.

Once my wounds had been healed, the leaders of the group and their closest allies gathered on the platform where Craig had once stood. The group consisted of me, Butters, Stan, Kyle, Jimmy, Kenny, and Cartman. The pirates stayed back to guard the entrance. We were going to lead the final assault.

"Come on! We're almost to Clyde!" Kyle commanded, excitement filling his voice. Everyone cheered, heading up the stairs towards Clyde.

I stopped, letting the others get ahead of me as I turned back toward the dust cloud where Craig had been. I looked down at it, trying to find the source of the powerful energy that had appeared in that area right before Craig had been hit. It was the same energy that was holding the dust cloud in place, and it felt familiar to me. As I stared at the cloud, I felt an unspoken request for identification, one known only to spiritual beings. I complied, letting my eyes glow red. In response, the other being let his eyes turn a bright, violent shade of orange. It was then that I recognized who he was.

I knew that there was something about him that was not from this mortal realm from the moment I had first seen his mortal form at the coffee shop. Now, with his power activated, there was no doubt in my mind who he was. An Angel of Sacrifice, he is among the noble beings that take on the suffering of others in order to lessen the burden on mortals, even gaining the ability to use that suffering to fuel his power. His human name even describes the involuntary movement of his body that his power causes.

The Lord of Paranoia.

Tweek Tweak


	34. I guess that's how

"What's keeping you, Douchebag?" Cartman yelled impatiently. I walked up to them wordlessly. "Hurry up! We need to make Clyde pay!" Cartman slammed his staff on the floor.

"Dad?!" Stan yelled suddenly. We all looked and sure enough, there was Randy Marsh, dressed the same way as the rest of the kids. _Ok, then._

"Hey! It's my favorite kid!" Randy yelled happily, running up to…me? _Ouch._ I looked at Stan, but he just shrugged, clearly used to it.

"Listen!" Randy said, kneeling in front of me, "I found out what they were doing at the abortion clinic!"

I raised my eyebrow as the kids around me started muttering to each other. Butters stepped closer to me, tensing at the memory of our battle with El Feto Grande.

"They were looking for a candidate to put a snuke into!" Randy continued fearfully, causing everyone to gasped in shock, "They're gonna nuke ALL OF SOUTH PARK!"

Everyone in our group began muttering again, this time in panic.

"This is bad…" Kyle whispered, clutching Stan's hand in search for comfort. That's the first time I had ever heard fear in the Elf King's voice.

"Where is it, Dad?" Stan asked seriously, pulling his boyfriend closer to him.

"Here." Randy replied gravely, "The people claiming to be Taco Bell planted it in this castle." He then stood up, walking over to a window and staring out at the darkened sky. "We should have known. We should have known that Taco Bell is far too compassionate and caring to be so secretive. The quality of their character, like the quality of their food, should have never come into question."

"Dad!" Stan called, snapping Randy back to reality, "Where is the woman with the snuke?"

Randy turned back to us, looking grim.

"They…didn't put it in a woman…" he mumbled, leading us down the hallway.

"Not in a woman?" I thought, confused. Butters grabbed my hand, which I gripped back. "Snukes are nuclear bombs that are designed to fit inside a woman's vagina. Who else could it have been…oh…"

"All I remember was that there were these big government guys and they wrestled me to the floor at my house." Mr. Slave told us, struggling against the ropes that had him tied to a pole. _How fitting._ "And then I remember thinking, "Well this is fun. But wait-is that a thermonuclear device?" I had some drinks, so putting a thermonuclear device up my ass wasn't COMPLETELY out of the question…" He then looked at the floor, saying sadly, "Oh Jesus Christ, how long do I have?"

"We don't know, Mr. Slave, but it could be a matter of MINUTES." Randy replied, surprisingly calm. Slave, on the other hand, panicked.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Pull it out!" he yelled, holding out his ass. Cartman looked at it nervously before slowly reaching for it. However, before he could get close, Kyle slapped him.

"No! We can't just pull it out! Snukes have triggers on them!" he yelled, also near panic, "We have to abort it. From the inside." _Aw, hell._

"Oh, come on, Kahl! Who knows how to do abortions AND can get really really small?" Cartman retorted angrily. Everyone started thinking, except Butters and Randy, who both looked at me pleadingly. _Oh, Christ. Fine._

Everyone looked at me as I stepped forward. "What are you doing, Douchebag?" Stan asked. I simply pulled out the powder that the underpants gnomes had given me and, sprinkling some on myself, shrank.

"Oh, look! He all small!" Mr. Slave exclaimed.

"Wow, this kid is FULL of surprises!" Randy exclaimed, although he had already seen me shrink at the abortion clinic, "Quick! Get up there and disarm the snuke! Hurry!"

"Good luck, New Kid!" Kyle said, gratitude and admiration in his voice. Stan saluted me.

"Be careful!" Butters called, worried.

I nodded, unnoticeably, and climbed up the distressed man's leg, crawling into his anus while trying to keep myself from hurling. The things I do for this world…


	35. Forgive me

_This is it. I'm done for._

These were the words going through my head as I watched the massive ball of light heading right for me. Even through the attack, I could see the hatred in my opponent's eyes. He would never forgive me for hurting his precious boyfriend, and therefore planned to kill me. I shut my eyes, the light blinding me, and waited for my death. But the attack never struck. I could hear its impact, and the light dimmed, but I had a feeling that I wasn't dead, or even unconscious. Daring to open my eyes, I looked up from where I lay.

He looked like an angel. The attack he was blocking was creating a halo around his body, the energy tugging at his messy golden locks like a violent wind. He looked different. He was still shirtless (a fact that pleased me), but in place of the dark stripes, there were what looked like orange cracks that covered his body, seeming to originate from the eyes. For some reason, they didn't seem to be painted on, like his stripes were. In his hand was what looked like a double-bladed sword with a hilt in the center just barely big enough for his hand. He was using the blade to block the attack, which would have undoubtedly killed me. He was truly a sight for sore eyes.

"Tweek." I called out to him, though my voice came out as little more than a croak.

"Craig." he replied, his voice terrifyingly calm and…emotionless. The cold tone he used to say my name brought tears to my eyes and, for the first time in the history of forever, I, Craig Tucker, cried. I didn't sob noisily, but I couldn't stop the tears from escaping my eyes, or the constant hitches in my breath. I kept looking at Tweek long enough to see him turn to me before I had to turn away. I'm the one who betrayed him; I shouldn't be the one crying. Tweek turned back to Professor Chaos' attack and swung his double-bladed sword, deflecting the blast into the floor like it was nothing. A cloud of dust rose from the impact crater, and it circled us, refusing to disperse. Hidden from view, I curled up, burying my face in my arms. Frost still covered my body and my burns hurt like hell. I felt Tweek kneel next to me, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"You stupid asshole." he said, his tone more emotionless than mine. I flinched as he grabbed my shoulder, lifting me into a sitting position. I refused to look at him until I heard him sigh, which brought my reluctant eyes back to him. What I saw broke my heart, what was left of it.

His beautiful brown eyes were misty with unshed tears. He wasn't twitching like he usually did; he was trembling. He had a healing potion in his hand, and he was looking down at it.

"Drink this. It'll help." he said, his monotone beginning to fail. He was shaking so much that it was difficult to grab the potion. Once I actually did manage to take hold of it, I drank quickly, easing the cold and the burns at the same time (something must have been done to it, since a regular bottle of water couldn't heal these injuries). I smiled at him, but he just looked away, focusing on healing my wounds. I felt my heart break…again.

"Tweek. Please look at me." I begged him, not caring how pitiful I sounded. He ignored me, seeming to think that treating my injuries was the most interesting thing in the world. I knew he actually hated treating wounds of any sort, much less ones as serious as mine. "Tweek." I pleaded again. He looked at me this time, his eyes conflicted. I could see how desperately he wanted to trust me. I could also see how terrified he was of trusting me. It hurt more than those burns.

"I'm sorry." I said pitifully, knowing that a single apology would not be nearly enough, "Please forgive me."

Tweek narrowed his eyes, silent, not willing to consent to my pleas.

"I know I hurt you." I continued, seeing that he wasn't going to speak, "I know that what I've done to you is unforgivable. I abandoned you when you needed me, and that shame and regret will be with me for as long as I live." Tears began streaming down my face as I said the next part. "I know that you will hate me for this. I know that you won't forgive me. There's no reason you should. But please listen to me now." I took a deep breath, unable to continue. I noticed that Tweek was watching me closely, looking vaguely curious.

"I love you, Tweek." I said sincerely, "I've loved you for a long time. Ever since we first met, I've felt an irresistible urge to protect you, no matter how stupid any of your fears were." I looked up at the blond caffeine addict. His eyes were wide as saucers, but he didn't look mad, so I continued, "You are the only person who can make me smile. The only person who can brighten my day, no matter what. You are my life, and though I won't try to make you love me, just know that you will always have my heart."

I lowered my head, my sobs rendering me unable to speak. I clenched my fists, clutching my cloak as I tried futilely to contain my tears. I expected him to yell at me, to say that he hated me and never wanted to see me again. I expected him to cry, even threaten suicide, or to wish for my death. What he actually did, however, I was not expecting.

I gasped as I felt a pair of thin, yet surprisingly strong arms wrap around my body, pulling me into a warm embrace.

"Don't cry, Craig." I heard Tweek say, his voice no longer trembling and a smile coloring his tone, "I forgive you."

I pulled away and looked at the unusually calm caffeine addict, unable to contain my astonishment.

"B-But I betrayed you!" I stuttered, exasperation temporarily overshadowing my relief. Part of me cried out that I shouldn't be arguing, but the other, more ethical part, knew that I didn't deserve such kindness. "How can you forgive me so easily?!"

"Because I love you too." Tweek said simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. My heart skipped a beat as my mouth opened and closed wordlessly. Seeing my obvious shock, he continued, "Yes, you betrayed me, and it hurt terribly, but that doesn't change the fact that I love you. You usually follow Clyde, so when he turned traitor, it's only natural for you to do so as well. He's your best friend, after all…" He trailed off, sounding a little sad. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"But you mean more to me than anything!" I yelled, unable to stop myself, "I should never have abandoned you! You need me a hundred times more than Clyde does, and I need you a thousand times more than I need him. You should hate me! Nobody should be this selfless and forgiving!"

"Angels can be." Tweek replied softly, his eyes turning upward.

"Angels?" I asked, confused.

Tweek didn't respond. Instead, he continued to look up, as if waiting for something. I followed his gaze, trying to discern what Tweek was looking at. Suddenly, a pair of glowing red lights appeared through the still-lingering dust cloud. They looked a little like a pair of eyes.

_Wait...red eyes…it couldn't be…_

"Tweek…is that…what the hell?!" I cried, the sight before me sending fearful shivers down my spine. Tweek's eyes were glowing too, a bright orange color that illuminated the dust cloud, making it look like it was on fire. The markings on his body, which had disappeared after he deflected Professor Chaos' attack, reappeared as well, glowing the same orange as his eyes. The red eyes flashed, as if in response to some unknown signal, before disappearing completely. I looked back at Tweek, who was smiling, the light in his eyes still present.

"Thank you, Dragonborn." he whispered, turning to me. I could almost feel the sparks coming from his eyes. They had me paralyzed.

"The Dragonborn has given me permission to tell you." Tweek said to me, the glow in his eyes radiating a mixture of relief and guilt, "I am not human."

My eyes widened further (if that was possible) and I swear I stopped breathing for a second. Tweek closed his eyes, releasing me from their spell, and continued.

"I am what is known as a Sacrificial Angel. I am a spirit being that absorbs the suffering of others into my own body, so that they may have a more comfortable life in this realm."

"Absorb their…suffering?" I asked, finally locating my voice, which had fled at the sight of the orange glow of his eyes.

"Yes." Tweek replied, opening his (still glowing) eyes again, "Unfortunately, each Angel can absorb only one ailment of the soul. I chose to absorb fear."

I thought that my eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. "You absorb fear?!" I meant to yell, but it came out as little more than a gasp.

Tweek nodded solemnly. "Unfortunately, even I can't take away all fear from the mortal realm. It would destroy me. Even so, every time I see fear within others, I can't help but feel that I have failed them."

"Forget that!" I yelled (successfully, this time), catching the caffeine addict off guard, "You suffer from paranoia, causing you to become addicted to caffeine, all to lessen the suffering of OTHER PEOPLE?!"

Tweek blinked at me, looking confused. "Of course. That's what Sacrificial Angels do."

"And you CHOSE to do this?!" I cried, exasperated.

"Yes. Sacrificial Angels always choose their path." Tweek replied, clearly not understanding the reason for my anger.

I stared at him, speechless. After a few minutes, Tweek began twitching, looking uncomfortable.

"Craig?" he called uncertainly, starting to sound more like his usual self. I didn't respond. Instead, I stood up, staggering slightly, and latched my arms around the twitchy blond when he moved to catch me.

"Tweek." I muttered, never wanting to let the other boy go, "Please, give me some of your pain. Let me help you."

"I cannot do that." Tweek replied apologetically, "I can transfer my pain to others, but only through curses, and that doesn't lessen my pain for long." I started to cry again (my head was starting to hurt from crying so much), but then Tweek added, "However, if you truly want to help me…" He lifted my chin so that I was looking at him, "…you can do so by staying by my side."

I looked at him with tears in my eyes, and I saw the most beautiful being standing in front of me. And when he smiled at me, wordlessly begging me to stay with him, I couldn't stop myself from leaning forward, pressing my lips against his. An indescribable joy filled me as I felt his smile widen at my unspoken answer, wrapping his arms around my neck as he kissed me back. I snaked my own arms around his waist, pulling the smaller boy closer to me, never wanting to let him go. I didn't hold him too tightly, knowing how afraid he was of being trapped, but when I opened my eyes and looked into his (they had returned to their normal color, finally), I saw no fear, only love. I smiled, resting my forehead against his as we separated.

"I'm sorry I left you." I whispered sincerely, staring directly into my new boyfriend's coffee-colored eyes, "I promise, I'll never do it again."

"I know." Tweek replied, a rare trusting look in his eyes. He then looked around, noticing that the dust cloud was starting to disperse, revealing angry little silhouettes at the edge of it.

"The Pirates." I muttered to myself. Tweek nodded, moving to my right side and wrapping an arm around my waist to support me. Suddenly, remembering my weakened state, I collapsed against him.

"We need to get out of here." Tweek said, his tone calming as his eyes began glowing again.

"What about Clyde?" I asked, remembering his plans to destroy the world (I've known him long enough to know that he was serious), "We have to stop him."

"Don't worry about Clyde." Tweek replied, looking up to where the red eyes had appeared a short while ago, "The Dragonborn will take care of him."

"The Dragonborn? You mean…" I asked, suddenly unsure of how to word my question. Tweek, apparently sensing my uncertainty, smiled and answered.

"His current human name is Sage Amsel, although most people know him as Douchebag now, courtesy of Cartman." Tweek explained, snarling at the mention of Cartman, who he disliked (hell, EVERYONE disliked Cartman), "He is the Angel of Unity."

I stared at Tweek, unable to believe my ears. "A-Angel of Unity?"

Tweek nodded. "The Angel of Unity is a powerful angel whose spirit usually takes the form of a dragon, hence the name "Dragonborn". He gave me permission to reveal myself to you." _So those WERE his eyes after all!_ "He is a powerful spirit being. He'll take care of Clyde." He then lowered his eyes as his voice darkened. "Or at least, he'll protect Clyde from the wrath of the Antichrist he's called down upon himself."

I looked at Tweek as my breath caught in my throat. "T-T-The Antichrist?" I remembered the kid who had come to our school a long time ago, claiming to be the Antichrist, and he certainly had power enough to back his claim.

Tweek nodded again. "Damien. When he found out that Clyde had called himself the Dark Lord, which is Satan's rightful title, he vowed revenge. I'm sure, if he had his way, then Clyde would be spending many centuries in Hell." When I gulped, suddenly fearing for my friend's life, Tweek smiled comfortingly at me. "But don't worry, Sage won't let that happen. He may still let Damien take Clyde to Hell, but it won't be for more than a few days, I promise. Damien may be pissed, but I doubt Satan himself will be that offended. He's pretty easy going. Besides, he owes the Dragonborn."

"Satan owes Douchebag?!" I exclaimed, my mind blown. Tweek just smiled, shaking his head.

"The Angel of Unity can be very useful in Hell. But that's a conversation for a safer place." he said, looking again at the Pirates, who were getting closer.

"Yeah." I agreed, somehow knowing that Clyde's fate was in good hands, "Let's go home."

"I can only take you as far as Clyde's house." Tweek replied apologetically, "As a Sacrificial Angel, I serve under the Dragonborn, so I must remain nearby, in case he should need my services, as unlikely as that may be." His confidence in Dou- I mean, Sage's abilities lifted my spirits, reassuring me that my friends, and the world, would be safe.

"That's alright. We'll wait there, then." I told Tweek, who nodded in agreement. I then looked around to see that the dust had completely dispersed, and we were surrounded by pirates. I looked at Tweek, who merely smiled, holding up his double-bladed sword, which caused the pirates to back away in fear. He laughed (a wonderful sound) as the two blades flashed in a blinding display. As I felt myself moving through space at a high rate of speed, I sensed Tweek beside me and closed my eyes, letting the thrilling sensation fill my mind.

_Thank you, my precious angel._


	36. Journey through the path most traveled

_I swear this is some extreme selflessness right here! I mean, I said that I would do anything for this world, but I never thought I'd have to do THIS!_

In case you need a recap, I am currently inside Mr. Slave's anus. So far, I have passed by a dildo belonging to Cartman's mom (I'm assuming, since it had the name "Liane Cartman" on it, and Cartman doesn't have any siblings), which I had to activate to clear some shit (literally) out of my path. I also found a flashlight and some bats (which I vaguely recall Mr. Slave warning me about earlier), and I even found a cellphone right as a call from some guy called "Big Gay Al", who was apparently Mr. Slave's husband, came through. He left a message telling Mr. Slave that he "better not be tied up someplace, you silly goose." I snorted at the irony. Eventually, after entering a more-open space, I met with the ghost of a sparrow, which didn't surprise me. Come to think of it, the ghost frog I met earlier didn't surprise me either. Go figure.

"I am the Sparrow Prince." the sparrow said, which would have startled me if the frog hadn't spoken to me already. It was at this time that I noticed that the sparrow was wearing a silver crown and a dark blue cape. He also had a sword at his side. The Sparrow Prince continued, "Like you, I was once used for pleasure as an anal plaything, and thus perished in this place." _Actually, I'm up here to disable a nuclear bomb, but whatever._ "Now you must defeat my angry spirit in order to move forward."

I tilted my head. _You sound pretty calm to me._ The Prince, sensing my confusion, insisted, "I know I don't really sound that angry, but trust me, I am."

I narrowed my eyes, analyzing my opponent. I left my sword sheathed, knowing that physical attacks wouldn't work, as he was no longer of the physical plane. In order to hurt him, I would have to use a more advanced stage of Spirit Manifest, the same technique I used to stop the Woodland Critters. I'd had a feeling that I might need the technique's next stage in this fight, so I'd used it to get home after my meeting with Damien, just to make sure I could in this body.

"Prepare yourself, New Kid!" The Sparrow Prince commanded, his calm tone never changing. I crouched down on all fours, watching as two smaller birds, summoned by the Sparrow Prince, dove at me. As they got close, sharpened beaks ready to skewer me, they suddenly dissipated. The Sparrow Prince's eyes widened.

"What's this?" he exclaimed, voice still calm. I grinned, a rare expression bordering on sadistic, as a long, black, whip-like tail materialized over my head, connecting to the base of my spine, the feathers from the birds that it had just slashed still hovering around my head. My elongated canines gleamed in the low light of the anal cavity as two large, black wings extended from my shoulders. My red eyes glowed with superiority as I stared down at my opponent. Good thing the gnome's dust is so resilient.

"My anger…is greater now." the Sparrow Prince snarled, although his tone remained the same. He spread his wings, diving at me himself. I leapt up to meet him head-on, slashing his chest as he scratched at my stomach, his talons succeeding only in tearing my jacket. He glared at me and lunged again. I blocked him with my wings.

**Enough of this foolishness.**

My strengthened telepathy reverberated off the anal walls. I heard Mr. Slave groan with pleasure, but I ignored him. Focusing on the spirit before me, I pounced at him, which he preceded to dodge.

**It's over.**

"Well done…Dragonborn…" the Sparrow Prince gasped, fading from view to leave only the arrowhead tip of my tail, which I had driven through his heart when he had dodged my initial strike. I then turned to the path in front of me, my own spirit fading from view as the Sparrow Prince appeared in front of me.

"You have proven yourself in combat, young anal plaything. You may journey forth! Find the snuke's trigger and save the outside world! Fare thee met and fare thee well!" And with that, he disappeared.

After moving a little further into the intestines, I hid behind an area of the intestinal wall. _Well, looks like I've found the snuke._

"I didn't join the company for this." a government agent sighed, standing in front of an opening that led to what could only be the stomach.

"We've got our orders." his companion replied indifferently, adjusting his hold on his gun.

"Yeah, but how come we always get the shit jobs?" the first guard complained, turning to the other guy and putting a hand on his hip, "Go clean the barracks. Go round up civilians in their homes. Go up a gay man's butthole and guard against intruders. Fuckin' sucks!" He stamped his foot in frustration before resuming his watchful position, though his mind was clearly still elsewhere.

The Frog King and the Sparrow Prince appeared beside me, keeping their presence hidden from all but me. I had known they'd been following me the whole time.

"Armed guards? What are they doing here?" the Frog King exclaimed worriedly, tightly gripping his golden staff.

"Whoever seeks to blow up the city clearly doesn't want anyone stopping them." the Sparrow Prince commented in reply.

"You must get past them, Dragonborn." the Frog King told me, "Go fuck 'em up!" They both then faded from sight, but I was still aware of their presence nearby. There was another presence up ahead, but it seemed to be concentrating too hard for me to contact it.

I narrowed my eyes. These guys didn't seem the type to willingly sacrifice their lives in service, nor did they seem particularly well-trained. Still, they were somehow able to shrink and climb up a gay man's ass to guard a nuclear device knowing (hopefully) that they would die when it went off.

"I don't have time for this." I thought to myself, remembering everyone who was in danger. Silently drawing my sword, I lunged at the guards, faster than the human eye could see, and slashed through both of them. Hey, if they really were willing to die, what better way than by an angel's blade?

With the guards out of the way, I entered the stomach, where a strange, eerie voice sang.

_New Kid came to the stomach dark. 'Neath the cold depths of the lungs and heart…_

As the voice faded, the other spirit I had been sensing appeared: a catfish.

"Hello, Dragonborn." the fish said, immediately recognizing me (all spirits instinctively recognize angels by their aura, since angels often serve as guides for lost souls), "I…am Catatafish."

The voice returned.

_Catatafish of the stomach's cove…_

"The trigger of the thermonuclear device lies before you." Catatafish explained, not acknowledging the voice. _You don't say._ "I have tried to solve its riddle, but I have been unable to disarm it."

_Catatafish riddle will soon be told…_

The voice sang. I spared a look around the stomach. _What IS that?_

Catatafish, not seeming to even notice the singing, continued, "There are only moments to spare. Find a way to disengage the trigger, or all will be lost." He then faded from view, joining the other two spirits in observation.

Alone once again, I looked at the snuke. There were three buttons: a red and orange one that could only be accessed by higher-ups, and a blue button with a handicap symbol. _That's it!_

I smirked, activating the handicap button and typing in a passcode that I learned by discreetly looking into the Bard's memories. Angel powers can be very convenient at times.

With the snuke's control panel now open (with two pipes extending from the sides that looked suspiciously like legs), I started the abortion sequence, revealing an opening that looked a little too much like a woman's vagina.

"Abortion sequence initiated." a robotic female voice said, providing a syringe filled with a strange liquid, "Begin electronic infusion."

"Ok, WAY too similar." I thought, injecting the opening and causing the pipes to go limp, "Really?" Grabbing the dilator provided, I opened the hole further, revealing a chip that had to be removed in order to disengage the snuke's trigger. I sweatdropped (not from nervousness) and used the provided vacuum to remove the chip, successfully aborting the snuke.

"Well done, Dragonborn!" the Frog King congratulated me as the trio reappeared.

"We knew we could count on you, Dragonborn." the Sparrow Prince added.

"We are very grateful to you, Dragonborn." Catatafish told me, raising his trident and surrounding me with energy from the three spirits, "The least we can do is get you out of here."

"Farewell, Dragonborn!" the three called in unison as I was lifted up the esophagus, "And good luck!"


	37. Return of Chef

When I was thrown out of Mr. Slave's esophagus, I was greeted hesitantly (it should be obvious why). I didn't react, simply discarding the barrier I had cloaked my body in, taking the smell and filth with it. Butters wrapped his arms around me the moment the barrier disappeared, not even caring who saw, while Stan patted my back. Everyone else seemed mildly surprised at the barrier's existence, but they were apparently getting used to the kinds of items and abilities that I had a habit of picking up. They had seen me shrink, after all.

After untying Mr. Slave, we headed onto a platform, where Cartman stopped us.

"Alright, guys." he said, raising his staff, "Just past that doorway is the throne room of the Dark Lord. Let's go kick that traitor's ass!" Everyone else cheered and, with me leading the group, we entered the heart of Clyde's lair.

"Fools! You thought you could conquer the Fortress of Darkness!?" was how Clyde greeted us. He was standing next to the container that held the green goo, his hand on the faucet coming out of it. There was a tube connected to the faucet, which led into…a coffin?! _Oh, this CAN'T be good._

"Clyde, back away from that stuff!" Stan commanded, concerned almost as much for Clyde's sake as he was for his own.

"Oh, but I have yet to complete my army!" Clyde replied, mistaking the concern in Stan's voice for fear, "You have come to witness the power of darkness!"

"Stop, Clyde! You have no idea what that stuff is!" Kyle yelled, panic entering his voice.

"Yeah huh, it's green sauce from Taco Bell. I took it from their construction site." Clyde stated matter-of-factly. I had to resist facepalming. _Really? Does the "toxic waste" label on the barrel mean NOTHING to you?!_

"Dude, that's NOT Taco Bell sauce." Stan replied, as if he were talking to a five-year-old.

"Then why'd I find it at the Taco Bell?" Clyde asked, unconvinced. _Is this guy an IDIOT?_

Cartman growled in frustration, rolling his eyes. "It leaked out of a UFO, CLYDE! It's toxic goo from another galaxy! Think about it, since when does Taco Bell have GREEN SAUCE, dude?!" he yelled/ranted.

"Actually, since about a year ago." Kyle replied, never missing a chance to show up Cartman.

"What?" Cartman asked, leading to the group talking about green sauce at Taco Bell.

"Are ALL these people IDIOTS?!" I thought exasperatedly, turning to look at Clyde, who had started laughing.

"HA HA! I don't seem so foolish now, DO I?!" he yelled, laughing triumphantly.

"That doesn't mean YOU have Taco Bell green sauce, dipfuck!" Kyle yelled, getting tired of this drawn-out dialogue. So was I, actually.

"Yeah, Clyde." Stan said, backing up his boyfriend, "Why do you think that shit's GLOWING?"

Clyde looked at the barrel, pondering the question for a moment, "Maybe because of the three varieties of chili peppers." he said in response. _REALLY?_

The group exchanged looks. "Just give us the Stick, asshole." Cartman sighed impatiently.

"Or what? You'll beat me up? Ha ha…I've got another surprise for you!" Clyde responded, turning on the faucet and sending the goo into the coffin. The coffin started shaking. Then, the coffin burst open, revealing a man wearing a torn chef's hat.

"I'm gonna make love to ya, womaann…" the man sang, his accent that of a black man. Of course, he was zombified, making his skin green.

Everyone in the group screamed. "Ahh! Nazi Zombie Chef!" Cartman cried, looking unusually upset. I was confused. We had faced Nazi Zombie soldiers and government agents before, so why would a chef scare them so badly? My confusion deepened when I saw tears entering my comrades' eyes.

"Chef…" Kyle muttered, falling to his knees. Stan kneeled beside him, embracing him so that the King's head rested against his shoulder.

"How could you, Clyde?! Why'd you have to bring Chef into this?!" the warrior yelled, tears streaming down his face. Jimmy was trying to comfort Kenny, but he was also fighting off tears. I looked to Butters, who usually explained things like this, only to see him sobbing uncontrollably as well. He took one look at me and practically jumped into my arms, burying his face against my chest, his tears soaking my torn jacket.

"Ch-Ch-Chef w-w-was our f-f-f-friend." he sobbed, stuttering madly as his body trembled.

_I see. _My arms tightened around my precious partner, trying to offer what comfort I could.

"Well?" We all turned to Clyde, who was now sitting on his throne, his arms crossed triumphantly, "If you want the Stick back, you'll have to go through Nazi Zombie Chef!" He then laughed maniacally as Chef climbed out of the coffin, yelling in German and performing the Nazi salute. I looked at my friends, all of whom were still crying (even Cartman, whom I had been convinced was heartless), my gaze lingering on my boyfriend, who was still shivering in my arms. My gaze then turned to Clyde, my eyes glowing with hatred and rage. It may be normal for a villain to use dirty tricks like this, but that doesn't make it excusable.

I glanced at Chef, who was slowly making his way to us (zombies aren't exactly known for their speed) and gently pried the distressed paladin off of me (as much as I wanted to continue comforting him). He looked at me tearfully, confused. I gave him a small smile, squeezing his shoulders reassuringly. I knew that he and the others didn't want to hurt their deceased friend, despite the fact that his spirit was no longer within the body. I drew my sword, standing before the Nazi Zombie Chef.

"What are you doing, Commander Douchebag?" Kyle asked me as everyone heard me draw my weapon. I ignored him, taking my battle stance. The zombie charged at me, shouting in German and throwing what looked (and smelled) like chocolate balls that had gone bad long ago. I deflected them with ease, charging as well.

"Commander, don't!" I heard Stan call out, followed by protests from the others. I ignored them as well, knowing what had to be done.

As I got near the zombie, I raised my sword, preparing to strike. Then, as the zombie tried to counter my blow, I vanished from sight, moving faster than the eye could see. The zombified chef stopped and looked around in confusion, as did everyone else. All was quiet until a girly scream pierced the stormy night, cutting through the tense atmosphere like a razor. Everyone's eyes turned to the Dark Lord's throne, where I had reappeared, slicing the wooden chair clean in half as my opponent narrowly dodged. A clang echoed through the open chamber as one of the spikes fell from his crown. The terror in his eyes filled me with sadistic pleasure.

"Chef!" he screamed, backing against the base of his shattered throne, "Protect your new master!"

The zombie obeyed, charging at me again. I sighed. I knew that thing wasn't the Chef the others had known, for his spirit had already moved on, but they still wouldn't forgive me if I cut him down. _I guess I have no choice._

Reaching out with my mind, I mentally called to the nearest angel that wasn't involved in battle, telling him to summon a spirit to assist me in this fight. I got a hasty affirmative response before I had to dodge the zombie's attack, breaking contact.

This little dance went on for several minutes, with the zombie charging and throwing chocolate balls and me dodging and deflecting. A few times he managed to grab me and tried to bite my neck, and in those cases I had to punch him to protect myself. My group looked on indecisively. Butters had tried to help me, but he was restrained by Cartman and Kenny. Stan seemed to want to help me as well, but he and Kyle had apparently been very close to Chef, and the young reincarnated prophet refused to abandon his distressed lover (to be). For now, I was on my own. Then, as I landed after avoiding the zombie's clutching hands, he suddenly stopped, his eyes widening, as if in recognition. He looked at me before turning to the others, smiling.

"Children! I'm back!" he yelled happily. The boys' faces lit up.

"Chef!" they all cried, overjoyed, running to hug the freed zombie. I smiled to myself. _He did it._

"Enough of this!" Clyde bellowed, enraged at his minion's desertion. He took out a bottle of combustible liquid (I couldn't tell what kind) and lit the cloth in it, throwing it at my friends. My eyes widened as they screamed in terror. _Has Clyde finally gone off the deep end?!_

Before I could move, however, Chef jumped in front of the group, shielding them from the grenade and, consequently, bursting into flames. He cried in pain, losing his senses as he ran around madly.

"Chef!" the boys cried, partially out of grief for their friend's pain and partially out of fear as he began running toward them.

"YES! BURN THEM! BURN THEM ALL!" Clyde yelled, laughing like he was completely deranged.

"Like hell I'd let that happen!" I yelled in my mind, placing myself between my friends and the flaming zombie.

"Sage!" Butters screamed, although his voice was drowned out by a thunder clap. I closed my eyes. _I'm sorry._

"Commander, run!" Stan cried. Everyone else was speechless (except Cartman, who didn't give a rat's ass about my safety).

As always, I ignored them, gathering a familiar strength within my intestines. Then, once Chef got too close, I unleashed a powerful Dragonshout, blowing him back and scorching his body almost completely.

Everyone gawked at me. Clyde's face lost almost all its color. Cartman was the first to recover.

"Good work, Douchebag!" he said, patting my back. Butters glomped me, almost knocking me over.

"What were you thinking, Sage?!" he cried into my cloak, muffling his voice as tears of fear and relief drenched it, "You could've been KILLED!" I didn't reply, simply holding him close to remind him that I had not been killed and that I wasn't going anywhere.

"I got a hand it to ya, Douchebag, either you're really brave or really insane." Kyle said, which I guess was his way of thanking me. Stan confirmed this by facepalming. Luckily, he was standing behind his boyfriend and, therefore, could not be seen.

"That was amazing!" Kenny's muffled voice praised me as he playfully batted his eyelashes at me. I blinked at him, still holding Butters against my chest. I remembered how jealous he could be.

"Yeah! Way to k-kick some ass!" Jimmy said to me, keeping his distance. It would seem that he still remembered our battle. I nodded to him, letting him know that I accepted his praise, which seemed to reassure him.

"Your eons of torment are at an end, Ruler of Darkness!" Cartman growled at Clyde as he faced the defeated Lord, everyone else gathering around him. Clyde looked around nervously, backing away.

"Um…okay, um, you know what, I'm not playing anymore." he stuttered, trying desperately to get out of this situation unharmed. Cartman, who wasn't hearing any of it, was about to retort, but another familiar voice interrupted him.

"Oh no. You're not getting off that easy!" a fiery voice laughed, clearly enjoying the desperation in the so-called Dark Lord's tone. I smirked. _Right on cue._

Everyone in the chamber looked up to see the Antichrist himself sitting on the roof above the chamber, with his innocent-looking mate at his side.

"Damien?!" Stan, the first to recover his voice, cried, "…and Pip?"

"Hello there, old chaps." Pip said cheerfully, waving at the group of kids. Damien narrowed his eyes at them briefly, remembering the years of bullying his mate had suffered at the group's hands, before turning back to the real reason he was here.

"Clyde Donovan." he addressed the fallen Lord, who was now little more than a scared child, "You have attempted to steal my father's title, and while your antics may have provided me with decent entertainment for the past few days, that does not change what you have done. You have insulted my father, and for that, you must pay!"

His eyes then began to glow their signature fiery yellow. In response, the ground at the base of the castle split open, and the fires of Hell burst forth, covering the entire battlefield in a violent glow. What warriors were still on the battlefield quickly vacated the yard, leaving only the group in the Dark Lord's chamber and the human warriors Token, Tweek, and Craig, who were taking shelter in Clyde's house.

"No, please!" Clyde pleaded with the demon, desperation morphing into full-scale panic, "I wasn't REALLY trying to rule the world! I was just playing!" He turned to his friends for help, but only got unsympathetic stares in reply.

"I'm sorry, Clyde." Pip said, looking at him with feigned compassion as he approached the brunette, his mate looking on, "You know how I hate violence. So let's just do this the easy way, shall we?"

And with that, he kicked the fallen Lord off of his platform at the top of his castle, sending him into the gaping hole in the ground below. And so it was that Clyde Donovan was condemned to suffer in Hell for…a week.

While all of this was going on, I was kneeling beside Chef's body, which his spirit still inhabited.

"Hello there, Dragonborn." he said, his weak voice heard only by me, "I received an urgent message from the Lord of Paranoia telling me about this incident. I didn't think Clyde was capable of doing this."

"I apologize, Chef." I said, also speaking quietly, "Your friends would not forgive me for harming your body, even though you no longer inhabited it."

"It's alright, Dragonborn. I am glad I got to see the children again. I have missed them." Chef replied, smiling (as much as he could).

"They've missed you too, in case that wasn't obvious." I told him, placing my middle and index finger on the man's forehead, "I am sorry I can't let you stay longer, but I've already broken several Angelic Laws just by bringing you here."

"That's alright, children. I'm ready to go back. These burns hurt like hell." he replied, gasping in pain. As he began to fade, leaving the mortal realm, he turned to me and spoke in the kind, understanding tone that he was known for in life, "And remember, Dragonborn, that they're your friends, too. Take care of them." I nodded, sending Chef back to the afterlife.

I stood up, turning to see Damien approaching me.

"My job here is done." he said, glancing over at his mate, who was chatting with the group of warriors that had accompanied me (mostly with Butters), "I shall be returning to Hell soon."

"Knowing you, "soon" likely means that you will be staying a while." I replied, catching the implications in the Antichrist's voice, "This battle's not over yet, is it?"

Damien grinned, his sadistic pleasure clear for even the most oblivious human to see. "You'll find out _very_ soon." He then signaled to his mate, Pip Pirrup, to follow him as he jumped back onto the roof of Clyde's house. The blond kid made to follow, but stopped by me first.

"It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Dragonborn." he said, bowing to me before jumping onto the roof to join his mate. I nodded in return, turning back to my group, who, miraculously, hadn't heard any of my previous exchanges. Well, Stan did, but he already knew what was going on, so that didn't matter. I will probably get a lecture from him about summoning the Antichrist and not telling him, but that can wait.

"We did it, dude!" Stan said happily, smiling at me. Beside the warrior, Kyle nodded in agreement.

"That was AWESOME! You did it!" Cartman congratulated me, cheerfully adding, "Your noble quest is at an end. And for all your deeds, and all the time you put into this-" He seemed really impressed by this. "I hereby promote you to…" _Let me guess._ "KING Douchebag! Congratulations." _Knew it._

"Oh great. Now I have to compete with him." Kyle said, pouting. I could tell he was just kidding, so I didn't take it to heart. Everyone started laughing, although Stan had to stifle his to avoid his boyfriend's wrath (he still got glared at). Butters grabbed my hand, smiling proudly at me. Cartman was about to make a rude comment on that, but stopped when I looked in his general direction. It would seem that he, too, remembers the ass-kicking I gave him.

"Quickly!" Kyle said, still smiling, "Now let's get the Stick back to safety before anyone can-" He was cut off by the unmistakable sound of helicopter blades. I looked up, eyes widening in rarely-seen terror.

_You!_


	38. The government gets involved

_You!_

That one word rang clearly through my head as the helicopters hovered over the treehouse, lowering ropes to the platform. Everyone's eyes turned toward the top of the Dark Fortress as several government agents landed on the wreckage of the Dark Lord's throne, surrounding the boys who had led the charge. Their guns were pointed at the group's leader: me.

"We've got him! We've got the Dragonborn!" one of the agents called. Everyone in my group looked at me, terrified. Butters clung to my arm in a futile attempt to protect me while the others gathered closer to me, for their own protection as well as mine. I simply stared at the helicopter at the center of the group with my signature look of apathy, knowing that was where their leader was.

"The Dragonborn? What the- who what?" Cartman stuttered, looking at me in confusion. He clearly thought that he had made up my title. I continued to stare ahead. These petty troops were of no concern to me. Only their leader posed a threat.

"So, it really IS the Dragonborn…" a familiar voice spoke from the center helicopter, "Just can't stop being a thorn in our side, huh?" The old man with the eyepatch, the one who had given me the scar on my eye all those years ago, got down from the helicopter and approached me, two lower agents at his side. He never did have the balls to face me on his own. He walked over to where Clyde had dropped the Stick of Truth and picked it up.

"He has the Stick of Truth!" Cartman cried fearfully, backing up. Everyone else followed suit until they bumped into the soldiers standing behind them. I didn't move. I had never backed down from this asshole before, and I wasn't about to now.

"How does this guy know you, King Douchebag?" Kyle asked me. I didn't respond. I didn't have to.

Eyepatch raised an eyebrow. "King Douchebag? Is THAT what you told them your name was?" _What do you think, dipshit? _"Why didn't you tell them your REAL name, DOVAHKIIN?" _Because that's not my real name._

"Dovahkiin?" Butters asked, voicing everyone else's question. I pulled out my phone and, without even looking at it, pulled up my Facebook page, where I went by the name "Dovahkiin". They all "ah"ed in understanding.

"You…don't remember, do you? How we tried to find you?" Eyepatch asked me, causing me to mentally facepalm. _Why does everyone always assume that, if I don't respond, it means that I don't remember?_

Stan was beginning to lose his patience (too much time around Kyle would be my guess).

"Look, that Stick belongs with the fighters of Zaron, give it back!" he commanded, the natural authority of a heavenly being fueling his confidence.

"Careful, Stan!" Kyle whispered harshly, trying to restrain the warrior.

"Fighters of Zaron?" Eyepatch asked incredulously, "Boys, what's going on here is much more complex than that." He then jumped into the monologue I knew was coming. "This isn't the first time a UFO has crashed to Earth. You see, in 1947, a UFO crashed in Roswell, New Mexico…"

"Oh, God…" Cartman sighed exasperatedly, rolling his eyes.

"Aw brother, spare us…" Stan was clearly in no mood to hear this either.

"Hang on a sec." Eyepatch cut in, not wanting to lose their attention, "A UFO crashed in Roswell and a new government agency was created to investigate the paranormal. Our Agency." _You never miss a chance to brag, do ya?_

Cartman, apparently, was thinking along the same lines as me. "Can we skip this? Like, hit the skip button or something?" he asked. _Sorry, dude. Even the Dragonborn doesn't have control over the fourth wall._

"Oh, you don't want to skip this." Eyepatch said arrogantly, glaring at the fatass with his uncovered eye.

"Yes, we do." Cartman insisted, no longer fearing the agent's authoritah. Eyepatch ignored him.

"Whenever aliens are spotted, vampires run amok, our agency is there, and we have never lost a fight. That is…until four years ago, when we investigated a child." _In government terms, "investigate" usually means "kidnap and control". Just FYI._

"Yawn yawn yawn." Cartman's rude personality was showing itself off proudly.

Eyepatch, too caught up on his own story to notice the interruption, continued, "A child who had an unnatural power inside him. I had orders from the President to secure the child, so that we could harness his power before our enemies could, but he slipped through our hands."

Butters gripped my arm more tightly, recalling the story I told him about my past. Stan and Kyle glanced at each other, Stan having the feign confusion (heavenly beings know each other's history at first glance, unless it's intentionally blocked).

"The government wanted the New Kid for his farts?" Kyle asked, confused. Even I had to struggle to resist the urge to burst out laughing at that assumption. I felt Butters shiver against me, trying to contain his own laughter, and I saw Stan grinning out of the corner of my eye.

"That's lame." Cartman added, not noticing the amusement shown by his three companions.

Eyepatch drew back, face scrunching in confused exasperation.

"His farts?" he asked, not believing the stupidity of the claim, "No! His amazing ability to make friends so quickly on any social network."

"Ooooooh." the guys, with the exception of Stan and Butters, chorused.

"Do you see now?" Eyepatch said, staring directly at me, "That kind of power is invaluable in this world. That is why we seek to harness that power. The power of the Angel of Unity. The Dragonborn."

"Angel of U-Unity." Jimmy spoke up, and everyone turned to look at me. Even Stan, who was curious as to how I would react to having that information revealed. I merely stared back at Eyepatch, my apathetic look not faltering.

"That's right, boys." Eyepatch replied, smirking at me in challenge, "The Angel of Unity is a rare and powerful angel that has the ability to bring people together. While the angel exists in this world, the people he brings together are able to work and live alongside one another, regardless of their past relations. Of course, that cooperative mindset only lasts as long as the angel's mortal form. Once that dies, the unified group falls back into chaos. That's why the angel has to return to the mortal world once every thousand years, more or less."

"Dude…" the boys (except Stan) murmured in awe. Butters looked at me with wide, unreadable eyes.

"S-Sage…" he whispered, not evening trying to cover the use of my real name (not that I expected him to), "Y-Y-You're an angel?!"

I looked at him and nodded, emphasizing the movement so that everyone present could see it. They all gawked at me (except Stan, who looked at me sympathetically).

"Not just any angel." Eyepatch interjected. This time, he had everyone's attention. "He is the Angel of Unity. Every prophet in existence uses his power to gain followers for their religion. Of course, no single human could ever properly control the Dragonborn's power, so the sects always end up fighting with one another."

"Woah woah woah woah woah woah!" Cartman yelled as he and everyone else stared at me, their eyes practically popping out of their heads, "When you say prophets, do you mean like Jesus?!"

"That's right." Eyepatch replied, "Jesus Christ is one of the most influential prophets to ever appear to humans. And yes, his power of unifying all who believe in him comes from the Dragonborn."

Everyone stared at me, eyes wide with shock, as Cartman gasped, "Are you telling me that King Douchebag is like another Jesus?!"

"You could say that." Eyepatch muttered after a second of thought, "He's stronger than any prophet, but his effect on the world is similar."

"Hold up!" Kyle yelled, making everyone turn to him (except Butters, who wouldn't take his eyes off me), "Just how much power does King Douchebag have?!" Everyone turned to me again, except Cartman, who rolled his eyes.

"That's a Jew for ya. Denying the power of Christ and dooming the world." he said, glaring at Kyle, who had to be restrained by Stan.

Eyepatch, ignoring Cartman's comment, answered Kyle's question, "We're not completely sure of the extent of the Dragonborn's power, but before he was five years old, he had 3.2 billion friends on Facebook alone."

"Damn, dude." Stan said as everyone gawked at me once more (Butters had never stopped). Eyepatch just nodded.

"Do you have any idea the kind of power the Dragonborn has, especially in today's world?" he asked before turning back to me, "It is time to come with us, Dovahkiin. Time to stop resisting and use your power for your country."

"No thank you." I thought to myself, not so much at flinching (although Butters' constant staring was unnerving me. _I hope he doesn't hate me._), "You said yourself that no human can control my power."

"Is he really still talking?" Cartman asked impatiently. Man, nothing keeps him interested for long. Unless it has a direct benefit for him.

"Are we really so different, you and I, Dovahkiin?" Eyepatch continued pleading with me, "You have to do what the government tells you, just like me. We're all just pawns in their game." _Not really._ "I'll admit you are fascinating. You have more power than any child- no, any HUMAN I've come across, and yet…" He paused, looking at the Stick in confusion, "…all you seem to care about…is this." He held it up at eye level, examining it.

"Not really." I thought, merely looking back at him in response, "It's their game. I care more about this little blond who's still staring at me."

Eyepatch continued, "It must be very important. What does it do?"

Cartman rolled his eyes, his boredom allowing him to answer. "Whoever controls the Stick controls the universe, dumbass." _Bad move, bro._

Eyepatch's eyes widened. "Controls the… But then…I wouldn't have to do what I was told anymore. I could…" he trailed off, laughing maniacally, "I control the universe! HA HA HA!" He then jumped at the soldiers behind him, pointing the Stick at them, "Get back! Back I say! All of you!" He grinned. "I can do anything! ANYTHING I WANT!" He then began stripping, leaving himself butt-naked and everyone around him in need of therapy. "HA HA HA! I no longer need you, "New Kid". I CONTROL THE UNIVERSE!" Eyepatch then ran to a higher floor of the castle, still laughing, leaving everyone stunned.

_Told you._

Cartman recovered first. "He has the Stick! We have to get it back!" he yelled, running after the nude maniac with Kenny close behind.

"Yeah!" Kyle yelled in response, "Let's go!" The Elf King then followed after the Princess and the Wizard, leading the Ranger and the Bard into battle (after another sympathetic look to me from the Ranger).

I watched as they rushed into battle over the Stick, impressed at how they conditioned themselves to chase the Stick so thoroughly that the knowledge that one of their own was actually an angel with more power than any deity they'd ever known of wouldn't stop them. I then looked at Butters, who still hadn't looked away from me.

"S-Sage…" he stuttered, looking at me with those same unreadable eyes.

"I'm sorry, Butters." I said, not caring if the others heard me (though there was no way they would), "I didn't mean to deceive you like this."

Butters' eyes widened, confusion flashing across them before turning to guilt. "W-Why are you apologizing, Sage!" he said hastily, grabbing onto my cloak again, "I should be the one saying sorry."

I raised an eyebrow. "What do you have to apologize for?"

Butters looked down, his eyes becoming clouded with tears. "I-I said your name. In front of the others. Even though you told me not to." He looked away, not meeting my eyes. Which was good, because I was staring at him with the most incredulous look I could muster.

"Are you serious?" I asked him, making him flinch, "You just found out that your boyfriend is an angel whose power fuels every prophet known to man, and several that humans do not know. Do you honestly think I expect you to think about what to call me under those circumstances?"

Butters smiled, relieved that I wasn't mad at him for using my real name in front of the others. I was relieved that he wasn't mad at me for keeping my true nature a secret.

"Hey!" we heard Stan call, "If you two lovebirds are finished sucking face, we've got a final battle to attend to!"

Butters turned bright red, turning around to retort, but I simply patted his shoulder, holding out my hand for him. He smiled and grabbed it, intertwining his fingers with mine. And with that, the Dragonborn followed after his friends, who accepted him for who he was, with his trusty Paladin by his side.


	39. Betrayal

When we all caught up with the butt-naked Eyepatch, he was standing at the base of yet another flight of stairs that led to the very top of the castle. He was waving the Stick of Truth around like a wand, confused as to why it wasn't working the way he thought it should.

"Haha…huh UGH!" he yelled, trying to activate the Stick's power, "Er…damn thing! How does it work?!" I sweatdropped. Catching sight of us, Eyepatch ran over to us, demanding, "Show me how it works!"

"Yeah, right!" Stan said bravely, standing tall (as he could) before the madman.

Eyepatch growled in frustration. Then, he paused, looking at the Stick thoughtfully, before finally looking at me once more.

"Dovahkiin…" he began, kneeling before me, "Why should we be on opposite sides? Join me, Dovahkiin. Rule by my side." He held out the Stick to me as he continued to implore, "Join me, and you can have THIS all to yourself, FOREVER."

Everyone looked at me worriedly as Eyepatch continued, "I can offer you ALL! Just get me out of here safely, and you can rule with this once again!"

I looked at the Stick, appalled by the sheer level of his stupidity. Did he seriously believe that this Stick could control the universe? Even if something that powerful DID exist, it would never be allowed to fall into the hands of HUMANS, much less a bunch of kids.

"Sage…" I heard Butters whisper, his grip on my hand tightening. The boys around me had apparently mistaken the silence of my mental ranting for indecisiveness. Rolling my eyes, I held out my other hand, releasing a small burst of energy that sent Eyepatch flying backwards, the Stick still in his grasp. He looked at me angrily as the boys around me burst out laughing.

"You underestimated the character of the fighters of Zaron!" Stan proclaimed proudly, placing a hand on my shoulder, "What binds us is MORE than that relic!"

"And you failed to recognize the character of our alliance!" Kyle added, standing beside Stan.

"Yes! Our friendship is more important to any of us…than even the Stick of Truth." Cartman concluded dramatically. _Yeah, because you're totally one to talk about friendship._

Eyepatch glared at us, searching us for any sign of weakness. And he was about to find one.

"It would seem that not all of us are in agreement." I thought as I sensed indecision is one of the fighters of Zaron, who had stood by Cartman's side for so long. That disappeared as Princess Kenny walked over to the madman's side, taking the Stick from him and laughing triumphantly.

"Princess Kenny!" Cartman gasped, actually sounding hurt for once. I glanced at him, subtly probing his mind, and sure enough, there was pain there. Could it be that Eric Cartman actually FELT something for someone other than himself?!

"At least ONE of you has some sense." Eyepatch said, glaring angrily at our group.

"You'd sell us all out?!" Kyle exclaimed in confused disbelief.

"But why, Princess Kenny?" Stan finished, showing the same emotion.

"Kenny, no…" Butters whimpered, hugging my arm in an attempt to find comfort. I patted his hands, watching the scene curiously. My curiosity increased when a strangely familiar voice answered.

"Because Princess Kenny was born a half-orc…"

We all turned to see Morgan Freeman emerge from behind a stack of crates. He continued, "…whose entire village was wiped out by humans and elves."

"Morgan Freeman?" Kyle asked, understandably confused.

"I had a feeling you would show up." I thought, and he nodded in greeting.

"You see, when humans and elves lived TOGETHER in the forests of Hollow Falls, an elven queen fell in love with the orc known as Dandar- the first one to possess the Stick of Truth. They loved in secret and had a child, a beautiful little girl who watched as everyone she loved was killed in cold blood. And that is why she waited…and plotted…all this time. To take back the Stick from you. For Princess Kenny is the true heir to the Stick of Truth." As Morgan Freeman finished his explanation, everyone stared at him, mouths agape.

"Wow…" Cartman muttered, "That's pretty cool." I mentally facepalmed.

Kyle, with his ever-curious nature, spoke up, "Just one thing, Morgan Freeman. How come every time something convoluted needs explaining, you show up?"

"Because every time I show up and explain something, I earn a freckle." Morgan Freeman replied simply as another freckle appeared on his face. I had heard something about that back in the spirit realm, something about the freckles keeping him alive longer than usual, but only if he keeps helping people and providing guidance to those who need it. You know, every day spirit gossip.

Kenny laughed again, running to the top of the castle, Stick in hand.

"PRINCESS KENNY, COME BACK HERE!" Cartman yelled, infuriated. He and the others chased after him, but we were stopped by Eyepatch.

"Where do you think you're going, Dovahkiin?" he growled menacingly, "You and I still have a score to settle."

Butters, his desire to protect his boyfriend, as well as his anger at what the man had done to me, boosting his confidence, stepped forward.

"Now you listen here, mister!" he barked, the malice in his voice shocking everyone, "You're the one who hunted and tried to capture Sage three years ago! You're the one who gave him that scar on his eye! YOU'RE the one who caused him so much pain, even though he did nothing to you, so YOU have no right to keep challenging him!"

I looked at my boyfriend proudly, and it seemed that even Cartman couldn't help but admire Butters' loyalty to me (like hell he'd ever admit it, though). Eyepatch growled, narrowing his eye.

"Is that so, little one?" he snarled, looming over my boyfriend, which led me to step in front of him slightly, "If he didn't do anything to me, then where do you think this came from!" He then tore off his eyepatch, revealing a scar not unlike my own. He then laughed. "Although, I really should be thanking you, Dovahkiin! Thanks to you, I now have more power than any human ever could, even without that stupid Stick!"

I growled as the man opened his right eye. Everyone gasped in shock and fear as the glowing red iris stared down at them before focusing on me, burning with hatred and a deep-seated desire for vengeance.

"I may have been just a weak mortal when first faced each other all those years ago, but not anymore!" my pursuer laughed maniacally, "When you gave me this scar on my eye, you transferred some of your power to me as well. I've been saving this power, letting it build within me all these years, so that now…" His eye lit up, his bloody rage overwhelming him as a pair of obsidian wings sprouted from his back, a tail equal in color and shade accompanying it.

"WE FIGHT AS EQUALS!"

He then unleashed a shriek that was not of a human or an angel and took off, disappearing into the dark, stormy sky.

Stan whistled, looking up at the human-turned-demon. Everyone else was shivering, with Butters and Kyle clinging to me and Stan, respectively. I looked at my friends and, when I had their attention, pointed toward the top of the castle, where Kenny had fled.

"Wh-What?!" Butters squeaked, his fear of the demon outweighed only by his fear for me, "Y-You want us to go fight Kenny?! But what about that…" He gestured toward the sky, where the demon was waiting, not really sure what to call him, before giving up. "What about you?! You want us to abandon you?!"

"No way, dude!" Kyle said forcefully, glaring at me (although he still clung to Stan's arm), "We only got this far because of you. We're not letting you take on any more enemies alone."

I shook my head, gently prying Butters off of my arm and waking over to where the stack of crates was. On cue, Morgan Freeman again appeared, just like I had asked him to.

"You cannot help the Dragonborn in this fight." he said, looking at all of them with passive sympathy, "It is a grave crime for a human to steal an angel's power, and in order to right this wrong, the angel whose power was stolen must deal with the demon that is born from that power."

"D-Demon?!" several of the boys chorused.

"That's right. Demons have many origins, and one of those origins is when a human gains the power of an angel and is corrupted by it. Normally, the angel would simply capture the demon and send it to Hell, where Satan and his minions would give punishment. However, when the Dragonborn's power was stolen, it linked the injury he inflicted with the injury that had been inflicted upon him, which is why, every time the Dragonborn's power is activated, the scar on his eye reopens. In order to stop this from happening, the Dragonborn must deal the ultimate punishment to the demon, so that he can regain his full power once more."

The group, once again, stared in awe at Morgan Freeman.

"Wow…" Cartman muttered, "That's really cool."

"So…" Butters whimpered, looking at me, "We can't help you, Sage?"

I shook my head sadly before nodding in thanks to Morgan Freeman, who gained yet another freckle.

"Anytime, Dragonborn." he said, turning to the group once more, "Right now, you need to retrieve the Stick of Truth, so that Princess Kenny will come back to her senses. Leave the demon to the Dragonborn."

The group nodded as Morgan Freeman walked back behind the stake of crates, disappearing soon afterward. As my friends got ready to pursue Kenny, they all looked back at me. I closed my eyes and nodded to them. They all gasped in shock as my eyes reopened, glowing blood-red with determination. Then, my own obsidian-black wings extended from my back and I took flight after the demon, whipping my tail in a circle to draw the storm clouds around us, cutting us off from the rest of the world. Maintaining awareness of my friends, who were finally facing off against Princess Kenny, I focused on the deranged former human in front of me, glaring at his typical demonic arrogance.

_Humans can be such a pain…_


	40. Rise of the Dragonborn

The dark, stormy clouds gathered, circling in a vortex over the mountain town of South Park. All eyes turned toward the heavens as thunder tore through the quiet tension, broken by the occasional scream of someone being caught by one of the Nazi Zombies that had overrun the town. The thickest and most violent circulation was at the center of the storm, which remained suspended above a four-story treehouse/castle that had been built seemingly-overnight by a ten-year-old boy named Clyde Donovan, who led a large group of kids in what most people thought was just a game. It was clear, however, that this "game" was no longer within Clyde's control, or anyone's control, for that matter, as government helicopters tried desperately to enter the vortex as bursts of light flashed on the platform beneath, accompanied by the sounds of children fighting.

Within the dark clouds that circled the town, a human/demon faced off against the dragon-like Angel of Unity known as the Dragonborn. The demon took the form of the old man he was when he was mortal, but with jet-black wings and a tail resembling that of a dragon, powers stolen from the Dragonborn himself. The demon's right eye glowed crimson, while the left was completely white, devoid of any strength next to the immortal power of a demon. The Dragonborn looked similar, only with both of his eyes glowing red. His wings and tail, although also black, were far more graceful in appearance than those of the demon, and it was clear that the angel better knew how to use them.

"Dovahkiin!" the demon called out to the Dragonborn, "Prepare to fall to my power!"

He then charged at the angel, blackened claws glistening. However, the Dragonborn's battle experience showed through as he nimbly dodged the attack. The demon was undeterred.

"Running away, huh?! What?! Can't face me now that we're EQUALS?!" he shrieked, his attempt at provocation failing as the Dragonborn simply stared at him, no emotion apparent. This served only to fuel the demon's rage as he charged again, eliciting the same reaction from the wiser angel. This continued for several minutes, and the demon began to get desperate.

"What are you doing, Dragonborn?!" the demon shrieked again, causing him to lose what little humanity he had left, "Why won't you fight me?!"

The man's skin was beginning to peel off of his body as his spirit became more than it could contain. The soul underneath, glowing red with anger even as his heart blackened with hatred and greed, became increasingly unstable.

"I get it." the demon growled, a low chuckle escaping his torn throat, "You're called a high-level angel, but that's all a lie, isn't it? In battle, you are WEAK!" He laughed, unleashing a large amount of energy that threatened to break through the barrier the Dragonborn had created to contain their battle, "I'm not just equal to you in strength; I'm STRONGER!"

**You are a fool.**

A booming voice echoed within the darkening cyclone, shaking all around it. Some of the vibrations even made their way to the outside world, causing the battle below to pause as they turned to the dome of clouds above their heads.

"Who said that?!" the demon screamed, looking around frantically with his crimson eye, "Show yourself!"

**To think that you could ever claim to be MY equal.**

The demon turned, wide-eyed, to his opponent, realizing that the unbearably powerful voice was coming from the Dragonborn.

**You cannot handle my power. Your soul is being destroyed by your own corruption and greed.**

"Silence!" the demon roared furiously, charging at the angel, who, once again, dodged.

**Your hatred has consumed you. I can ignore you no longer.**

"Oh, so you're finally gonna take me seriously, huh?" the demon snarled, grinning at the thought of a fight, "Finally, I was getting bored."

**I do not have time to fight you. I must destroy you.**

The demon recoiled at the Dragonborn's calm confidence. "Oh really? We'll see about that!"

The demon then flew higher, above the Dragonborn, planning to strike from above. He dove straight at the angel, his claws connecting with his opponent's head.

However, it was all for naught. The demon's victorious grin faded suddenly as he looked at the angel, who was just hovering in front of him, claws still on his head, a bored expression on his face.

**You cannot handle my power. You release more of it every second, yet you can focus none of it into your strikes. You are truly pathetic.**

"Shut up! Shut your mouth!" the demon screamed, slashing at the Dragonborn with each word. The Dragonborn simply hovered where he was, the attacks not enough to even move him.

**My mouth isn't moving. I speak using telepathy.**

"Shut up, you damn smartass!" the demon barked, the human part of his soul feeling the embarrassment from the angel's response. Even demons aren't as easily angered as humans. "It is I you who will destroy YOU!"

**How can you destroy me if you can't even scratch me?**

The thundering voice had a bored tone, to which the demon responded by repeatedly striking at the Dragonborn's head, chest, stomach, and wings, even targeting the tail when none of his attacks had any effect.

**Enough of this nonsense. Prepare to die!**

The Dragonborn's voice, holding more ferocity than usual, resounded within the cyclone, his murderous intent able to be heard by the entire town of South Park. The town froze as the clouds slowly began to disperse, unable to contain the immense amount of energy being unleashed by the Dragonborn. The demon, at the epicenter of his wrath, could only watch in horror as the angel's body began to change in the final stage of Spirit Manifest.

The body of the little boy that the angel had been turned completely black and grew to ten times its original size. His neck elongated, becoming serpentine as spines appeared on the back of it, continuing all the way to the tip of his tail. His hands and feet became massive paws, his talons longer than the demon's arm. His head morphed into a shape vaguely resembling a wolf's, but with a curved horn on his nose and a pair of larger horns jutting out of the back of his head, the bases just above the eyes. The dragon snarled, his serrated teeth gleaming in the darkness. His entire body was blacker than coal, but his scales still shone like a gem, giving away his glorious nature.

The demon attempted to flee, realizing that he was truly no match for the powerful angel, but he was then stopped in his tracks, completely paralyzed by a feeling of absolute terror. The dragon opened his blood-red eyes, which glowed with a raging inferno that burned within the angel's soul, and looked directly at the demon.

The Dragonborn opened his jaws and roared, relishing the freedom granted by his true form and reducing the stormy clouds to a dark fog. The battle below halted completely as the combatants turned to the battle taking place above their heads, jaws dropping in awe.

From within Clyde Donovan's house, as the Healer and the Thief stood in awe, the Lord of Paranoia looked to the sky, admiration in the Sacrificial Angel's eyes as he gazed upon his superior's true form. On top of the house, the Antichrist smirked, amused at the sight of such a demonic angel. His British mate smiled, having heard stories of the angel's existence and now seeing the truth in those stories. In the battle below, the Paladin's eyes were shining, recognizing his beloved's soul and loving every bit of it. The Grand Wizard, recalling how he had treated the powerful angel, trembled. The traitorous Princess gulped at the thought of having to face the dark dragon as the Bard shuddered. The Elf King, normally the bravest in the group, had his arms around his lover/bodyguard, eyes glued to the sky. Only one person in all of South Park was calm: the Ranger, also known as the Prophet of Scientology, who just watched the battle between the demon and the Dragonborn with sharp interest.

"You can't defeat me!" the demon screeched desperately, charging a blast of energy, "I control the universe! I AM ETERNAL!"

**You are a fool.**

The Dragonborn answered him in his thundering telepathic voice, no longer caring who could hear. The demon's energy blast struck the Dragonborn's chest, dissipating harmlessly in the face of the angel's far superior power. The dragon then opened his jaws and readied his own attack as the demon hovered in front of him, frozen in terror. As the Dragonborn unleashed his attack, as crimson flames devoured the demon, his voice could be heard once more, its calm tone drowning out the demon's howls of agony.

**Welcome to oblivion.**


	41. End of the Stick's Reign

When I reappeared at the top of the castle, once again in my human form, I was greeted by stares. Everyone was looking at me with wide eyes, their expressions terror-stricken. Except for Stan, who merely gave me a thumbs-up, and Butters, who barely waited until I had my feet on the floor before glomping me, gently placing his lips on mine before removing them a second later. This little display seemed to snap the others out of their daze as Cartman began making snide remarks, although he stopped when I looked at him, only to start arguing with Kyle when the latter hit the former with his golf club staff. Rolling my eyes, I drew my sword, pointing it at Kenny. This got Cartman's attention.

"Hey, wait! Kenny still has the Stick of Truth!" he yelled, turning back to the cross-dresser, "Cough it up, Kenneh!"

"Fuck you!" Kenny's muffled voice replied as he stuffed the Stick in his bra.

"Give it up, Kenny! You know you can't win against all of us!" Kyle yelled, not wanting to be outdone by Cartman.

Kenny flipped us all off, raising his hand as a strange song began to play.

"Is this Japanese?" I thought, turning to Butters like I always did when I didn't understand what was going on.

"Kenny was made a Japanese Princess during the Black Friday Gamestation War." he explained to me. I nodded in understanding. _These people really do get around._

Kenny looked at us and smiled (I think…), blinking seductively at us with large, violet anime eyes. Cartman blushed while Butters and Kyle grabbed onto me and Stan respectively, clinging jealously to us. Jimmy just stood there awkwardly.

"Come to me, my faithful steed!" Kenny called, shooting rainbows from his hand. As the rainbows passed over the platform and the sky beyond, the landscape changed dramatically, turning from a wooden floor and a stormy sky to a pink field with pink clouds and pretty flowers. Our eyes widened as a unicorn suddenly came galloping down the newly-princessified path. Kenny jumped onto its back, narrowly avoiding being skewered though the head by the magical equine's horn.

"Goddammit, Kenneh! Fight fair!" Cartman yelled, completely ignoring the five other warriors that stood with him.

"I am now, asshole!" Kenny replied, completely NOT ignoring the five other warriors that stood against him.

I looked at the unicorn curiously. They were very wary creatures that only trusted those with pure intentions, and yet Kenny managed to summon one. I suppose his _intentions_ were pure enough, as he was only trying to regain his rightful inheritance, but I still wonder how he _found_ one.

"No, you're not, Kenny! How the hell are we supposed to fight a unicorn?!" Kyle yelled back, having to jump out of the range of the unicorn's horn as it nearly slashed him. Stan stood in front of his King as the unicorn attacked again, blocking its horn with his sword, only to be thrown backward by the unicorn's magic.

"What are we gonna do, Sage?" Butters asked me worriedly, like he usually did when he didn't know what to do, only to find that I was no longer beside him, "Sage?"

"What are you doing, King Douchebag?" Stan called nervously, although he was clearly trying to hide it.

Everyone looked to see me standing right in front of the unicorn, looking up at it with a challenging look on my face. The others had to restrain Butters as the unicorn reared up, preparing to crush me under its hooves. However, before it brought its forelegs down on my head, it stopped, staring at me with wide, frightened eyes.

"What's going on?" Kyle asked, glancing at Stan, who shrugged. He was confused as well.

"What are you doing? Kill him!" Kenny commanded, kicking the magical horse's flanks in an attempt to re-exert control over the beast. The creature ignored him, lowering its hooves to the floor and backing away from me. Kenny looked at me angrily, demanding to know what I had done to his steed. I ignored him, as the unicorn had, growling at the beast before me. In response, the unicorn lurched backward, despite Kenny's order to move forward. It then balked as I began to stalk towards it, still maintaining a constant growl that made it sound like I had a running motor in my throat. The horse snorted and reared up again, this time to get away from me. My growling ceased as I stared at the creature. Then I opened my mouth again, emitting from my throat the dragon equivalent of a bark. The unicorn, finally reaching its limits, reared up again, pivoting on its hind legs, and bolted, throwing its rider in the process. As it fled, the pink and rainbow scenery faded, returning to its original dark, foreboding state.

_Magical creatures never prey on each other, but as far as the mythical hierarchy goes, dragons outrank unicorns. If a dragon tells a unicorn to get lost, the unicorn will get lost._

"Hah! Not so tough now, are ya!" Cartman yelled triumphantly, as if _he_ had been the one to chase away the unicorn. Butters ran over to me, silently berating me for acting on my own. I could tell he wasn't mad, though, just worried.

Cartman approached the Princess, who was still lying where he had fallen after being thrown from the unicorn's back. "It's all over now, Princess Kenny. Douchebag is too powerful for you." he said, surprisingly gentle, "Give us the Stick, and we will let you return to the lands of Zaron."

Kenny glared at him and swatted his outstretched hand away, getting up and retreating to a safer distance. He then took the Stick out of his bra, looking at it sadly, before returning it and taking out a vial of sickeningly familiar green goo.

"What's she doing?" Stan asked worriedly as the Princess popped off the top.

Kyle's eyes became saucers. "No, Kenny! Don't drink that!" he yelled desperately, reaching a hand out to the despairing Princess.

"KENNEH!" Cartman bellowed, using his rage to hide his fear and heartbreak.

Kenny ignored all of the distressed calls coming from his friends, bringing the vial to his mouth (which he temporarily revealed) and drinking the green goo, tossing the vial away as his body began to convulse. His skin turned that familiar pale green color and a swastika appeared on his left arm. With a familiar salute, Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny attacked.

"Oh sh-sh-shit!" Jimmy stuttered fearfully.

"Sage…" Butters whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear him. Even so, I could still make out the sorrow in his voice. I wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close to me and letting him bury his face in my neck. I could feel his tears wetting my skin, causing me to hold him more tightly, but I still kept an eye on our enemy, drawing my sword with my free hand and pointing it at the approaching zombie.

Stan growled, taking his place beside Kyle and reigniting the Elf King's courage. As the Elf King and his loyal Ranger shared a supportive glance, I looked at Butters and squeezed his waist, gaining his attention. I stared directly into his red, puffy eyes, gently pressing my lips to his. After we separated, I smiled confidently at him, earning me a tearful smile from my partner.

"Thanks, Sage." he whispered gratefully, finally turning to face our opponent. As we all stood before the zombie, it raised its hand, summoning an army of Nazi Zombie rats.

"Really?" I thought, looking at the mini-army in annoyance, "It's gonna take forever to kill all these rats." My eyes then widened as an imaginary light bulb appeared above my head. "Wait…rats!" I turned to Jimmy, pointing my sword at him in order to get his attention, which I did.

"W-Woah! Wh-Wh-What are you d-d-doing?!" Jimmy cried fearfully, backing away from me. I moved the tip of my sword in front of his face, maintaining his attention, and then pointed it at the mice, before moving it back so that the tip was pointing at a flute that I had gotten for him on my way to Canada (somewhat of an apology for the ass-kicking I had dealt him during the Battle of the Giggling Donkey).

"Oh! I g-get it!" the Bard cried, a look of realization on his face. Standing tall on his crutches, he approached the horde of zombie rats, holding his flute proudly. Then, somehow managing to stand on his crippled legs, he played a lively tune that caught the rats' attention, leading them away from the rest of us.

_Good work, Jimmy. Your role has been played. Leave the rest to us._

Kenny growled, irritated that his rat army was taken from him. I raised my sword and, slashing him straight across the chest, brought him down.

"Oh my god, you killed Kenny!" Stan cried, horrified.

"You bastard!" Kyle followed in a sequence that seemed to have been many times rehearsed.

"Not so." I thought, annoyed, as Kenny got back up, as good as new.

"Oh, nevermind." Stan said, still horrified, but for a different reason.

We all charged at the Nazi Zombie Princess, but he seemed to effortlessly block or evade all of our attacks. Stan was almost hit by zombie vomit (a disgusting mixture of blood, bone, and regurgitated flesh), but Kyle managed to swat it away with his staff. Cartman was keeping to the back (I know from experience that he sucks at close combat), sticking to the mind games he's dangerously good at. Soon, Kenny, getting tired of this battle, raised his hand and summoned a grayscale rainbow from his hand, the familiar call more terrifying than before.

"Impossible!" Cartman yelled fearfully as the thundering of hooves echoed through the darkened sky, "Douchebag already drove the unicorn away, didn't he?!"

"Not this one." I thought grimly as the unicorn came into view: the Nazi Zombie Unicorn. Dark green fur covered its body and its even darker green mane and tail blew wildly as it charged. A black swastika could be seen at the base of its dark green horn. Kenny jumped onto its back, pushing it into a head-long charge.

"Holy shit! It's coming right for us!" Kyle screamed.

"Douchebag! Do something!" Cartman commanded/begged.

"Like what?" I thought to myself, holding out my sword in an attempt to block the unicorn's attack, "This thing's undead. It doesn't follow the rules of the mythical hierarchy."

"Stay back, Dragonborn!" I heard someone cry. I turned to see Stan, who had moved to stand in front of the group, his sword in front of him. "I'll handle this thing."

I hesitated, not liking to let others fight my battles, before relenting, knowing that he was a better match for the creature than I was. Being the reincarnated prophet of Scientology, Stan is the embodiment of the spirit's immortal nature, as is the belief of the Scientologists, and immortality always overpowers the undead, which are the embodiment of death.

"Stan…!" Kyle yelled, reaching out for the warrior, but I held out my sword, blocking him.

"What's the big idea, Douchebag?!" he growled angrily, raising his staff in preparation to strike me. Before he could, however, Butters jumped between us, stopping the distressed King's attack while translating for _his_ King.

"He's telling you to trust Stan!" Butters cried, holding his arms out as he stood in front of me. Kyle looked at the Paladin, his expression conflicted. Butters, seeing the King's aggression fading, continued, "You trusted Stan when you appointed him as your second-in-command and bodyguard, right?"

"Of course!" Kyle cried indignantly, "I've never trusted anyone more!"

"And you trusted him when you gave him your heart, despite knowing his recent history with Wendy, right?"

Kyle turned bright red. "H-How'd you…!" he exclaimed, stuttering into speechlessness. Butters laughed.

"As if it wasn't obvious from the beginning." he chuckled, before adding with a blush of his own, "And now, I have something to compare it to." He looked at me, and we shared a loving gaze. Kyle watched us, his expression softening. He then looked back at Stan, who was using his sword to block the unicorn's horn, and worry once again dominated his features. Butters saw this.

"So, do you trust him now?" he asked. When Kyle looked at him, confused, he elaborated, "Do you trust Stan to know his limits? To make it out of a battle he chose, alive? Do you trust him to survive, so that he will stand beside you once more?"

Kyle looked at Butters, astonished at the feeling within that little speech. I smiled at my boyfriend, silently telling him how proud I was, and he nuzzled against my side, closing his eyes contentedly. I looked at Kyle, who still looked unsure (and a little jealous), and nodded my head confidently, reassuring him that Stan would make it out of this in one piece. He stared at us a second more, before finally smiling in consent to our argument. He then turned back to Stan's battle with the unicorn, a new look of pride and confidence on his face.

Meanwhile, during the heartfelt conversation between the Elf King and the Paladin, the Ranger was getting a read on his opponent's power and abilities. He knew that this undead beast was no match for him, especially with his true, immortal identity realized, but if there was one thing the Dragonborn had taught him about fighting, it was to always analyze an opponent's strengths and weaknesses, lest you be taken by surprise with a hidden strength disguised as a weakness. With this lesson in mind, the prophet repeatedly engaged the zombies, Princess and Steed, looking for weaknesses. He grinned when he found one, eyes glowing bright violet as his immortal spirit sent power into his sword. Then, with a well-timed leap toward the rearing beast, the Ranger swung his sword upward and lopped off the Nazi Zombie Unicorn's head.

"Way to go, Stan!" Kyle yelled, running over and glomping his boyfriend.

"I told you I'd be alright, Kyle." Stan replied, sounding a little tired. He then winced, looking at his right hand as his sword fell from his grasp. "I think I sprained my sword hand, though."

As Kyle took Stan to the sidelines, the rest of us charged at Kenny at once again. The fall from his now-headless steed had left him shaken, so it was easy for me and Butters to bring him down. However, as I expected, he just got back up again, preparing another attack.

"Oh no, you don't!" Kyle yelled, bringing his staff down on Kenny's head, which forced the Princess to stop the attack in order to block, "You'll pay for hurting Stan! You're going down, even if I have to kill you myself!"

Kenny jumped back, glaring. He then reached into his dress, pulling out another vial of green goo.

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters cried, "If he drinks more of the goo, he'll get even stronger!"

"Like hell he will!" Kyle roared challengingly, turning toward the stairs that led to the lower levels of the castle and calling, "Ike! Come here a second!"

Ike, who had apparently been waiting at the base of the stairs out of concern, came running up at his brother's call. "Kyle?" he asked adorably.

"We need your help!' Kyle replied, crouching behind the young Canadian in a pose resembling a football player. _Oh no._ "Kick the baby!"

"Don't kick the goddamn baby!" Ike yelled angrily as Kyle kicked him towards Kenny, although he also yelled "Yaaaaaaay!" as he flew through the air. He hit the zombie directly in the chest, knocking the vial from his hands. Kenny swore viciously as Ike landed next to him, crying.

The young Canadian screamed as the Nazi Zombie lunged at him, but before the attack could land, Kyle grabbed his brother and pulled him to safety.

"You did well, Ike. Thank you." Kyle said gently, holding his brother close to him. Ike looked up at his adoptive brother, light blue eyes shining with tears of happiness and fear.

"Kyle!" he cried happily, hugging his brother, who was now kneeling beside Stan. Kyle hugged him back, and Stan patted the Canadian's head in praise. Ike smiled up at Stan and then turned to where I was standing, as if seeking my approval as well. I nodded to him, making him squeal with joy and bounce around his brother and future brother-in-law excitedly. Kyle smiled at me gratefully, glad that I made his brother so happy. I simply nodded to him, too.

"Look out!" I heard Butters cry out. I turned back to the fight at hand in time to see Butters block a strike from Kenny. The zombie raised his other arm to attack the vulnerable Paladin, but I got there first, slicing the zombie's arm clean off.

Kenny growled, raising his remaining arm and yelling something in German. I can't speak much German (not in this form, anyway), but I know _that_ summoning no matter what language it's spoken in.

"No…" I thought, looking wide-eyed as a familiar cloaked figure appeared behind Kenny, skeletal hand gripping a scythe and right arm sporting a swastika, "Death…"

Death. The Gatherer of Souls. He who decides the fate of all in this realm. Even the most powerful angels can't touch him in this world of mortals. We don't stand a chance with HIM as our enemy!

I took my battle stance, ready to die if it meant protecting my boyfriend, but I looked back at him when I heard a familiar chaotic laugh escape his lips.

"Foolish Princess Kenny!" he laughed, the aura of chaos swirling around him as he once again transformed into the being called Professor Chaos, "Do you not know that Death is a servant of Chaos!"

Kenny and I were both taken aback as Death roared, almost sounding conflicted. The Zombie Princess jumped onto Death's shoulder, ordering him forward, which he reluctantly obeyed. Professor Chaos stood his ground, ready to take them both head on. But he didn't stand alone. I stood beside my mate, activating the final stage of Spirit Manifest, and roared, extending my massive black wings so that they darkened the battlefield. Professor Chaos grinned psychotically at me, his eyes glowing violently white as they met my confident crimson ones, before we both turned to face our opponents.

Such was the face-off of spirits: Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny and Death vs. Professor Chaos and the Dragonborn. Death lunged, ready to slice us to bits and send our souls to Hell, and Chaos and I unleashed simultaneous energy blasts. Our attacks collided, pushing for dominance, and it seemed neither would yield. However, my mate and I are an unstoppable force. Even Death can't stand up to us.

Stan, Kyle, Ike, and Cartman all took cover as the explosion shook the entire town (and probably Denver, too). As the smoke cleared, Kenny was lying dead (-er) and Death had disappeared. Butters and I were back in our human forms, with Butters leaning against my side, his head on my shoulder.

"All that chaos energy's making me a little woozy." he muttered weakly, closing his eyes as he tried to stabilize himself. I looked over to where Kenny was already starting to get up again and, picking my boyfriend up bridal-style, brought him over to Stan and Kyle, silently ordering them to take care of him. With Butters out of harm's way, I turned my attention back to our opponent, who was standing up once more.

_I knew it. This is one of the souls that serves Death. The highest level of the Sacrificial Angels. The Deathbringer. The Deathbringers are Sacrificial Angels that serve directly under Death. Because of this, they can intentionally kill off their mortal bodies and make it look like an accident, only to be reborn once their mission is complete with no one around remembering their death (unless someone is connected to the spirit realm, in which case the illusion of amnesia has no effect). Normally, the Deathbringer's soul would wait in the Between realm until his body is recreated, but now that he has a body that can be controlled after death, he just keeps coming back again and again. The only way to defeat a Deathbringer in a zombie's body is to force the soul out of its body and then completely DESTROY that body before the soul can return. But how?_

Stan and Kyle, apparently, were wondering the exact same thing, only they seemed more panicked.

"She won't stay dead! We can't beat her!" Stan yelled, freaking out.

"Dude, we're fucked! There's no way!" Kyle added, following his boyfriend in the art of freaking out.

"There is ONE way!" Cartman announced, gaining everyone's attention. He looked at all of us gravely, his grim gaze landing on me as he said, "We're gonna have to break the Gentlemen's Code."

All of our eyes widened in shock and horror.

"Cartman! You can't possibly mean…!" Kyle gasped, holding Ike close as he gripped Stan's arm.

"What choice do we have, KAHL?!" Cartman yelled, clearly not fond of the idea himself. He then turned back to me. "King Douchebag. You remember long ago, I made you swear an oath to never fart on anyone's balls." _Yep. Three days ago._ "I am now asking you…to break that oath."

I shuddered. The Gentlemen's Code hasn't been broken in many, many years. The very thought of doing so made me sick to my stomach. Stan, sensing my hesitation, spoke up.

"He's right. It's our only chance." he said sadly, grabbing Kyle's hand for comfort.

I'd never felt this conflicted in my life. I was charged with protecting this world, and these people are a part of this world. They are also my friends (except Cartman), and one of them is so, so much more than that. I'd do anything for them. But the Gentlemen's Code is a universal oath, and once you break it, you can never be respected again. If I do this, my mission as an Angel of Unity will fail, and my soul will be destroyed. I looked around at my friends. They were all looking at me pleadingly, with Stan's eyes containing a sorrow the others' did not, for he knew what would happen to me.

I bit my lip, turning to Butters, my main source of comfort. He looked at me and smiled, grabbing my hand and squeezing it gently. I smiled back, tears appearing in my eyes as I gazed upon my precious, beloved mate for the last time. He leaned forward, gently pressing his lips to mine, and I kissed him back, trying to send as much love into that last kiss as I could. Nobody said anything, closing their eyes and bowing their heads in respect, with a sob escaping Stan's lips. As Butters released me, we gazed into each other's eyes, and I took in the beauty of the being in front of me, making sure he knew how much I love him. Finally, I closed my eyes, turning away and facing Cartman, stepping forward to let him know I was ready.

"Good man, Douchebag!" he said proudly, directing me back to the battlefield, where Kenny was being held off by Jimmy and the rats he stole. "And gay." he whispered under his breath.

**You're one to talk.** I typed quickly on my phone and showed it to him. He blushed and told me to shut up, pushing me forward before running behind Kenny, grabbing the zombified princess and holding him up.

"Do it, Douchebag! Hurry!" he yelled, ignoring (or trying to) the slaps to the face from the struggling Princess.

I gulped, turning back to my friends one last time. Then, calmly approaching the Princess (and the Wizard restraining him), I turned my ass to them and unleashed a powerful Dragonshout.

A bright flash of light filled the air, the power unleashed by the breaking of a universal oath spreading over the small mountain town. The intentions accompanying the broken oath reversed the effects of the green goo, turning every Nazi Zombie back to normal.

"Daddy! We're back to normal!" I heard a little boy cry.

"Yes. A Dragonborn must have farted on a Princess' balls." his father replied casually, holding his son close.

I smiled, that exchange convincing me that I had done the right thing. As the light continued to spread, filling my senses, I barely noticed falling backward.

Barely noticed someone catch me, frantically screaming my name.

Barely noticed my soul being forcibly ripped out of my body as all of my senses failed.


	42. Judgement

When I came to my senses, I was in my spirit form, standing inside a dark chamber. Above me sat six silhouettes, their actual appearances deliberately hidden.

**Dragonborn. You stand before the High Council.**

The High Council is a group of immensely powerful spirits that guard the universe. The members represent the different sections of the universe. The six present are the ones that represent the sections I have influenced: the Physical/Mortal realm, the Mental/Emotional realm (the worlds within each living being's mind), the Higher realm ("Heaven"), the Middle realm (earthbound spirits and spirit beings in the mortal realm, "Limbo"), the Lower realm ("Hell"), and the Between realm I mentioned earlier, where L. Ron Hubbarb (or Stan Marsh, as he is now known) and I planned the battle at school.

**Dragonborn.**

The High Council said again, speaking in unison, power flowing from every word.

**You have been charged with the following offenses: Allowing your identity as an angel to be revealed to mortals, actively revealing one or more of your powers to mortals, becoming overly involved in the personal affairs of humans, giving an angel under your command permission to reveal his or her identity to one or more mortals, taking on and destroying a spirit without obtaining permission to do so, and the highest offense…**

Their glowing eyes brightened ferociously as they bellowed.

**BREAKING THE GENTLEMEN'S CODE!**

I bowed my head, closing my eyes as I listened to them list off my offenses. I never liked breaking the laws of the angels, but I didn't regret my decisions. I would take my punishment head-on, with my head held high until the very end.

**Dragonborn. How do you plead? **The High Council thundered.

_Guilty as charged._ I replied, my voice calm and sure, ignoring how small and insignificant it was compared to theirs.

**Do you have any regrets?** They asked me.

_I do not._ I replied.

**You do not regret violating our laws?** The High Council almost sounded angry, though they managed to retain emotionless professionalism.

_I do not regret the good that came of these offenses. _ I stated calmly.

**Explain.**

_Every charge is true. I did break all of these laws. But I did so in order to protect the people of the mortal realm. As the Angel of Unity, it is my duty to bring people together, and all of these crimes were based around that mindset._

**How is that?** The High Council asked me incredulously.

_By revealing my powers to a mortal, I bonded that human to me, allowing him to trust me and help me in my mission._ I explained. The High Council cut me off.

**Our report shows that you have a romantic bond with this mortal.** They said. If I were human, I would have blushed. As an angel, I simply answered truthfully.

_That is correct. I love this human dearly._

One of the spirits, the one in charge of the Emotional realm, nodded, pleased with my answer. The others ignored it.

**You also gave permission to the Sacrificial Angel of Fear, who serves directly under you, to reveal his identity, as well as yours, to another mortal. How do you explain that?**

_Just as I love the mortal I revealed myself to, the Lord of Paranoia loves the mortal he revealed himself to, so I allowed him to bond with this mortal, _unifying_ them, as I was sent to do._ I replied, emphasizing the word "unifying" as I did so.

**That is not within your authority!** They boomed, angered by my bold actions.

_It is. As the Angel of Unity, I am to bring people together, mortal or otherwise. If it is a crime to allow happiness to my subordinates, then consider me a criminal of the highest degree._ I defended, hiding my anger more effectively than the High Council did.

**Your boldness will be the end of you! **One of the spirits, from the Mortal realm, bellowed, his mortal pride taking over his senses.

**You are out of line!** The Emotion representative growled at the Mortal realm, defending my appeal to his charge.

**You be silent! It is HE who is out of line!** Mortal retorted, continuing to argue with the Emotion realm. I sighed. They really shouldn't be so heavily affected by their charges. The Lower realm, apparently, was thinking the exact same thing.

**You both shut your goddamn traps! I'll send both of you fucking assholes to my domain for a few thousand years!** It swore violently. That's Hell for you.

**THAT'S out of line!** Between growled. When high-ranking spirits need to settle something, they go to the Between realm, not the Lower realm.

**Oh dear… What to do…** The ever-indecisive Limbo muttered.

I smirked as the High Council began arguing amongst themselves. I rolled my eyes over to the representative of the Higher realm, who was the only one who hadn't joined the argument. I knew it never would; the Heavenly beings are too good for that. However, it still got my message loud and clear.

**Silence!** Heaven roared. All other spirits looked at it, heavenly respect having a universal influence.

**Have none of you fools realized what the Dragonborn just showed us?! We have gone against him with the intent to destroy him. Just as the threat appeared, the Angel of Unity removed all of his influence from existence. Check your domains, and find that they have fallen into disarray, just as we have.**

The Spirits, mentally checking the state of their domains, looked at me in absolute horror. They had clearly underestimated just how powerful the Angel of Unity really is. Not only did my presence (or lack thereof) send lesser beings into chaos, but the higher beings as well.

**B-But the Gentlemen's Code!** Mortal stuttered (Stuttered! What a laugh!) indignantly.

**It is true that the Dragonborn broke the sacred code of fart magic, but tell us, Dragonborn…** Heaven replied, bringing focus back to me. **Why did you break the Gentlemen's Code, which you held as sacredly as anyone?**

_There was no other way to save the mortal sector of Earth._ I replied, looking to the Mortal representative in this appeal. _I knew that I would be destroyed for it, but if it meant preventing a Nazi Zombie outbreak, I was willing to make that sacrifice._

The Spirits all looked at each other, clearly touched by my selflessness. They nodded in agreement, speaking in unison once more.

**Dragonborn. You have committed severe offenses against our laws. However, the damage that would have been done if you hadn't disobeyed these laws far exceeds the actual damage suffered. Therefore, we have come to this conclusion: You will be sent back to the mortal realm, where you will continue to serve as the Angel of Unity. However, to make sure you have a witness to your actions, you are forced to choose someone to serve alongside you, as a partner. You are free to choose who this being will be.**

My eyes widened, as did my grin. I stood tall before the higher spirits, speaking out once more.

_My Lords, I cannot thank you enough. _I said, bowing my head to them before raising it high. _I also know who my partner shall be, but it will require some assistance from the Mortal, Emotional, Between, and Higher realms._

**Oh? And who might this mortal be?**

I smirked. _A new angel. One who can balance my power. The mortal has already be chosen._

The birth of a new angel. An angel that creates anarchy. An angel that can disrupt my power, creating the balance the mortal realm requires.

His current human name is Leopold Stotch, although he is more widely known as Butters. And he is…

The Master of Chaos


	43. Another Day

"Sage…Sage, can you hear me?...Say something, please!"

I sat at his bedside, where I haven't moved from in three days. After Sage farted on Kenny's balls and defeated him, an enormous burst of light had spread across South Park. Everyone who had been turned into a Nazi Zombie returned to normal and everything was as it should be. Except for one thing: Sage wouldn't wake up.

After using his angel form to defeat the government demon, and then to help me defeat Death, I can imagine that he must be exhausted, but he's been asleep for three days, and I'm getting worried. Stan, Kyle, and Eric said they'd wait until Sage woke up to get rid of the Stick of Truth.

I sniffled quietly, a tear threatening to escape my eye. Sage is my life. He is the first person to ever accept me for who I am, and I love him with all my heart. If I lose him, I'll have nothing. Of course, I've always had nothing, but now I have the memory of having something, which will make it hurt even more. Because of this, I haven't left his side, even when my parents threatened to ground me (luckily, Sage's mom came to my rescue). During the day, I sat at his bedside constantly, getting up only to use the bathroom or change my clothes. I ate in his room, and slept next to him at night (granted, I didn't sleep much, too worried to get more than a few hours). I didn't care what anyone said or thought, I wanted to be near my boyfriend so that, when he finally woke up, I would be there to greet him.

I looked outside. It was only noon (school hadn't resumed yet; they were still cleaning the green goo out of the basement), but I was feeling tired (due to the aforementioned lack of sleep), so I crawled into bed next to my unconscious boyfriend and snuggled up to him, determined to keep him warm. I draped my arm over his stomach and leaned over him, placing a gentle, loving kiss on his forehead. As I lay my hand over Sage's, I settled my head in the crook of his neck, drifting into an uneasy half-sleep as I listened to the sound of my beloved's steady breathing.

A few hours later (I'm really not sure), I woke up to movement on my hand. I looked down at it as I felt Sage's fingers intertwine with mine and his head turn slightly towards me. I lifted my head and my sky blue eyes met the pools of obsidian I'd been longing to see for three days.

"Butters…" Sage muttered, his voice rough from disuse, "…Good morning."

"Sage…" I replied, smiling tearfully as relief flooded my being, "It's afternoon."

"Hm." Sage hummed thoughtfully, turning his head to look outside, "So it is."

I lay my head back in the crook of my boyfriend's neck, tightening my hold on him as tears of joy ran down my face.

"How are you feeling?" I asked my companion, humming faintly when he turned to face me, embracing me in return, holding me as close as I was holding him.

"Tired." he muttered into my ear, gently running his fingers through my hair, "Dealing with the higher-ups can do a number on your soul."

"The higher-ups?" I asked, turning more towards him but not lifting my head.

Sage hummed, as if in confirmation, then was silent for a minute before speaking again.

"Yes. The High Council. A group of high-ranking spirits that represent different parts of the universe. I broke several rules from several different realms, so I had to testify before them in my defense."

I looked up at him in shock, imagining what kind of trouble must have befallen my beloved angel.

"They were not pleased with me, especially the representative of this realm, since I had broken one of its most sacred rules."

"The Gentlemen's Code?" I asked, to which Sage nodded. I looked down, biting my lip before asking the dreaded question that had been plaguing my mind, "What's your punishment?"

Sage pulled away just enough to look me in the eye, his look and tone grave. "Originally, the highest level of punishment: a complete destruction of my soul."

I looked at my beloved with terrified eyes, my heart stopping and my breath catching in my throat. _I-Impossible! I can't lose Sage! Please don't take Sage away from me!_ My eyes filled with tears as I latched onto him, burying my face in his chest as I held onto him for dear life.

"They can't do that!" I cried, not letting go of my boyfriend, my precious angel, the one I truly love with every fiber of my being, "They can't take you away! I love you!"

Sage tightened his arms around me, gently nuzzling my neck as he whispered next to my ear, "I love you too, Butters. Don't worry; they aren't going to destroy me."

I looked up at my boyfriend, tears still flowing freely from my eyes, still holding him as close as I could. "B-But you s-said…"

"_Originally_, my punishment would be the complete destruction of my soul. However, since the damage this world suffered would have been far worse had I not broken those rules, my sentence was reduced. And honestly…" he said, holding me close and pressing his lips softly to mine before letting me hide my relieved tears in his neck again, "I may not mind the new sentence that much, if everything goes according to plan."

"According to plan?" I asked, raising my head to look him in the eye, "What do you mean, Sage?"

He returned my gaze, his looks serious. "My sentence is for me to remain here, as I have been, with one major difference."

I felt a fresh flood of relief when Sage said he would be staying here, but that was overwhelmed by concern at what the "major difference" might be.

"I am to have a partner. Someone to watch me, and to balance my power of unity." My breath caught in my throat as my boyfriend smiled at me. "And the decision of who is to be my partner…is mine."

I stared at the Dragonborn, unable to believe what I was hearing. "Wait, are you saying I think you're saying?" I muttered breathlessly.

Sage rested his forehead against mine, looking directly into my eyes as he asked, "Butters, I would like you to be my partner. Do you accept?"

I stared at him again, this time in speechless awe. He kept staring at me as well, a hint of nervousness appearing in his eyes. Before that doubt could spread any further, I latched my arms around his neck and pulled him to me, capturing his lips with mine.

"I'll take that as a yes?" he said when we parted, the biggest smile I'd ever seen on his face.

"I'll always be by your side, Dragonborn." I replied sincerely, matching his grin with one of my own.

"I would love nothing more, Master of Chaos." Sage answered, smirking at my shocked expression when I registered the title he'd given me, "I'll explain later. Right now, we have company."

Sure enough, right after he said that, the door opened, revealing the Style duo. I tried to get up to avoid further teasing (Eric and some other guys have been giving me hell for my devotion to Sage), but my boyfriend, not seeming to care who knew, threw his arm over my side and rested his head on my shoulder, providing him an easier view of his guests. I turned bright red.

"Hey, Douchebag. Glad to see you're finally awake." Kyle greeted, smiling pleasantly. I had expected him to make a sly comment at our current position, but he remained silent on the matter. I turned to Stan, definitely expecting something rude from him (damn narcissist). However, he shocked me, too.

"See, Butters. We told you he'd be fine." the Ranger said to me, sounding more reassuring than arrogant. He then said to Sage, "You look comfy."

My face became even hotter, but my boyfriend, ever the calmer of the two of us, nodded, nuzzling my neck and turning me still-redder. I then froze as I heard a powerful voice echo in my head, a voice that sounded eerily similar to the booming voice we'd heard during Sage's fight with the government demon.

**Tell him, "So do you."**

My eyes widened as I realized the voice was Sage's, but I followed his orders.

"He says 'So do you.'" I replied to Stan, only just now noticing what Sage meant: Stan and Kyle were holding hands. Sure enough, the pair looked at each other, then at their hands, and blushed, shifting uncomfortably. Kyle let go of Stan's hand in embarrassment, making Stan give him a hurt look. The taller boy then smirked and, reaching an arm around Kyle's shoulders, pulled the ginger elf close, pressing the protesting boy to his side. The Elf King tried to struggle, his face as red as his hair, but he quickly gave up, leaning against his boyfriend. Stan looked up at us, grinning triumphantly.

"_Now_ I'm comfy." he corrected, laughing as Kyle shot emerald daggers at him. I could tell, however, that the blades were dull, and relented when faced with the wall of sapphire that met them. I chuckled softly, feeling, for the first time in a while, at ease.

"By the way," Kyle said, finally calming down, "Are you strong enough to walk, Douchebag?"

I felt Sage nod against my neck, and then I heard him give me another message telepathically. I laughed to myself. I never thought I'd hear someone be called "Douchebag" in such an affectionate way.

"He said he should be, but he isn't sure."

"Well, you might want to try. Wizard Fatass is anxious to get rid of the Stick, but we refuse to do it without you." Kyle told us (or, rather, told Sage; he still wasn't too fond of me, for some reason. Maybe because I used to work for Eric a lot.).

Sage nodded, mentally asking me to come with them in case he needed help. He had a bit of trouble standing up, but with my help and the Style duo's encouragement, we managed to get him out the door. We were met with insults like "slowpokes" and "fags" from the fat little bastard who was waiting for us.

"It's about fucking time you woke up!" Eric whined at Sage, who continued to stare at him with a blank poker face, "Seeing your faggy little boyfriend dote on you day and night was making me sick to my stomach." He then made a gagging noise while Kyle had to be restrained by Stan. I was about to protest when I heard Sage's voice in my mind.

**Jelly, much?** He thought to me, making me laugh.

"Just what the fuck are you laughing at, fag?" Eric growled at me. He was definitely more short-tempered than usual.

"Sage says you need to stop being so jelly." I smirked at him, causing Stan and Kyle to burst out laughing as well. Eric turned red, glaring daggers at the four of us, before turning around and heading toward Stark's Pond.

"Just come on, fags. Are we gonna get rid of the Stick or not?' he snarled, agitated.

**I don't ride a Harley.** Sage thought to me, making me laugh again, followed by Stan and Kyle when I told them what Sage had said to me.

"Is it just me…" Stan muttered after a minute, "…or is Cartman being more of an asshole than usual?"

"To be honest, I never thought that was possible, but you're right." Kyle replied, a thoughtful look on his face.

**It's because Kenny hasn't returned yet.** I heard Sage think, his tone oddly knowing.

"Kenny?" I asked him, making Stan and Kyle look at me curiously while Eric tensed (though he tried to hide it), "Kenny died when you farted on his balls."

**Does Kenny ever STAY dead?** Sage asked me, and I relayed the question to our companions (except Eric, who started ignoring us the moment Kenny was mentioned), along with the last part of his previous statement.

"Hm…" All three of us thought about this, and my eyes widened as the realization hit me. Stan and Kyle followed suit.

"Come to think of it, he doesn't!" Kyle exclaimed, looking between us in shock, "I remember Kenny dying many times, but he always comes back within a few days, so I never worried about it."

"Except that one time he had that muscle disease and stayed dead for, like, a month." Stan muttered, hints of guilt in his voice. Kyle grabbed his hand, gently kissing his cheek and whispering something in his ear.

**It's not your fault.** Sage thought to me. I gave him a curious look. **Kyle told Stan that it wasn't his fault he was too upset to be there for Kenny when he was dying. Stan is more sensitive than he likes to let on.** I "oh"ed silently and continued walking, slipping my fingers in between Sage's.

"We're here, fags." Eric said, sounding defeated.

"You guys sure about this?" Kyle asked as he, Stan, and Sage walked up to stand beside Eric. I stayed back. I wasn't a part of this.

"There's no other way." Eric replied, looking at the Stick with sadness and longing.

"It drove our friend to madness and nearly killed us all." Stan said solemnly, patting Kyle's shoulder.

The guys took one last look at the Stick before Eric handed it to Sage, who then threw it into the pond. The other three sighed, and even I felt a little sad at seeing the item we all worked so hard to attain sink into the pond.

They all stood in respectful silence. Then Eric, an impatient as ever, looked around at the group and asked, "So what do you guys wanna play now?"

"How about Dinosaur Hunters?" Stan suggested excitedly.

"Or Pharaohs and Mummies!" Kyle added happily.

"Let's ask Douchebag!" Eric said, and everyone turned to Sage, "What do you wanna play now, dude?"

"That's the first time they've ever called him dude." I thought to myself, also wondering what he would say next, or if he'd say anything at all. Sage looked around the group and pointed back in the direction we came from."

"Screw you guys. I'm going home." he said, walking away. I laughed and followed him.

"Wow, what a dick." Eric said indignantly. Stan and Kyle just shook their heads, walking back toward Stan's house, hand-in-hand.

"Well fine! Screw you guys, too!" Eric yelled after us, "I'll just play with myself, then! I like playing with myself!"

I intertwined my fingers with Sage's once again as we walked back to his house. "I wonder what happened to Kenny." I thought out loud.

"He'll be back." Sage replied, "His body is taking a while to reform. He's also being reprimanded by the High Council, just like I was."

"Will he be okay?" I asked, suddenly concerned.

"He'll be fine. He's good at getting out of trouble." Sage reassured me, squeezing my hand for good measure. I smiled and leaned against my boyfriend, sighing contentedly. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, I spoke again.

"Whatever game they decide to play next, they will drag you into it, whether you like it or not." I warned him. He just shrugged.

"Let 'em. As long as I have you beside me, I don't care."

I smiled, pecking his cheek lightly, which got me a small smile. I then remembered something.

"Oh, yeah, guess what!" I said excitedly.

"We're getting married and eloping to Paris?" Sage asked, his voice a monotone. I blushed.

"Oh, hamburgers! I can't get married yet! My parents would ground me for sure!"

"It was a joke. What is it?" Sage said, looking at me out of the corner of his eye.

"Craig and Tweek are officially a couple!" I yelled, unable to contain my excitement. Luckily, we weren't in a crowded area, so no one heard.

"Hooray. Triple dates." Sage replied apathetically, but I could hear the joy hidden in his voice.

"Hey, that's a great idea!" I latched onto Sage's words about "triple dates", "We can all go to Bennigans!"

Sage rolled his eyes at my enthusiasm, pulling me to his side as Stan had done with Kyle earlier. I giggled happily, wrapping an arm around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder. We stopped walking and looked up at the sky. I'd had no idea it had gotten so late; stars were already starting to appear. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply of the crisp mountain air, just glad to be alive.

Thank God we live in this quiet, little, pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mud-hole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-drivin', old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, out-of-touch, white-trash, kick-ass mountain town.


End file.
